Paintings and Poetry

Paintings are like poems without words. Beyond the surface they can mean so much more. Yet to most it is easier to express oneself using words and metaphors--things we can understand rather than...see and then comprehend. In black and white, often, it is easier to come to a result. I have the utmost respect and gratitude to those who use their art to convey a sense of meaning where people can see it and feel it at the same time. Using their imagination, putting themselves in the picture...painting, drawing, photograph. I wish I had more of a gifting like this. I wish I had more of a motivation to paint life, as I see it, on a blank canvas. Perhaps my view of life is currently skewed. Nonetheless...someday.

I'm Still Alive

I haven't posted in quite a while, for me, although it seems like such a short while. Funny how life passes quickly when your life is packed full of things to do and accomplish.
From Wednesday till Sunday I spent re-doing, re-painting, re-decorating, and re-furnishing my bedroom. Before that, all extra time was spent on church, school, and finding floors. I now have hard-wood-like lamenent IKEA flooring and white "decorative" closet organizers as well as a new desk...well, soon to be desk. It isn't finished. My dad and I are going to make a top for it...that doesn't make sense now. But I will post pictures of our tiresome weekend and the products of our labor later :)
Hope everyone had a swell Thanksgiving...


It feels good to be organized...in an OCD kind of way though.

Cleared Out

God is funny...I think. Or mean. I haven't decided (...joke...) .

He managed to completely clear out my day today and handled everything that I did end up having to do, quite well. Surprise, surprise at his perfect-ness.

For the past few weeks my days have been leading up to this one...and it's been stressful.

Yet today He showed me how easily all of it can be gone. How he can truly change the tides and how He can truly take care of everything. And the everything we know is just doesn't compare to what He has for us. What can mortal man do to me? Can I add a single hour to my life by worrying? Can the Lord calm the storm? Can I take refuge in Him when things are going crazy...when my emotions are up and down just as much as my hectic schedule? Of course. Praise the Lord. Seriously though. Praise Him for being able to take your plate and dump it...make it crystal clean and sparkling. Praise Him for being capable and compassionate. I have today. He works things out for good. Tis true. And it takes a climax like the last few days to make a person realize that she just has to depend on Him, that she can't do it alone...this whole lifeboat thing.

I feel like these merchants I read about in Psalms 107:23-32. They went out to sea and saw the wonderful works of the Lord...but the Lord brought about a storm at sea. Even in the midst of his beautiful work, the merchants began to be fearful, they lost courage. They didn't know what to do...but then they cried out the the Lord and he delivered them. He completely stilled the storm and the crew praised the Lord with all their hearts as the Lord lead them to their destination.

I'm in the midst of the great things God is doing in my life...his great workmanship. I'm in a great school, a fantastic opportunity with some of the best people. I'm a leader, as I have, deep down, always longed to be, just never had the courage or avenues as I do now. Yet even here, I am hounded, I am hit by storms, projects building up and ministry duties piling high...I feel like I'm sinking...I don't know what to do and I am fearful at failing. But the last two days I have been crying out to the Lord and he has helped me...erased my worries and my stress level has plummeted. It's great! And I know that this is just a part of the journey...this is a part of growth. The Lord cannot perform in his power if I don't fall short--there would be no need. And I do fall short, just by being human, and just by not having enough hands, arms, legs, ears, mouths, and hours in the day, for that matter.

He has cleared the weather and, although it is not going to always be, it's smooth sailing...for now...

Next I just pray he'll just clear out my sinuses...achoooo

-cday

Sick

I am sick today and sound like a frog. Just thought

Talk, Talk, Talk and So much Listening.

People like to talk about themselves. Or not even themselves, but their life. And what they're going through. Or what they know about someone else. Or an experience of someone else's that they just want to talk about. It's funny. People like to talk. But few take time to Listen.

I suppose it may be because I have grown up listening for so long, that I have decided I don't prefer talking too much. A good deal of the time the words that spout out of people's mouths are hypocritical, vain, or just plain stupid. I'm not trying to be mean here. Observe and you will see yourself. A woman on survivor this season (my family is addicted and when I'm home, it happens that I watch it haha) told a man who wasn't very social, a gravedigger, that if he's forced to have a conversation, to just keep asking people about themselves because people like talking about themselves. It's so true.

Sometimes I listen so much to people that I just can't formulate my own thoughts anymore. Does that ever happen to anyone else? It's like...numbness. You're listening, you can retell to the person what they've just said, but it hasn't had any time to sink in because they just keep going and going. Then they pause, want your thoughts, but you can't deliver because it's just ongoing. Consequently, they keep going because no one likes a pause to let things settle down. We all like business. We all like to fill the space with something.

There are those times that I so desire to get something in edgewise but I can't. There is no room once I come too. Sometimes I would really like people to care. Sometimes I would like to care more. All of the time I would like it to just not be about me. When I make it about me is when the problems arise.

Anyway, I have really seen this lately. How time is filled up with other people's words and little is left for mine. It doesn't matter or hurt my feelings so much because I do actually like to listen. It is possible for me to just listen. I do things like this to release. I write, I sing, I draw, I paint, I swim...and I pray.

I've been thinking about this and, as well, thinking of the reasons why it is so necessary to worship God and trying to formulate it into a way I can clearly understand it. On one hand I know why I worship the Lord, he is always faithful and always so good to me. On the other hand, he is the Lord and I have this picture of a humble Jesus in my mind that doesn't need my halfhearted praise. For real, what is man that the Lord cares for me...I'm like a breath; my days are fleeting (Psalm 144: 3-4)...I am insignificant. He doesn't need me.

Yet he does care. Though I don't deserve Him too. And I do come to him in prayer. And it is mostly petition. Lord, help me with this...Lord come touch me here. Lord be with me, strengthen me, sustain me, change me, be everything and more...to me. I ask, I vent, I pray, I petition, I talk and talk and talk and talk and talk some more to the Lord...and he never grows weary of listening. He never stops listening. Because he can listen forever. And what's more, his feelings don't get hurt. But how good does he feel when we stop. When I stop and just realize...Wow. How good are You, Lord? How amazing are You? Praise Your name Lord. You are bigger and better than anything. You are Everything. Words cannot begin to express how amazing You are! I cannot tell You enough how Great You are! But just because I can't put it into words...just because I can't say it enough...does that mean that I don't say it at all? No. That means I do all that I can to get my point across because He deserves it! Like no other.

He listens to us all day long, filling up space with talk, talk, talk. Pointless sometimes. Drama other times. Hypocritical the rest of the time. Yet he still listens, he still listens. And we talk and talk and drown Him out. The poor guy is here with us and we're talking and venting and we are not being the good Friend who let's him get a word in edgewise. We are, probably, one of the worst friends to Him because we expect Him to just listen. But he doesn't want to just listen anymore than you or I want to just listen all the time. He wants to give His thoughts too. He wants to tell us about Himself and the plans He has for us too and what's going on in His day and where we can help Him...by stepping out in faith and talking to someone, or praying for something that hasn't yet crossed our mind and won't until we stop talking for a second and listen.

Listening like this can be so hard. I realize that I can listen endlessly to a person talking, physically, to me. But listening to God...being silent and still before Him is just harder. Not filling that silence is difficult.

I don't know why I wrote this. I don't know why I've been thinking about this more lately. I think it's because I've been talking a lot to God about myself lately and not so much about the important things, like my family, friends, small group, jr. high group, etc. It's been a lot of me talking about myself and little time talking on behalf of others. So, I think I really need to change that. And it's going to start now...

-cday

Better than Any Drug

God is crazy! He's hilarious! I love how I come into his chambers with certain expectations and he blows them out of the water.


For our high school small group leadership meeting today, the healing center and prophesy team came in to pray for us. I love that. I get so anxious, anticipating what the Lord has to say to me and if he will at all. We began worshipping and the team started circulating in between us, scoping us all out and seeing where the Holy Spirit was leading them. A lady came up to me, early on, and began praying over me...I forgot her name. She prayed that the Holy Spirit would come, fall on me, dwell in me, and uncover spiritual gifts. Nothing happened when she prayed. I was slightly discouraged, but still open to what God had for me. She left and I continued to worship. Within a song or two the air started to thicken around me...I could no longer sing, I could no longer sway. I was still, my legs didn't seem to want to work and my mouth just wanted to be still. It was as if the Lord was taking all the energy from me and I was still and silenced before him. Shortly thereafter, as I was still in a state of stillness, two ladies came over. I think one of them was the first lady. She had said she felt led to me in the beginning and I suppose she felt led again. I could definitely feel the Holy Spirit surrounding me and my goodness is it powerful and amazing. I cannot put it into words. I can hardly even try. A lady spoke behind me "Precious", she said and began laying hands on me, speaking in tongues. The first lady, as well, laid hands. Between the two of them I was surrounded and the power radiated. My hands were lifted, as they had remained throughout, and I soon got this heat sensation in them. But it was strange, it was just in a circle in the center of my palm...this warm light pulsing feeling. I began to shake. First my hands, then my whole body. Then I was calming down and twice almost fell. Had not the ladies held me up I would have gone down. The power was amazing.


The last prayer session like this I was filled with fire and heat and yet, at the same time, a sense of floating and complete peace. I went into wanting to shake.


This time I went into it rather expecting to be at peace and not to shake. This time I shook.


The Lord is funny like that.


And the Lord is so fulfilling.


I am realizing I have not been doing the best job for this small group. I have not been inviting the Holy Spirit to come and dwell with us. I have not been expecting and earnestly desiring. I have been going along with the motions, forgetting that allowing the Holy Spirit to work, giving the Lord time to actually come is the most important part. Not my message, no matter how annointed I think it may be. The Holy Spirit needs room. Those girls deserve a leader who will allow it. And I need to step it up and draw nearer to the Lord.





Nights like these are the best.


Refreshment, rejuvenation, Hope.


Man, the Lord is Good.

Me

This is the stupidest (w/c? hahh) blog ever lately.
It's all about me.
And you know why?
Because I was feeling fake...or something like that.
I started looking through all my old things, reminiscing on the person I used to be and feeling like I was cheating myself. Like I'd strayed too far from the person I really am.
But that person was never the person I wanted to be in the first place. The person I am now, the leader, the God follower, a prayer warrior, a vessel, a testimony, a changed person. New-- reborn, and improved--by God's restoration. That is the person woman I have always wanted to be. I need growth still and will forever...but I do not need to retreat because I'm changing.

In the past few days I've really realized some things. It's funny how someone can say something and not know how much you relate to them, or how much, in that simple idea or experience, your eyes have opened to see your own self and circumstances in a new light.

I was on my way to prayer on Tuesday and thinking of all the things I really needed prayer for, but which ones I would actually say. I decided that all my problems are likely spawned from one: My devotions and alone time with the Lord have been lacking. I have been so tired lately when I have the house to myself that I am lazy and nap. I have been hit with so many headaches lately that when it comes time to do my devotions at night, I can't focus on the physical words, much less generate any emotions or spiritual strengthening from them. Do I rebuke the headaches? Well no, I'm too tired, of course. Is that the biggest cop out ever? Well yes, of course. Anyway, I'm going too indepth here. I made my way to prayer and met up with Sammie who, true to form, had the same prayer request as me. Her devotions and alone time with God, as mine, were pathetic. Then she said it...she felt disgusting. Dirty. Ugly. Gross. Hey, I thought to myself, I feel that way too. Hey, I thought again, as puzzle pieces collided and a fuzzy picture came into focus, it all started when I stopped pursuing the Lord as fully. When I got busy. When my schedule changed. When I took that baby step away from my Jesus to focus on other things that, while they are important, can and never should be as important as the Lord.
Jesus is perfect, beauty, light. He is in me, reflected outward. When I am in his presence. Whilst I had stepped away the beauty faded. As the beauty faded I began to feel worse. It got darker, yes. And the darkness is simply depressing. I receded. More beauty left me. The light grew dimmer. I was left with ugliness. Guiltiness at not being able to be everything. Failure. Didn't I remember there is no condemnation for those in Jesus Christ. But then, hadn't I stepped out of Him. Wasn't I, then, vulnerable, unarmed, to attack by the Enemy's condemnation, lies, and deception which I then allowed to penetrate and dictate my actions. Malarkey.
There will be valleys and mountains and learning experiences. I have had an experience and it has been illustrated for me. Unfortunately I am a visual learner. I can see all these things happening, in the aftermath. But initially, I did not see them panning out as they would. As they, now have, of course, and yes, the Lord uses it for His good. Because He is Good.

Steven Curtis Chapman God Follower Lyrics

My heart is restless as I wander through this jungle
The trees above refuse to let the sunlight through
And somewhere deep inside I hear the whispered longings
That tell me I was made for more than this

A blinding flash of light falls down into the darkness
Slowly I notice strange new markings on the trail
The crimson drops are calling out to me come and follow
"I am the God who made you, let Me show you how to live"
And I cry…

I want to be a God follower
I want to go wherever He leads
I want to be a God follower
I want to walk the trail He’s marked for me
And be a God follower
(More than anything)

And now I journey on with purpose and with passion
Just like a dead man who’s been given breath again
And though this path can still grow dark with tears and sorrow
I know He will never leave me
So with everything I am I will say…

And when I reach God’s place
I will look into His face
And then I’ll look for you
Will I find you there?
Can you say with me…
I want to be a God follower
I want to be a God follower
I want to be a God follower
I want to be a God follower

Balance

I'm not gonna lie. I'm having a hard time. I watch all these shows, I go to this class, I read these books about nutrition and how it's so important and people are aging their bodies and dying so much sooner and in a lot of cases it's all preventable by exercise and nutrition. Yet I come home and my mom and I have a conversation about it all and she says she's worried this nutrition class is making things worse, that I need to not be so picky about eating healthy and that one piece of pizza or one chicken wing or one cheeseburger is not going to cause a heart attack. I know this. But shoot, one leads to another. I have plenty of "ones". But I feel better (!) when I'm eating healthy. It's good when I exercise. It gives me something to do. So just because I'm being "too picky" means we can't have healthy food? She basically said it's irrelevant and "not about that" because she used to have a greasy cheeseburger and brownie ice cream at Frostyz everyday when she was in high school. It did make some sort of difference. She just can't see it yet. I wish I could control the cupboards and shop myself at Trader Joe's or Whole Foods or Henry's or somethingggg. But Trader Joe's, being the only one my mom will shop at, stresses me out. It's such a small store and I never feel like I can look around before I start freaking out.
What spurred this post was Oprah. Hah! Dr. Oz is on and took a servey of the audience's health. The healiest woman in the audience cooks nearly all her meals herself (no eating out/fast food/ processed/ preservatives) and she runs three times a week with a friend and swims two other days of the week. That is amazing! I want to do that! At least the exercise. The eating too, actually. Maybe I should take a culinary class next semester so I can cook dinners. I am really awful at cooking. But I need to learn how if I'm ever going to truly be a healthy person. I am so clueless when it comes to cooking...I burn grilled cheese for heaven's sake.
Anyway, I've really been wanting to go running. It's like this itch I've been having. But not just running. Prayer running. I think I need to do it. But I'm a girl and my parents are worried about me running around the neighborhood alone in the mornings. Especially since there have been a few early-morning break-in's to cars and garages lately.
Other than that, I really want to, sometime in my lifetime, participate in a triathalon. I think that would be amazing. And it's not so much the triathalon part. It's the training that takes place months and months before. The discipline to realize there is really a goal at the end. I don't know if my body would even be able to hold up. I've had knee and back problems since middle school. But part of the problem, my doctor said, may be that I don't have enough "core strength"...abs. And I just haven't used my legs in years so perhaps if I start slower I could gain strength and build them up.
I read this book over the summer called Prayerwalk by Janet Holm McHenry and it was seriously amazing. I recommend it a lot. It makes you want to get up and do something, for your community, for your healthy, and, most importantly for God--to see him released by prayer throughout your community and personal life. It's goood. :)