Color

I have been realizing lately that my life really lacks color and brown can be just so plain and mundane and the same day after day and it's getting dreadfully boring and gloomy and depressing. I tried to find something colorful to wear today and all that I could really find was a too-tight tied-died quarter length sleeved shirt. So I wore it for a bit, then felt constrained (but in color!) and swapped it for a bright red work out shirt and went to the gym.

I'm doing the 365 project. Just on my own...not joining a nifty-net group or anything...just for fun, and because Lauren is and she's motivating me to actually try and accomplish it. Is it bad if I don't think I'll be able to do it and it's only day...3? hah! But, my goal, I have decided, at least for this month (it's still basically a fresh new month) is to capture color.


After deciding this I walked around my house, looking for all things color and all I found was taupe. It is so sad. So very drab and so very sadddd. I have let my mother's love of brown and her love for all things toned down and quiet to overtake my love for color, for brightness. I used to have a perriwinkle painted bedroom with lime green and bright yellow and orange accents. What happened to her? She got lost in a long line of endless shades of brown and dull tans and taupe. No more I say, I will rise above the colorless hue I live in. I will see things differently and bring forth that bright light hiding in the recesses of this home and this world. Yep. It's my goal.


Well...this month at least.


(:

And it's funny, because this will be overcoming a fear. Perhaps. Or I will fail at this months goal and fail, most likely at the 365 Project. I get so anxious when taking pictures when people might see. Like I'm not doing something right, I have a crappy camera, I'm just a poser, etc. I feel stupid. So maybe I will get used to it. Maybe I will grow out of it and then maybe I will be okay.
Okay. Haha what a funny word. Anyway...

Tonight I realized, at The Approach--a worship/prayer event, that I worry so much about not being enough of some particular thing in general (like that...it was kind of oxymoronical...particular....general...). I get this feeling like I should be all or nothing at everything I do. A radical man. If I sing, I should really start playing shows and making cds and writing more. If I take pictures, I should really buy a high dollar camera and learn a thing or two and be really good. If I dress like a hippie I shouldn't wear make-up or shower or shave or eat meat or support capital punishment and I shouldn't ever, ever put styrofoam in the recycle bin. If I love God enough I should just do everything and anything I can get my hands on to prove that I'm on the right track, that I'm making a difference, that I'm reaching more people than the other person over there, in the corner, alone, who doesn't even know Him. Yada yada. I always think I should be more of something and less of something else (the something that I actually am at that time). But I'm realizing, I realized tonight that I'm a balance. I'm not extreme and God didn't wire me that way, perhaps. Or maybe I haven't found that thing that I'm supposed to be extreme about yet. Or maybe I won't. Maybe who knows. Maybe I'm pretty decent and even a little good at a lot things and just because I'm not a professional or radical that maybe I'm just me and that's okay because that's how God made me. Maybe that's okay.
Okay.

I'm done (:



Good day