Hmmm.

I don't like talking.
I'm not good at it. Or opening up.
So I make sarcastic comments. And just sit there and laugh.
Or say "I don't know" because knowing means making a decision,
paying an opportunity cost.
And I'd rather someone else make that decision for me.
Because I am lazy,
and don't take on my own responsibilities.
Hmmm.
Thoughts. Ping-ponging around my coffee-ladden brain.
I don't sleep,
and I don't eat.
And neither is by choice these days.

I had a "vision" if you could call it that,
last night inbetween sleep and dreams
of sand filling up my mouth and eyes and I was
suffocating in it. Weird.
And then, tonight during worship,
I had an "unrelated" vision of a bag of sand breaking
and the sand pouring out,
no longer under pressure,
free, spilling out.
I guess it all means something to me.
And it was sand. Yellowish white.
Not dirt.
Because I'm not that dirty, right? Yeeeah, sure.
But sand is still coarse and frustrating and hard to walk in.
And I am coarse and frustrating and my walk has been hard.
God gets me, man. Even when I don't get me.
Haaaah. Life.

Lately

I can't even write here
because I don't know what to say.
I can't say.

Maybe someday. Soon? Maybe. Later? Maybe.
This is strange. So strange.

He makes me melt like a popsicle on the Fourth of July...
Darla, Little Rascals.

For the Lord is a Good God. A Weird One. But Good.

Every time the Lord gets me. I'm about to walk into something I shouldn't and he puts his hand on top of my head and gently redirects me. He's neat like that.

And I am thankful.

That He has done it again, said, Hey you, don't you know I have greater things for you than you could imagine right now? Why do you settle for just what is in front of you? Think BIG, think ME.

And what a simple thing. As simple as a simple conversation on the 4th of July. This whole roundabout can be.

Hmmmm He has plans. Plans I don't have to force into place. Sometimes they just fall. And while I don't think they're falling (or I'm falling) directly right now, who's to say, really? As is a running theme, always, Time will Tell.

In other words: We spent Independence Day with a couple of Brits. Isn't that ironic? But their accents were to die for. Hahhh

The Fergusons

My dad is doing a side job at the Ferguson's house. I've known them since I was probably just a few weeks old because they are friends of my grandparents' and attend El Cajon Wesleyan. Cathy has always been so sweet, as has John. But I have never really sat down and talked to either of them before.
My mom stopped by and I decided to tag along. And I'm really glad I did.
Cathy invited us in for iced tea. Best iced tea. I'm generally not a huge fan, really. And when she poured a tall class for me I was regretting saying I wanted some. But by the end of that glass I wanted more.
The four of us sat down at the round wooden kitchen table. We talked about my schooling, future plans, church, future quest, the youth at ECWC, my brother, the Bridge pool party, and Dorothy Robertson. I don't know how long we sat there and chatted but it seemed to fly by and I was kind of sad when we made our way out.
In the truck on the way home my mom said, She's such a sweet lady. Then, I want to be like her when I grow up.
And it's true. She's one of the sweetest ladies. I sat there listening and watching her. Because that's what I do. And what a humble, meek spirit. She makes you feel important, worthy of her time...even though the thought of time imposition never crosses your mind while in her presence. She has such a quiet, confident spirit that is so refreshing. She sat there just asking my mom and I questions. Simple, easy questions but the way she asked and the way she sat and looked at us and talked with us showed she really cared. I can't even explain it. But what a wonderful lady!
And this experience gives me hope. In the beginning of the day I was feeling slightly condemned. Just...a little more hopeless. A little more un-enough hah. But there I felt just fine. And I felt more like being a better person just by being there.
Does that make any sense? I don't know. But it was a great end of a turbulent day.

Part I

I wrote I'd say more.

Yesterday turned out quite differently than I'd planned.

Jesse and I went on a walk in the morning. He forgot his running shoes. But he brought me a nonfat 1 pump vanilla latte. The leprechaun house up the street got painted. Now it is a normal brown with maroon-ish trim and just the right amount of slate on the front. They even put up a nice little white fence. Cute.

We went home and had a conversation on the patio about public university versus Christian. He seemed to think we should all try to go to Christian college and trust the Lord for the means. I don't think I agree. Christians can be a light in a university left in the dark as well.

We talked about convictions and callings. And how I think I don't know what I think about some things. How I don't know where to draw the line when it comes to some things. If some "non-Christian" movies don't affect my beliefs, behavior, or the way people think of me (if I'm with people who are also on the same page as me) then is it that bad to watch? I understand that movies affect people more than me. That they may really be affected. But I'm not. And I know who, in my life, is, and that's how I draw the line. But biblically, when he backed it up, my retaliation was weak. But, biblically, then should every word that comes out of my mouth be praises to the Lord? I am not perfect and I walked away from these conversations packed into one sitting feeling acutely aware of this, my failings.

I'd planned to take the Kemps' daughter, Alyssa, out to Color Me Mine, but I was tired and drained and wondering. And hadn't gotten ahold of Alyssa the day before anyway. So I stayed home and then took Barbi's sergers to the sewing shop to see how much it would cost to fix them and if it was even worth it. The news didn't sound so good, but I'll find out in a few weeks.

And this is the end of Part I of my strange day.

Tea

I sat down for tea today.
It was iced.
But lovely conversation followed.
I want to be like that when I grow up.
My mom said the same thing.

More later.