Dream Person

Random thought:
Do you ever have dreams with random people in them and you've never met them or came across them before, to your knowledge? Do you ever wonder if those people really exist out there somewhere in the world? Perhaps not their character or personality or mannerisms, but their bodies? That somewhere in this vast world they are walking about...not only in your dreamland, but in reality as well?

I suppose I will likely never know.

On another note, I just spent the last two days with amazing people. Tommy, Jesse, Allie, and James came over last night and we sat by a fire pit in my front yard, guitar-ed, guitar hero-ed, played cards, and ate food. Then today I went to church with Tommy and then met up with James and Allie at James' house...then we went shopping for about 4 hours...probably more. We're hardcore. No, James is hardcore. Finally we went back to James', put in Phantom of the Opera...then James and I got bored, so we put it Friends and played cards. Theeen Sharon made dinner and man she packed my plate full and I could not even begin to finish it. That was funny. She yelled at me to sit back and finish my plate and flustered, I started to sit back down and she just started cracccking up and saying just kiddding. Yeah, good stuff. I don't care much for dinner at other people's houses for that reason :) haha. But it was a fun night....fun couple of days. And tomorrow I'm hanging with Allie and James again since it's New Year's Eve and then camp!! Rad...it's going to be so cold in Big Bear :)

Not Good Enough

Here are my feelings, without the blatant whining.

Sometimes I just don’t feel
Good enough
There are so many other better
Writers and singers out there
And I just don’t feel like people really care
What I have in my heart

But I know
You put Your words inside of me
To sing and present to the world
Even when I can’t see
That people really are receiving
Pieces of You, through me

I will go on
With your plan for now
Though I don’t know
What the future holds
And I can’t see
Beyond these four constraining walls

And, I’ll find my confidence
In the faith I place
In Your words when you say
Your plans for me are good

So I’ll wait
For your blessing to fall
So I’ll wait
To see what your promises will bring
When I sing
Despite it all.

Stand up Straight

My family and I were at the neighbor's house all day learning how to make tamales. It was a lot of fun. But their family is completely different than ours. They kept downing the beers and pouring glasses of wine and cussing like sailors. It was all great fun though....and hilarious. Maybe that's bad to say. But whatever :)
Marion's sister, "Tia" I don't know her real name, actually...was a bit...well, drunk all night and kept talking and talking about random things and some relevant things. But she kept talking about posture, and standing up straight, and putting your shoulders back, and sucking in your stomach (That's why we have stomach muscles after all...) and yada yada. She came up to me once while I had my head on my mom's shoulder, just relaxing, and hit me on the back and said...."Are you slouching?" And stood me upright and said, "Raise your chin, your chin, suck it in, that's why we have stomach muscle, up straight up straight," and I just looked at her like she was crazy. Then I slouched on purpose. Yes, to tick her off. haha. Anyway, the point was...we weren't out. We were in. We were hanging out at Marion's house like we do all the time...chilling out, watching TV, relaxing and enjoying eachother. We were dressed to impress...infact I don't think anyone was there to impress anyone else. Except perhaps Tia. It aggrivated me that when we were supposed to be relaxing, we couldn't even do that...according to Tia. We had to continually stand up straight, continually suck it in, hold our heads high. Why?
So I came home a few minutes later to make cookies for Sean (Marion's husband)...because he wanted some and I was thinking over this whole situation and a song came out instead of real solid thoughts.

Mess

Stand up straight
Suck it in real tight
Watch your life being taken right before your eyes
Because this person isn't really you anymore

With your forced body frame
And your plastered on smile
You can't ever relax
Not even for just a little while

But is it worth it?
Sucking in the real you
Because

Who do you have to prove it to
Who do you have to impress
Who do you have to convince
That you're not a complete mess?

And I'm sorry to digress
But I have news for you my friend
Something you may not like to accept
But Jesus loves your mess

So who do you have to prove it to
Who do you have to impress
If Jesus loves your mess?

You don't have to be glamorous
Don't have to have sparkles and glitter
And flashes of silver and gold
For him to want to hold you
A precious mess in his big strong hands

You know how they sometimes say
One man's trash is another man's treasure
Well, Jesus he sees you as treasure everyday
So don't throw it all away
For weak thin plastic things
That will fade away and break

'Cos you can't keep this up forever
Peel the plastic off your life
And move in freedom
Dancing in broad daylight

Because
Who do you have to prove it to
Who do you have to impress
Who do you have to convince that you're not a complete mess

Who do you have to prove it to
Who do you have to impress
If Jesus really loves your mess?



I guess it's probably not original...but it does seem I always get words about just being yourself, myself, because that's who God created us all to be...and he loves us that way. Not the world's way with rigid restrictions on how things ought to be. Malarky.

My Music

Is posted on Myspace...at www.myspace.com/cdayband
if anyone is interested...
I'll warn you, the sound is really really low, so you'll have to turn up the volume quite a bit, most likely.
And probably be in a really quiet place.
And I can't edit the songs at all...so there are definite mess ups :)

The Ballad of a Blessed Old Man

This was nearly a year ago...and completely random.



The Ballad of a Blessed Old Man

Well I used to know an old man
Named Moe
And he sailed down the river
In an old row boat

And I know I know I know
He’s just so Old
But he ain’t grown cold.

He used to talk to Jesus
In his head or out loud
But he’s the happiest fellow I ever did know
And sometimes I just wish I could be

And I know I know I know

He’s just so Old

But he ain’t grown cold.

Oh Moe,
He’s got his river and his Jesus
And he seems so free
But Oh No,
Moe, What does this mean

If I don’t have a river of life
Running through me…?

Will you let me take a ride
For a while
in your Life boat?


3/24/07

The Beginning of Music

I didn't do anything today besides find old poems or songs I'd written and record them with my guitar and this old microphone I found and plugged into my laptop. I didn't do any studying (though my college finals are all through and high school finals don't start till Monday). I went to church, too...and I can't help but wonder.
I've always loved to write lyrics and poems. I've been in love with music for a few solid years now. I never thought I would switch schools and go to college a year and a half early with people I didn't know at all. I never thought I would lead a high school small group and give lessons just fine. I never thought I'd be able to speak, to meet new people. Now, I never think I'll be able to sing or share my thoughts with the world via songs...but who says it's impossible? If I would have stuck to my belief that it was impossible for me to leave high school early, I wouldn't be where I am today. If I would have stuck to my belief that it was impossible for me to articulate biblical principles to folks my own age, I wouldn't be leading a small group. If I would have stuck to my belief that I would never be able to meet new people and introduce myself to strangers, I never would have met the best friends I have today. So why ought I stick to this belief that it's impossible for me to sing and play my guitar and share my messages through songs? It's not impossible. Well, it is. It has been because for years I have been so reserved and won't sing or play infront of anyone. Perhaps it's time to just let the Lord use me, even here. I suppose he can use me in any way...if I just let myself be open to it...and so very vulnerable. Which scares the living daylights out of me. My songs and poems are my heart laid bare. This is terrifying!
There is alsoalways that little looming possibility that I could just entirely suck at singing and no one would tell me....blast. :P
~cday

Black Cat

I found this poem that doesn't have a title or a date...but I know what it's about and I know when I wrote it. And I like it. I don't know why. I just put the first part, because it's my favorite...from here on you could tell I was losing what, if your opinion merits any, passion I had to begin with. Hah...here you are :) Remember this?

You're talking about the weather
And I'm closing the windows up
Sipping green tea
From a round gold cup
Warm going down,
Unlike the frigid wind's sound
And
There's a black cat on the cold dark cement
Illuminated by the street lights
And the fireflies,
That should be in hiding
For winter's come and's now residing--
But they're in my stomach now
and coming out my mouth
The words fall out the window
And the black cat just meows.

Lyrical Legos

I played with Legos yesterday.
It felt good…
Reminiscent of childhood…
Doing things, physically, not just abstractly.
But really getting in there, touching pieces,
And making things.
So much of what I do is not solid.
So much of what I make cannot be touched.
Thoughts remain unreachable.
Words are but an essence…not physical.
Lyrics float on invisible lines in the air…
I wish I could touch them.
I wish I could form my hands around them and hold them and caress them and put them in their rightful place…
That thought means this word there, not here. And this melody here, not there.
But it’s all in the air…
A breeze, a spirit, a vapor, a wind.
Intangible.

Book

One day, I will write a book, and blow everyone's socks off...and it will be the most scary thing I will have ever done, and yet I will feel so free.
Everything will be an open book; my life.

Out of the Mainstream Beauty

I want to take
Photographs
Of life’s great schemes
Toss them around in a big wooden bowl
With salad dressing the taste of beauty

Would you come with me
On this out of the mainstream
Journey
To forever

We can write everything down
The odd little sounds
The door makes on our way out
The sound of the morning dew on the grass
And the last sip of coffee that will just have to last

Along our journey
To forever

Would you come with me
On this out of the mainstream
Journey
To far beyond
What the eye can perceive
in a glimpse of grotesque reality

We can take notes
On the palates of our hearts
To keep for eternity
And share with the souls
Intertwined with freedom
As we are

Along our journey
To forever
And so much more.

-----------

All I've wanted to do lately is sit and write. Or draw. But mostly write. And sing and play guitar.

This poem came from the thinking that people don't see beauty. It's everywhere...life is a never ending process of beauty. You don't have to travel over seas to see something exquisite. Use your imagination--don't just walk by life not realizing that you are held captive, in this vast universe, by beautiful things all day--you are intertwined with it, whether you like it or not, and yet you are free to see it whenever you please. The ugly things can be beautiful. Something so simple can be poetic and come alive!--as long as you don't write it off as artistically dead to begin with.

Sometimes I wish people saw life through my eyes.

Other times I know they'd think I was constantly insane.

So come on this journey with me...if you dare...to twist things a little and see them as beautiful.

The Hide-and-Seek Darkness

So I wrote this song last night, on a whim. I picked up my guitar and started picking some random stuff and words actually came out and I was able to continue picking.
I just wrote what I said, tweaking a few words here and there.
But I think it's how I feel sometimes...in those low places, where I just want to be all light-happy-and-joyous appearing but I just don't feel that way. I wish, often, that I can just pull that "good attitude" out of my pocket. Like that's what a Christian is supposed to do. I know this isn't human-nature and it's not normal to be perky and happy all the time. The Lord lets us feel down. We do go through peaks and valleys. Sometimes I feel like it's a game of hide-and-seek...the happiness, lightness, and brighness of life goes away, so we have to seek it again, and in doing so we seek the Lord.
The song is in wont of more...which will likely come eventually. Right now I'm just excited at my first "full" picking song hah! This is the gist of it:

The Hide-and-Seek Darkness

I walk through life
Wondering where to find you
Where are you hiding
How about you come and find me

With your hair the same shade as mine
And a deeper shimmer in your eye
A laugh but an echo of mine
And a bigger more sincere smile

Where can I find you
My other self in warmer hue
A spirit so divine
And entertwined with heaven's light

Come shine through
The hide and seek darkness
12/02/07

Sugar, Sugar--Russshhhh

Who knew I would be working with Jr. Highers--and enjoying it. Tonight "my" Jr. High girls group came over. We were supposed to play the game "bigger & better", while looking at the sporadic displays of lights already adorning houses in the neighborhood. We were then supposed to stay outside, light the fire pit, and I was going to give a message, then we could worship back at the church. However, God decided to be funny and made it rain. And I'm not talking a light drizzle where running around and dancing in the rain would still be a quite plausible and even enjoyable way for an 11 or 12 year old girl to spend an alotted two hours. No, this was a down-pour. A constant, yet unpredictable down-pour all day. It would stop raingin for literally two minutes, then pick up again by the time I could run across the street to borrow a single egg and run back, un-jacket-ed and get soaked, hah! The point is, I never before realized how small our house is. We have had multiple Christmas parties--with adults, who take up much more space than the 20 or so people here tonight. Yet the house immediately shrunk, honest to goodness, as these awkward young girls started flooding the doorway, not exactly sure what to do with themselves and flailing all over the place like wild monkeys on 3-week-old bananas bursting with sugar molecules. Except their sugar-bananas of choice were actually massive amounts of sugar cookies and graham crackers all heavily coated with multiple colors of frosting.

Insanity!

And yet....I wouldn't have had it any other way, really.

It amazed me :)

This is what we're here for...to not worry about how much frosting or chocolate is getting ground into the carpet. To not worry about how there's probably apple cider spilt in places we couldn't currently imagine. We're here to get these girls together, watch them in their awkward stages all the way until their blossoming fully into beautiful, mature young women of Christ, and maybe even beyond. We're here to lead them into a quiet place, teach them truths of the Word and worship our Maker.

I gave an adapted message of the "What does God think of your feet?" topic I also gave at my high school group about a month or so ago...perhaps longer. They actually calmed down and I have no idea how receptive they were. I have no clue if they got anything from it, if it made a lick of sense...but that's not of my doing or fulfillment to know, I suppose. They were, I do hope, the Lord's words and his to wriggle into the hearts of those moldable girls.

It does remind me that this is what I want to do. I do love to teach...to explain and shed light. Yet I sometimes doubt it...that it's just this idea I have and that, infact, I am no good at articulating truths at all...I suppose I will find out someday, where my road will lead. Whether it be teaching, or not.

For now, I have pictures :)

Tiana and Mariko...the red nose reindeer?

Hayley, Tiana, Mariko...decorating their sugar cookies

The crew, making graham cracker houses :)

Time to settle down and have a message....about feet. Hah

These girls truly are a blessing and tonight was crazily wonderful.

2 cups of coffee that did me no good while they were here (as I was still apparently dragging and wiped out from baking all afternoon) is now taking a grip on my system and doesn't seem to want to release me to the comfort of my bed and a deep, much desired and needed, sleep.

Perhaps in a few hours...

Paintings and Poetry

Paintings are like poems without words. Beyond the surface they can mean so much more. Yet to most it is easier to express oneself using words and metaphors--things we can understand rather than...see and then comprehend. In black and white, often, it is easier to come to a result. I have the utmost respect and gratitude to those who use their art to convey a sense of meaning where people can see it and feel it at the same time. Using their imagination, putting themselves in the picture...painting, drawing, photograph. I wish I had more of a gifting like this. I wish I had more of a motivation to paint life, as I see it, on a blank canvas. Perhaps my view of life is currently skewed. Nonetheless...someday.

I'm Still Alive

I haven't posted in quite a while, for me, although it seems like such a short while. Funny how life passes quickly when your life is packed full of things to do and accomplish.
From Wednesday till Sunday I spent re-doing, re-painting, re-decorating, and re-furnishing my bedroom. Before that, all extra time was spent on church, school, and finding floors. I now have hard-wood-like lamenent IKEA flooring and white "decorative" closet organizers as well as a new desk...well, soon to be desk. It isn't finished. My dad and I are going to make a top for it...that doesn't make sense now. But I will post pictures of our tiresome weekend and the products of our labor later :)
Hope everyone had a swell Thanksgiving...


It feels good to be organized...in an OCD kind of way though.

Cleared Out

God is funny...I think. Or mean. I haven't decided (...joke...) .

He managed to completely clear out my day today and handled everything that I did end up having to do, quite well. Surprise, surprise at his perfect-ness.

For the past few weeks my days have been leading up to this one...and it's been stressful.

Yet today He showed me how easily all of it can be gone. How he can truly change the tides and how He can truly take care of everything. And the everything we know is just doesn't compare to what He has for us. What can mortal man do to me? Can I add a single hour to my life by worrying? Can the Lord calm the storm? Can I take refuge in Him when things are going crazy...when my emotions are up and down just as much as my hectic schedule? Of course. Praise the Lord. Seriously though. Praise Him for being able to take your plate and dump it...make it crystal clean and sparkling. Praise Him for being capable and compassionate. I have today. He works things out for good. Tis true. And it takes a climax like the last few days to make a person realize that she just has to depend on Him, that she can't do it alone...this whole lifeboat thing.

I feel like these merchants I read about in Psalms 107:23-32. They went out to sea and saw the wonderful works of the Lord...but the Lord brought about a storm at sea. Even in the midst of his beautiful work, the merchants began to be fearful, they lost courage. They didn't know what to do...but then they cried out the the Lord and he delivered them. He completely stilled the storm and the crew praised the Lord with all their hearts as the Lord lead them to their destination.

I'm in the midst of the great things God is doing in my life...his great workmanship. I'm in a great school, a fantastic opportunity with some of the best people. I'm a leader, as I have, deep down, always longed to be, just never had the courage or avenues as I do now. Yet even here, I am hounded, I am hit by storms, projects building up and ministry duties piling high...I feel like I'm sinking...I don't know what to do and I am fearful at failing. But the last two days I have been crying out to the Lord and he has helped me...erased my worries and my stress level has plummeted. It's great! And I know that this is just a part of the journey...this is a part of growth. The Lord cannot perform in his power if I don't fall short--there would be no need. And I do fall short, just by being human, and just by not having enough hands, arms, legs, ears, mouths, and hours in the day, for that matter.

He has cleared the weather and, although it is not going to always be, it's smooth sailing...for now...

Next I just pray he'll just clear out my sinuses...achoooo

-cday

Sick

I am sick today and sound like a frog. Just thought

Talk, Talk, Talk and So much Listening.

People like to talk about themselves. Or not even themselves, but their life. And what they're going through. Or what they know about someone else. Or an experience of someone else's that they just want to talk about. It's funny. People like to talk. But few take time to Listen.

I suppose it may be because I have grown up listening for so long, that I have decided I don't prefer talking too much. A good deal of the time the words that spout out of people's mouths are hypocritical, vain, or just plain stupid. I'm not trying to be mean here. Observe and you will see yourself. A woman on survivor this season (my family is addicted and when I'm home, it happens that I watch it haha) told a man who wasn't very social, a gravedigger, that if he's forced to have a conversation, to just keep asking people about themselves because people like talking about themselves. It's so true.

Sometimes I listen so much to people that I just can't formulate my own thoughts anymore. Does that ever happen to anyone else? It's like...numbness. You're listening, you can retell to the person what they've just said, but it hasn't had any time to sink in because they just keep going and going. Then they pause, want your thoughts, but you can't deliver because it's just ongoing. Consequently, they keep going because no one likes a pause to let things settle down. We all like business. We all like to fill the space with something.

There are those times that I so desire to get something in edgewise but I can't. There is no room once I come too. Sometimes I would really like people to care. Sometimes I would like to care more. All of the time I would like it to just not be about me. When I make it about me is when the problems arise.

Anyway, I have really seen this lately. How time is filled up with other people's words and little is left for mine. It doesn't matter or hurt my feelings so much because I do actually like to listen. It is possible for me to just listen. I do things like this to release. I write, I sing, I draw, I paint, I swim...and I pray.

I've been thinking about this and, as well, thinking of the reasons why it is so necessary to worship God and trying to formulate it into a way I can clearly understand it. On one hand I know why I worship the Lord, he is always faithful and always so good to me. On the other hand, he is the Lord and I have this picture of a humble Jesus in my mind that doesn't need my halfhearted praise. For real, what is man that the Lord cares for me...I'm like a breath; my days are fleeting (Psalm 144: 3-4)...I am insignificant. He doesn't need me.

Yet he does care. Though I don't deserve Him too. And I do come to him in prayer. And it is mostly petition. Lord, help me with this...Lord come touch me here. Lord be with me, strengthen me, sustain me, change me, be everything and more...to me. I ask, I vent, I pray, I petition, I talk and talk and talk and talk and talk some more to the Lord...and he never grows weary of listening. He never stops listening. Because he can listen forever. And what's more, his feelings don't get hurt. But how good does he feel when we stop. When I stop and just realize...Wow. How good are You, Lord? How amazing are You? Praise Your name Lord. You are bigger and better than anything. You are Everything. Words cannot begin to express how amazing You are! I cannot tell You enough how Great You are! But just because I can't put it into words...just because I can't say it enough...does that mean that I don't say it at all? No. That means I do all that I can to get my point across because He deserves it! Like no other.

He listens to us all day long, filling up space with talk, talk, talk. Pointless sometimes. Drama other times. Hypocritical the rest of the time. Yet he still listens, he still listens. And we talk and talk and drown Him out. The poor guy is here with us and we're talking and venting and we are not being the good Friend who let's him get a word in edgewise. We are, probably, one of the worst friends to Him because we expect Him to just listen. But he doesn't want to just listen anymore than you or I want to just listen all the time. He wants to give His thoughts too. He wants to tell us about Himself and the plans He has for us too and what's going on in His day and where we can help Him...by stepping out in faith and talking to someone, or praying for something that hasn't yet crossed our mind and won't until we stop talking for a second and listen.

Listening like this can be so hard. I realize that I can listen endlessly to a person talking, physically, to me. But listening to God...being silent and still before Him is just harder. Not filling that silence is difficult.

I don't know why I wrote this. I don't know why I've been thinking about this more lately. I think it's because I've been talking a lot to God about myself lately and not so much about the important things, like my family, friends, small group, jr. high group, etc. It's been a lot of me talking about myself and little time talking on behalf of others. So, I think I really need to change that. And it's going to start now...

-cday

Better than Any Drug

God is crazy! He's hilarious! I love how I come into his chambers with certain expectations and he blows them out of the water.


For our high school small group leadership meeting today, the healing center and prophesy team came in to pray for us. I love that. I get so anxious, anticipating what the Lord has to say to me and if he will at all. We began worshipping and the team started circulating in between us, scoping us all out and seeing where the Holy Spirit was leading them. A lady came up to me, early on, and began praying over me...I forgot her name. She prayed that the Holy Spirit would come, fall on me, dwell in me, and uncover spiritual gifts. Nothing happened when she prayed. I was slightly discouraged, but still open to what God had for me. She left and I continued to worship. Within a song or two the air started to thicken around me...I could no longer sing, I could no longer sway. I was still, my legs didn't seem to want to work and my mouth just wanted to be still. It was as if the Lord was taking all the energy from me and I was still and silenced before him. Shortly thereafter, as I was still in a state of stillness, two ladies came over. I think one of them was the first lady. She had said she felt led to me in the beginning and I suppose she felt led again. I could definitely feel the Holy Spirit surrounding me and my goodness is it powerful and amazing. I cannot put it into words. I can hardly even try. A lady spoke behind me "Precious", she said and began laying hands on me, speaking in tongues. The first lady, as well, laid hands. Between the two of them I was surrounded and the power radiated. My hands were lifted, as they had remained throughout, and I soon got this heat sensation in them. But it was strange, it was just in a circle in the center of my palm...this warm light pulsing feeling. I began to shake. First my hands, then my whole body. Then I was calming down and twice almost fell. Had not the ladies held me up I would have gone down. The power was amazing.


The last prayer session like this I was filled with fire and heat and yet, at the same time, a sense of floating and complete peace. I went into wanting to shake.


This time I went into it rather expecting to be at peace and not to shake. This time I shook.


The Lord is funny like that.


And the Lord is so fulfilling.


I am realizing I have not been doing the best job for this small group. I have not been inviting the Holy Spirit to come and dwell with us. I have not been expecting and earnestly desiring. I have been going along with the motions, forgetting that allowing the Holy Spirit to work, giving the Lord time to actually come is the most important part. Not my message, no matter how annointed I think it may be. The Holy Spirit needs room. Those girls deserve a leader who will allow it. And I need to step it up and draw nearer to the Lord.





Nights like these are the best.


Refreshment, rejuvenation, Hope.


Man, the Lord is Good.

Me

This is the stupidest (w/c? hahh) blog ever lately.
It's all about me.
And you know why?
Because I was feeling fake...or something like that.
I started looking through all my old things, reminiscing on the person I used to be and feeling like I was cheating myself. Like I'd strayed too far from the person I really am.
But that person was never the person I wanted to be in the first place. The person I am now, the leader, the God follower, a prayer warrior, a vessel, a testimony, a changed person. New-- reborn, and improved--by God's restoration. That is the person woman I have always wanted to be. I need growth still and will forever...but I do not need to retreat because I'm changing.

In the past few days I've really realized some things. It's funny how someone can say something and not know how much you relate to them, or how much, in that simple idea or experience, your eyes have opened to see your own self and circumstances in a new light.

I was on my way to prayer on Tuesday and thinking of all the things I really needed prayer for, but which ones I would actually say. I decided that all my problems are likely spawned from one: My devotions and alone time with the Lord have been lacking. I have been so tired lately when I have the house to myself that I am lazy and nap. I have been hit with so many headaches lately that when it comes time to do my devotions at night, I can't focus on the physical words, much less generate any emotions or spiritual strengthening from them. Do I rebuke the headaches? Well no, I'm too tired, of course. Is that the biggest cop out ever? Well yes, of course. Anyway, I'm going too indepth here. I made my way to prayer and met up with Sammie who, true to form, had the same prayer request as me. Her devotions and alone time with God, as mine, were pathetic. Then she said it...she felt disgusting. Dirty. Ugly. Gross. Hey, I thought to myself, I feel that way too. Hey, I thought again, as puzzle pieces collided and a fuzzy picture came into focus, it all started when I stopped pursuing the Lord as fully. When I got busy. When my schedule changed. When I took that baby step away from my Jesus to focus on other things that, while they are important, can and never should be as important as the Lord.
Jesus is perfect, beauty, light. He is in me, reflected outward. When I am in his presence. Whilst I had stepped away the beauty faded. As the beauty faded I began to feel worse. It got darker, yes. And the darkness is simply depressing. I receded. More beauty left me. The light grew dimmer. I was left with ugliness. Guiltiness at not being able to be everything. Failure. Didn't I remember there is no condemnation for those in Jesus Christ. But then, hadn't I stepped out of Him. Wasn't I, then, vulnerable, unarmed, to attack by the Enemy's condemnation, lies, and deception which I then allowed to penetrate and dictate my actions. Malarkey.
There will be valleys and mountains and learning experiences. I have had an experience and it has been illustrated for me. Unfortunately I am a visual learner. I can see all these things happening, in the aftermath. But initially, I did not see them panning out as they would. As they, now have, of course, and yes, the Lord uses it for His good. Because He is Good.

Steven Curtis Chapman God Follower Lyrics

My heart is restless as I wander through this jungle
The trees above refuse to let the sunlight through
And somewhere deep inside I hear the whispered longings
That tell me I was made for more than this

A blinding flash of light falls down into the darkness
Slowly I notice strange new markings on the trail
The crimson drops are calling out to me come and follow
"I am the God who made you, let Me show you how to live"
And I cry…

I want to be a God follower
I want to go wherever He leads
I want to be a God follower
I want to walk the trail He’s marked for me
And be a God follower
(More than anything)

And now I journey on with purpose and with passion
Just like a dead man who’s been given breath again
And though this path can still grow dark with tears and sorrow
I know He will never leave me
So with everything I am I will say…

And when I reach God’s place
I will look into His face
And then I’ll look for you
Will I find you there?
Can you say with me…
I want to be a God follower
I want to be a God follower
I want to be a God follower
I want to be a God follower

Balance

I'm not gonna lie. I'm having a hard time. I watch all these shows, I go to this class, I read these books about nutrition and how it's so important and people are aging their bodies and dying so much sooner and in a lot of cases it's all preventable by exercise and nutrition. Yet I come home and my mom and I have a conversation about it all and she says she's worried this nutrition class is making things worse, that I need to not be so picky about eating healthy and that one piece of pizza or one chicken wing or one cheeseburger is not going to cause a heart attack. I know this. But shoot, one leads to another. I have plenty of "ones". But I feel better (!) when I'm eating healthy. It's good when I exercise. It gives me something to do. So just because I'm being "too picky" means we can't have healthy food? She basically said it's irrelevant and "not about that" because she used to have a greasy cheeseburger and brownie ice cream at Frostyz everyday when she was in high school. It did make some sort of difference. She just can't see it yet. I wish I could control the cupboards and shop myself at Trader Joe's or Whole Foods or Henry's or somethingggg. But Trader Joe's, being the only one my mom will shop at, stresses me out. It's such a small store and I never feel like I can look around before I start freaking out.
What spurred this post was Oprah. Hah! Dr. Oz is on and took a servey of the audience's health. The healiest woman in the audience cooks nearly all her meals herself (no eating out/fast food/ processed/ preservatives) and she runs three times a week with a friend and swims two other days of the week. That is amazing! I want to do that! At least the exercise. The eating too, actually. Maybe I should take a culinary class next semester so I can cook dinners. I am really awful at cooking. But I need to learn how if I'm ever going to truly be a healthy person. I am so clueless when it comes to cooking...I burn grilled cheese for heaven's sake.
Anyway, I've really been wanting to go running. It's like this itch I've been having. But not just running. Prayer running. I think I need to do it. But I'm a girl and my parents are worried about me running around the neighborhood alone in the mornings. Especially since there have been a few early-morning break-in's to cars and garages lately.
Other than that, I really want to, sometime in my lifetime, participate in a triathalon. I think that would be amazing. And it's not so much the triathalon part. It's the training that takes place months and months before. The discipline to realize there is really a goal at the end. I don't know if my body would even be able to hold up. I've had knee and back problems since middle school. But part of the problem, my doctor said, may be that I don't have enough "core strength"...abs. And I just haven't used my legs in years so perhaps if I start slower I could gain strength and build them up.
I read this book over the summer called Prayerwalk by Janet Holm McHenry and it was seriously amazing. I recommend it a lot. It makes you want to get up and do something, for your community, for your healthy, and, most importantly for God--to see him released by prayer throughout your community and personal life. It's goood. :)

Halloween

We had our big pot-luck type Halloween gig tonight in the cul-de-sac and it was fun, as always. I really treasure the times when we all just come together, our own little community, and have dinner, share stories, and just chill. I'm not a big party girl, I enjoy the little, yes, boring, things of life. Parties and crowds make me anxious. So I stay home with a slew of kids under 12 years old and am comfortable and happy :)
Kayla and Amanda came over for a bit tonight. We ate, made brownies, talked, and hung out. Probably not the best time ever for them, but I had a really great night. I love where I live. Even if it's not in the mountains on a lake.
Here are some pictures!





I decided to dress up as myself this year--wearing my own clothes, I threw together a hippie-ish outfit in all of five minutes. It was swell :) Connor wore my old shirt I made for peace-week last year because he didn't know what to be either. He was a good hippie I think.
Jan Stork came up to me and laughed and said, "Hah! I dressed like that all the time...I remember those days...well, most of them." She is hilarious that woman. :)

Even Here.

I have had this nagging headache for days now. My picture frames are off center behind my head right now. And that's making it worse. So, I came to bed. Turned off the lights and drank up the darkness, letting it wash this headache out of me. Yet, as so often happens, I could not stay down for long because words wriggled their way to the front of my imagination and demanded to be put to music and jotted down on the nearest piece of paper at hand. I love those times. When the Lord reveals my heart to me. Odd, to put it that way, yes. But truly I cannot tell you how I just don't feel the reality of what I'm feeling at times. I just don't think of it. I just push it back. I sweep it under the rug. Or, like a little kid, hide it under the bed, or in the closet. It's not on the surface, these thoughts, worries, burning desires. But that doesn't mean they aren't there. Writing is my release. Writing is my running. And it's amazing how He can meet me here. Even here. In this room, in the dark and wash over me, romance me. Make me feel. It's craziness.

Control

God has given me control over my life in order to give control to Him. And that is awesome. The reality that this life is not best lived for myself, but rather for Him, is beyond words.
I feel the best when I am with people in fellowship. When I am worshipping alone in my room or in a room full of Jesus praising people. Not when I am being selfish or petty or giving in to gnawing temptations. And I do see it! I do see that I am being tempted by evil only because I am good. And I am good only because I am God's. Because I have what it takes. Because I have a true hunger for more. Because God has put that in me and it is nothing of my own. Because...here we go! I am nothing! I am nothing. I have wanted to be nothing for so long. And alas I am nothing. I am a vapor, a dust; miniscule, minute. And it is all God.
So I'm letting go. I'm going to be nothing. And I'm going to let God be everything.
I am done being foolish. I am done giving in. Making up excuses because, afterall, "I am only human". No, I am nothing. But I am a spirit. And the spirit of the Living God is in me and that makes me more than a conqueror. More than human. That makes me spiritual. And equipped. Not inept. To fight this invisible and raging battle.

On a much lighter note...
my mom is making artichokes (!!) for dinner...as well as chicken and baked potatoes (and I saw a pumpkin pie in the fridge!). Oh my goodness. I haven't had artichokes in ages. I am so excited. They are sooo amazing!!

The Hitches

Simple Grace was amazing tonight. Seriously it makes me want to learn guitar even better and even sing and even sing in front of my children so they can grow up musically inclined!
I need to start breaking out of this shell and share my stuff with the world one of these days. Haha...maybe not today, or tomorrow...or the next day, for that matter. But one of these days :)
Anyway, my mom is really bugging me about the Hitches now.
Super.
Hah!

Divine Answers

I love it when you, who isn't really "you", but rather "I", I am talking about, have a question that has been turning around in the back of your brain for days and days. Maybe even months. And you just don't know the answer. Don't know if you're exaggerating, dramatizing, being unrealistic, or just plumb crazy for wondering or not knowing or thinking the answer is this one day and that the next. And of course you can't ask anyone because that's just strange and uncomfortable and we all know we like to be in control of our comfort bubble's temperature level. So we go on. Wondering. Asking our minds over and over again and our minds answer on repeat this and then that. But you walk into church Sunday morning, unexpecting. And it hits you like a ton of bricks. The answer spoken right out of the mouth of the Lord's messenger. And you know. And you almost missed it. And that's scary. And do you really want to hear it after all? I would hope you would. I would hope I would. Want to finally hear the truth.
Ya hear?
Naw, probably not.
Because sometimes I just can't say a darn thing straight.
Good thing for the Lord's grace.

Speaking of grace...Simple Grace plays tonight and I have to say I'm excited. It's folk music. And it's...amazing.
Good day.

LJ

I've spent the last hour going through old livejournal posts and remembering how I used to be and how...different that is and where I've gone and who I've become and if I've either strayed too far from my roots or just evolved. Into someone else. But into who I'm supposed to be. Or, moreso at least. It brings back so many memories. Tucked neatly into a box in my memory....
I was wretched.

And yet, these will be the basis for something someday.
-----------------
I am...so torn.
like...
wrapping paper on a gift.
There's a good thing on the inside.
True,
but there's a good thing on the outside too.
And it has to be ruined,
to get to the better thing.
Or, atleast,
it's a risk you have to take...
you can only hope the inside is better than the outside
when you're tearing apart and destroying the wrapping--the BOX.
Which has kept the gift so comfortable and safe for a long time.

Oh my life as a metaphorical gift--divine. 11/26/06
----------------------

Deadbolt Mind 9/02/06


Her mind is a room

She can not escape,

With thoughts and feelings

Written on page after page.



The floors are piled mile high,

With words and phrases of

Life’s multiple stages,

Vivid dreams and obscure hazes.



But the door is locked,

She won’t let anyone in

Despite relentless knocks

No one enters; neither kith nor kin.



Fending off translucence with

A deadbolt here and a lock there,

What they think she’s hiding,

She concedes not to care.



Yet, it’s the dark closet that worries her,

Can’t let anyone close enough to see

All the dirty and soiled accounts

Of heart ache, pain, and silent necessities.



No, she is not flawless.

Why must they otherwise assume?

Why do they wonder

She won’t let them in the seclusion of her room?
----------------
We use words as sheilds
covering with comedy
the things we can't explain.
We use laughter to lighten
to sweeten
and brighten
situations that merit dismay. 8/26/06
-------------------------------
i always want

desire

what i don't have

currently.

if it weren't this.

it would be that.

when it was that

it wasn't this.

but this

just

won't

go

away.


I would like very much
to be able to move any which way I please
and not worry about visibility.

8/05/06.
-----------------------
I do not want to write about purity.
I don't.
There are books out there.
Go buy them.
I want to write about self image.
What I do want to write about
is the one thing I can not possibly.
Not yet.
Because I would be one big fat hypocrite.
No pun entirely intended.

Take me to a place where I can be
Free of flesh and twirl and sing
Take me to a place where I can be
That feeling people long for...
That thing called Happy?

08/05/06

Friar

So, since all the stress and happenings of this week are over, I am forced to get back into the mindset of school and remembering all that I have to do. I have two long term projects to think about. I worked on both for a little bit today, and spent a lot of time drawing a picture for my english project. But honestly, I felt really awful today. A headache all day long that started last night. I woke up around 12:00pm this...afternoon. And, after suffering through the headache for a few hours, decided to go back to bed around 2:00. I woke up around 4:00...turned on a lifetime movie (lame, I know) and started to draw.

So, for our chaucer's canterbury tales project, Amanda, Kayla, and I are doing The Summoner's Tale....which is actually about a Friar. This is one drawing I did for it:

Tell me what you think is going on in this...odd...picture :) ahaha

Frustrated

I'm bored.
I sit.
I eat.
I feel bad.
I need out.

I draw.
"It scares me".
"I know."

Go to the gym.
Can't.
Air's bad.
They say not to.
She says no.
I groan.
Do this.
The end.

Not really though.

What am I going to doooo.

Day

I had an awful one yesterday.

And I wish I wrote as poetically as I used to.

Unfortunately, my poetic side is usually accompanied by some sort of manic state of mind :)

But at least then I feel like I am feeling. In an odd way...if that makes sense.

I have a long list of phone calls to make now.

Julian

The thing that makes me so sad about this whole fire ordeal is the land being burned. I'm selfish. I like the trees. I was so excited that they were going to begin to change color soon and the hills would be bursting with color. Now, I don't know if there are so many left. I care about people too...don't get me wrong. But things like hiking through random hills...I will miss. Hopefully it's not destroyed too much. But how can I know unless I go out and see for myself.

Last Saturday my family and I went to the Julian area...stopped at Dudley's backery and bought soooo many loaves of bread! But the awesome part was seeing a group of wild turkeys. There must have been about 20 of them! So we drove past, found an area to turn around, and the chase was on. I had my camera with me and I was determined to get me a picture of some wild turkey!

They run faster than you'd think.

I got a little winded running up that hill...but it was so worth it. And so fun! Although I never got my perfect shot of wild turkey running crazy toward me. It was alright.

Firestorm: The Witch Fire

Southern California is now on fire...again. It's dejavu. I love the mountains--my heart is in the mountains; now I look toward mine and wonder if it'll bring disaster in the coming days. Earlier there were about 8 fires burning, none contained. The Santa Ana winds are blowing them, giving life to the flames. Hot and insidiously the fire is burning away life as many people know it. All of us are glued to our televisions. Wondering who's next...? What town is on the fire's hit list? None of the people who's homes are destroyed tonight and right in the fire's line of distruction thought they would be. No one thought their house would be gone tonight.
For some reason I thought if I just took a nap, I would wake up and this would all be over. We would be able to claim that the media overexaggerated circumstances. Yet how can anyone deny that long, ongoing list of addresses, letting families know they had no home to go back to. Just a charred piece of black land.
As I slept I heard the wind, roaring. The wind that I love in all it's freedom--yet hate today, the catalyst. My mom came into my room about a half hour ago and gave me a heads up. Andrea called, her husband is working the fire and called home to tell her the firestation is talking about Rattlesnake mountain as a possible candidate for evacuation in the coming day. I haven't been as nervous during this fire as I was during the Cedar fire. We talked a bit about evacuation last time. But last time I didn't follow the blaze on the news and see all these people who had been in my shoes....kind of worried, but never thought the fire would reach their house. The wind is constantly changing and last night the winds picked up over night. I don't even know what I would bring...I have so many little things. Important things...my life stories.....pages after pages of rough drafts of poems and stories and...that's not even necessary, afterall. It would kill me to lose it all.
My heart is burning. And it looks like it's going to be a long road ahead...

I Wonder How Long I'll Love You...

I was sitting in bed a few nights ago feeling full of life. Just that overwhelming feeling of Love for the Lord. Appreciation, longing, desire, and love for Jesus. These days come over me and sometimes spread into weeks where I am just lost in his beauty, in awe of his greatness and grace. Yet I sat in bed wondering when it would stop. When the great high feeling of being so in love would dissipate. Evaporate. Cease in it's fullness and satiety. The next night I was hit with a migraine and emotionally attacked. Today my migraine lingers and I've lost the overwhelming love all-together. Today I'm stuck on myself and my own problems.
Why did the feeling go away? Was it when I realized it would? Did I subconsciously push the Holy Spirit out...in doubt; thus becoming vulnerable to attack. Oh, me...me of little faith. Holding on by my fingers, but in doing so, getting dragged along by a vehicle destined for great things. If I could only stop this teetering inbetween. If I could just fully grasp on, jump on the bandwagon and leave everything else behind. Then wouldn't I be fully on the highway to heaven, instead of half myself on the highway to hell. Figurately. The Lord's grace is amazing. And it will save me yet.

I had this vision during leadership retreat. It was Jesus in white robes and taking up my entire vision...and little me standing there. He was saying something like "cling to me" and I did. I couldn't see him in his entirety because he was so large and I was so small. I could only cling to a small portion of him...my physical surface area only matched about a 100th of His. And I got this sense that I didn't have to grasp or understand him fully, but he could understand me as he fully enveloped me in shining white. I often think about this. He's the only one who knows me fully. Maybe sometimes that's scary.

Prayer Meetings

So my school has only 34 or so kids in the senior class and senior class meets before junior class, from 9:30-12:20 in the morning/afternoon. We all have random classes at random other times of the day, except for Friday. So we chose Friday as a day when a group of about 6 of us would regularly meet at 9:00 to support, strengthen and build eachother, as well as our entire school, and Grossmont College, through prayer. We don't have a Christian club at our school, but we only have thirty students. I mean, yeah, we could pull it off...maybe we could get there at 8:30am instead and spend 15 minutes on a message and 15 minutes maybe even worshipping...someone (even me) could easily bring a guitar. Who knows, maybe it could happen. But the point of this post was to document a possibly great thing as a result of us meeting this morning. A kid in our class, who we'll call Stan...haha, is kind of...different. He has very strong opinions about things and, to my knowledge, is either atheist or agnostic. I think he told us once, but I forgot. At any rate, he walked up to us before we started praying this morning and we were all just chatting. But then I was like "...Hey, let's start praying! Does anyone have anything they need prayer for?" Stan starts to get up and says "I see, kick out the nonreligious kid" but I was like..."wait no way, you can totally stay! It's open to any and everyone!" He was hesitant and said "I'm not into the whole praying thing...I don't like it, never really tried it either" or something like that. Tyler, one of the regulars, was like, "Well, you might not want to come to class then...because I'm not gonna lie, I pray all the time in there" Stick it to the man Tyler! Stan sat down and was like..."Good point, I guess I'll stay." So he did. And he even gave a prayer request, for his cousin, Tenessa (I think) who's Grandma (a mother-figure) just passed away. It was awesome to at least indirectly lift him up and thank Jesus Stan came. I really think this kid is just searching for some kind of self validation, someone to look at him and think he's worth it, has a purpose. Basic self-discovery stuff that will really help him if he starts turning to God. So lift him up if you think about it...but his name's not Stan. But God knows that haha!

God is Faithful

I just got home from the high school small group I'm leading and it was amazing!
I have never given a message before to people my own age. I used to really be afraid to speak up, to talk to peers at all. Last year I grew a ton and completely came out of my shell. Tonight I was sooo nervous. I prepared this message that I just wasn't sure about (the notes are in the post below..."What Does God Think About Your Feet?"). I didn't know if it was too remedial or if the metaphor would go right over the girl's heads. I had no clue! But the verse I based it off of had really jumped out at me...as Allie reminded me tonight "The Word of God is alive...and sometimes it's freaking scary" (hah!). In other words, I knew it was a topic I needed to speak about, an idea I needed to convey...clearly! But that was the problem, I didn't know if I would be able to. But I think I did...and I wasn't even nervous.
My whole stress about leading this group is based upon whether or not I would be able to effectively give messages. I'm not perfect...I'll grow and need to, but God is faithful! He told me to do this group and I did not really want to. I did not initially have a passion for the girls, but doors opened and prophesies were given. I obeyed...and yeah, I had little faith...but I did have some. I went in trusting, knowing I had to be there for a reason.
After tonight I can really see this thing working out and I can really see myself learning more and more to let God speak to and through me, using this small group as an avenue. I'm thankful and really glad I'm doing this. God is good :)

What Does God Think About Your Feet?

My first high school group message notes...

What Does God Think About Your Feet?
October 11, 2007


Q: What do you think about your feet…do you like your feet? Do they gross you out? What do your feet look like…do you have a pedicure, or are your feet dirty?
Q: Do you like to have dirty feet? Or is it uncomfortable?
Romans 10:15: Background: Paul is talking, basically, about people going out and preaching to unbelievers so they can go out, as well, and spread the news.
15And how can they preach unless they are sent? As it is written, "How beautiful are the feet of those who bring good news!"[a]
I was reading through my devotions and found this verse and was immediately taken aback: Feet are not beautiful. For starters, they are dirty, gross, and just funny looking. I loved the thought of this oxymoron though...so, I looked up another verse…
Isaiah 52:7:
7 How beautiful on the mountains
are the feet of those who bring good news,
who proclaim peace,
who bring good tidings,
who proclaim salvation,
who say to Zion,
"Your God reigns!"
-How do you get up a mountain? You walk, hike, run. In those days it was a long journey. Has anyone been hiking up a mountain? You get dirty, sweat soaked socks…and
Men and women’s feet from biblical times were even worse…sandals, dirt roads; probably blisters and cuts. To spread the word of God people had to walk miles and miles on dusty roads, not always having the luxury of washing their feet.
--yet this was beautiful to God.
--to our standards, dirty, worn out and hard worked feet are not beautiful. But that’s a wordly mindset.
Today we don’t really like to get dirty, we go to the spa, get a manicure and pedicure, etc.
We like to be comfortable and clean…but God calls us to be uncomfortable, to get a little dirty.
Being a Christian means we are called to “bring [The] good news” to people…that means we’ve entered a fight, a battle.
(Eph 6:12 NLT) “12 For we[a] are not fighting against flesh-and-blood enemies, but against evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against mighty powers in this dark world, and against evil spirits in the heavenly places.”
--Battle of good versus evil, God’s kingdom versus Satan’s…
For this reason, following God’s will isn’t always pretty…it’s hard. Going and helping out the homeless isn’t always clean, tidy, and sheltered like church can be. Going on a missions trip to a place like Africa or Ecuador isn’t exactly clean. But it’s these things that are beautiful to God.
Now these messengers who decided to go out and preach the news on long journeys by foot in sandals didn’t have baby feet like ours. Their feet were worn in, callused, tough and rough to the touch from years and years of walking in sandaled feet. Their feet were trained for the hard work they were going to do. So I’m not saying that all of you have to go out and do something dirty like go chill with the homeless or take the next flight to the African planes. No, you’re in the process of toughening up your feet. If you go out there before you’re prepared, you’ll hurt yourself.
But, with every step you take you make a difference.
Proverbs 6:18 says:
16 There are six things the LORD hates,
seven that are detestable to him:
17 haughty eyes,
a lying tongue,
hands that shed innocent blood,
18 a heart that devises wicked schemes,
feet that are quick to rush into evil,
Wait, but I thought God loves feet? Thinks they are beautiful…? Well, God can hate your feet if they are running into the devil’s arms instead of His.
So, it’s where you go, what you do
When you use your feet are you going somewhere that blesses God or are you running to gossip with your friends, drink, smoke, do something illegal, or do something you know is wrong?
And if you’re tempted to do something wrong, to take that step away from God, look at your feet. How often, when someone is asking us to do something we know is wrong, do we look down—at our feet…it’s like a reflex. So let your feet be a reminder
Does God think your feet are beautiful or ugly?
Hopefully you’ll lead a life that is glorifying to God in all you do and your feet will be beautiful wherever you go.

Love

We have to write a sonnet for english...unrequited and undying love. I write constantly. But not about love anymore. I'd turned that tap off long ago and the juices just don't flow that way anymore.
As I'm having to tap back into it, I'm digging up all these past feelings and it hurts a bit. It makes me think that perhaps I'm so anti-relationships because turning it off means not getting hurt. Turning it off means no pain, no disappointments. No unrequited love. On one hand my mind knows that love at this age, whereas graspable I'm sure, is just not realistic and intelligent to seek after at all. It doesn't make sense for the now. But another facet may well be that I am truly holding back because I fear it as well. I want to be strong and leaning on someone else is not? I'm confused; and yes, love scares me.

Not-so Silent Whispers

I talk to myself constantly. I've been noticing it. I won't be able to tell you when I'm doing it, I just do it, and I never realize it. And you know what? It's always about important subjects that need to not be said. One of these days I'm going to be all figured out because someone will be standing behind me and I'll be whispering things to myself not-so-silently and completely unaware. Maybe it's my subconscience begging for someone to dig a little deeper. Maybe it's lunacy. At any rate, I'm a better writer when I'm insaneee.
So, as not to tarry on the subject too much longer, The Point: I just caught myself doing it. Whispering aloud, with my door open (literally and perhaps metaphorically), and with people in the house.
So I'm writing about it...wondering if I'm losing my mind--again.
I loathe regression. Sometimes I can understand the necessity, for growth purposes. But other times...it's just the devil's work.

I have to go clean something.

Fad Baker

I'm a bad friend. I don't call, I don't write, I don't feel normal feelings of detachment. Often. Then, there are those who are nearly overbearing with their caring. People who drive people like me away. So where is this happy medium of you're my friend, but understand that I can't be everyone's just one and everything all the time?
I don't really know where that came from. I'm just dreadful. I don't send birthday cards or buy Christmas gifts and I don't go to parties because they're uncomfortable.
I had a thought earlier, one of those deep ones that come every so often and now that I think about it, perhaps it's just all too simple...but...


People seem so often to be the only ones holding themselves back from being who they want to be. It's funny. We all go through deep stages in life where we feel so utterly fake and plastic, with happy smiles and fantastic facades...putting on the front for all these people--just make them happy, even if we're not. Even if we don't know who we are. Even if we're breaking. Yet the person we're pretending to be is the one person we truly want to be...really. And everyone knows this person, everyone sees this person and loves this person and wants this person to just see, gosh darn it just see how great you really are. And when we see it, when we break it all apart and build it back together, then perhaps we realize that we were what we wanted all along...we just didn't know it. Didn't know we had it in us. Really. And everyone watching is just dying for us to rebuild and realize. But we fight it. We search for other things, other people to be. Can't become our parents, can't become our church. Who should we be? For that matter, who are we for goodness sake? What if we could just be. Not that easy. It's unfortunate. I love how there are a select few who know me better than I know myself. And yet as I have become this person I'm growing comfortable with, I've grown apart from these select few and closer to the select One that really matters. And in Him I'm growing exponentially. I just had to break down and rebuild, find strength and my inner saving grace.
I feel like my thoughts just took shape of a wallyball and bounced all over four white walls, changing subjects as it went.
Sorry for the damage.

Small Group Update

Melinda Newkirk prayed about it and informed us she couldn't be the adult leader. Things were not looking good and I was giving up and giving it to God. Basically just thinking there would be no small group. Teale reminded me Friday night that things were going to happen last minute and this was still last minute.
I've been mulling it over and not knowing what to do but just letting whatever happens happen.
Allie called me tonight and said her mom, Charlotte, has been praying about it and wants to do lead and we can even have it at her house. The launch is tomorrow and I haven't made flyers or gotten a table set up or anything. So I don't think I'm going to...it's too last minute, actually. But then, if I would have been smart, I would have listened the first time and known that this was going to happen. Oh me of little faith. Yep.

Amazing Answer to Prayer through Prophesy!!

I've been giving this small group leadership position up to God, going back and forth between wanting to do it, being intimidated, and getting really stoked at the idea! But I still haven't been sure, 100% if I'm supposed to do this. I still don't know for sure if it's going to work out, but I think I need to try to make it work now.
We had senior lounge tonight, where seniors break off into a separate room and eat (Chinese tonight) food and a separate speaker comes to give a special message. I've never met, nor seen this guy before, but he's amazing--Kevin something or other. Anyway, he gave a message about David and Bathsheba and how David should have been at war and fighting a battle instead of at home twidling his thumbs, letting the other guys take care of it, and getting led into temptation. I applied this to my experiences lately. I feel like I could easily sit back at home Thursday nights and not lead a small group, I would have y Sunday night mandatory monthly leadership meeting freed up, not to mention the hours spent on follow up phone calls, preparation for messages, and separate meetings with the adult leader every week. I could let someone else fight this small group leadership battle. Easily. But that would leave me vulnerable to temptation, a lack of accountability, which I so desire and need as well.
Kevin's message was short and sweet, but then he just kind of stopped. Started looking around the small room with about 40ish seniors packing rows of chairs. He stopped at a guy with a red shirt on and started prophesying over him, telling him he'd dream dreams and get visions in his sleep. He started talking again, but stopped again and finally came to me. I was the second or third one, out of only four, to be prophesied over. He said he felt like I was going through something in College. Don't know where I'm going, am kind of confused. But God will use mentors and elders in the church to help guide my plans. That things will be very last minute, but seem to just fall together in the end. God works in just the right amount of time, basically, not too soon and not too late. Also, that I would be a light in this place, that God would fill my mouth with words, and when I open it, I will be surprised at what comes out because they won't be mine, basically, but God's.
I think this was my confirmation for leading this small group. I think the educational setting he meant for me was actually this small group. I think this for several reasons: 1) I have been looking for an older, wise woman to lead me. When I first met Melinda Newkirk (the potential adult leader of the group), I was drawn to her and had thoughts about a mentorship in the future. I would meet with her twice a week and she is going to have to help me greatly and guide me when it comes to this small group, since I haven't done it before. 2) This is all very last minute. I am the only group who still has virtually no one set up, yet slowly, things are working out. I found an apprentice tonight, hopefully and God has seriously layed her on my heart for a while now. Each time I think about small group, she pops in my head. Over the summer I got to know her better and have grown to really love and respect her, which is perfect! Looks like God's been preparing my heart. 3) My one fear about small group is that when I open my mouth my words will not be God's, but my own...and I know my words alone are not sufficient--at all. So knowing that God will be my mouth is extremely encouraging!
Basically tonight was awesome. I'm calling John Hoffman (P.J. hah!) tomorrow to tell him I'm on board if we can get a good day, place, and Melinda is for sure willing to help a lot!
This is working out, it looks like, though there are definitely some things that need to be ironed out still.
God is amazing. And I seriously love prophesy! I want the gift of prophesy! Maybe someday :)

Small Group

Pray for me!
I'm kind of stressed right now...which is mildly ridiculous.
The story:
Allie, Layne and I have been searching for a high school small group adult leader for months to no avail. Allie decided she feels God calling her to focus more on her Kid's Club ministry (plus school, and a job) and I don't know what Layne's story is but the point is, they aren't doing it anymore. I've never led a group before yet still feel like it may be something God wants me to do. John said Melinda Newkirk said she'd be an adult leader if need be and I need her! I don't know her well, but she's in her midforties or so and, so I've heard, is quite wise and will be able to help me out a lot...I'm intimidated, yes and do not want to go through with this if God is not going to be backing me up...if this is not a battle I'm supposed to fight I don't want to be left vulnerable and I don't want the girls in the group to suffer for it either! So please, if you think about it, pray that I would get a sense of clarity, understanding, and direction on where to go with this new leadership information. Am I really ready to take this on? Or is the devil just trying to get me not to? I don't know. I need the power of God here people--pray! hahhhh no but seriously...thanks ;)

Amanda and Emily

Today was an odd day. It was one of those where I just didn't much care for anyone or want to see anyone all that much or talk or be a friend. Isolation was what I felt I needed. My room's a mess, my car's a mess, and I just felt discombobulated. Not a good feeling :) But I was looking forward to the gym, a nice hour swim, maybe more. But then my mom asked me to keep an eye on Connor while they went to his parent night for the new incoming 6th graders from 5:30-6:40 or something like that. I was planning on leaving for the gym at 6:00 to do some lap swimming and was bummed I couldn't leave till 6:30. Turns out it was perfect timing though. While at the gym I ran into some 7th grade girls who recognized me as "Darbie's cousin's best friend" (a.k.a Jessica's besft friend). They were in the lane next to me and we chatted about the PE department (since I may be interning there soon) and they said I should definitely come spend some time on the field. I kept swimming, as did they, and then got out and went to change. While in the locker room, the girls meandered in to change themselves and stopped by to chat again. They asked where I went to school, if I'd graduated. I explained the Middle College experience and my current desire to be a PE teacher. They thought that was awesome. The most talkative, Emily, told me she swam for Heartland, as did I, so we talked about that some, and I told them both to never stop swimming because it's great for you and helps keep you healthy. It was just fun to talk to these girls and listen to what they had to say as well and if I could do that for a living, encourage kids to stay healthy, active, and in school, how satisfying would that be?
My mom thinks I'll get bored being a PE teacher, and who knows, I might. My dad, on the other hand, actually thinks it'd be an awesome job. Eh, I have years to decide still.
But tomorrow, our Jr. High girls small group is going to play WallyBall! How excitiiiing :)

Wedding

I have never been the kind of gal who's dreampt of her wedding day. I know I'd rather it be small and outside...but I haven't pictured it, seen myself in white...blah blah blah. But I come home today and my mom has a bridal magazine out on the kitchen table. So I sit down and skim it through while eating a bowl of cereal and find THE dress. I mean, it's me. I've never liked the idea of a wedding dress or spending tons of money on a dress that isn't even "me". But this dress is me! And I slightly wish I were ready to get married...yeah right!
So, I decided to post a picture of it. I also think it will be interesting to look back, when I do get married, and see if I even like this dress anymore, when the time comes.

p.s. click on the picture to make it bigger... :)