So much to do....

I want to do so much. And yet I have no idea what to do.
Life is fast approaching. On one hand I feel like I have to start making decisions. On the other hand I just want to push them under the rug for as much longer as possible...those awkward things I keep stepping on but am just too lazy to pick up and sort out and place in their rightful places. I don't want to decide whether those dreams I happen to prance upon from time to time might have to go to the trash bin or might be more proudly displayed on the actual path of my life instead of hidden under a (shag) rug.
I've thought I wanted to teach for a while now. But perhaps it's a cop out. It's easy...something that will be waiting when I get out of college. I'll know where to go to get a job. Some district out there. I'll have benefits, retirement. But I don't want to settle because I'm scared of going to college and not knowing what I'm going to do with my life afterward.
I'm the kind of gal who makes lists, you know. The kind who sticks to the list just because it's a list. And if I made the list, that girl, the one in the past, she had to have known what she was thinking, therefore, the list is set in stone, the list is absolutely positively, and unswervingly correct and I have got to follow it. Even if, while that girl was making the list, she said to herself, "I must have forgotten something". I have this mindset that if it's on the list, I cannot stray. I think I have psycological issues. I'm partly kidding...
College is on my list...as is having a plan in general. But maybe I don't have a plan. Maybe I don't know where I'm going to end up. I was dead set on going straight to SDSU and now I don't even know the state of my acceptance. I was dead set on getting a job in the library, but maybe I don't want to stick around school any longer than I have too. Maybe I have no clue what I'm doing....and maybe that's the point. Maybe I don't need my list. Maybe.
Had I gotten accepted last month, like most of my friends, I wouldn't be thinking about this right now. I feel like I have come out of my shell even more this past month and discovered things about myself that I may not have. If I would have gotten accepted right away I would have focused entirely on school and been driven to get in and get everything over with. But now I'm branching out...opening up new ideas in my mind. It's scary and so foreign.
I want to write, this is true. But maybe I like writing songs and poetry more than writing essays. Maybe I don't want to teach. Maybe I'm not passionate about it. Would you like to know what I want to do?
I want to be a publisher. I want to publish my grandmother's book of poems, Nubbins, that she no longer has the energy to see published for herself. I want to write songs and learn how to play the guitar better, and the piano. I want to open up my own cafe and make my own ceramic coffee cups, bowls, and plates, and hand paint them in all sorts of fun styles. I want to sell an eclectic mix of books in a room right off the cafe. I want to sew bags and spend time creating new, fun, exciting, better designs. I want to spend a few hours making simple dress patterns in fun patterns with patches and things and maybe someone would buy one someday. I want to make jewelry; earrings, necklaces, braclets, and wooden things. I want to write books. I want to be a graphic designer and create banners and posters and covers and random, neat, creative things for people. I want everything to be earthy and me. I want to be passionate. I want not to be constrained and confined to societies ideas of success and happiness. I want to be completely random and successful because I am passionate. And I want to do all things through Him. The funny thing is...all these things I want to do...the things that are simply on my "dream" list. They could all possibly tie together someday. I could be random and passionate and it could, theoretically, really work.
I still don't know what to do.
Right now, since I had a 45 minute nap, two consecutive grande starbucks drinks, and teramasu (sp?) and am thusfore wideawake....I will draw out some potential dress and purse patterns before reading, and then going to bed.

What do you want to do with your life?