When to Talk

Edited/Deleted.

On the other hand...I don't have much to say today. I don't feel like writing and I didn't feel like cleaning all day long. Today I have been extremely tired. First time I've almost fallen asleep in church in a long long time. I don't recall staying up that late last night and I didn't get up that early this morning.

I have yet to do any substancial amount of studying and I have a 200 question government final on Tuesday. Ugh, almost done with this whole school thing...for a bit at least.

Right now we're just playing the waiting game.

I am incapable of declining a good brownie or...three.

Future

First, let start out with this: God has been so Good to me lately. So good. And that is love. And I feel it right now...in this second. That revelation that God is good to me and that is love.

Moving on....

I have so much admiration and respect for people who see God calling them places and they just drop everything and work toward that goal.
I need to be more like these people and not over analyse.
I need to have less of a "my plan".
Ugh.
I had this lovely fellow, Nick, pray over me tonight and say many things.

Don't sway.
The Lord is immeasurably proud.
Sunflower blooming...life beginning.
A spiritual sense of smell.
Powerful voice to be raised.
Art....
Artsy fartsy school...scultpure, clay.
Pottery. Bowls--
many different sizes, shapes of spiritual senses.
Cafe. Sheep--people gathering there.
A light switch, the future being clear.

I don't know for certain what all this means
but this fellow didn't know me at all.
And yet he knew my heart completely.


I have a plan and this isn't part of it. Not realistically.
In my heart it is the forerunner. Something I truly used to get excited about before I shot it down and couldn't find a way to do it. I still don't know if I can. I know I can if it is really of His will. And even if it's not...if I later recognize this he can use it for good. But I don't want to be irrational. I don't know where I'm going or what I'm studying.
Kevin said many many months ago that college would be last minute.
Why did God have to be right?
Where am I going with my life?

I Don't Blog Anymore

EDIT: I have a question for all y'all...the little banner thing at the top of the page, how do you change that? I did it once but I can't remember how to do it again......much appreciation oh wise ones.


And it's not because things aren't happening...maybe it's because things are happening.
Today I feel like making a list.

• I get burnt out on sewing and being productive
• I am learning that I don't know what true love is, nor what true love in regards to the Lord means. What does it mean to feel loved? To know I am loved? To be able to accept that love and return it to the best of my ability? I am bad at being loved and loving. This has to come to an end. (A good end, I might add)
• I need to be open about my past and apply it to my future as testimony and ministry. However, in the act of opening the blind for outsiders to see in my little window...I in turn will have to close and lock the door on my past--never to re-enter. I can't go back to it if everyone knows of it. The thrill (which is a horrible word, I just can't find another one right now) will be lost. However, this will be fantastic closure and the world will be at my fingertips.
• I made my first scrapbookish painting/collage thing that I actually enjoy...it's not glued down yet because I lost a green ribbon. I think it got caught up in a pile of laundry and is now tumbling in the drier. I hope it doesn't shrink...it was the perfect length for the page. Shoot.
• My eyes are green and I was told that through them shines a ministry I can't see but others can. That was an encouraging word.
• I need to loosen up and let the laughter flow.
• Yet sorrow is better than laughter...and this confuses me. Eccl. 7 I believe.
• My future. Needs to be more open and I have an inkling, almost a fearful one, that the foundation lies in my past. But I am struggling to be sincere.
• I might take voice lessons, but I am incredibly scared and embarrassed.
• I just sneezed and strained a muscle in my back.
• I need to "ruminate" in (on?) the Word.
• I have a lovely bedroom with wall art now.
• I keep procrastinating at things and this is avoidance and this avoidance is the manifest of mistrust.
• I need to be more like a tree man. Harold Eberle is a wise guy. And he supports the point I've been subconsciously living by for years. Be like trees. Sit, recieve from the heavens--light, rain, dry spells and give to the people shade, a place to rest, and beautiful colors. Amen brother Harold. Amen.
• This is the end of my list for now...

Cynicism v. Truth

Sometimes I think I, and maybe others can relate, mistake seeking the truth and wanting to live in truth, as cynicism. I know it may sound strange....even oxymoronical, but hear me out.
I know this person who is always wanting to seek the Lord's heart...in doing so, they don't like to do a lot of things that maybe a group of us want to...like they won't go see a movie they know is probably not good. I have mistaken this, before, as them just being negative and stubborn. On other occassions they have interrupted a converstation by saying, "Hey, isn't there something better to talk about?" when a group of us are talking about someone that isn't present. I have previously mistaken this for the person wanting to control conversations and only talk about things that interest that person...or I've taken it as an isult that our conversations aren't "good enough" for that person. I've found, also, that in everything, my friend analyzes and digs deeper...sometimes shooting down ideas or theories I think are right and refuting them with principles I hadn't thought of. I've been known to take this as flat out criticism of my lack of knowledge....istead of this person providing or reminding me of valuable truths.
I have possessed this notion that this individual was just cynical...no fun...boring and dull and stubborn and judgmental as they make me feel like crap sometimes. But that's not the way they are at all. That's my flesh, my earthlyness talking. And that is a testament to that person standing up and really saying, "Hey, I'm going to be counterculture...I'm going to live differently than you." This person is being stubborn: stubborn as to persevere through everything to know the truth deeper and not be afraid to point out false ideas, theories, or beliefs people possess when it comes to the written word.
And my feelings getting hurt was just me being prideful and stuck in my ways...which aren't always necessarily the Lord's. But it's hard sometimes to really have that drive to seek the truth fully. It is so easy, on the other hand, to just listen to what someone tells you is right...maybe a college-aged leader, or pastor, or respected elder in the church, or even peers, and just trust them to tell you the truth without putting up a fight.
It's harder to form a counterargument...it takes effort. But, I suppose in order to know the truth fully, we're going to have to get pretty good at forming counterarguments. Because the only way to find out if something is really irrefutable, is to make sure there are no counterarguments. Sure, there are some situational things...but everything has to be taken into account when deciding if it's right or wrong to go to this movie, or listen to that music, or hang out with these people, or talk about such and such or so and so. Sure, we're never going to get it all right. But if we just blindly accept the things we hear from the group we are much more likely to not be living in the right, I think, because true Christianity in whatever state you or I are presently at, is still the minority.

So, when it comes down to my personal situations, I was the one being cynical. I was the one looking at the bad instead of being absolutely blessed by the example of someone who would stand up for the Lord.

Dry...Not the Weather

So I've been sick for a while, and stressed (which has probably prolonged my ailments...eh?) and just feeling distant from everything and everyone--including God. I've just lacked the motivation to do anything besides sleep, eat, and sleep some more. I've been dry. Part of it, yes, is because I've been sick. Another part is because I've just been tired. For some reason I think I need to do it all all the time. Like God is not proud of me when I take a moment for myself, to breathe. To be "selfish". But I guess it's not selfish, taking care of myself. Taking time to listen. Between school and ministries I just feel bogged down. I'm always going, going, going. And on one hand I love this! I love being busy because it leaves less time to sit and think about life and where I'm really at on my marathon with God.

Walking with God, lately, has felt like a marathon. Yet I'm not even to the actually marathon process. I'm just in the intense training part that is the vast majority of what it takes to actually part-take in the activity. I'm tired a bit. I just want to stop trying and just sleep. Rest. And I have...for two weeks of being sick. Now it's time to get back on the horse...but maybe, get back on the horse and be still and silent and maybe not start running, maybe not jump the gun and feel the thrill of busyness.

I've decided to stop doing one of my ministries, the after school club, Higher Ground, for Jr. Highers. I don't know 100% if I really need to quit it. If I'm really being asked to, or if it's me saying I just can't do it all. But that's not me...I always want to be the best. I'd love to be able to do everything on my own strength. I don't know. I don't stinking know.

I don't know where to draw the line. I don't know what balance is. I don't know when it's me not trusting God enough. I don't know if it's wrong that I really need money, a job, and that I can't find a way, yet, to make enough and still do all these ministries and go to school. I get so discouraged and so confused when I know people somehow think I'm less holy, or less Godly because I say I need a job, I need money..."Well you don't really NEED it...you could just trust God a little more". But am I expecting for Him to just hand me a lump sum of cash on a monthly basis without me working for it at all? I don't know. Should I expect that? Should my faith be that high? Because it's not. And I don't know what I think about all this. I'm just tired of not feeling like I'm enough. And you know what...I'm not. I wish people would see that more. That I can't do everything and what I can do in excellence I should do...and put all of me into it...not into these random things that, now, people are just expecting me to do. If it's for me....then it's not good for me to be walking in it. I kind of feel like screaming right now. Torn between people and a divine guidance that I'm not entirely sure is, in fact, divine.

Maybe I'm just lazy. Maybe I just need to step it up. I know in lots of ways I do need to step it up. But right now I'm just confused at what to do and what to focus on.

On the other hand...I had been feeling really dry, as I may have already said, and I was putting off reading my Bible and putting off praying because I was just tired. I just didn't want to do anything anymore. So I picked it up a few nights ago and opened to Hosea--about the Israelites turning away and God accepting them nonetheless. That's me on so many occassions. It's what I need to hear...being drawn to the desert. Taking everything away...and being restored.

It was a filler-upper.

The Line

We went to Big Bear and I will write a ton about that later, I'm sure...but right now I don't have the pictures, or that kind of motivation...so I would like to pose a question instead....

I have been thinking a lot lately about the things we do daily that we can play off as being unspiritual and insignificant to our personal spirituality. Things like listening to that kind of music, or watching that kind of movie, reading that kind of book, going to that kind of place...so many things we do and just don't necessarily think all too much about it. But what does God think? Does he care all that much if I go see a PG-13 movie that has some vulgarity and inappropriate things that apparently aren't "of God"? Does every movie I see have to be like Facing the Giants? I mean...if we really get down to it, even the cartoons are vulgar these day. Like Shrek...there are many allusion to not so nice things. And music, if I turn on 102.1 am I disappointing God because the people aren't exactly singing His praises? Also, smoking and drinkning...if I smoke a cigar or cigarette, or have a drink...but I'm not addicted by any means, is that sinning? Is that so wrong? Is that so ungodly?
Where is the line? I don't know?
The way I have lived seeing it thus far is that if I don't struggle with the things these movies or music promotes, then it is okay. If I don't struggle with cussing, drinking, sex, etc. then it doesn't affect me all that much, or my spiritual walk, if I go see a movie that isn't so Godly afterall, or if I listen to music that contains some subjects that aren't all that great or moral. Is this a wrong way of taking it? Am I condoning all these things and is that wrong? Am I supposed to watch nothing and listen to only Christian music, read only Christian books, and talk about only Christian things? In a perfect world, how great would that be. But we don't live in a perfect world...we live here. Unfortunately. So what to do? I truly don't know.

I don't drink or smoke...because I have no personal desire to, but maybe someday will, who knows...I do not think I watch awful things, but I don't watch the best things (not that there are bests out there anymore)....I don't think I listen to awful music....but some of it isn't the best....
But where is the line? Is the line the same for everyone? Or does it move according to personal conviction and how things affect people's personal walks with the Lord? I don't know...but I would love your opinion. Really.

Prayerwalking

I decided to really start prayerwalking as one of my several new year's resolutions this year. I went on a lovely walk yesterday and felt refreshed and filled up a bit as I arrived home. But today it was raining and I couldn't walk in the rain...I mean, I could have. But I most likely would have gotten chastized by my mother, we're going to Big Bear for three days, starting Wednesday, and I can't get sick, afterall. I want to write about camp....but I'm just not up for it. What I'm really up for, is some food...I don't know what kind yet. Perhaps oatmeal. Maybe chicken salad sandwiches...maybe both hahh.

Cleared Out

God is funny...I think. Or mean. I haven't decided (...joke...) .

He managed to completely clear out my day today and handled everything that I did end up having to do, quite well. Surprise, surprise at his perfect-ness.

For the past few weeks my days have been leading up to this one...and it's been stressful.

Yet today He showed me how easily all of it can be gone. How he can truly change the tides and how He can truly take care of everything. And the everything we know is just doesn't compare to what He has for us. What can mortal man do to me? Can I add a single hour to my life by worrying? Can the Lord calm the storm? Can I take refuge in Him when things are going crazy...when my emotions are up and down just as much as my hectic schedule? Of course. Praise the Lord. Seriously though. Praise Him for being able to take your plate and dump it...make it crystal clean and sparkling. Praise Him for being capable and compassionate. I have today. He works things out for good. Tis true. And it takes a climax like the last few days to make a person realize that she just has to depend on Him, that she can't do it alone...this whole lifeboat thing.

I feel like these merchants I read about in Psalms 107:23-32. They went out to sea and saw the wonderful works of the Lord...but the Lord brought about a storm at sea. Even in the midst of his beautiful work, the merchants began to be fearful, they lost courage. They didn't know what to do...but then they cried out the the Lord and he delivered them. He completely stilled the storm and the crew praised the Lord with all their hearts as the Lord lead them to their destination.

I'm in the midst of the great things God is doing in my life...his great workmanship. I'm in a great school, a fantastic opportunity with some of the best people. I'm a leader, as I have, deep down, always longed to be, just never had the courage or avenues as I do now. Yet even here, I am hounded, I am hit by storms, projects building up and ministry duties piling high...I feel like I'm sinking...I don't know what to do and I am fearful at failing. But the last two days I have been crying out to the Lord and he has helped me...erased my worries and my stress level has plummeted. It's great! And I know that this is just a part of the journey...this is a part of growth. The Lord cannot perform in his power if I don't fall short--there would be no need. And I do fall short, just by being human, and just by not having enough hands, arms, legs, ears, mouths, and hours in the day, for that matter.

He has cleared the weather and, although it is not going to always be, it's smooth sailing...for now...

Next I just pray he'll just clear out my sinuses...achoooo

-cday

Talk, Talk, Talk and So much Listening.

People like to talk about themselves. Or not even themselves, but their life. And what they're going through. Or what they know about someone else. Or an experience of someone else's that they just want to talk about. It's funny. People like to talk. But few take time to Listen.

I suppose it may be because I have grown up listening for so long, that I have decided I don't prefer talking too much. A good deal of the time the words that spout out of people's mouths are hypocritical, vain, or just plain stupid. I'm not trying to be mean here. Observe and you will see yourself. A woman on survivor this season (my family is addicted and when I'm home, it happens that I watch it haha) told a man who wasn't very social, a gravedigger, that if he's forced to have a conversation, to just keep asking people about themselves because people like talking about themselves. It's so true.

Sometimes I listen so much to people that I just can't formulate my own thoughts anymore. Does that ever happen to anyone else? It's like...numbness. You're listening, you can retell to the person what they've just said, but it hasn't had any time to sink in because they just keep going and going. Then they pause, want your thoughts, but you can't deliver because it's just ongoing. Consequently, they keep going because no one likes a pause to let things settle down. We all like business. We all like to fill the space with something.

There are those times that I so desire to get something in edgewise but I can't. There is no room once I come too. Sometimes I would really like people to care. Sometimes I would like to care more. All of the time I would like it to just not be about me. When I make it about me is when the problems arise.

Anyway, I have really seen this lately. How time is filled up with other people's words and little is left for mine. It doesn't matter or hurt my feelings so much because I do actually like to listen. It is possible for me to just listen. I do things like this to release. I write, I sing, I draw, I paint, I swim...and I pray.

I've been thinking about this and, as well, thinking of the reasons why it is so necessary to worship God and trying to formulate it into a way I can clearly understand it. On one hand I know why I worship the Lord, he is always faithful and always so good to me. On the other hand, he is the Lord and I have this picture of a humble Jesus in my mind that doesn't need my halfhearted praise. For real, what is man that the Lord cares for me...I'm like a breath; my days are fleeting (Psalm 144: 3-4)...I am insignificant. He doesn't need me.

Yet he does care. Though I don't deserve Him too. And I do come to him in prayer. And it is mostly petition. Lord, help me with this...Lord come touch me here. Lord be with me, strengthen me, sustain me, change me, be everything and more...to me. I ask, I vent, I pray, I petition, I talk and talk and talk and talk and talk some more to the Lord...and he never grows weary of listening. He never stops listening. Because he can listen forever. And what's more, his feelings don't get hurt. But how good does he feel when we stop. When I stop and just realize...Wow. How good are You, Lord? How amazing are You? Praise Your name Lord. You are bigger and better than anything. You are Everything. Words cannot begin to express how amazing You are! I cannot tell You enough how Great You are! But just because I can't put it into words...just because I can't say it enough...does that mean that I don't say it at all? No. That means I do all that I can to get my point across because He deserves it! Like no other.

He listens to us all day long, filling up space with talk, talk, talk. Pointless sometimes. Drama other times. Hypocritical the rest of the time. Yet he still listens, he still listens. And we talk and talk and drown Him out. The poor guy is here with us and we're talking and venting and we are not being the good Friend who let's him get a word in edgewise. We are, probably, one of the worst friends to Him because we expect Him to just listen. But he doesn't want to just listen anymore than you or I want to just listen all the time. He wants to give His thoughts too. He wants to tell us about Himself and the plans He has for us too and what's going on in His day and where we can help Him...by stepping out in faith and talking to someone, or praying for something that hasn't yet crossed our mind and won't until we stop talking for a second and listen.

Listening like this can be so hard. I realize that I can listen endlessly to a person talking, physically, to me. But listening to God...being silent and still before Him is just harder. Not filling that silence is difficult.

I don't know why I wrote this. I don't know why I've been thinking about this more lately. I think it's because I've been talking a lot to God about myself lately and not so much about the important things, like my family, friends, small group, jr. high group, etc. It's been a lot of me talking about myself and little time talking on behalf of others. So, I think I really need to change that. And it's going to start now...

-cday

Better than Any Drug

God is crazy! He's hilarious! I love how I come into his chambers with certain expectations and he blows them out of the water.


For our high school small group leadership meeting today, the healing center and prophesy team came in to pray for us. I love that. I get so anxious, anticipating what the Lord has to say to me and if he will at all. We began worshipping and the team started circulating in between us, scoping us all out and seeing where the Holy Spirit was leading them. A lady came up to me, early on, and began praying over me...I forgot her name. She prayed that the Holy Spirit would come, fall on me, dwell in me, and uncover spiritual gifts. Nothing happened when she prayed. I was slightly discouraged, but still open to what God had for me. She left and I continued to worship. Within a song or two the air started to thicken around me...I could no longer sing, I could no longer sway. I was still, my legs didn't seem to want to work and my mouth just wanted to be still. It was as if the Lord was taking all the energy from me and I was still and silenced before him. Shortly thereafter, as I was still in a state of stillness, two ladies came over. I think one of them was the first lady. She had said she felt led to me in the beginning and I suppose she felt led again. I could definitely feel the Holy Spirit surrounding me and my goodness is it powerful and amazing. I cannot put it into words. I can hardly even try. A lady spoke behind me "Precious", she said and began laying hands on me, speaking in tongues. The first lady, as well, laid hands. Between the two of them I was surrounded and the power radiated. My hands were lifted, as they had remained throughout, and I soon got this heat sensation in them. But it was strange, it was just in a circle in the center of my palm...this warm light pulsing feeling. I began to shake. First my hands, then my whole body. Then I was calming down and twice almost fell. Had not the ladies held me up I would have gone down. The power was amazing.


The last prayer session like this I was filled with fire and heat and yet, at the same time, a sense of floating and complete peace. I went into wanting to shake.


This time I went into it rather expecting to be at peace and not to shake. This time I shook.


The Lord is funny like that.


And the Lord is so fulfilling.


I am realizing I have not been doing the best job for this small group. I have not been inviting the Holy Spirit to come and dwell with us. I have not been expecting and earnestly desiring. I have been going along with the motions, forgetting that allowing the Holy Spirit to work, giving the Lord time to actually come is the most important part. Not my message, no matter how annointed I think it may be. The Holy Spirit needs room. Those girls deserve a leader who will allow it. And I need to step it up and draw nearer to the Lord.





Nights like these are the best.


Refreshment, rejuvenation, Hope.


Man, the Lord is Good.

Me

This is the stupidest (w/c? hahh) blog ever lately.
It's all about me.
And you know why?
Because I was feeling fake...or something like that.
I started looking through all my old things, reminiscing on the person I used to be and feeling like I was cheating myself. Like I'd strayed too far from the person I really am.
But that person was never the person I wanted to be in the first place. The person I am now, the leader, the God follower, a prayer warrior, a vessel, a testimony, a changed person. New-- reborn, and improved--by God's restoration. That is the person woman I have always wanted to be. I need growth still and will forever...but I do not need to retreat because I'm changing.

In the past few days I've really realized some things. It's funny how someone can say something and not know how much you relate to them, or how much, in that simple idea or experience, your eyes have opened to see your own self and circumstances in a new light.

I was on my way to prayer on Tuesday and thinking of all the things I really needed prayer for, but which ones I would actually say. I decided that all my problems are likely spawned from one: My devotions and alone time with the Lord have been lacking. I have been so tired lately when I have the house to myself that I am lazy and nap. I have been hit with so many headaches lately that when it comes time to do my devotions at night, I can't focus on the physical words, much less generate any emotions or spiritual strengthening from them. Do I rebuke the headaches? Well no, I'm too tired, of course. Is that the biggest cop out ever? Well yes, of course. Anyway, I'm going too indepth here. I made my way to prayer and met up with Sammie who, true to form, had the same prayer request as me. Her devotions and alone time with God, as mine, were pathetic. Then she said it...she felt disgusting. Dirty. Ugly. Gross. Hey, I thought to myself, I feel that way too. Hey, I thought again, as puzzle pieces collided and a fuzzy picture came into focus, it all started when I stopped pursuing the Lord as fully. When I got busy. When my schedule changed. When I took that baby step away from my Jesus to focus on other things that, while they are important, can and never should be as important as the Lord.
Jesus is perfect, beauty, light. He is in me, reflected outward. When I am in his presence. Whilst I had stepped away the beauty faded. As the beauty faded I began to feel worse. It got darker, yes. And the darkness is simply depressing. I receded. More beauty left me. The light grew dimmer. I was left with ugliness. Guiltiness at not being able to be everything. Failure. Didn't I remember there is no condemnation for those in Jesus Christ. But then, hadn't I stepped out of Him. Wasn't I, then, vulnerable, unarmed, to attack by the Enemy's condemnation, lies, and deception which I then allowed to penetrate and dictate my actions. Malarkey.
There will be valleys and mountains and learning experiences. I have had an experience and it has been illustrated for me. Unfortunately I am a visual learner. I can see all these things happening, in the aftermath. But initially, I did not see them panning out as they would. As they, now have, of course, and yes, the Lord uses it for His good. Because He is Good.

Steven Curtis Chapman God Follower Lyrics

My heart is restless as I wander through this jungle
The trees above refuse to let the sunlight through
And somewhere deep inside I hear the whispered longings
That tell me I was made for more than this

A blinding flash of light falls down into the darkness
Slowly I notice strange new markings on the trail
The crimson drops are calling out to me come and follow
"I am the God who made you, let Me show you how to live"
And I cry…

I want to be a God follower
I want to go wherever He leads
I want to be a God follower
I want to walk the trail He’s marked for me
And be a God follower
(More than anything)

And now I journey on with purpose and with passion
Just like a dead man who’s been given breath again
And though this path can still grow dark with tears and sorrow
I know He will never leave me
So with everything I am I will say…

And when I reach God’s place
I will look into His face
And then I’ll look for you
Will I find you there?
Can you say with me…
I want to be a God follower
I want to be a God follower
I want to be a God follower
I want to be a God follower

Balance

I'm not gonna lie. I'm having a hard time. I watch all these shows, I go to this class, I read these books about nutrition and how it's so important and people are aging their bodies and dying so much sooner and in a lot of cases it's all preventable by exercise and nutrition. Yet I come home and my mom and I have a conversation about it all and she says she's worried this nutrition class is making things worse, that I need to not be so picky about eating healthy and that one piece of pizza or one chicken wing or one cheeseburger is not going to cause a heart attack. I know this. But shoot, one leads to another. I have plenty of "ones". But I feel better (!) when I'm eating healthy. It's good when I exercise. It gives me something to do. So just because I'm being "too picky" means we can't have healthy food? She basically said it's irrelevant and "not about that" because she used to have a greasy cheeseburger and brownie ice cream at Frostyz everyday when she was in high school. It did make some sort of difference. She just can't see it yet. I wish I could control the cupboards and shop myself at Trader Joe's or Whole Foods or Henry's or somethingggg. But Trader Joe's, being the only one my mom will shop at, stresses me out. It's such a small store and I never feel like I can look around before I start freaking out.
What spurred this post was Oprah. Hah! Dr. Oz is on and took a servey of the audience's health. The healiest woman in the audience cooks nearly all her meals herself (no eating out/fast food/ processed/ preservatives) and she runs three times a week with a friend and swims two other days of the week. That is amazing! I want to do that! At least the exercise. The eating too, actually. Maybe I should take a culinary class next semester so I can cook dinners. I am really awful at cooking. But I need to learn how if I'm ever going to truly be a healthy person. I am so clueless when it comes to cooking...I burn grilled cheese for heaven's sake.
Anyway, I've really been wanting to go running. It's like this itch I've been having. But not just running. Prayer running. I think I need to do it. But I'm a girl and my parents are worried about me running around the neighborhood alone in the mornings. Especially since there have been a few early-morning break-in's to cars and garages lately.
Other than that, I really want to, sometime in my lifetime, participate in a triathalon. I think that would be amazing. And it's not so much the triathalon part. It's the training that takes place months and months before. The discipline to realize there is really a goal at the end. I don't know if my body would even be able to hold up. I've had knee and back problems since middle school. But part of the problem, my doctor said, may be that I don't have enough "core strength"...abs. And I just haven't used my legs in years so perhaps if I start slower I could gain strength and build them up.
I read this book over the summer called Prayerwalk by Janet Holm McHenry and it was seriously amazing. I recommend it a lot. It makes you want to get up and do something, for your community, for your healthy, and, most importantly for God--to see him released by prayer throughout your community and personal life. It's goood. :)

Control

God has given me control over my life in order to give control to Him. And that is awesome. The reality that this life is not best lived for myself, but rather for Him, is beyond words.
I feel the best when I am with people in fellowship. When I am worshipping alone in my room or in a room full of Jesus praising people. Not when I am being selfish or petty or giving in to gnawing temptations. And I do see it! I do see that I am being tempted by evil only because I am good. And I am good only because I am God's. Because I have what it takes. Because I have a true hunger for more. Because God has put that in me and it is nothing of my own. Because...here we go! I am nothing! I am nothing. I have wanted to be nothing for so long. And alas I am nothing. I am a vapor, a dust; miniscule, minute. And it is all God.
So I'm letting go. I'm going to be nothing. And I'm going to let God be everything.
I am done being foolish. I am done giving in. Making up excuses because, afterall, "I am only human". No, I am nothing. But I am a spirit. And the spirit of the Living God is in me and that makes me more than a conqueror. More than human. That makes me spiritual. And equipped. Not inept. To fight this invisible and raging battle.

On a much lighter note...
my mom is making artichokes (!!) for dinner...as well as chicken and baked potatoes (and I saw a pumpkin pie in the fridge!). Oh my goodness. I haven't had artichokes in ages. I am so excited. They are sooo amazing!!

Perfection

So I'm having a funky day. I just don't feel good. I'm questioning a lot of things, doubting a lot of things and people and myself. I don't like this feeling. At all. It's this, cloud.
So I sat down with my guitar and started playing the basics, G D Em C...
and words came. And it was great and brought me to tears a few times. It's a simple song. But it's really just what I needed today:



I'm the painting on the fridge
The drawing
Colors out of lines--an endless story
Of a mess

And You Lord, You're
the Mother, the Father
Who adore it.

Lord You,
Turn imperfection around
Into perfect pictures of perfection

To You,
It's a masterpiece in the making
I'm a masterpiece of God's creating

You say, "Hey can't you just see
I delight in you
I'm so proud of you,
My son, my daughter"

Lord You,
Turn imperfection around
Into perfect pictures of perfection

And You take the songs of my heart
and even when they're out of key
You love me
You love me
And that, that's true beauty.

Wow

Okay, so God is so good. I'm laughing thinking about it, actually.

The last few days I have spent with Allie we have talked a bit about her mentor Gail and how much I like Gail's best friend, Laurie. So tonight Allie asked Gail to talk to Laurie about maybe the two of us getting together and talking once in a while. I was getting ready for church tonight, thinking about it and her and wondering if I'd done the right thing but ultimately, I just gave it to the Lord. If it wasn't meant to be, it wouldn't happen.

So I went to church with my family and it was still in the back of my mind. But, I'm not going to lie, I just feel kind of held back when I worship around my family, like they're scrutinizing me when I just let go and worship because all my life I've been so reserved and quiet. Anyway, today's message, given by Dave Hoffman, was about getting over it. Humbling yourself, admitting that you need the Lord, and going for it, seeking Him all the way. There was one worship song before Dave invited people to come down to get prayer, and lo-and-behold, it was Fall On Me, a song by Rita Springer that acutally reminds me of Laurie on account of Rita Springer reminds me of her and the song itself reminds me of small group. Well, after that I went forward and got prayer and I forgot who prayed for me. But she did well :) Then I went and knelt down at the altar and just gave everything up to God, as I have to do daily since I so just want to control everything! When I was walking back, nearly in tears, who do I see sitting in the row behind me but Laurie Ibanez. She waved at me and I waved back and then fought tears as I worshiped the Lord and was taken aback at how Good he Is! After the service I went up to her and flat out asked if there was anyway she would be interested in meeting once in a while here and there, as she put it, "when you need an old person...I get it!" haha How great! So I got her phone number and she told me to call any time at all that I wanted to talk or get together or pray, even over the phone. That's pretty awesome and God is Great :)

I leave for Big Bear tomorrow and this is an awesome way to leave, at peace with everything, knowing I have everyone I need to back me up, including Jesus.

Oh, but Allie, Layne and I still need a small group adult leader for next year. So if anyone feels led to pray for that, we would all greatly appreciate it!

The Ocean, The Lord.

Today I went to the beach with over twenty teens from Foothills. Somehow, between Jesse and I, we all managed to invite people and they actually came. We played all day, then had a bonfire and some really good worship, led by Jean (he's my new favorite, even though I don't really have favorites per say haha!). Only about oh, ten or so, people stayed for worship. But it was amazing. Truly. Some guys ended up coming up to us and asking what we were doing with the music and arms and hands raised. He probably thought we were a cult or something...but one of the guys took care of him I think. Anyway, earlier in the day I was sitting on the beach wondering why people come. It's rather comical to look up and down the shore and see all the bodies, doing the same types of things. But why? I came home and wrote a letter to God because I think I found my answer.

Lord,
Thank you for your ocean, your beaches, and shores. It’s funny, though, how people are drawn to them. Why? Why do people come in hordes to the beach. It’s almost like they’re expecting something. They come, they claim a spot, they relax, they play, they expect. But what do they expect? They desire the heat of the sun, warming their cold bones. They desire nice tanned skin to make them feel better, healthier, more active. They are drawn to the ocean’s peacefulness, and at the same time, its power. The ocean is beautiful, romantic, captivating. It’s something you can sit and look at all day and still find yourself in awe of its power, its unexpectedness, its changing tides. And people are drawn to this. Funny, it’s almost…spiritual.
You created the ocean, the beaches, and shores. And I thank you for shining your light, love, and grace, through it. If people were just drawn to you they would feel your light warming their cold bones, they would feel your breath of life making them healthy and desiring to actively seek you. They would feel a deep peace as they hand over their work, life, school, and desires, to you and give you control, because you are more powerful than them, than us. If we were drawn to you like we are to the ocean, we would find that you are fully captivating, fully romantic and beautiful beyond measure. Someone we can sit with all day, or our whole lives and just be with, talk to, experience, and be blessed by the changing circumstances that come our way.
People are drawn to you and don’t even realize it. The things they love, crave, and desire, are all in you. And it’s something they can carry with them always, if they would just come to your shores of grace and receive.

The Life Book

Alright, so as I was journaling my conversation with Lori in my personal journal last night I remembered some things that I think might be prevalent to everyone. It's one of those things that I've heard forever but never really grasped and appreciated until now. So, so many things have been like that lately. I feel like, as a result of growing up in a Christian home, I have become numb and desensitized to certain things so stressed in the church because of its importance, yet they just became "normal" and I never really took the time to understand the truths spoken to me.

What I realized last night will change my perspective when I read the Bible. All Lori had to say was, "You know the Bible is your life, right?" She went further and explained that everything in there I should experience in my life in order to be complete. It's my life. All the trials, blessings, worship, everything in there is my life played out for me with different scenarios and characters. I'm supposed to dance, I'm supposed to sing because they did. I'm going to go through rocky times, desert times, dry seasons. I'm going to mess up, lie, cheat, steal, fall to my lowest low, because just like God did for them, God will bring me up again. God is the same today as he was then and I forget this so often. I am so blessed to have my life right before my eyes. The blessings, the joy, happiness, and delight along with yes, the pain, suffering, persecution, trials and ultimately growth.

So often I read a book and slow down when I get to the end. Not at all because I'm getting tired of reading it, but rather because I want it to never end. I want it to last. Praise the Lord (!) that His book never ends. That my Book never ends! I don't have to rush through it, because I will surely miss things. But I don't have to slowly drag it out either, because it will always remain and always beckon me to dig deeper. I love it! My Life Book. Completely and Perfect.

Big Sisters

Oh my goodness, God is amazing. I feel overwhelmed tonight with his love for me and my love for him. It's the greatest feeling. Just that feeling of being filled up. Oh Lord I love itttt!
Today was an interesting day, I ended up feeling really really sick earlier in the day. I had a border-line migraine from about 12:00-5:00 and really was not feeling up for anything. I took a nap for a long time, woke up to eat yogurt mill, then went right back to sleep. As a result of eating then sleeping I got this stomach ache that was a drag on top of the nausea from the head ache. And this was a day I have been looking forward to for two weeks. Our last small group at the Aubrey home with Heather Hoffman and Kayla as our leaders. Plus, our favorite big sisters (in Christ), Gale and Lori (who are in their 40's--thus having so much more wisdom than us youngin's) came to eat with us, pray for us, and just hang out. It was so awesome and I would have been devastated had I not made it. But by the Lord's mercy my headache went away (!) although I was still just feeling a bit shaky, nauseous. But compared to what I felt like earlier it was great!
It was sad too, though. I know I hadn't been in the small group as long as all the rest of the girls, but this was an enormously big year for me and I would never ever have grown as much as I have if I had not met these girls and given the opportunity to join the family they'd made for themselves. They were all truly the biggest blessing in my life. To not see them every Friday will be difficult and as Heather was fighting back tears as she announced that she felt God calling her to a different ministry, I think we all shared the fight with her. I know I had a "cry box" in my throat. Shoot.
But the biggest blessing tonight was receiving wisdom, advice, and love from Lori. What an amazing woman of the Lord! During prayer time I went and asked her to pray for me, in particular for guidance when it comes to leadership opportunities (jr. high leader and high school small group leader as well as kids club--a third grade group all to myself...!). I'm struggling with knowing which ones to take and which ones to turn down. I am doing the Jr. High girls group, which I'm excited about. I met my girls tonight and they seem reallly fun! But anyway, Lori just had the words I needed to hear. And as she grabbed my hands I felt power and peace and love. It's still with me and it's so great. We talked about some other things that I likely won't disclose here, and honestly the things we talked about are what really helped me a lot. I just feel better. I feel lighter and more equipped. Ultimately, I just need to go pray. I'm craving time with the Lord right now, but I wanted to get a little of this down before this amazing night leaves me. All in all, I really love big sister nights and the words of wisdom and comfort God gives these women of faith to give to us. So amazing. So beautiful. So, so beautiful.

This is my theme passage of the week, maybe month, maybe year: James 1:2-8 "2Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. 4Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. 5If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. 6But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. 7That man should not think he will receive anything from the Lord; 8he is a double-minded man, unstable in all he does."

Draw Near and Hear Overview

Hey all,
A quick update of my Draw Near and Hear experience:

I had people prophesy over me that I am entering into/already have my foot in the door to a place of rest with the Lord. The man praying over me said he invisioned a featherbed. I know I am already experiencing this. The night before I had been frustrated with the Lord for not physically being present and not revealing things to me regarding my spiritual gifts, etc. He brought up 1 Chronicles 22...which was perfect beyond measure and beyond coincidence. The same couple praying over me brought up teaching and that they were receiving from God that I should teach young people. Wow. In just the last month I've let go of that idea and entered into editing/publishing but now the Lord is telling me he liked my first plan better? I kept doubting it, so I changed my career pathway. But maybe teaching is what I'm supposed to do. They said my spiritual gift is discernment, which I know I have had, yet I've been missing the reality that it is of the spiritual realm. So that was uplifting. The next couple who prayed over me kept saying there will be power coming from my mouth, and that a new sense of creativity will spring forth from me; that I need to protect myself, because I'm powerful. And to know that my heart is, indeed, aligned with the Lord's even if I don't think so a lot of the time (which is true). And he delights in that. That he's proud of me. They held truth as well. I have a real hard time with thinking the Lord is ever proud of me. That I delight him. I have a better time just serving him and doing what he says but not thinking that I am actually making him smile, making him happy. I guess that's not much of a relationship the way I had been thinking about it. So, that was, as well, really good.
Tonight Bill Wilson spoke and that man is amaaaazing. I decided to really step out, commit three years of my life to the jr. high girl's small group ministry tonight. It'll be time consuming, it'll make me feel more stressed and strung thin...but it doesn't matter how I feel. Bill said, "The ability to Finish is only acheived when your commitment is stronger than your emotions". The Lord didn't feel like dying for us...it hurt him. But he was commited. This commitment I am going to make is so much smaller, and it will bless me and I will bless those girls, God willing :) . This will be a good time. And I will be at rest, too.
Jesse reminded me tonight that I'm only seventeen, I have a lot of life left to live and I can't let myself be discouraged because I don't have all kinds of spiritual experience yet. I just officially started going to Foothills six months ago for Heaven's sake...I'm doing fine. But I'm not satisfied. I want more. Still. And it's an exciting ride.

Making Plans

Life has been a little unsettled lately--nothing major or bad...just, changing, again. In the next few days I have to make a decision about some commitments, in terms of school and ministry opportunities, that will shape the next year of my life-dun, dun, dun. No, I'm actually excited and prayyyying that tonight God will reveal his plan for the next year as well as some other things I've had on my heart for a bit now. At Foothills they are holding a three day conference, starting off tonight, called "Draw Near and Hear". Basically it's an intense time of worship and opportunity for us, as there will be many people with prophetic spiritual gifts, there to pray over us and talk with us. I've never been and I don't know the details yet, but I hear it's intense and the Holy Spirit will without doubt be very real and present. I'm anxious and excited and hopeful all at the same time!
This has truly been a month of spiritual growth and I am so loving it and feeling so much closer to the Lord it's amazing. In the next few days I really pray I take more leaps of faith and step out and praise the Lord.
Alright, more updating later! Happy Friday? :P