Amanda and Emily

Today was an odd day. It was one of those where I just didn't much care for anyone or want to see anyone all that much or talk or be a friend. Isolation was what I felt I needed. My room's a mess, my car's a mess, and I just felt discombobulated. Not a good feeling :) But I was looking forward to the gym, a nice hour swim, maybe more. But then my mom asked me to keep an eye on Connor while they went to his parent night for the new incoming 6th graders from 5:30-6:40 or something like that. I was planning on leaving for the gym at 6:00 to do some lap swimming and was bummed I couldn't leave till 6:30. Turns out it was perfect timing though. While at the gym I ran into some 7th grade girls who recognized me as "Darbie's cousin's best friend" (a.k.a Jessica's besft friend). They were in the lane next to me and we chatted about the PE department (since I may be interning there soon) and they said I should definitely come spend some time on the field. I kept swimming, as did they, and then got out and went to change. While in the locker room, the girls meandered in to change themselves and stopped by to chat again. They asked where I went to school, if I'd graduated. I explained the Middle College experience and my current desire to be a PE teacher. They thought that was awesome. The most talkative, Emily, told me she swam for Heartland, as did I, so we talked about that some, and I told them both to never stop swimming because it's great for you and helps keep you healthy. It was just fun to talk to these girls and listen to what they had to say as well and if I could do that for a living, encourage kids to stay healthy, active, and in school, how satisfying would that be?
My mom thinks I'll get bored being a PE teacher, and who knows, I might. My dad, on the other hand, actually thinks it'd be an awesome job. Eh, I have years to decide still.
But tomorrow, our Jr. High girls small group is going to play WallyBall! How excitiiiing :)

Wedding

I have never been the kind of gal who's dreampt of her wedding day. I know I'd rather it be small and outside...but I haven't pictured it, seen myself in white...blah blah blah. But I come home today and my mom has a bridal magazine out on the kitchen table. So I sit down and skim it through while eating a bowl of cereal and find THE dress. I mean, it's me. I've never liked the idea of a wedding dress or spending tons of money on a dress that isn't even "me". But this dress is me! And I slightly wish I were ready to get married...yeah right!
So, I decided to post a picture of it. I also think it will be interesting to look back, when I do get married, and see if I even like this dress anymore, when the time comes.

p.s. click on the picture to make it bigger... :)

Mistakes

I don't want to be a woman who knows a lot about what's right and better in life as a result of experiences doing wrong and bad things that have taught me a lesson. I want to look back on my life and give encouraging and positive advice on the basis of knowing what is right because it has worked for me...not knowing something is wrong because it has worked against me. Does that make any sense?
In short, I don't want to learn the hard way, perhaps.
Today I went to Starbucks with an old friend, Tommy. Man, we have a ton of memories, hardships, and humorous and complex circumstances that we've been through together in the 13(!) years we've known eachother. Wow...that's quite a while, hadn't realized that. At any rate, it was great to sit around and laugh our heads off and say some things without even having to say anything at all because we just knew what we'd been through and how hilarious it was. I love that. And it encourages me. That there are people out there and future people who I will be able to sit around and just be myself with and talk about life with...being sarcastic, funny, deep, spiritual, and serious all at the same time. I was beginning to think that that kind of relationship/friendship didn't exist for me anymore and wouldn't ever again. But it does and will and it's great.

On another note, summer is four days officially over. College classes start on Monday, so it's just half days this week, but still--summer is kaput. Well, this is the last year before life happens...hah!

Attack

I've had numerous people prophesy over me that I have a heart of God...a heart intertwined with the Father's. And also that I have to believe this, because sometimes I don't. Often times I don't, actually. I think that my heart is so far from God's and it's just my feelings doing the talking or writing. So I don't talk much and I'm embarrassed and scared to sing my songs, write my books, and share my thoughts with people. But if I have the heart of God beating in my chest and producing truths...the enemy is not going to dig that! In fact, he'll try to do anything to not let God's heart be released in this world.
I'm, we're, under attack everyday. And sometimes I get weak and fall, stumble, can't seem to muster strength enough to flee. But we're under attack because we're a part of something so powerful and amazing. And that ought to be worth fighting for.

I took a walk this morning, a prayerwalk. It was so excited. I feel good and energized, but refreshed in spirit as well. I was sitting in my room this morning wondering if I should go on a prayerwalk or not, my parents were still asleep and I couldn't do much till then but I was being lazy...then it hit me. If I don't do anything, make time for God, how am I expected to receive him and what he has to reveal to me and do in my life? So I went and it was good.

EDIT
I took my car into the shop yesterday because it was making funny sounds, like an airplane going over head, when I braked. Well, they just called and said it's going to be $800. Now I know my parents don't just have $800 lying around so I really need some prayers here. Atleast that I can find a job soon and repay my parents in time. Plus making my car payment as it is. I probably wouldn't have taken this so well had I not gone on my prayerwalk this morning. Hah, funny :) Anyway, prayers much needed and appreciated.
Have a great Saturday

Flashback

"The picture on the veil I see is flat
It hides my eyes behind it's lies
That this all I'm supposed to be
Uncover me--
Give me eyes to see Your reality
All I'm really missing out on
Sweet beauty--
Truth unfold Yourself
As You unravel this blinding veil
Give me clarity
Restore my sight
And breathe Your breath of life
In me
Sweet release
Bring Your freedom"
8.2.07

Have you ever had flashbacks of your life. You're just standing somewhere and a vision of the past pops up in your head? It's happened a lot this past week or two. Not good flashbacks though. Feelings of being alone and tired and on the edge of two worlds. But mainly I find that all these flashbacks are silent. Other people talk, but I'm always silent. Maybe it means something. Maybe not.
Today was a good day :) Jr. High group went well...except I felt awful all day and was seriously wondering if I was going to make it at all. Seeing the girls was an encouragement though. It hit me today, as it does at so many random points in my life, that God is so much bigger than me. That he cares is amazing. But I also realized that I am a part of something, something extraordinary. Something that, in and of itself, sets me apart, causes people to do a double-take. I can't steal the glory from my God. He deserves it, when I am so small.
I was in Michael's today, buying a drawing pad and pencils (I've started sketching again and rekindled a lost love!), but I was at the check out line and couldn't help staring at this woman with three young children. She was average height and so thin. Too thin. I didn't take note of her because she was glowing, because she was a good mom, because she had a good character and had the heart of God on her sleeve. No. I noticed her for worldly reasons. I don't want to be that person. I want to exude God's grace, goodness, beauty...the list goes on! God sent his Son...a perfect imitation of himself and he sent him having, "...no beauty or majesty to attract us to him, nothing in his appearance that we should desire him," (Isaiah 53). And people, yes, rejected Him, but also flocked to Him and follow Him still today. Not for how He looked, but how He simply was all that is good. And yeah, I was created in God's image, thus the image of Jesus, if he is the exact representation of God...so yes, I'm not perfect on the outside, I'm not supposed to be. The inside is what counts. And my oh my have I gone off on all the trains of thought racing through my head wildly...all trying to reach the single station that answers the question Who am I and what am I supposed to do with my past and future? Interesting. I just want to be seen by the world as this woman describes her friend: "At the time I first saw Jennifer, I simply would have told you something was wonderfully different about her...she had a knowing in her eyes that seemed unusual for one her age...I know now that I was seeing Jennifer not so differently from how Jennifer sees most all of the time--with eyes of the Spirit. I saw the invisible hand of God on her. And I have never failed to see it since." (Beth Moore from her Foreword in Jennifer Rothschild's book Lessons I Learned in the Dark) I want God to be written so deeply on the tablet of my heart that it can't help but rub off on the outside and spill out. I don't want pain, sorrow, sickness, and frailty to be written on my face. I want the supernatural light, strength, and beauty of the Lord.

Casting Crowns new music:

This is exactly how I feel this week, month, year, two years...but especially early this morning as I layed awake at 3:30am and never went back to sleep. And later this morning when I went for a walk and felt like I was floating...caffeine, lack of sleep, low iron (?). Then I get in my car at 6:30am and hear this song for the first time and almost cry.

"East to West"
Here I am Lord and I’m drowning
In Your sea of forgetfulness
The chains of yesterday surround me
I yearn for peace and rest
I don’t want to end up where You found me
And it echoes in my mind
Keeps me awake tonight

I know You’ve cast my sin as far
As the East is from the West
And I stand before You now
As though I’ve never sinned
But today I feel like I’m just one mistake away
From You leaving me this way

Jesus, can You show me just how far the East is from the West?
Cause I can’t bear to see the man I’ve been
Rising up in me again
In the arms of Your mercy I find rest
You know just how far the East is from the West
From one scarred hand to the other

I start the day, the war begins
Endless reminding of my sin
And time and time again
Your truth is drowned out by the storm I’m in
Today I feel like I’m just one mistake away
From You leaving me this way

Jesus, can You show me just how far the East is from the West?
Cause I can’t bear to see the man I’ve been
Come rising up in me again
In the arms of Your mercy I find rest
Cause You know just how far the East is from the West
From one scarred hand to the other

I know You’ve washed me white
Turned my darkness into light
I need Your peace to get me through
To get me through this night
I can’t live by what I feel
About the truth Your word reveals
And I’m not holding onto You
But You’re holding onto me
You’re holding onto me

Jesus, You know just how far the East is from the West
I don't have to see the man I’ve been
Come rising up in me again
In the arms of Your mercy I find rest (mercy I find rest)
You know just how far the East is from the West
From one scarred hand to the other

(Just how far, the East is from the West, Just how far)
From one scarred hand to the other
(You know just how far, the East is from the West, Just how far)
From one scarred hand to the other


God is bigger than my issues.