Exercise

I think I might start going to the gym with a friend at 5:30am 5 days a week. She's looking for a workout partner and maybe this is just what I need to get me moving and motivated for the day and devotions and jazz like that (:
I don't know if I can get up that early though. That is intense.
I am no morning person.
But maybe I could be?

Sewing

I sewed today because I had a zillion other things to do and didn't want to do them, or think about them.

Within about an hour of the pictures being posted on the Space I got an offer for this bag...it's still kind of reserved for a gal who wanted a large bag a long time ago. But either way, it's sold now. And I'm almost kind of bummed...I really love that bag and the pattern is great. But I guess I need $25 more.

After this my mom and I spent way too long making an extra big yoga at bag for a family friend's birthday tomorrow. Her mat is almost twice the size as the regular ones so we really had to wing it, size wise, and we still don't know if it fits...but the bag is really rad, I think.

Tomorrow I have to go prom dress shopping. I really loathe this. I don't like myself in dresses and it easily gets me depressed haha. But, it must be done. I found one I actually liked,

but of course, the only color they had in my size to order on line (and even then we may have had to send it back) was magenta. And I just don't do magenta. Soooo, unfortunately, my day tomorrow will be spent shopping. I'm almost hoping for rain (: in which case we'll be stuck inside, oh darn.

That is all.

Sick. Again.

My life is like a teeter totter and I wish it weren't.

I can't swallow much. Here we go again.

I wish I could be optimistic and cheerful and bright all the time. But sometimes I just don't feel strong enough. I can tell myself that, "I can do anything through Christ who strengthens me". But sometimes they are just words and I can't hold onto them or believe them and there is this gap between my heart and mind and they don't always want to agree.

I hope I just have a fever and am delusional.

Future

First, let start out with this: God has been so Good to me lately. So good. And that is love. And I feel it right now...in this second. That revelation that God is good to me and that is love.

Moving on....

I have so much admiration and respect for people who see God calling them places and they just drop everything and work toward that goal.
I need to be more like these people and not over analyse.
I need to have less of a "my plan".
Ugh.
I had this lovely fellow, Nick, pray over me tonight and say many things.

Don't sway.
The Lord is immeasurably proud.
Sunflower blooming...life beginning.
A spiritual sense of smell.
Powerful voice to be raised.
Art....
Artsy fartsy school...scultpure, clay.
Pottery. Bowls--
many different sizes, shapes of spiritual senses.
Cafe. Sheep--people gathering there.
A light switch, the future being clear.

I don't know for certain what all this means
but this fellow didn't know me at all.
And yet he knew my heart completely.


I have a plan and this isn't part of it. Not realistically.
In my heart it is the forerunner. Something I truly used to get excited about before I shot it down and couldn't find a way to do it. I still don't know if I can. I know I can if it is really of His will. And even if it's not...if I later recognize this he can use it for good. But I don't want to be irrational. I don't know where I'm going or what I'm studying.
Kevin said many many months ago that college would be last minute.
Why did God have to be right?
Where am I going with my life?

I Don't Blog Anymore

EDIT: I have a question for all y'all...the little banner thing at the top of the page, how do you change that? I did it once but I can't remember how to do it again......much appreciation oh wise ones.


And it's not because things aren't happening...maybe it's because things are happening.
Today I feel like making a list.

• I get burnt out on sewing and being productive
• I am learning that I don't know what true love is, nor what true love in regards to the Lord means. What does it mean to feel loved? To know I am loved? To be able to accept that love and return it to the best of my ability? I am bad at being loved and loving. This has to come to an end. (A good end, I might add)
• I need to be open about my past and apply it to my future as testimony and ministry. However, in the act of opening the blind for outsiders to see in my little window...I in turn will have to close and lock the door on my past--never to re-enter. I can't go back to it if everyone knows of it. The thrill (which is a horrible word, I just can't find another one right now) will be lost. However, this will be fantastic closure and the world will be at my fingertips.
• I made my first scrapbookish painting/collage thing that I actually enjoy...it's not glued down yet because I lost a green ribbon. I think it got caught up in a pile of laundry and is now tumbling in the drier. I hope it doesn't shrink...it was the perfect length for the page. Shoot.
• My eyes are green and I was told that through them shines a ministry I can't see but others can. That was an encouraging word.
• I need to loosen up and let the laughter flow.
• Yet sorrow is better than laughter...and this confuses me. Eccl. 7 I believe.
• My future. Needs to be more open and I have an inkling, almost a fearful one, that the foundation lies in my past. But I am struggling to be sincere.
• I might take voice lessons, but I am incredibly scared and embarrassed.
• I just sneezed and strained a muscle in my back.
• I need to "ruminate" in (on?) the Word.
• I have a lovely bedroom with wall art now.
• I keep procrastinating at things and this is avoidance and this avoidance is the manifest of mistrust.
• I need to be more like a tree man. Harold Eberle is a wise guy. And he supports the point I've been subconsciously living by for years. Be like trees. Sit, recieve from the heavens--light, rain, dry spells and give to the people shade, a place to rest, and beautiful colors. Amen brother Harold. Amen.
• This is the end of my list for now...