Halloween

We had our big pot-luck type Halloween gig tonight in the cul-de-sac and it was fun, as always. I really treasure the times when we all just come together, our own little community, and have dinner, share stories, and just chill. I'm not a big party girl, I enjoy the little, yes, boring, things of life. Parties and crowds make me anxious. So I stay home with a slew of kids under 12 years old and am comfortable and happy :)
Kayla and Amanda came over for a bit tonight. We ate, made brownies, talked, and hung out. Probably not the best time ever for them, but I had a really great night. I love where I live. Even if it's not in the mountains on a lake.
Here are some pictures!





I decided to dress up as myself this year--wearing my own clothes, I threw together a hippie-ish outfit in all of five minutes. It was swell :) Connor wore my old shirt I made for peace-week last year because he didn't know what to be either. He was a good hippie I think.
Jan Stork came up to me and laughed and said, "Hah! I dressed like that all the time...I remember those days...well, most of them." She is hilarious that woman. :)

Even Here.

I have had this nagging headache for days now. My picture frames are off center behind my head right now. And that's making it worse. So, I came to bed. Turned off the lights and drank up the darkness, letting it wash this headache out of me. Yet, as so often happens, I could not stay down for long because words wriggled their way to the front of my imagination and demanded to be put to music and jotted down on the nearest piece of paper at hand. I love those times. When the Lord reveals my heart to me. Odd, to put it that way, yes. But truly I cannot tell you how I just don't feel the reality of what I'm feeling at times. I just don't think of it. I just push it back. I sweep it under the rug. Or, like a little kid, hide it under the bed, or in the closet. It's not on the surface, these thoughts, worries, burning desires. But that doesn't mean they aren't there. Writing is my release. Writing is my running. And it's amazing how He can meet me here. Even here. In this room, in the dark and wash over me, romance me. Make me feel. It's craziness.

Control

God has given me control over my life in order to give control to Him. And that is awesome. The reality that this life is not best lived for myself, but rather for Him, is beyond words.
I feel the best when I am with people in fellowship. When I am worshipping alone in my room or in a room full of Jesus praising people. Not when I am being selfish or petty or giving in to gnawing temptations. And I do see it! I do see that I am being tempted by evil only because I am good. And I am good only because I am God's. Because I have what it takes. Because I have a true hunger for more. Because God has put that in me and it is nothing of my own. Because...here we go! I am nothing! I am nothing. I have wanted to be nothing for so long. And alas I am nothing. I am a vapor, a dust; miniscule, minute. And it is all God.
So I'm letting go. I'm going to be nothing. And I'm going to let God be everything.
I am done being foolish. I am done giving in. Making up excuses because, afterall, "I am only human". No, I am nothing. But I am a spirit. And the spirit of the Living God is in me and that makes me more than a conqueror. More than human. That makes me spiritual. And equipped. Not inept. To fight this invisible and raging battle.

On a much lighter note...
my mom is making artichokes (!!) for dinner...as well as chicken and baked potatoes (and I saw a pumpkin pie in the fridge!). Oh my goodness. I haven't had artichokes in ages. I am so excited. They are sooo amazing!!

The Hitches

Simple Grace was amazing tonight. Seriously it makes me want to learn guitar even better and even sing and even sing in front of my children so they can grow up musically inclined!
I need to start breaking out of this shell and share my stuff with the world one of these days. Haha...maybe not today, or tomorrow...or the next day, for that matter. But one of these days :)
Anyway, my mom is really bugging me about the Hitches now.
Super.
Hah!

Divine Answers

I love it when you, who isn't really "you", but rather "I", I am talking about, have a question that has been turning around in the back of your brain for days and days. Maybe even months. And you just don't know the answer. Don't know if you're exaggerating, dramatizing, being unrealistic, or just plumb crazy for wondering or not knowing or thinking the answer is this one day and that the next. And of course you can't ask anyone because that's just strange and uncomfortable and we all know we like to be in control of our comfort bubble's temperature level. So we go on. Wondering. Asking our minds over and over again and our minds answer on repeat this and then that. But you walk into church Sunday morning, unexpecting. And it hits you like a ton of bricks. The answer spoken right out of the mouth of the Lord's messenger. And you know. And you almost missed it. And that's scary. And do you really want to hear it after all? I would hope you would. I would hope I would. Want to finally hear the truth.
Ya hear?
Naw, probably not.
Because sometimes I just can't say a darn thing straight.
Good thing for the Lord's grace.

Speaking of grace...Simple Grace plays tonight and I have to say I'm excited. It's folk music. And it's...amazing.
Good day.

LJ

I've spent the last hour going through old livejournal posts and remembering how I used to be and how...different that is and where I've gone and who I've become and if I've either strayed too far from my roots or just evolved. Into someone else. But into who I'm supposed to be. Or, moreso at least. It brings back so many memories. Tucked neatly into a box in my memory....
I was wretched.

And yet, these will be the basis for something someday.
-----------------
I am...so torn.
like...
wrapping paper on a gift.
There's a good thing on the inside.
True,
but there's a good thing on the outside too.
And it has to be ruined,
to get to the better thing.
Or, atleast,
it's a risk you have to take...
you can only hope the inside is better than the outside
when you're tearing apart and destroying the wrapping--the BOX.
Which has kept the gift so comfortable and safe for a long time.

Oh my life as a metaphorical gift--divine. 11/26/06
----------------------

Deadbolt Mind 9/02/06


Her mind is a room

She can not escape,

With thoughts and feelings

Written on page after page.



The floors are piled mile high,

With words and phrases of

Life’s multiple stages,

Vivid dreams and obscure hazes.



But the door is locked,

She won’t let anyone in

Despite relentless knocks

No one enters; neither kith nor kin.



Fending off translucence with

A deadbolt here and a lock there,

What they think she’s hiding,

She concedes not to care.



Yet, it’s the dark closet that worries her,

Can’t let anyone close enough to see

All the dirty and soiled accounts

Of heart ache, pain, and silent necessities.



No, she is not flawless.

Why must they otherwise assume?

Why do they wonder

She won’t let them in the seclusion of her room?
----------------
We use words as sheilds
covering with comedy
the things we can't explain.
We use laughter to lighten
to sweeten
and brighten
situations that merit dismay. 8/26/06
-------------------------------
i always want

desire

what i don't have

currently.

if it weren't this.

it would be that.

when it was that

it wasn't this.

but this

just

won't

go

away.


I would like very much
to be able to move any which way I please
and not worry about visibility.

8/05/06.
-----------------------
I do not want to write about purity.
I don't.
There are books out there.
Go buy them.
I want to write about self image.
What I do want to write about
is the one thing I can not possibly.
Not yet.
Because I would be one big fat hypocrite.
No pun entirely intended.

Take me to a place where I can be
Free of flesh and twirl and sing
Take me to a place where I can be
That feeling people long for...
That thing called Happy?

08/05/06

Friar

So, since all the stress and happenings of this week are over, I am forced to get back into the mindset of school and remembering all that I have to do. I have two long term projects to think about. I worked on both for a little bit today, and spent a lot of time drawing a picture for my english project. But honestly, I felt really awful today. A headache all day long that started last night. I woke up around 12:00pm this...afternoon. And, after suffering through the headache for a few hours, decided to go back to bed around 2:00. I woke up around 4:00...turned on a lifetime movie (lame, I know) and started to draw.

So, for our chaucer's canterbury tales project, Amanda, Kayla, and I are doing The Summoner's Tale....which is actually about a Friar. This is one drawing I did for it:

Tell me what you think is going on in this...odd...picture :) ahaha

Frustrated

I'm bored.
I sit.
I eat.
I feel bad.
I need out.

I draw.
"It scares me".
"I know."

Go to the gym.
Can't.
Air's bad.
They say not to.
She says no.
I groan.
Do this.
The end.

Not really though.

What am I going to doooo.

Day

I had an awful one yesterday.

And I wish I wrote as poetically as I used to.

Unfortunately, my poetic side is usually accompanied by some sort of manic state of mind :)

But at least then I feel like I am feeling. In an odd way...if that makes sense.

I have a long list of phone calls to make now.

Julian

The thing that makes me so sad about this whole fire ordeal is the land being burned. I'm selfish. I like the trees. I was so excited that they were going to begin to change color soon and the hills would be bursting with color. Now, I don't know if there are so many left. I care about people too...don't get me wrong. But things like hiking through random hills...I will miss. Hopefully it's not destroyed too much. But how can I know unless I go out and see for myself.

Last Saturday my family and I went to the Julian area...stopped at Dudley's backery and bought soooo many loaves of bread! But the awesome part was seeing a group of wild turkeys. There must have been about 20 of them! So we drove past, found an area to turn around, and the chase was on. I had my camera with me and I was determined to get me a picture of some wild turkey!

They run faster than you'd think.

I got a little winded running up that hill...but it was so worth it. And so fun! Although I never got my perfect shot of wild turkey running crazy toward me. It was alright.

Firestorm: The Witch Fire

Southern California is now on fire...again. It's dejavu. I love the mountains--my heart is in the mountains; now I look toward mine and wonder if it'll bring disaster in the coming days. Earlier there were about 8 fires burning, none contained. The Santa Ana winds are blowing them, giving life to the flames. Hot and insidiously the fire is burning away life as many people know it. All of us are glued to our televisions. Wondering who's next...? What town is on the fire's hit list? None of the people who's homes are destroyed tonight and right in the fire's line of distruction thought they would be. No one thought their house would be gone tonight.
For some reason I thought if I just took a nap, I would wake up and this would all be over. We would be able to claim that the media overexaggerated circumstances. Yet how can anyone deny that long, ongoing list of addresses, letting families know they had no home to go back to. Just a charred piece of black land.
As I slept I heard the wind, roaring. The wind that I love in all it's freedom--yet hate today, the catalyst. My mom came into my room about a half hour ago and gave me a heads up. Andrea called, her husband is working the fire and called home to tell her the firestation is talking about Rattlesnake mountain as a possible candidate for evacuation in the coming day. I haven't been as nervous during this fire as I was during the Cedar fire. We talked a bit about evacuation last time. But last time I didn't follow the blaze on the news and see all these people who had been in my shoes....kind of worried, but never thought the fire would reach their house. The wind is constantly changing and last night the winds picked up over night. I don't even know what I would bring...I have so many little things. Important things...my life stories.....pages after pages of rough drafts of poems and stories and...that's not even necessary, afterall. It would kill me to lose it all.
My heart is burning. And it looks like it's going to be a long road ahead...

I Wonder How Long I'll Love You...

I was sitting in bed a few nights ago feeling full of life. Just that overwhelming feeling of Love for the Lord. Appreciation, longing, desire, and love for Jesus. These days come over me and sometimes spread into weeks where I am just lost in his beauty, in awe of his greatness and grace. Yet I sat in bed wondering when it would stop. When the great high feeling of being so in love would dissipate. Evaporate. Cease in it's fullness and satiety. The next night I was hit with a migraine and emotionally attacked. Today my migraine lingers and I've lost the overwhelming love all-together. Today I'm stuck on myself and my own problems.
Why did the feeling go away? Was it when I realized it would? Did I subconsciously push the Holy Spirit out...in doubt; thus becoming vulnerable to attack. Oh, me...me of little faith. Holding on by my fingers, but in doing so, getting dragged along by a vehicle destined for great things. If I could only stop this teetering inbetween. If I could just fully grasp on, jump on the bandwagon and leave everything else behind. Then wouldn't I be fully on the highway to heaven, instead of half myself on the highway to hell. Figurately. The Lord's grace is amazing. And it will save me yet.

I had this vision during leadership retreat. It was Jesus in white robes and taking up my entire vision...and little me standing there. He was saying something like "cling to me" and I did. I couldn't see him in his entirety because he was so large and I was so small. I could only cling to a small portion of him...my physical surface area only matched about a 100th of His. And I got this sense that I didn't have to grasp or understand him fully, but he could understand me as he fully enveloped me in shining white. I often think about this. He's the only one who knows me fully. Maybe sometimes that's scary.

Prayer Meetings

So my school has only 34 or so kids in the senior class and senior class meets before junior class, from 9:30-12:20 in the morning/afternoon. We all have random classes at random other times of the day, except for Friday. So we chose Friday as a day when a group of about 6 of us would regularly meet at 9:00 to support, strengthen and build eachother, as well as our entire school, and Grossmont College, through prayer. We don't have a Christian club at our school, but we only have thirty students. I mean, yeah, we could pull it off...maybe we could get there at 8:30am instead and spend 15 minutes on a message and 15 minutes maybe even worshipping...someone (even me) could easily bring a guitar. Who knows, maybe it could happen. But the point of this post was to document a possibly great thing as a result of us meeting this morning. A kid in our class, who we'll call Stan...haha, is kind of...different. He has very strong opinions about things and, to my knowledge, is either atheist or agnostic. I think he told us once, but I forgot. At any rate, he walked up to us before we started praying this morning and we were all just chatting. But then I was like "...Hey, let's start praying! Does anyone have anything they need prayer for?" Stan starts to get up and says "I see, kick out the nonreligious kid" but I was like..."wait no way, you can totally stay! It's open to any and everyone!" He was hesitant and said "I'm not into the whole praying thing...I don't like it, never really tried it either" or something like that. Tyler, one of the regulars, was like, "Well, you might not want to come to class then...because I'm not gonna lie, I pray all the time in there" Stick it to the man Tyler! Stan sat down and was like..."Good point, I guess I'll stay." So he did. And he even gave a prayer request, for his cousin, Tenessa (I think) who's Grandma (a mother-figure) just passed away. It was awesome to at least indirectly lift him up and thank Jesus Stan came. I really think this kid is just searching for some kind of self validation, someone to look at him and think he's worth it, has a purpose. Basic self-discovery stuff that will really help him if he starts turning to God. So lift him up if you think about it...but his name's not Stan. But God knows that haha!

God is Faithful

I just got home from the high school small group I'm leading and it was amazing!
I have never given a message before to people my own age. I used to really be afraid to speak up, to talk to peers at all. Last year I grew a ton and completely came out of my shell. Tonight I was sooo nervous. I prepared this message that I just wasn't sure about (the notes are in the post below..."What Does God Think About Your Feet?"). I didn't know if it was too remedial or if the metaphor would go right over the girl's heads. I had no clue! But the verse I based it off of had really jumped out at me...as Allie reminded me tonight "The Word of God is alive...and sometimes it's freaking scary" (hah!). In other words, I knew it was a topic I needed to speak about, an idea I needed to convey...clearly! But that was the problem, I didn't know if I would be able to. But I think I did...and I wasn't even nervous.
My whole stress about leading this group is based upon whether or not I would be able to effectively give messages. I'm not perfect...I'll grow and need to, but God is faithful! He told me to do this group and I did not really want to. I did not initially have a passion for the girls, but doors opened and prophesies were given. I obeyed...and yeah, I had little faith...but I did have some. I went in trusting, knowing I had to be there for a reason.
After tonight I can really see this thing working out and I can really see myself learning more and more to let God speak to and through me, using this small group as an avenue. I'm thankful and really glad I'm doing this. God is good :)

What Does God Think About Your Feet?

My first high school group message notes...

What Does God Think About Your Feet?
October 11, 2007


Q: What do you think about your feet…do you like your feet? Do they gross you out? What do your feet look like…do you have a pedicure, or are your feet dirty?
Q: Do you like to have dirty feet? Or is it uncomfortable?
Romans 10:15: Background: Paul is talking, basically, about people going out and preaching to unbelievers so they can go out, as well, and spread the news.
15And how can they preach unless they are sent? As it is written, "How beautiful are the feet of those who bring good news!"[a]
I was reading through my devotions and found this verse and was immediately taken aback: Feet are not beautiful. For starters, they are dirty, gross, and just funny looking. I loved the thought of this oxymoron though...so, I looked up another verse…
Isaiah 52:7:
7 How beautiful on the mountains
are the feet of those who bring good news,
who proclaim peace,
who bring good tidings,
who proclaim salvation,
who say to Zion,
"Your God reigns!"
-How do you get up a mountain? You walk, hike, run. In those days it was a long journey. Has anyone been hiking up a mountain? You get dirty, sweat soaked socks…and
Men and women’s feet from biblical times were even worse…sandals, dirt roads; probably blisters and cuts. To spread the word of God people had to walk miles and miles on dusty roads, not always having the luxury of washing their feet.
--yet this was beautiful to God.
--to our standards, dirty, worn out and hard worked feet are not beautiful. But that’s a wordly mindset.
Today we don’t really like to get dirty, we go to the spa, get a manicure and pedicure, etc.
We like to be comfortable and clean…but God calls us to be uncomfortable, to get a little dirty.
Being a Christian means we are called to “bring [The] good news” to people…that means we’ve entered a fight, a battle.
(Eph 6:12 NLT) “12 For we[a] are not fighting against flesh-and-blood enemies, but against evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against mighty powers in this dark world, and against evil spirits in the heavenly places.”
--Battle of good versus evil, God’s kingdom versus Satan’s…
For this reason, following God’s will isn’t always pretty…it’s hard. Going and helping out the homeless isn’t always clean, tidy, and sheltered like church can be. Going on a missions trip to a place like Africa or Ecuador isn’t exactly clean. But it’s these things that are beautiful to God.
Now these messengers who decided to go out and preach the news on long journeys by foot in sandals didn’t have baby feet like ours. Their feet were worn in, callused, tough and rough to the touch from years and years of walking in sandaled feet. Their feet were trained for the hard work they were going to do. So I’m not saying that all of you have to go out and do something dirty like go chill with the homeless or take the next flight to the African planes. No, you’re in the process of toughening up your feet. If you go out there before you’re prepared, you’ll hurt yourself.
But, with every step you take you make a difference.
Proverbs 6:18 says:
16 There are six things the LORD hates,
seven that are detestable to him:
17 haughty eyes,
a lying tongue,
hands that shed innocent blood,
18 a heart that devises wicked schemes,
feet that are quick to rush into evil,
Wait, but I thought God loves feet? Thinks they are beautiful…? Well, God can hate your feet if they are running into the devil’s arms instead of His.
So, it’s where you go, what you do
When you use your feet are you going somewhere that blesses God or are you running to gossip with your friends, drink, smoke, do something illegal, or do something you know is wrong?
And if you’re tempted to do something wrong, to take that step away from God, look at your feet. How often, when someone is asking us to do something we know is wrong, do we look down—at our feet…it’s like a reflex. So let your feet be a reminder
Does God think your feet are beautiful or ugly?
Hopefully you’ll lead a life that is glorifying to God in all you do and your feet will be beautiful wherever you go.

Love

We have to write a sonnet for english...unrequited and undying love. I write constantly. But not about love anymore. I'd turned that tap off long ago and the juices just don't flow that way anymore.
As I'm having to tap back into it, I'm digging up all these past feelings and it hurts a bit. It makes me think that perhaps I'm so anti-relationships because turning it off means not getting hurt. Turning it off means no pain, no disappointments. No unrequited love. On one hand my mind knows that love at this age, whereas graspable I'm sure, is just not realistic and intelligent to seek after at all. It doesn't make sense for the now. But another facet may well be that I am truly holding back because I fear it as well. I want to be strong and leaning on someone else is not? I'm confused; and yes, love scares me.

Not-so Silent Whispers

I talk to myself constantly. I've been noticing it. I won't be able to tell you when I'm doing it, I just do it, and I never realize it. And you know what? It's always about important subjects that need to not be said. One of these days I'm going to be all figured out because someone will be standing behind me and I'll be whispering things to myself not-so-silently and completely unaware. Maybe it's my subconscience begging for someone to dig a little deeper. Maybe it's lunacy. At any rate, I'm a better writer when I'm insaneee.
So, as not to tarry on the subject too much longer, The Point: I just caught myself doing it. Whispering aloud, with my door open (literally and perhaps metaphorically), and with people in the house.
So I'm writing about it...wondering if I'm losing my mind--again.
I loathe regression. Sometimes I can understand the necessity, for growth purposes. But other times...it's just the devil's work.

I have to go clean something.