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I always feel like the biggest joke. Like I say stupid things that mean things to me but just roll off other people like immature water globules. a;ksdjaksljd It's not right to keep everything in and not say anything but I'm too much when I say not even everything.
I don't even know what I'm saying anymore.
And it's only 10:19pm.
Usuall delirium doesn't hit till at least 12:30am. hah

Daddy, Daddy

I just realized something that has been brimming on the edge of my mind for months, maybe years, and effects the way I view things (what a vague word.)...
I never called my dad "Daddy".
Actually...I did. But he told me not to. Or at least that's how I took it.
"Why do you say that? You sound like a little girl."

Conflicted

I feel like I haven't been true to myself lately. I haven't let myself release anything tangible into the world in too long. I feel so bottled up and yet so dry at the same time. I need to paint or write something sweetly profound and sing. I haven't taken a meaningful picture in weeks, months? And yet now I feel like I don't have time. I feel like my creativity is disintegrating. And I'm not even trying to hold onto it. Maybe it was fake to begin with. Maybe it's just a life, theoretically I'd like to live. But when it comes down to it, I can't ever pull it off right. I can't ever be a creative mind, enough.
I'm staring at this cup I painted on my desk and it is empty. Shiny, but empty. Hmm.

Water

Once again God is faithful. He meets me when I try just a little bit. Even when I come with doubt in my heart.
I opened up my Bible last night and wonderful stuff happened. I was so filled with peace...and the feeling that yes, God knows what I'm going through, understands, and is on my side. Good feeling to have, yeah? Same this morning. At 6am when I was almost late to class because I was vigorously taking notes, taking in everything He's had to tell me lately, been trying to tell me, and I've been pushing away, unbelieving that He...the God of the universe, would care and understand petty me.
So good.

Dry

I feel completely creatively dry. I can't even write. I have no energy to write. To think about creative things. I have no motivation to pick up a pen and write when I'm sitting on the patio, watching the humming birds, listening to the wind chimes, and reciting potentially intriguing sentences about said things, in my head. I think about it. But I lie back down and relax into myself and revel in my deep, slightly depressing, and disturbing thoughts and I can't write about it. Because writing about it means sorting it out. And finalizing the truth. And I'm not making sense. But holy crap. This has been an intense week. So many conversations with people and insight into friends' lives that I don't know I really wanted to know...but know I needed to. Because I do live in this world and I need to know how to manage. And how other people don't do that so well. And how I can hopefully learn without experiencing.
I'm stressed out. I'm slacking on my devotions. I know I would be less stressed if I did my devotions. If I spent more time praying. Yet I don't. Because I have no motivation. Well, some. But not a lot. So I pray and that's all and I know that it's not a one way street.
My stomach has been funny lately. Food hasn't been sitting well. There has just been so much going on. And I'm not even at home for another week. And this dog that I'm watching has decided to start hating me. Because I mean that his mom and dad are gone. To him, I abduct his parents. So he gives me lots of presents. Except not the good kind. Just little surprises on the carpet whenever I leave and come home. Or in the morning. And he barks in the middle of the night at me. And licks my face when I'm sleeping. It's lovely.
My life seems bad from this post. But it's really not. It's exciting and different and it's not perfect. But I'm still loving it. A lot. Nothing is ever perfect. I'm not. I never have been. People aren't. Obviously.
Ayeee yi yi. I just wanted to write something, anything. To see what happened.
I'm just in a bad mood because I'm stuck here with no food that's satisfying and keep getting sick. And because I miss being able to creatively flow through life. And I miss Matt. And I miss Jesus. And I miss singing and writing songs and I sooo want my guitar right now. And my camera. And to not be stuck here with this dog that doesn't even like me right now. Maybe I'll go for a walk. Talk to God. But I forgot my walking shoes....