Truly Fulfilled?

So I'm at this new place in life and it's scary but I know it's going to be great.

I'm excited for my new job as a preschool teacher and taking over the elementary department (it sounds all official and stuff but it's really not...I'm just the only one who likes them and wants to do stuff with them :) ). I'm planning on setting up some sort of bible message once a week (the kids have been without any "God stuff" for over two years now and I'm just not down with that), and homework time and a planned activity. It's going to be great :) I know God has me here for a reason and I love that.

But lately, I've had some things on my heart.

It makes me so sad to see some people I know and I look at their life and know they know who God is...but their life is not marked by it. I see them and see the world. I see them and don't see God. I have to dig deeper and search for and wonder if God is really in their life or are they just going through the motions. And I guess a big part of it is that they are just going through the motions. But I do not want to be a young woman who's life is marked (or marred) by the world. I want to be a young woman who's life is so blatantly marked by God that it's undeniable.

I look at these people and I hear what they do, where they go, who they hang out with. I hear their baggage, their grief, their stress, their...hopelessness. And I pray they find hope! I see the things of this world that they are trying to fulfill their lives with and it breaks my heart. Instead of sensing light, I sense darkness when I am around them. Just this negativity cloaking their shoulders. I don't see how they can't see it. I want to go up to them and just simply say, "And how is that working out for you?" when they tell me about this party they went to, or that boyfriend they slept with, or that guy they met, or that guy they broke up with, or that check that bounced, or that job they hate.

And the thing that makes me the most sad is that they have SO much potential and NO ONE telling them this. Instead, the people that love them are condoning their search for fulfillment via this messed up culture, society, and world. Because it's way cooler to be okay with your daugher, neice, co-worker, friend "experiencing" the college life, the 20's lifestyle, etc. No one is telling them what they desperately need and DESERVE to hear. No is telling them, "Hey! You! You're a daughter of the Living, Mighty, All-Powerful GOD! You are his DAUGHTER! And he has SO much more for you than this...this life you are trying desperately to fill with meaning by more boys, more drinks, more parties, more bad friends. But these things aren't working for you. Can't you see it? Won't you see it? God is the ultimate Fulfiller. He is the ultimate Giver of Life. Draw near to Him, daughter. God is saying, 'I love you. I love you. I love you. Even when the world doesn't. I love you always. I have the BEST for you.' Stop settling for less!"

A few weeks ago my heart was not like this. A few weeks ago my heart was saying that girls like this were just annoying and depressing and basically stupid. Why can't they just see it's not working out for them and just try the whole God thing "for-serious this time"? Common sense, right?

But then my heart changed. And I have such a passion to pray that the Lord would break through to them. And to me even. I need to live with my eyes open to God and closed to the world. I need to find my fulfillment in Him alone, which I know I have not been doing the past year. And this is a trying time. But I know it's in God's timing. And I love where I am at. I love this passion building up inside me.

A little spare time...and change?

So I'm blogging :) Mainly because it's summer, so I can. With out feeling super guilty. A little guilty still, yes. But not super guilty. This year has gone by so incredibly fast and it is so crazy to look back on it and think of how many areas of my life that I have grown in. When I think about it, I do see I've grown. Maybe not blatantly spiritually as I did in the last year of high school, but I think the Lord has been revealing other things to me this year. More responsibility and future oriented than the physical, tingly spiritual...stuff, if that makes ANY sense at all. Let's see if I can explain more.
Basically, I've been learning a lot about responsibility, especially financially, this year. I got my first real-ish job, had my first battle with an insurance company over my totaled car and money compensation, had to make a tough choice while purchasing a new car, took out student loans, got laid off from my job, and was expecting to be flat broke this summer and desperate. It's been an interesting ride and I am blessed beyond belief, when I really take a minute to think about all of this. God knew what he was doing. Go figure :)
So my first job, at the SDSU library was super convenient and I loved it, still do. It allowed me to realize that I am capable of taking at least 15 units and still work 20-25 hours a week (depending on other comittments such as ministries), and still have a bit of a social life and not be pulling my hair out. I was somehow able to save a good deal of money this way even though I was just making $8.00 an hour and working 20 hours a week. I really don't know how in the world I managed to actually save money. I don't know how it started, but I just didn't view paychecks as MY money, I suppose. Which is weird. I guess perhaps it's because I like working and I like being busy that I would have filled up my time with more ministry stuff anyway (which I never got paid for before). I mean, if we figure it like that...then my junior/senior year of high school I was "working" at a higher ground club, jr high group, and high school small group, as well as interning at a jr high school. Interning was 2.5 hrs a week, hg club was 1.5 hrs-ish, jr high group was (still is) 3.5 hrs, high school small group leader was 2.5 hrs plus an extra 3 hours once a month for a leader meeting. That's 11 hours a week I had already been used to working for free for at least a year. So perhaps this prepared me to view the money I earned at my real job as not really mine. Yet, during this year, I have been able to do most everything I've wanted to. It's been nice being able to, but still learning responsibility. Like...I COULD buy that super cute shirt at Macy's...but I'd rather not. Let's go to Ross instead! Or just not buy anooother shirt. I have plenty :P It just feels fantastic to not have to live pay check to pay check and to just be secure, because I'm being smart. But I am fortunate to still be living at home too. That would be an entirely different story.
It just amazes me what people my age spend money on. Maybe it seems rediculous to some people...like I'm not enjoying the college life or not really living...but I'm not saving for anything specific...except to pay student loans off, to pay my car off (which I can do now!), and to buy a house. I'm not saving to just go blow it all on clothes, or a vacation, or a macbook (even though I reeeeally really really want one...!). I'm just trying to be practical and responsible and I think it's crazy at how easy it's been for me. Like this has to be of the Lord. It is so much more freeing to know that I am building habits and even money now in order to be financially secure for the future.
And it's crazy that I still feel this way even though I'm out of a job right now. God has blessed me. At the rate the economy was going, I saw that this was a possibility a long time ago. I mean, frankly every one should right now. And even now I do feel way more at peace than I would have I not had the (unnatural) desire to save the bulk of what I earned. And God even used my car accident to bless me. I prayed and prayed, probably not even as much as I should have, but he still blessed me! And I wasn't exactly as expectant as I normally would have been because....after all, it was an insurance company I had to deal with. But now I am in a better position probably than I was before. I have an amazing car, yet reasonable. I really wanted the Volvo S40...but I would have had to over extend myself a little too far, and I didn't want that. But now I have my wagon, which holds kayaks, is super plush on the inside, more roomy, newer, and with all the insurance money I could now have it paid off if I needed or wanted to today and I might still have been making payments on my old volvo.
As of now, the money making has slowed. But the insurance money has more than covered what I would have earned over the entire summer had I kept my old job. And getting laid off from my job has even opened up more time to look into new, better paying ones. As I even write this I am amazed at how all of this has worked out throughout this whole year. I was so discouraged when I got in my accident, and so discouraged when I got laid off, but you know what...God provides! And I know he will continue to, even more so, as long as I continue to seek him and thank him and praise him.
More and more I've been seeing God as my Father. And in this sense I see his blessings being poured out on me...but when I'm responsible. It's like my own dad. He wants to be able to provide for me, but if I was just blowing all of his cash on little materialistic things, he'd probably stop helping out so much. I think God wants to bless us and fulfill our needs...but also our wants and desires, reasonably. Do I think that if I had gone out and got the $18,000 Volvo S40 that I really wanted that I would be able to pay it off right now and be at peace financially. No, not really. I didn't need that. And frankly, I don't need the car I have now. So I could have done even better probably. But I do feel blessed all the same. And I just pray I can keep it up and the return when I'm able to pay off my school loans and buy my own house someday will be great :)
I love that God's wallet is big, even now when people are struggling. I'm almost glad that now the economy is bad. Because it's teaching us all, I hope, to be more responsible and disciplined. At least that's what I'm learning. And I still pray that it will pay off by the time I'm 40 if I can keep it up. :)

Stepping Out...Alone

I am trying to trust here, so much. And have one of those stepping out of my comfort zone, experiences. What makes it hard here is that I'm forcing Matt to do the same. I know in my heart and my mind this is what God has for us right now, that we would go out alone and be open to what God has for us either way. So here I am seeking and asking between crying and that heart wrenching feeling I feel every morning, all day long, after I wake up. I hate this. It's not supposed to be like this I don't think. It was never supposed to be this difficult. We were all supposed to be so in tune with God, in such a close relationship with him that he would have told us what to do in the beginning. But we're fallen, so we go through these rough times. But we can use them to grow. And I am going to try so hard to grow. And not just say that, but actually do it. I am not going to lean on my own understanding, but be open to God's. I am going to pray that he leads my heart in the direction of his heart, his will for me. And then act on whatever that may be. But obviously this is a process and won't happen over night. I pray that this experience is one I look back on and am thankful for it, see the fruit of it, whatever might happen, later. 

I hate causing hurt, I hate not being there to comfort him. I hate hurting and I hate not having his comfort now. And I pray this really is where God was leading me. To be broken, but to be restored. 

Growth...it's a process.

I'm feeling it again. It's bubbling up and I'm bracing myself for the inevitable explosion. When I burst with awe and praise and joy. I'm feeling the growth starting to stir my atrophied bones. I'm praying for a good year. And I think the theme is growth. Eyes unveiled to more lies and a freedom and renewed trust in the Lord. I'm excited. I'm anticipating a lot here. But it's going to be difficult.
It's funny. I was writing on Tuesday and wrote down that I want to grow. I just want more. It's time for a spurt here. It's been too long. I will be forever stunted in physical growth (at 5'1) but I can grow so much in spirit and it's time. Way time.
But I've been learning, during this season where I've kind of been gliding by, watching life move quickly around me. And I'm learning that I love the church. I really do. I love that you see pieces of Jesus in the random people you know at church. You see pieces of the world too...but why focus on the negative? We live in the world. Of course there will be pieces. That doesn't mean we shouldn't go to church and just live in the world though. I'm realizing I need to get all that I can of Jesus. And part of that is people. I love that when I go to church, I see people and just seeing there face...whether it's smiling or crying out to the Lord in anguish for their sons and daughters--for America, it blesses me to see this. I love the church. I love the support I feel. Even when I know what's going on behind the scenes. Even when I know the politics. But guess what, that's family for you. You can't walk away from family. And we shouldn't walk away from the church. But because it's not our blood tying us to our church family (only Jesus's) it's so much easier to get fed up with it and leave. It's not right. It breaks my heart.
I'm learning I love to be busy too. Well, I knew that already. But I'm really solidifying this belief of myself. I love to always be doing something. But not just anything. I love to be learning and spiritually growing and I'm so not a good person when I'm not. I'm not happy, I'm always wishing I were growing spiritually...so why, I ask myself, don't I help myself out and just put myself in learning and growing environments. I love them.
I'm also learning I don't want an ordinary, everday Christian life. I want one that's busy. But busy for Good. Busy learning, growing, and serving the people who don't yet fully know how Good God is and what a blessing He is and how much more enjoyable life is with Him. I cannot seem to stress enough that I know now that I do not want an ordinary life. I do not want a wishy-washy life. I want an exciting life with lots of kids touched, with lots of knowledge stored and live out.
I'm also learning that not everyone loves what I do. That people grow, or don't grow, in different ways. And I'm learning which ways are the most important to me. It's a heart breaking but immensely exciting time.
I'm discovering the resounding truth of John 4...Jesus is tired after baptising a bunch of people and walking and all that jazz. Anyone would be tired. So he lets his disciples go off to get food while he rests...even though he's hungry too. As most people know...he ends up getting an opportunity to talk to this Samaritan woman about God and it's a moving experience. Afterward his disciples come back and offer him food. But he's so jazzed about just getting to talk with the lost woman that he's not even hungry anymore. The Holy Spirit is more fulfilling than earthly food.
I love that if I go to church exhausted, I almost always come back with a smile on my face and a pep to my step. Even if my feet were dragging as I was going. I love that God truly is fulfilling.
And I sooo desire to be passionate. No more apathy or passivity. I just want growth, and whatever it takes to get there.