This is the stupidest (w/c? hahh) blog ever lately.
It's all about me.
And you know why?
Because I was feeling fake...or something like that.
I started looking through all my old things, reminiscing on the person I used to be and feeling like I was cheating myself. Like I'd strayed too far from the person I really am.
But that person was never the person I wanted to be in the first place. The person I am now, the leader, the God follower, a prayer warrior, a vessel, a testimony, a changed person. New-- reborn, and improved--by God's restoration. That is the person woman I have always wanted to be. I need growth still and will forever...but I do not need to retreat because I'm changing.
In the past few days I've really realized some things. It's funny how someone can say something and not know how much you relate to them, or how much, in that simple idea or experience, your eyes have opened to see your own self and circumstances in a new light.
I was on my way to prayer on Tuesday and thinking of all the things I really needed prayer for, but which ones I would actually say. I decided that all my problems are likely spawned from one: My devotions and alone time with the Lord have been lacking. I have been so tired lately when I have the house to myself that I am lazy and nap. I have been hit with so many headaches lately that when it comes time to do my devotions at night, I can't focus on the physical words, much less generate any emotions or spiritual strengthening from them. Do I rebuke the headaches? Well no, I'm too tired, of course. Is that the biggest cop out ever? Well yes, of course. Anyway, I'm going too indepth here. I made my way to prayer and met up with Sammie who, true to form, had the same prayer request as me. Her devotions and alone time with God, as mine, were pathetic. Then she said it...she felt disgusting. Dirty. Ugly. Gross. Hey, I thought to myself, I feel that way too. Hey, I thought again, as puzzle pieces collided and a fuzzy picture came into focus, it all started when I stopped pursuing the Lord as fully. When I got busy. When my schedule changed. When I took that baby step away from my Jesus to focus on other things that, while they are important, can and never should be as important as the Lord.
Jesus is perfect, beauty, light. He is in me, reflected outward. When I am in his presence. Whilst I had stepped away the beauty faded. As the beauty faded I began to feel worse. It got darker, yes. And the darkness is simply depressing. I receded. More beauty left me. The light grew dimmer. I was left with ugliness. Guiltiness at not being able to be everything. Failure. Didn't I remember there is no condemnation for those in Jesus Christ. But then, hadn't I stepped out of Him. Wasn't I, then, vulnerable, unarmed, to attack by the Enemy's condemnation, lies, and deception which I then allowed to penetrate and dictate my actions. Malarkey.
There will be valleys and mountains and learning experiences. I have had an experience and it has been illustrated for me. Unfortunately I am a visual learner. I can see all these things happening, in the aftermath. But initially, I did not see them panning out as they would. As they, now have, of course, and yes, the Lord uses it for His good. Because He is Good.
It's all about me.
And you know why?
Because I was feeling fake...or something like that.
I started looking through all my old things, reminiscing on the person I used to be and feeling like I was cheating myself. Like I'd strayed too far from the person I really am.
But that person was never the person I wanted to be in the first place. The person I am now, the leader, the God follower, a prayer warrior, a vessel, a testimony, a changed person. New-- reborn, and improved--by God's restoration. That is the person woman I have always wanted to be. I need growth still and will forever...but I do not need to retreat because I'm changing.
In the past few days I've really realized some things. It's funny how someone can say something and not know how much you relate to them, or how much, in that simple idea or experience, your eyes have opened to see your own self and circumstances in a new light.
I was on my way to prayer on Tuesday and thinking of all the things I really needed prayer for, but which ones I would actually say. I decided that all my problems are likely spawned from one: My devotions and alone time with the Lord have been lacking. I have been so tired lately when I have the house to myself that I am lazy and nap. I have been hit with so many headaches lately that when it comes time to do my devotions at night, I can't focus on the physical words, much less generate any emotions or spiritual strengthening from them. Do I rebuke the headaches? Well no, I'm too tired, of course. Is that the biggest cop out ever? Well yes, of course. Anyway, I'm going too indepth here. I made my way to prayer and met up with Sammie who, true to form, had the same prayer request as me. Her devotions and alone time with God, as mine, were pathetic. Then she said it...she felt disgusting. Dirty. Ugly. Gross. Hey, I thought to myself, I feel that way too. Hey, I thought again, as puzzle pieces collided and a fuzzy picture came into focus, it all started when I stopped pursuing the Lord as fully. When I got busy. When my schedule changed. When I took that baby step away from my Jesus to focus on other things that, while they are important, can and never should be as important as the Lord.
Jesus is perfect, beauty, light. He is in me, reflected outward. When I am in his presence. Whilst I had stepped away the beauty faded. As the beauty faded I began to feel worse. It got darker, yes. And the darkness is simply depressing. I receded. More beauty left me. The light grew dimmer. I was left with ugliness. Guiltiness at not being able to be everything. Failure. Didn't I remember there is no condemnation for those in Jesus Christ. But then, hadn't I stepped out of Him. Wasn't I, then, vulnerable, unarmed, to attack by the Enemy's condemnation, lies, and deception which I then allowed to penetrate and dictate my actions. Malarkey.
There will be valleys and mountains and learning experiences. I have had an experience and it has been illustrated for me. Unfortunately I am a visual learner. I can see all these things happening, in the aftermath. But initially, I did not see them panning out as they would. As they, now have, of course, and yes, the Lord uses it for His good. Because He is Good.
Steven Curtis Chapman God Follower Lyrics
My heart is restless as I wander through this jungle
The trees above refuse to let the sunlight through
And somewhere deep inside I hear the whispered longings
That tell me I was made for more than this
A blinding flash of light falls down into the darkness
Slowly I notice strange new markings on the trail
The crimson drops are calling out to me come and follow
"I am the God who made you, let Me show you how to live"
And I cry…
I want to be a God follower
I want to go wherever He leads
I want to be a God follower
I want to walk the trail He’s marked for me
And be a God follower
(More than anything)
And now I journey on with purpose and with passion
Just like a dead man who’s been given breath again
And though this path can still grow dark with tears and sorrow
I know He will never leave me
So with everything I am I will say…
And when I reach God’s place
I will look into His face
And then I’ll look for you
Will I find you there?
Can you say with me…
I want to be a God follower
I want to be a God follower
I want to be a God follower
I want to be a God follower
The trees above refuse to let the sunlight through
And somewhere deep inside I hear the whispered longings
That tell me I was made for more than this
A blinding flash of light falls down into the darkness
Slowly I notice strange new markings on the trail
The crimson drops are calling out to me come and follow
"I am the God who made you, let Me show you how to live"
And I cry…
I want to be a God follower
I want to go wherever He leads
I want to be a God follower
I want to walk the trail He’s marked for me
And be a God follower
(More than anything)
And now I journey on with purpose and with passion
Just like a dead man who’s been given breath again
And though this path can still grow dark with tears and sorrow
I know He will never leave me
So with everything I am I will say…
And when I reach God’s place
I will look into His face
And then I’ll look for you
Will I find you there?
Can you say with me…
I want to be a God follower
I want to be a God follower
I want to be a God follower
I want to be a God follower
No comments:
Post a Comment