Consumed

[Kayla, these were my "thoughts" from class today...]

I was getting ready this morning and thinking about some conversations I'd had with people lately regarding annoyances and people who did things that were annoying. I think God has given me a greater tolerance in the past year for things that annoy me...I used to have little compassion/patience/understanding for "stupid" people who did "stupid" things. Still, smacking gum is a major pet peeve of mine! That's not the point of this post though, thankfully.
I then started thinking about myself, and how, or in which ways, I seem annoying to other people. Im not other people, so I can't answer that, obviously. But, how and when do other people annoy me? I thought of my brother, firstly. He's completely consumed with R.C. cars right now. Before that it was baseball cards, motorcycles, then skateboarding, etc. Every word out of this kids mouth has been about R.C. cars for months now. I don't care about them, yet for some reason he doesn't seem to care that I don't care! He still talks my ear off about them. Finally he got me to try one out--they're actually kind of fun and do actually take a lot of skill to drive and keep running.
Another annoyance is people, usually women, occassionally men, who are always so consumed with weight, dieting, and being thin or fit. I used to be that person--it wasn't who I wanted to be or what message I wanted to tell the world, so I've been trying really hard to stop being so obsessed by working out a lot, eating nothing, and getting too thin. I just want to be healthy. Now. Yet, while I was obsessed, I would point out every calorie in every morsel of food I'd eat--people noticed. During this time I was hanging out, mainly, with a lot of guys. I even saw my obsession rubbing off on them. Some of them became, even if just slightly, more aware of their weight and their food consumption. But only because I brought it up all the time. Annoying!
Another annoyance is when someone, especially one of my friends or cousins, is in a relationship and all they talk about is their significant other and the realllly amazing things that are going on in their relationship. Sometimes it's uplifting to hear, and it gives me a hope for the future. But sometimes it just makes me want to throw away all my convictions to not date in high school and to seriously wait until I find the guy I could really see myself marrying. After I see or hear about great relationships, sometimes I just want to go pounce on (figuratively) the first guy who pays attention to me and, in terms of ministry and Godliness, looks good on paper.
So what's my real point to this post? Well, our obsessions, what we're consumed with, rub off on the people we surround ourselves with--whether we like it or not. It's an unconscious effort. Yet, through all our obsessions with materialism, physical appearance, and the need for physical and emotional affirmation from peers, we are making idols. If we obsess over R.C. cars--it's an idol. If we obsess over dieting--it's an idol. If we obsess over relationships and can not be alone--the relationship becomes an idol. And when we idolize these things we're preaching about them to the world, to people who need to hear the real truth. We're teaching people to worship our idols when we shouldn't even have them as it is. And it's not necessarily a conscious thing. But that does not mean that it does not happen. It does!
We were created to, and should, be completely consumed and outrightly obsessed with God.
If we were to turn all our mind--instead of learning so much about R.C. cars; our strength, instead of obsessing over going to the gym; our heart, instead of giving it away to relationships that won't last, over to God and use all these aspects of ourselves to delve into and study his Word, his Laws, and not the laws of mechanics of recreational toys, the laws of dieting, or the laws of romantic chemistry--what a different life we would lead! And what a different message we would send to the world. By just being ourselves, then, we would be great witnesses to those around us, 24/7. But until we really wrap our minds around this--I know I haven't been able to fully, we will continue to rub off on our friends and family and influence them to start participating in idolatry. Our actions and obsessions, whether they're good and Godly or not so good at all, don't just effect ourselves, but others as well. And, if as a Christian, our purpose is the further the Kingdom of God, then we have some serious renovating of the heart to do. Or, atleast, I know I do.

Basically I know everyone's most likely heard all of that before--I have many times in some way or another. I know I need to be reminded of it, and was this morning as it all just came to me in a nice little package of personal experiences and testimony.

Anyway, I still really want to post about what God's been revealing to me about the role my parents play in my life and what other people's parents play in their life, if necessary. Another day...

Oh, and please comment if you disagree or would like to refute any of my ideas, beliefs, and thoughts. As I write I often think the Lord reveals more to me, but he also uses other people to help lead and explain things more effectively. So let me know!

God Bless

College Plans

Life is falling into place my friends...faster than I expected...but it's really great. As soon as I really let go of it all, God started opening doors!

I intern at Pepper Drive Elementary School, and the fifth graders (My little brother included) were going on a field trip to SDSU. To get hours, and to see another campus, I decided to tag along. My mom ended up going also, which was fun! Anyhow, going on the trip I wasn't really expecting a change of heart: I didn't want to go to SDSU. I wanted to go to a Christian college.

Well, walking through the campus I was amazed, not only do they have three Starbucks locations on campus, but it's amazing. It's tidy, up to date...just really awesome! My parents have wanted me to go there from the beginning. I've never been slightly enthused. Now I am! My mom said, "This is a campus I can see you on". In other words, she got good vibes. My dad even called half way through the tour to ask how it was going and if I liked the school. As the tour went on I kept seeing myself sitting at the numerous available places to study. They have really nice grass areas. And they have a peaceful little fountain surrounded by trees, flowers, and bushes from all over the world in a courtyard area. This place happens to be right across from the Library, which is where I'll be working. You see, my mom already has a job set up for me there! She also might have a place for me to live. And not in my own house. She has a client named Alice, who was a neighbor of Andrea Sims when she was growing up. Alice is a conservative Christain widow with a 5-6 bedroom, two bathroom house who lives right next to the college. She's never opened her house up to college students to rent rooms because, as my mom put it, she has strict ground rules, "No guests, no cussing, NO drinking. What college student does that?!" I got excited and started smiling, Me! Me! Me! Oh, here's another kicker: Alice's son is the head honcho director of the SDSU Library, which is the pictures of the white building to the left. He's the guy who hires all the student employees and Alice has already talked to him about "Sharon's daughter". Apparently there's no need for experience for people he knows will be reliable. I can be reliable. If this all pans out, wow. We'll see, I'm trying not to get my hopes up, but I'm only human...

As schooling and college is going right now at Grossont, well they're going really well. Today I picked out classes for next semester with Stephanie, the school counselor. I'm taking all transferable classes, as I'm basically done with High School except PE, so I'm taking Bio, Math, Ceramics (maybe), and yoga next semester. Then for summer school I'm taking a weight training class at Cuyamaca and an online History class. I'm really stoked! Things are looking up :) I'll have a semester under my belt when I go to SDSU which will be awesome. And now that I'm fairly certain I'll major in English no matter what, I'll be taking a lot of English courses for General Ed also, which is why the Ceramics class may change. Anyhow, that's my life these past few days.

Another ironic thing I'll write about in my post or so, is what God's been revealing to me about the importance of leadership and parents. Funny that I'm getting this when I may be getting ready to think about moving out in the next year and I've never thought that was a possibility before, really.

I want More...

Lately I've been feeling God's works in my life. This is true. I've felt doors opening and closing and wisdom seeping into my life through situations and great Godly counselors. Yet...I want more. I want to feel like I did at camp. Abandoned to His love. Experiencing the Holy Spirit so powerfully I can't think about the worries of my day, I can't speak about my short comings, I can't stand on my own two feet. I just want to feel the presence of God in a bigger way in my life.
During a song in worship tonight we were sing "Come Lord Jesus Come...Holy Spirit Come" and I was crying out, I was trying my hardest to press in, be open and not let the people in the room distract me from my time with the Lord. Then I was asking, "Lord, why are hiding from me, why are you hiding your face? Come for me, deliver me here...I know I've made mistakes, but send me your Spirit..." Then, for some reason, I felt like the wait wasn't over. God made the Israelites wait years and years under their conquerers after they "forgot" God. I realize there was a time when I forgot God, there are many times in my single days that I forget God. The wait is not over. I think I need to prove to myself, to God, that I'm for real. That I will not let the things of this world conquer me. That I will not turn to earthly relationships for affirmation, or materialism for earthly gain. I need to continue to press in, through this desert time. Though there may be only the now regular mana to eat on my journey, where I'm at and what I'm taking in, it's a miracle still. And greater things are ahead if I just keep pressing on, keep rising up. Even in the desert, I have to keep walking. And I think God is slowly making this more clear.
Better things are coming...and I'll keep pressing on...because I want so much more.

Rainy Days

Alright, so this morning was great. I don't even know why. It was just amazing. I was driving to class, in the drizzle, thinking Today I am at peace with life! Then I immediately thought about all the things I had to do when I got home: Like clean the kitchen and my room. But hey, guess what, who cares? It'll get done and the world will keep on spinning.
My day was great.

I woke up a little late, got ready, and was off to Pepper Drive to intern for Mrs. MacIntosh, my old third grade teacher who I've kept contact with throughout the years. I'm going on a trip to San Francisco to visit some colleges (which I'm honestly not entirely interested in...but still want to go hah). Mrs. MacIntosh brought me a cute little carry on bag for the plane since I don't have one. How awesome is she? But in her class there's two particular kids right now, Dylan and Matthew and I seriously can't take them! They're too stinkin cute. That's beside the point though. I did my regular routine of grading multiplication tests, and then left for chemistry in an oddly chipper mood. Then I realized I'm always like that when I leave Pepper Drive. But do I really want to pursue being a teacher? I'm still not sure.
Tonight I got home and relieved my parents from watching Connor. It's their 23 or 24th wedding anniversary so they went out to breakfast this morning, and dinner tonight. While they were out I helped Connor with a research project on the liver that's due sometime next week. He better get an A+ man. Then we went in the garage and I got some canvases down from my closet and we painted for...hours. The time flew! It was so fun :) My painting, I'm afraid to say, is just not great. I lacked the vision while beginning and, well, it's just blah. Connor's is, of course, great. He painted a bowl of peanuts. Still, I have rekindled a passion and I'm so glad :)
Really great day...and, to top it off, I got the news late last night that Mrs. DeBarrows recieved the best report possible after her surgery...praise God or what? The best report possible? Are you kidding me right now...If that's not a God thing I don't know what is!

I also rediscovered Jars of Clay...love them!

Mrs. DeBarrows

So, I don't know why I haven't posted this...perhaps I already have but I just don't think so.

Mrs. DeBarrows was my old middle school P.E. teacher. I remember when I had her for homeroom in 6th grade. I was soooo scared! The lady is intimidating to say the least. However, as time progressed I really grew to love her! She's one of those women who has this intense strong-front about her, but when you break it down and crack her tough shell and make her laugh hysterically, you feel accomplished in life! Oh, and when you mention bumblebees too. She freaks. It's great.

Anyway, during spring break I heard the unfortunate news that she was diagnosed with breast cancer. Her husband, who wasn't fully in the picture all time anyway and there's a lot more where that story comes from, died just last year. Now, she's a single mom with a daughter in college and son who's my age as well. I was so broken for her. But I've been continually praying for her to see God's love for her through all these trials.

I've also been praying a lot for Mrs. Rolf, who lost her best friend to cancer around two years ago, then helped Mrs. D through her husband's death, and now is faithfully by Mrs. DeBarrow's side through her breast cancer. What an inspiration Mrs. Rolf is though, really. How she's hanging in there and giving a lot out of herself to help her friends. I love that woman!

Anyway, today was Mrs. DeBarrow's surgery, a double mastectomy I believe. I haven't heard any word yet...but I've been praying for her at random times throughout my day and I can't wait to hear the news that she's okay and they got all the cancer. She'll be back full swing soon enough. Just in time for my brother to enter middle school :) A little tough love to keep that kid in line wouldn't do a bit of harm haha. At any rate, keep Mrs. DeBarrows in your prayers if you know her or just feel led to. She's an amazing woman and I have faith the Lord is being her Rock and softening her heart even more through this...I'm praying for that at least.

Higher Ground and Relationships

Alright, so I did it! I gave my testimony at Higher Ground and, well, I was probably less than eloquent, but it happens to the best of them and for my first time speaking it was alright. I based what I had to say on Matthew 7:7, "Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you", which has kind of been the theme of my life lately. Basically I told the group that I haven't done anything awful in my life...the Lord didn't save me from drugs and alcohol but he's showed me a lot of things in my short little life. When I was at El Cajon Weslyan, after a while, I was feeling like I was just going to church because my parents went there. I didn't feel "the Spirit" as one of the cutest little girls said today. Plus I didn't have any friends to hold me up or encourage me at ECWC. So there I was asking the Lord to strengthen my relationship with him, to give me great Godly friends, and to bless me gosh darn it. But I wasn't seeking him. I wasn't reading my Bible. I even stopped going to church for a while. And when I was asking, I wasn't believing he would do it. Then, slightly randomly, I visited Foothills one night and met one of my now best friends, Allie Hansen. The moment I stepped out in faith, by myself, got out of my comfort zone, and started seeking, the Lord worked. It was amazing. And it still never ceases to amaze me.

Anyway, the kids had lots of questions, but still seemed kind of disappointed I hadn't dealt with alcohol, drugs, and sex. Aaron, a fellow leader, stepped in to help me there by saying not everyone has to go through those kinds of things and just because they didn't doesn't mean their testimony is any more or less than another person's. God has blessed me with not having to deal with the things the kids had expected.

Well, all in all it was a good experience and God gave me a real sense of peace while speaking to the group, which I had been praying for all day! But honestly I feel kind of like it was my initiation into the leader group. Well, it just went well and that's all.

Afterward Jenny and I finally got to ee again at Starbucks. We talked mainly about guys and relationships and how I've been feeling pressured lately to go back on my plan of not dating/being in a relationship in high school. Well, I'm not so much feeling an emotional attack. I know I'm not ready for a relationship and I know it's not God's plan right now at all. And I'm completely at peace with that. It's just it seems like outside sources are pressuring me in swarms lately and I needed some reassurance and advice on how to let people down and deal with everything. I told Jenny that I just feel like God's saying, "Yea, there's all these people who are trying to pursue you...but they don't even know you like I know you. Pursue me. I'm worth it. Be faithful to me first." I'm trying to do the best I can right now and I'm going to keep working on it despite all the obstacles.

Higher Ground

So I finally got a chance to catch my mentor, Jenny Shaw, tonight at High School group. She's been in Mexico on vacation and a missions trip for the past two weeks and then the week before that she went to see Delirious...so we haven't gotten together in a while. But it's been fine. I think God's been teaching me to lean on him in times of trouble instead of other people. People, Jenny included, are really great too. But the Lord is the Ultimate.
Anyhow, why I'm updating:
Tomorrow at Higher Ground I'm giving my testimony. All the leaders have given theirs so far and now it's my turn. Here's the catch: Jenny told me tonight. Superrr. It's my life, so it shouldn't be that difficult. But I'm not the greatest speaker at all so pray that God will speak through and for me tomorrow to reach the kids in a way I uniquely can, as I'm closer to all their age groups than any of the other leaders! Still, middle schoolers can be vicious...haha I'm nervous...this is lame. God is faithful and I know he'll guide me through it. I really just want to impact these kids. Some of them are so lost and confused and I totally remember being there! Lord just use me...

College

Yesterday I woke up at the crack of dawn (5:00am) which I haven't done for a good while now and can't say I've missed it whatsoever. Anyway, we went on a college tour to UCI(rvine) and Long Beach. I've never really been on a college campus other than Grossmont and never a university so it was quite interesting and I really didn't know what to expect. I knew I didn't want to go to either of these schools, but decided going on the all day excursion was infinitely better than sitting in class bored out of my mind. Although I could have read a book all day.
All in all I walked away from the experience basically wanting to go away to college. Not far. But if I could swing moving out and trying it on my own, I wouldn't object. Although the whole sharing a room with someone would be tricky. I'm kind of a private person who likes her space. No actually, treasures, adores, and will protect her alone-space :) . I don't know if I could handle not having a separate entity of the room shut off from all other humans. I guess I could and would learn to get over it, however.
Anyway, Irvine was great. And Kayla had fun laying on the stairs? At any rate, I loved the eclectic group of buildings that comprised the campus...it was so random and fun, with almost everything within a mile walking distance. Perfect. And they had this cute little Starbucks and people all over the place. The campus was just really nice and I enjoyed that trip a lot. Except the construction. But that's another story. The point was, for the first time I could see myself doing that. Going there and being a part of the college life. Well, except not actually Irvine. But a bigger college.

I've been thinking more and more about Azusa Pacific. They have an English program that could work for me if I wanted to change my occupational pathway to book/manuscript editing and publishing. It's close enough to home, not insanely out of my price range, and a Christian campus. I really have an itch to go check it out, be on the campus, talk to people. But, we'll see. I have faith God will point me in the direction he wants me to go and choosing a college isn't something I want to or intend to take lightly. I just don't want to fall in the trap of passivity. Where I'll just continue on at Grossmont because it's "easy" and "comfortable" and then go to SDSU for the same reasons. I want to experience things and I think I'm finally figuring that out.
I also don't want to go to school and be a teacher just because it's easy. Because there's set jobs out there and I'd know exactly where to apply right when I get out of school. Seriously, that's why I'm doing this. That's why I'm interning for all these teachers. It's easy to follow through. But I don't want easy if it's not what God has in store for me. I just want to be open to whatever! If he wants to be go to Ecuador and be a missionary teaching little kids, send me there. I just don't want to get comfortable in the wrong places.
Foothills has this book titled In Times of Trouble several volumes, actually, of people's accounts of God's miracles in their lives. On Easter Sunday they showed a video comprised of some men and women's testimonies from this book. One of the men now owns a publishing company called CSN books. As soon as I heard about it I decided I wanted to check this place out. Just the night before I'd been thinking about being a book editor and how entirely fun that would be for me. It turns out they have a location in El Cajon and Lakeside. So I think that I might really go check it out and see what I can do there. I hope this was one of God's ways of slyly opening another door in my life.

Blog Reminder: The Lord's testing of faith in my life lately that's bringing me closer to Him.

A God Thing?

I've had so many thoughts lately about God, love; what faith really is and what trusting the Lord really means. Yet, I haven't come to any solid conclusion so far. Perhaps I never really will. After the Fall, nothing's perfect after all.

Well, one thought I've been struggling through, I suppose I could sum up as "coincidence". On one hand I know God puts his hand in every aspect of our life, but even the little minute things? I suppose he knows all the little minute hairs on our head, so what circumstance, no matter how small, wouldn't come from him as well, right? But I'm not always convinced. Some things just seem to small, too petty for the Almighty God to care about, you know? However, I suppose that's a sign of lacking faith.

Anyway, I've been mulling that over for a week or so now (it's apparently become a burden, which likely means I'm being convicted...) but today I actually had a haphazard experience to do with it. It's one of those simple, unmiraculous circumstances that someone likely wouldn't even notice unless they currently carried this burden as well. Yesterday my history teacher (He will be referred to simply as Legg from now on...) gave us a homework assignmen. Now these assignments are continually mini-research papers--basically easy, yet time consuming as I do like to be as thorough as time and practicality allow. Well, I would have started in class to get it over with, but I couldn't manage to hold on to any internet connections available on my laptop. When I got home from class and walking/feeding Kayla I had this intense, raging, border-line migraine, headache and went to bed and didn't think about the assignment again till late this morning. I knew after class I had a jam packed schedule, I didn't get out till 5:15 and then I went straight to Kayla's to feed/brush her, then home for a quick bite to eat, then to church till 9:30. No time to do the assigment. On my way to class I threw up a quick prayer while driving and listening to Delirious..."Hey Lord, if you want, could you just let me have internet access in class today? It would make it a whole lot easier to get to church tonight and everything ya know...". And that was it. I wasn't really expecting anything. But there were available connections and I acutally finished the whole paper in class with plenty of time to spare and even feel good about it. I didn't even miss anything important. By the time we got to the lecture, I was done! Now my question: God thing? or the concept of coincidence?

I really need to start trusting God with the little things in life too. I know it. Everything is intertwined with the Lord. Why is that such a hard concept to truly grasp though?

Spring Break

This year, my spring break was cut short as I only had a week off versus two weeks because I'm now on the college schedule since half my classes are college classes. It's a loss in the spring time, but a two to three week gain in the winter since college gets five weeks off for Christmas--ehm I mean Winter Break.

Anyway, the beginning of my break I already told you all about: spending time with Kayla and small group girls, then Switchfoot and hanging out with Jesse (who got his wisdom teeth pulled the day before Easter...crazy kid). On Wednesday, however, I started dog sitting for my old third grade teacher's dog who's name is Kayla...we get the Kayla's confused now. Kayla lives in Santee, so I drive over there twice a day. She's the furriest, oddest, yet cutest dog I've ever dogsat before and has this quirky personality that's the best. She always seems to make me laugh, no matter how bummed I am. And boy have I been bummed this week. On Thursday night I basically renovated my room--of filth. I moved my bedside table and my bed and vacuumed every possible corner of my room. Then I went to the gym, used an elliptical and this machine for upper and lower abdominals. I'd never used it before, but man, that thing rocks...I felt it for two days afterward. Amazing I tell you. However, the next morning (Friday) I woke up and could not move my head. Seriously, the pain brought me to tears on several accounts. It's gotten a lot better and I haven't had to go to the chiropractor, but the pain is still seeming to linger. Nonetheless, despite the pain, Kayla made me happy :) haha.

Then again, despite the pain in my neck, on Friday Allie and Layne came over and stayed the night as well. None of us were that much fun, me especially because of the neck injury, but Layne and Allie because they were cranky from their fast that began "Thursday after dinner"...so basically on Good Friday. They've done this, apparently, since sixth grade. A fast from Good Friday till breakfast Easter morning. They drank a lot of apple juice. And I'm not much of a hostess...but the girl in me just wanted to bake them something already! I really just wanted to make brownies and cookies for dessert Friday night and pop some popcorn while we watched The Holiday and Fried Green Tomatoes and then waffles and bacon for breakfast...but I couldn't! So maybe this weekend. Kayla (not the dog...) is spending Friday and Saturday with us while her parents go out of town so I can feed her!!

Well, all that fun ended and Monday it was back to school. But when I came home, the lady who does mine and my mom's hair (her and her family have been family friends for a long time) was at our house with her young son, Kellen, and her husband, Brendon, and the new addition to their family who's not even a week old, Jensen. He's so adorable and I want one!! Well, I guess we'll have to wait about 10 more years...but oh well. Someday :)

It was an overall good break, with some bumps in the road, but I think they were necessary...Hope everyone else had fantastic breaks...especially Sean, who went to Europe!

Life Lately

So, I've been awful at updating lately...but I've been kind of busy. And when I haven't been busy, I've been hanging out with my family.


Spring break started. The first weekend went by so fast and jammed pack with friends and things to do. Now there's quite a lull, but it's been a good break, a good breather and time to really put things in perspective for myself. I've been good at doing my devotions lately, taking notes, understanding the words I'm reading...but I've still felt convicted...like I wasn't giving God my all. I wasn't personalizing what I was reading, like a love letter to me. So, I'm working on that. Giving myself even more time to digest and soak in the Word.


Anyway...last Friday I had small group, then took Nicole and Kayla home and ended up staying the night at Kayla's. We watched Pride and Prejudice, which was pretty good. In the morning I got a call from Jesse Peterson asking if I wanted to go see Switchfoot and Copeland at Soma with him--he had two tickets and associated me with Switchfoot. Right on, free tickets. So I drove him and me to Soma and we didn't even get lost...it was all good. We'd been saying we were going to hang out for months, so throw Switchfoot in and I was sold. Funny story though. We met up with his older brother, Dustin (in the band Sever Your Ties) and Dustin's girlfriend, Jessica (who used to work in the hair salon my mom still works in...small world!!). All of us decided not to wait in the insanely long line to get in the door, but to just come back at 8:00 when the show really started. We went to three fast food places so Dustin could get the kind of shake he wanted and Jess could get her favorite shake too. Jesse and I had gone to In-N-Out and still had our cups, so Dustin decided to play a trick on one of the guys at Carl's Jr. After we'd paid he says, "Hey man, can I get you to do me a huge favor? Can you just put a little 7Up in this cup...my brother back there's got this condition where he needs sugar. Could you just fill it up a little bit." The guy just laughs, then kinda gets frustrated. But he threw the In-N-Out cup away and gave us a full small soda. None of us even wanted the soda and all of us felt bad he actually did it. Not a minute later, we're pulling out of the drive through and something under Dustin's car hood explodes and it's steaming and everyone jumps out and let me tell ya, it's intense. We push the car, actually Jesse and Jessica pushed and I held the stolen soda, under a parking lot light and don't know what the deal is. So Dustin said we could start walking back to Soma, so we did. Though I was freaked out because it's not a great area by any means. We made it fine though, and had a great time once we got there.