I'm a bad friend. I don't call, I don't write, I don't feel normal feelings of detachment. Often. Then, there are those who are nearly overbearing with their caring. People who drive people like me away. So where is this happy medium of you're my friend, but understand that I can't be everyone's just one and everything all the time?
I don't really know where that came from. I'm just dreadful. I don't send birthday cards or buy Christmas gifts and I don't go to parties because they're uncomfortable.
I had a thought earlier, one of those deep ones that come every so often and now that I think about it, perhaps it's just all too simple...but...
People seem so often to be the only ones holding themselves back from being who they want to be. It's funny. We all go through deep stages in life where we feel so utterly fake and plastic, with happy smiles and fantastic facades...putting on the front for all these people--just make them happy, even if we're not. Even if we don't know who we are. Even if we're breaking. Yet the person we're pretending to be is the one person we truly want to be...really. And everyone knows this person, everyone sees this person and loves this person and wants this person to just see, gosh darn it just see how great you really are. And when we see it, when we break it all apart and build it back together, then perhaps we realize that we were what we wanted all along...we just didn't know it. Didn't know we had it in us. Really. And everyone watching is just dying for us to rebuild and realize. But we fight it. We search for other things, other people to be. Can't become our parents, can't become our church. Who should we be? For that matter, who are we for goodness sake? What if we could just be. Not that easy. It's unfortunate. I love how there are a select few who know me better than I know myself. And yet as I have become this person I'm growing comfortable with, I've grown apart from these select few and closer to the select One that really matters. And in Him I'm growing exponentially. I just had to break down and rebuild, find strength and my inner saving grace.
I feel like my thoughts just took shape of a wallyball and bounced all over four white walls, changing subjects as it went.
Sorry for the damage.
9.19.2007
9.17.2007
Small Group Update
Melinda Newkirk prayed about it and informed us she couldn't be the adult leader. Things were not looking good and I was giving up and giving it to God. Basically just thinking there would be no small group. Teale reminded me Friday night that things were going to happen last minute and this was still last minute.
I've been mulling it over and not knowing what to do but just letting whatever happens happen.
Allie called me tonight and said her mom, Charlotte, has been praying about it and wants to do lead and we can even have it at her house. The launch is tomorrow and I haven't made flyers or gotten a table set up or anything. So I don't think I'm going to...it's too last minute, actually. But then, if I would have been smart, I would have listened the first time and known that this was going to happen. Oh me of little faith. Yep.
I've been mulling it over and not knowing what to do but just letting whatever happens happen.
Allie called me tonight and said her mom, Charlotte, has been praying about it and wants to do lead and we can even have it at her house. The launch is tomorrow and I haven't made flyers or gotten a table set up or anything. So I don't think I'm going to...it's too last minute, actually. But then, if I would have been smart, I would have listened the first time and known that this was going to happen. Oh me of little faith. Yep.
9.11.2007
Amazing Answer to Prayer through Prophesy!!
I've been giving this small group leadership position up to God, going back and forth between wanting to do it, being intimidated, and getting really stoked at the idea! But I still haven't been sure, 100% if I'm supposed to do this. I still don't know for sure if it's going to work out, but I think I need to try to make it work now.
We had senior lounge tonight, where seniors break off into a separate room and eat (Chinese tonight) food and a separate speaker comes to give a special message. I've never met, nor seen this guy before, but he's amazing--Kevin something or other. Anyway, he gave a message about David and Bathsheba and how David should have been at war and fighting a battle instead of at home twidling his thumbs, letting the other guys take care of it, and getting led into temptation. I applied this to my experiences lately. I feel like I could easily sit back at home Thursday nights and not lead a small group, I would have y Sunday night mandatory monthly leadership meeting freed up, not to mention the hours spent on follow up phone calls, preparation for messages, and separate meetings with the adult leader every week. I could let someone else fight this small group leadership battle. Easily. But that would leave me vulnerable to temptation, a lack of accountability, which I so desire and need as well.
Kevin's message was short and sweet, but then he just kind of stopped. Started looking around the small room with about 40ish seniors packing rows of chairs. He stopped at a guy with a red shirt on and started prophesying over him, telling him he'd dream dreams and get visions in his sleep. He started talking again, but stopped again and finally came to me. I was the second or third one, out of only four, to be prophesied over. He said he felt like I was going through something in College. Don't know where I'm going, am kind of confused. But God will use mentors and elders in the church to help guide my plans. That things will be very last minute, but seem to just fall together in the end. God works in just the right amount of time, basically, not too soon and not too late. Also, that I would be a light in this place, that God would fill my mouth with words, and when I open it, I will be surprised at what comes out because they won't be mine, basically, but God's.
I think this was my confirmation for leading this small group. I think the educational setting he meant for me was actually this small group. I think this for several reasons: 1) I have been looking for an older, wise woman to lead me. When I first met Melinda Newkirk (the potential adult leader of the group), I was drawn to her and had thoughts about a mentorship in the future. I would meet with her twice a week and she is going to have to help me greatly and guide me when it comes to this small group, since I haven't done it before. 2) This is all very last minute. I am the only group who still has virtually no one set up, yet slowly, things are working out. I found an apprentice tonight, hopefully and God has seriously layed her on my heart for a while now. Each time I think about small group, she pops in my head. Over the summer I got to know her better and have grown to really love and respect her, which is perfect! Looks like God's been preparing my heart. 3) My one fear about small group is that when I open my mouth my words will not be God's, but my own...and I know my words alone are not sufficient--at all. So knowing that God will be my mouth is extremely encouraging!
Basically tonight was awesome. I'm calling John Hoffman (P.J. hah!) tomorrow to tell him I'm on board if we can get a good day, place, and Melinda is for sure willing to help a lot!
This is working out, it looks like, though there are definitely some things that need to be ironed out still.
God is amazing. And I seriously love prophesy! I want the gift of prophesy! Maybe someday :)
We had senior lounge tonight, where seniors break off into a separate room and eat (Chinese tonight) food and a separate speaker comes to give a special message. I've never met, nor seen this guy before, but he's amazing--Kevin something or other. Anyway, he gave a message about David and Bathsheba and how David should have been at war and fighting a battle instead of at home twidling his thumbs, letting the other guys take care of it, and getting led into temptation. I applied this to my experiences lately. I feel like I could easily sit back at home Thursday nights and not lead a small group, I would have y Sunday night mandatory monthly leadership meeting freed up, not to mention the hours spent on follow up phone calls, preparation for messages, and separate meetings with the adult leader every week. I could let someone else fight this small group leadership battle. Easily. But that would leave me vulnerable to temptation, a lack of accountability, which I so desire and need as well.
Kevin's message was short and sweet, but then he just kind of stopped. Started looking around the small room with about 40ish seniors packing rows of chairs. He stopped at a guy with a red shirt on and started prophesying over him, telling him he'd dream dreams and get visions in his sleep. He started talking again, but stopped again and finally came to me. I was the second or third one, out of only four, to be prophesied over. He said he felt like I was going through something in College. Don't know where I'm going, am kind of confused. But God will use mentors and elders in the church to help guide my plans. That things will be very last minute, but seem to just fall together in the end. God works in just the right amount of time, basically, not too soon and not too late. Also, that I would be a light in this place, that God would fill my mouth with words, and when I open it, I will be surprised at what comes out because they won't be mine, basically, but God's.
I think this was my confirmation for leading this small group. I think the educational setting he meant for me was actually this small group. I think this for several reasons: 1) I have been looking for an older, wise woman to lead me. When I first met Melinda Newkirk (the potential adult leader of the group), I was drawn to her and had thoughts about a mentorship in the future. I would meet with her twice a week and she is going to have to help me greatly and guide me when it comes to this small group, since I haven't done it before. 2) This is all very last minute. I am the only group who still has virtually no one set up, yet slowly, things are working out. I found an apprentice tonight, hopefully and God has seriously layed her on my heart for a while now. Each time I think about small group, she pops in my head. Over the summer I got to know her better and have grown to really love and respect her, which is perfect! Looks like God's been preparing my heart. 3) My one fear about small group is that when I open my mouth my words will not be God's, but my own...and I know my words alone are not sufficient--at all. So knowing that God will be my mouth is extremely encouraging!
Basically tonight was awesome. I'm calling John Hoffman (P.J. hah!) tomorrow to tell him I'm on board if we can get a good day, place, and Melinda is for sure willing to help a lot!
This is working out, it looks like, though there are definitely some things that need to be ironed out still.
God is amazing. And I seriously love prophesy! I want the gift of prophesy! Maybe someday :)
9.09.2007
Small Group
Pray for me!
I'm kind of stressed right now...which is mildly ridiculous.
The story:
Allie, Layne and I have been searching for a high school small group adult leader for months to no avail. Allie decided she feels God calling her to focus more on her Kid's Club ministry (plus school, and a job) and I don't know what Layne's story is but the point is, they aren't doing it anymore. I've never led a group before yet still feel like it may be something God wants me to do. John said Melinda Newkirk said she'd be an adult leader if need be and I need her! I don't know her well, but she's in her midforties or so and, so I've heard, is quite wise and will be able to help me out a lot...I'm intimidated, yes and do not want to go through with this if God is not going to be backing me up...if this is not a battle I'm supposed to fight I don't want to be left vulnerable and I don't want the girls in the group to suffer for it either! So please, if you think about it, pray that I would get a sense of clarity, understanding, and direction on where to go with this new leadership information. Am I really ready to take this on? Or is the devil just trying to get me not to? I don't know. I need the power of God here people--pray! hahhhh no but seriously...thanks ;)
I'm kind of stressed right now...which is mildly ridiculous.
The story:
Allie, Layne and I have been searching for a high school small group adult leader for months to no avail. Allie decided she feels God calling her to focus more on her Kid's Club ministry (plus school, and a job) and I don't know what Layne's story is but the point is, they aren't doing it anymore. I've never led a group before yet still feel like it may be something God wants me to do. John said Melinda Newkirk said she'd be an adult leader if need be and I need her! I don't know her well, but she's in her midforties or so and, so I've heard, is quite wise and will be able to help me out a lot...I'm intimidated, yes and do not want to go through with this if God is not going to be backing me up...if this is not a battle I'm supposed to fight I don't want to be left vulnerable and I don't want the girls in the group to suffer for it either! So please, if you think about it, pray that I would get a sense of clarity, understanding, and direction on where to go with this new leadership information. Am I really ready to take this on? Or is the devil just trying to get me not to? I don't know. I need the power of God here people--pray! hahhhh no but seriously...thanks ;)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
