Dream Person

Random thought:
Do you ever have dreams with random people in them and you've never met them or came across them before, to your knowledge? Do you ever wonder if those people really exist out there somewhere in the world? Perhaps not their character or personality or mannerisms, but their bodies? That somewhere in this vast world they are walking about...not only in your dreamland, but in reality as well?

I suppose I will likely never know.

On another note, I just spent the last two days with amazing people. Tommy, Jesse, Allie, and James came over last night and we sat by a fire pit in my front yard, guitar-ed, guitar hero-ed, played cards, and ate food. Then today I went to church with Tommy and then met up with James and Allie at James' house...then we went shopping for about 4 hours...probably more. We're hardcore. No, James is hardcore. Finally we went back to James', put in Phantom of the Opera...then James and I got bored, so we put it Friends and played cards. Theeen Sharon made dinner and man she packed my plate full and I could not even begin to finish it. That was funny. She yelled at me to sit back and finish my plate and flustered, I started to sit back down and she just started cracccking up and saying just kiddding. Yeah, good stuff. I don't care much for dinner at other people's houses for that reason :) haha. But it was a fun night....fun couple of days. And tomorrow I'm hanging with Allie and James again since it's New Year's Eve and then camp!! Rad...it's going to be so cold in Big Bear :)

Not Good Enough

Here are my feelings, without the blatant whining.

Sometimes I just don’t feel
Good enough
There are so many other better
Writers and singers out there
And I just don’t feel like people really care
What I have in my heart

But I know
You put Your words inside of me
To sing and present to the world
Even when I can’t see
That people really are receiving
Pieces of You, through me

I will go on
With your plan for now
Though I don’t know
What the future holds
And I can’t see
Beyond these four constraining walls

And, I’ll find my confidence
In the faith I place
In Your words when you say
Your plans for me are good

So I’ll wait
For your blessing to fall
So I’ll wait
To see what your promises will bring
When I sing
Despite it all.

Stand up Straight

My family and I were at the neighbor's house all day learning how to make tamales. It was a lot of fun. But their family is completely different than ours. They kept downing the beers and pouring glasses of wine and cussing like sailors. It was all great fun though....and hilarious. Maybe that's bad to say. But whatever :)
Marion's sister, "Tia" I don't know her real name, actually...was a bit...well, drunk all night and kept talking and talking about random things and some relevant things. But she kept talking about posture, and standing up straight, and putting your shoulders back, and sucking in your stomach (That's why we have stomach muscles after all...) and yada yada. She came up to me once while I had my head on my mom's shoulder, just relaxing, and hit me on the back and said...."Are you slouching?" And stood me upright and said, "Raise your chin, your chin, suck it in, that's why we have stomach muscle, up straight up straight," and I just looked at her like she was crazy. Then I slouched on purpose. Yes, to tick her off. haha. Anyway, the point was...we weren't out. We were in. We were hanging out at Marion's house like we do all the time...chilling out, watching TV, relaxing and enjoying eachother. We were dressed to impress...infact I don't think anyone was there to impress anyone else. Except perhaps Tia. It aggrivated me that when we were supposed to be relaxing, we couldn't even do that...according to Tia. We had to continually stand up straight, continually suck it in, hold our heads high. Why?
So I came home a few minutes later to make cookies for Sean (Marion's husband)...because he wanted some and I was thinking over this whole situation and a song came out instead of real solid thoughts.

Mess

Stand up straight
Suck it in real tight
Watch your life being taken right before your eyes
Because this person isn't really you anymore

With your forced body frame
And your plastered on smile
You can't ever relax
Not even for just a little while

But is it worth it?
Sucking in the real you
Because

Who do you have to prove it to
Who do you have to impress
Who do you have to convince
That you're not a complete mess?

And I'm sorry to digress
But I have news for you my friend
Something you may not like to accept
But Jesus loves your mess

So who do you have to prove it to
Who do you have to impress
If Jesus loves your mess?

You don't have to be glamorous
Don't have to have sparkles and glitter
And flashes of silver and gold
For him to want to hold you
A precious mess in his big strong hands

You know how they sometimes say
One man's trash is another man's treasure
Well, Jesus he sees you as treasure everyday
So don't throw it all away
For weak thin plastic things
That will fade away and break

'Cos you can't keep this up forever
Peel the plastic off your life
And move in freedom
Dancing in broad daylight

Because
Who do you have to prove it to
Who do you have to impress
Who do you have to convince that you're not a complete mess

Who do you have to prove it to
Who do you have to impress
If Jesus really loves your mess?



I guess it's probably not original...but it does seem I always get words about just being yourself, myself, because that's who God created us all to be...and he loves us that way. Not the world's way with rigid restrictions on how things ought to be. Malarky.

My Music

Is posted on Myspace...at www.myspace.com/cdayband
if anyone is interested...
I'll warn you, the sound is really really low, so you'll have to turn up the volume quite a bit, most likely.
And probably be in a really quiet place.
And I can't edit the songs at all...so there are definite mess ups :)

The Ballad of a Blessed Old Man

This was nearly a year ago...and completely random.



The Ballad of a Blessed Old Man

Well I used to know an old man
Named Moe
And he sailed down the river
In an old row boat

And I know I know I know
He’s just so Old
But he ain’t grown cold.

He used to talk to Jesus
In his head or out loud
But he’s the happiest fellow I ever did know
And sometimes I just wish I could be

And I know I know I know

He’s just so Old

But he ain’t grown cold.

Oh Moe,
He’s got his river and his Jesus
And he seems so free
But Oh No,
Moe, What does this mean

If I don’t have a river of life
Running through me…?

Will you let me take a ride
For a while
in your Life boat?


3/24/07

The Beginning of Music

I didn't do anything today besides find old poems or songs I'd written and record them with my guitar and this old microphone I found and plugged into my laptop. I didn't do any studying (though my college finals are all through and high school finals don't start till Monday). I went to church, too...and I can't help but wonder.
I've always loved to write lyrics and poems. I've been in love with music for a few solid years now. I never thought I would switch schools and go to college a year and a half early with people I didn't know at all. I never thought I would lead a high school small group and give lessons just fine. I never thought I'd be able to speak, to meet new people. Now, I never think I'll be able to sing or share my thoughts with the world via songs...but who says it's impossible? If I would have stuck to my belief that it was impossible for me to leave high school early, I wouldn't be where I am today. If I would have stuck to my belief that it was impossible for me to articulate biblical principles to folks my own age, I wouldn't be leading a small group. If I would have stuck to my belief that I would never be able to meet new people and introduce myself to strangers, I never would have met the best friends I have today. So why ought I stick to this belief that it's impossible for me to sing and play my guitar and share my messages through songs? It's not impossible. Well, it is. It has been because for years I have been so reserved and won't sing or play infront of anyone. Perhaps it's time to just let the Lord use me, even here. I suppose he can use me in any way...if I just let myself be open to it...and so very vulnerable. Which scares the living daylights out of me. My songs and poems are my heart laid bare. This is terrifying!
There is alsoalways that little looming possibility that I could just entirely suck at singing and no one would tell me....blast. :P
~cday

Black Cat

I found this poem that doesn't have a title or a date...but I know what it's about and I know when I wrote it. And I like it. I don't know why. I just put the first part, because it's my favorite...from here on you could tell I was losing what, if your opinion merits any, passion I had to begin with. Hah...here you are :) Remember this?

You're talking about the weather
And I'm closing the windows up
Sipping green tea
From a round gold cup
Warm going down,
Unlike the frigid wind's sound
And
There's a black cat on the cold dark cement
Illuminated by the street lights
And the fireflies,
That should be in hiding
For winter's come and's now residing--
But they're in my stomach now
and coming out my mouth
The words fall out the window
And the black cat just meows.

Lyrical Legos

I played with Legos yesterday.
It felt good…
Reminiscent of childhood…
Doing things, physically, not just abstractly.
But really getting in there, touching pieces,
And making things.
So much of what I do is not solid.
So much of what I make cannot be touched.
Thoughts remain unreachable.
Words are but an essence…not physical.
Lyrics float on invisible lines in the air…
I wish I could touch them.
I wish I could form my hands around them and hold them and caress them and put them in their rightful place…
That thought means this word there, not here. And this melody here, not there.
But it’s all in the air…
A breeze, a spirit, a vapor, a wind.
Intangible.

Book

One day, I will write a book, and blow everyone's socks off...and it will be the most scary thing I will have ever done, and yet I will feel so free.
Everything will be an open book; my life.

Out of the Mainstream Beauty

I want to take
Photographs
Of life’s great schemes
Toss them around in a big wooden bowl
With salad dressing the taste of beauty

Would you come with me
On this out of the mainstream
Journey
To forever

We can write everything down
The odd little sounds
The door makes on our way out
The sound of the morning dew on the grass
And the last sip of coffee that will just have to last

Along our journey
To forever

Would you come with me
On this out of the mainstream
Journey
To far beyond
What the eye can perceive
in a glimpse of grotesque reality

We can take notes
On the palates of our hearts
To keep for eternity
And share with the souls
Intertwined with freedom
As we are

Along our journey
To forever
And so much more.

-----------

All I've wanted to do lately is sit and write. Or draw. But mostly write. And sing and play guitar.

This poem came from the thinking that people don't see beauty. It's everywhere...life is a never ending process of beauty. You don't have to travel over seas to see something exquisite. Use your imagination--don't just walk by life not realizing that you are held captive, in this vast universe, by beautiful things all day--you are intertwined with it, whether you like it or not, and yet you are free to see it whenever you please. The ugly things can be beautiful. Something so simple can be poetic and come alive!--as long as you don't write it off as artistically dead to begin with.

Sometimes I wish people saw life through my eyes.

Other times I know they'd think I was constantly insane.

So come on this journey with me...if you dare...to twist things a little and see them as beautiful.

The Hide-and-Seek Darkness

So I wrote this song last night, on a whim. I picked up my guitar and started picking some random stuff and words actually came out and I was able to continue picking.
I just wrote what I said, tweaking a few words here and there.
But I think it's how I feel sometimes...in those low places, where I just want to be all light-happy-and-joyous appearing but I just don't feel that way. I wish, often, that I can just pull that "good attitude" out of my pocket. Like that's what a Christian is supposed to do. I know this isn't human-nature and it's not normal to be perky and happy all the time. The Lord lets us feel down. We do go through peaks and valleys. Sometimes I feel like it's a game of hide-and-seek...the happiness, lightness, and brighness of life goes away, so we have to seek it again, and in doing so we seek the Lord.
The song is in wont of more...which will likely come eventually. Right now I'm just excited at my first "full" picking song hah! This is the gist of it:

The Hide-and-Seek Darkness

I walk through life
Wondering where to find you
Where are you hiding
How about you come and find me

With your hair the same shade as mine
And a deeper shimmer in your eye
A laugh but an echo of mine
And a bigger more sincere smile

Where can I find you
My other self in warmer hue
A spirit so divine
And entertwined with heaven's light

Come shine through
The hide and seek darkness
12/02/07

Sugar, Sugar--Russshhhh

Who knew I would be working with Jr. Highers--and enjoying it. Tonight "my" Jr. High girls group came over. We were supposed to play the game "bigger & better", while looking at the sporadic displays of lights already adorning houses in the neighborhood. We were then supposed to stay outside, light the fire pit, and I was going to give a message, then we could worship back at the church. However, God decided to be funny and made it rain. And I'm not talking a light drizzle where running around and dancing in the rain would still be a quite plausible and even enjoyable way for an 11 or 12 year old girl to spend an alotted two hours. No, this was a down-pour. A constant, yet unpredictable down-pour all day. It would stop raingin for literally two minutes, then pick up again by the time I could run across the street to borrow a single egg and run back, un-jacket-ed and get soaked, hah! The point is, I never before realized how small our house is. We have had multiple Christmas parties--with adults, who take up much more space than the 20 or so people here tonight. Yet the house immediately shrunk, honest to goodness, as these awkward young girls started flooding the doorway, not exactly sure what to do with themselves and flailing all over the place like wild monkeys on 3-week-old bananas bursting with sugar molecules. Except their sugar-bananas of choice were actually massive amounts of sugar cookies and graham crackers all heavily coated with multiple colors of frosting.

Insanity!

And yet....I wouldn't have had it any other way, really.

It amazed me :)

This is what we're here for...to not worry about how much frosting or chocolate is getting ground into the carpet. To not worry about how there's probably apple cider spilt in places we couldn't currently imagine. We're here to get these girls together, watch them in their awkward stages all the way until their blossoming fully into beautiful, mature young women of Christ, and maybe even beyond. We're here to lead them into a quiet place, teach them truths of the Word and worship our Maker.

I gave an adapted message of the "What does God think of your feet?" topic I also gave at my high school group about a month or so ago...perhaps longer. They actually calmed down and I have no idea how receptive they were. I have no clue if they got anything from it, if it made a lick of sense...but that's not of my doing or fulfillment to know, I suppose. They were, I do hope, the Lord's words and his to wriggle into the hearts of those moldable girls.

It does remind me that this is what I want to do. I do love to teach...to explain and shed light. Yet I sometimes doubt it...that it's just this idea I have and that, infact, I am no good at articulating truths at all...I suppose I will find out someday, where my road will lead. Whether it be teaching, or not.

For now, I have pictures :)

Tiana and Mariko...the red nose reindeer?

Hayley, Tiana, Mariko...decorating their sugar cookies

The crew, making graham cracker houses :)

Time to settle down and have a message....about feet. Hah

These girls truly are a blessing and tonight was crazily wonderful.

2 cups of coffee that did me no good while they were here (as I was still apparently dragging and wiped out from baking all afternoon) is now taking a grip on my system and doesn't seem to want to release me to the comfort of my bed and a deep, much desired and needed, sleep.

Perhaps in a few hours...