Mistakes

I don't want to be a woman who knows a lot about what's right and better in life as a result of experiences doing wrong and bad things that have taught me a lesson. I want to look back on my life and give encouraging and positive advice on the basis of knowing what is right because it has worked for me...not knowing something is wrong because it has worked against me. Does that make any sense?
In short, I don't want to learn the hard way, perhaps.
Today I went to Starbucks with an old friend, Tommy. Man, we have a ton of memories, hardships, and humorous and complex circumstances that we've been through together in the 13(!) years we've known eachother. Wow...that's quite a while, hadn't realized that. At any rate, it was great to sit around and laugh our heads off and say some things without even having to say anything at all because we just knew what we'd been through and how hilarious it was. I love that. And it encourages me. That there are people out there and future people who I will be able to sit around and just be myself with and talk about life with...being sarcastic, funny, deep, spiritual, and serious all at the same time. I was beginning to think that that kind of relationship/friendship didn't exist for me anymore and wouldn't ever again. But it does and will and it's great.

On another note, summer is four days officially over. College classes start on Monday, so it's just half days this week, but still--summer is kaput. Well, this is the last year before life happens...hah!

Attack

I've had numerous people prophesy over me that I have a heart of God...a heart intertwined with the Father's. And also that I have to believe this, because sometimes I don't. Often times I don't, actually. I think that my heart is so far from God's and it's just my feelings doing the talking or writing. So I don't talk much and I'm embarrassed and scared to sing my songs, write my books, and share my thoughts with people. But if I have the heart of God beating in my chest and producing truths...the enemy is not going to dig that! In fact, he'll try to do anything to not let God's heart be released in this world.
I'm, we're, under attack everyday. And sometimes I get weak and fall, stumble, can't seem to muster strength enough to flee. But we're under attack because we're a part of something so powerful and amazing. And that ought to be worth fighting for.

I took a walk this morning, a prayerwalk. It was so excited. I feel good and energized, but refreshed in spirit as well. I was sitting in my room this morning wondering if I should go on a prayerwalk or not, my parents were still asleep and I couldn't do much till then but I was being lazy...then it hit me. If I don't do anything, make time for God, how am I expected to receive him and what he has to reveal to me and do in my life? So I went and it was good.

EDIT
I took my car into the shop yesterday because it was making funny sounds, like an airplane going over head, when I braked. Well, they just called and said it's going to be $800. Now I know my parents don't just have $800 lying around so I really need some prayers here. Atleast that I can find a job soon and repay my parents in time. Plus making my car payment as it is. I probably wouldn't have taken this so well had I not gone on my prayerwalk this morning. Hah, funny :) Anyway, prayers much needed and appreciated.
Have a great Saturday

Flashback

"The picture on the veil I see is flat
It hides my eyes behind it's lies
That this all I'm supposed to be
Uncover me--
Give me eyes to see Your reality
All I'm really missing out on
Sweet beauty--
Truth unfold Yourself
As You unravel this blinding veil
Give me clarity
Restore my sight
And breathe Your breath of life
In me
Sweet release
Bring Your freedom"
8.2.07

Have you ever had flashbacks of your life. You're just standing somewhere and a vision of the past pops up in your head? It's happened a lot this past week or two. Not good flashbacks though. Feelings of being alone and tired and on the edge of two worlds. But mainly I find that all these flashbacks are silent. Other people talk, but I'm always silent. Maybe it means something. Maybe not.
Today was a good day :) Jr. High group went well...except I felt awful all day and was seriously wondering if I was going to make it at all. Seeing the girls was an encouragement though. It hit me today, as it does at so many random points in my life, that God is so much bigger than me. That he cares is amazing. But I also realized that I am a part of something, something extraordinary. Something that, in and of itself, sets me apart, causes people to do a double-take. I can't steal the glory from my God. He deserves it, when I am so small.
I was in Michael's today, buying a drawing pad and pencils (I've started sketching again and rekindled a lost love!), but I was at the check out line and couldn't help staring at this woman with three young children. She was average height and so thin. Too thin. I didn't take note of her because she was glowing, because she was a good mom, because she had a good character and had the heart of God on her sleeve. No. I noticed her for worldly reasons. I don't want to be that person. I want to exude God's grace, goodness, beauty...the list goes on! God sent his Son...a perfect imitation of himself and he sent him having, "...no beauty or majesty to attract us to him, nothing in his appearance that we should desire him," (Isaiah 53). And people, yes, rejected Him, but also flocked to Him and follow Him still today. Not for how He looked, but how He simply was all that is good. And yeah, I was created in God's image, thus the image of Jesus, if he is the exact representation of God...so yes, I'm not perfect on the outside, I'm not supposed to be. The inside is what counts. And my oh my have I gone off on all the trains of thought racing through my head wildly...all trying to reach the single station that answers the question Who am I and what am I supposed to do with my past and future? Interesting. I just want to be seen by the world as this woman describes her friend: "At the time I first saw Jennifer, I simply would have told you something was wonderfully different about her...she had a knowing in her eyes that seemed unusual for one her age...I know now that I was seeing Jennifer not so differently from how Jennifer sees most all of the time--with eyes of the Spirit. I saw the invisible hand of God on her. And I have never failed to see it since." (Beth Moore from her Foreword in Jennifer Rothschild's book Lessons I Learned in the Dark) I want God to be written so deeply on the tablet of my heart that it can't help but rub off on the outside and spill out. I don't want pain, sorrow, sickness, and frailty to be written on my face. I want the supernatural light, strength, and beauty of the Lord.

Casting Crowns new music:

This is exactly how I feel this week, month, year, two years...but especially early this morning as I layed awake at 3:30am and never went back to sleep. And later this morning when I went for a walk and felt like I was floating...caffeine, lack of sleep, low iron (?). Then I get in my car at 6:30am and hear this song for the first time and almost cry.

"East to West"
Here I am Lord and I’m drowning
In Your sea of forgetfulness
The chains of yesterday surround me
I yearn for peace and rest
I don’t want to end up where You found me
And it echoes in my mind
Keeps me awake tonight

I know You’ve cast my sin as far
As the East is from the West
And I stand before You now
As though I’ve never sinned
But today I feel like I’m just one mistake away
From You leaving me this way

Jesus, can You show me just how far the East is from the West?
Cause I can’t bear to see the man I’ve been
Rising up in me again
In the arms of Your mercy I find rest
You know just how far the East is from the West
From one scarred hand to the other

I start the day, the war begins
Endless reminding of my sin
And time and time again
Your truth is drowned out by the storm I’m in
Today I feel like I’m just one mistake away
From You leaving me this way

Jesus, can You show me just how far the East is from the West?
Cause I can’t bear to see the man I’ve been
Come rising up in me again
In the arms of Your mercy I find rest
Cause You know just how far the East is from the West
From one scarred hand to the other

I know You’ve washed me white
Turned my darkness into light
I need Your peace to get me through
To get me through this night
I can’t live by what I feel
About the truth Your word reveals
And I’m not holding onto You
But You’re holding onto me
You’re holding onto me

Jesus, You know just how far the East is from the West
I don't have to see the man I’ve been
Come rising up in me again
In the arms of Your mercy I find rest (mercy I find rest)
You know just how far the East is from the West
From one scarred hand to the other

(Just how far, the East is from the West, Just how far)
From one scarred hand to the other
(You know just how far, the East is from the West, Just how far)
From one scarred hand to the other


God is bigger than my issues.

Note to self:

I really like the name Grayson...

Perfection

So I'm having a funky day. I just don't feel good. I'm questioning a lot of things, doubting a lot of things and people and myself. I don't like this feeling. At all. It's this, cloud.
So I sat down with my guitar and started playing the basics, G D Em C...
and words came. And it was great and brought me to tears a few times. It's a simple song. But it's really just what I needed today:



I'm the painting on the fridge
The drawing
Colors out of lines--an endless story
Of a mess

And You Lord, You're
the Mother, the Father
Who adore it.

Lord You,
Turn imperfection around
Into perfect pictures of perfection

To You,
It's a masterpiece in the making
I'm a masterpiece of God's creating

You say, "Hey can't you just see
I delight in you
I'm so proud of you,
My son, my daughter"

Lord You,
Turn imperfection around
Into perfect pictures of perfection

And You take the songs of my heart
and even when they're out of key
You love me
You love me
And that, that's true beauty.

Wow

Okay, so God is so good. I'm laughing thinking about it, actually.

The last few days I have spent with Allie we have talked a bit about her mentor Gail and how much I like Gail's best friend, Laurie. So tonight Allie asked Gail to talk to Laurie about maybe the two of us getting together and talking once in a while. I was getting ready for church tonight, thinking about it and her and wondering if I'd done the right thing but ultimately, I just gave it to the Lord. If it wasn't meant to be, it wouldn't happen.

So I went to church with my family and it was still in the back of my mind. But, I'm not going to lie, I just feel kind of held back when I worship around my family, like they're scrutinizing me when I just let go and worship because all my life I've been so reserved and quiet. Anyway, today's message, given by Dave Hoffman, was about getting over it. Humbling yourself, admitting that you need the Lord, and going for it, seeking Him all the way. There was one worship song before Dave invited people to come down to get prayer, and lo-and-behold, it was Fall On Me, a song by Rita Springer that acutally reminds me of Laurie on account of Rita Springer reminds me of her and the song itself reminds me of small group. Well, after that I went forward and got prayer and I forgot who prayed for me. But she did well :) Then I went and knelt down at the altar and just gave everything up to God, as I have to do daily since I so just want to control everything! When I was walking back, nearly in tears, who do I see sitting in the row behind me but Laurie Ibanez. She waved at me and I waved back and then fought tears as I worshiped the Lord and was taken aback at how Good he Is! After the service I went up to her and flat out asked if there was anyway she would be interested in meeting once in a while here and there, as she put it, "when you need an old person...I get it!" haha How great! So I got her phone number and she told me to call any time at all that I wanted to talk or get together or pray, even over the phone. That's pretty awesome and God is Great :)

I leave for Big Bear tomorrow and this is an awesome way to leave, at peace with everything, knowing I have everyone I need to back me up, including Jesus.

Oh, but Allie, Layne and I still need a small group adult leader for next year. So if anyone feels led to pray for that, we would all greatly appreciate it!

The Ocean, The Lord.

Today I went to the beach with over twenty teens from Foothills. Somehow, between Jesse and I, we all managed to invite people and they actually came. We played all day, then had a bonfire and some really good worship, led by Jean (he's my new favorite, even though I don't really have favorites per say haha!). Only about oh, ten or so, people stayed for worship. But it was amazing. Truly. Some guys ended up coming up to us and asking what we were doing with the music and arms and hands raised. He probably thought we were a cult or something...but one of the guys took care of him I think. Anyway, earlier in the day I was sitting on the beach wondering why people come. It's rather comical to look up and down the shore and see all the bodies, doing the same types of things. But why? I came home and wrote a letter to God because I think I found my answer.

Lord,
Thank you for your ocean, your beaches, and shores. It’s funny, though, how people are drawn to them. Why? Why do people come in hordes to the beach. It’s almost like they’re expecting something. They come, they claim a spot, they relax, they play, they expect. But what do they expect? They desire the heat of the sun, warming their cold bones. They desire nice tanned skin to make them feel better, healthier, more active. They are drawn to the ocean’s peacefulness, and at the same time, its power. The ocean is beautiful, romantic, captivating. It’s something you can sit and look at all day and still find yourself in awe of its power, its unexpectedness, its changing tides. And people are drawn to this. Funny, it’s almost…spiritual.
You created the ocean, the beaches, and shores. And I thank you for shining your light, love, and grace, through it. If people were just drawn to you they would feel your light warming their cold bones, they would feel your breath of life making them healthy and desiring to actively seek you. They would feel a deep peace as they hand over their work, life, school, and desires, to you and give you control, because you are more powerful than them, than us. If we were drawn to you like we are to the ocean, we would find that you are fully captivating, fully romantic and beautiful beyond measure. Someone we can sit with all day, or our whole lives and just be with, talk to, experience, and be blessed by the changing circumstances that come our way.
People are drawn to you and don’t even realize it. The things they love, crave, and desire, are all in you. And it’s something they can carry with them always, if they would just come to your shores of grace and receive.

The Life Book

Alright, so as I was journaling my conversation with Lori in my personal journal last night I remembered some things that I think might be prevalent to everyone. It's one of those things that I've heard forever but never really grasped and appreciated until now. So, so many things have been like that lately. I feel like, as a result of growing up in a Christian home, I have become numb and desensitized to certain things so stressed in the church because of its importance, yet they just became "normal" and I never really took the time to understand the truths spoken to me.

What I realized last night will change my perspective when I read the Bible. All Lori had to say was, "You know the Bible is your life, right?" She went further and explained that everything in there I should experience in my life in order to be complete. It's my life. All the trials, blessings, worship, everything in there is my life played out for me with different scenarios and characters. I'm supposed to dance, I'm supposed to sing because they did. I'm going to go through rocky times, desert times, dry seasons. I'm going to mess up, lie, cheat, steal, fall to my lowest low, because just like God did for them, God will bring me up again. God is the same today as he was then and I forget this so often. I am so blessed to have my life right before my eyes. The blessings, the joy, happiness, and delight along with yes, the pain, suffering, persecution, trials and ultimately growth.

So often I read a book and slow down when I get to the end. Not at all because I'm getting tired of reading it, but rather because I want it to never end. I want it to last. Praise the Lord (!) that His book never ends. That my Book never ends! I don't have to rush through it, because I will surely miss things. But I don't have to slowly drag it out either, because it will always remain and always beckon me to dig deeper. I love it! My Life Book. Completely and Perfect.

Big Sisters

Oh my goodness, God is amazing. I feel overwhelmed tonight with his love for me and my love for him. It's the greatest feeling. Just that feeling of being filled up. Oh Lord I love itttt!
Today was an interesting day, I ended up feeling really really sick earlier in the day. I had a border-line migraine from about 12:00-5:00 and really was not feeling up for anything. I took a nap for a long time, woke up to eat yogurt mill, then went right back to sleep. As a result of eating then sleeping I got this stomach ache that was a drag on top of the nausea from the head ache. And this was a day I have been looking forward to for two weeks. Our last small group at the Aubrey home with Heather Hoffman and Kayla as our leaders. Plus, our favorite big sisters (in Christ), Gale and Lori (who are in their 40's--thus having so much more wisdom than us youngin's) came to eat with us, pray for us, and just hang out. It was so awesome and I would have been devastated had I not made it. But by the Lord's mercy my headache went away (!) although I was still just feeling a bit shaky, nauseous. But compared to what I felt like earlier it was great!
It was sad too, though. I know I hadn't been in the small group as long as all the rest of the girls, but this was an enormously big year for me and I would never ever have grown as much as I have if I had not met these girls and given the opportunity to join the family they'd made for themselves. They were all truly the biggest blessing in my life. To not see them every Friday will be difficult and as Heather was fighting back tears as she announced that she felt God calling her to a different ministry, I think we all shared the fight with her. I know I had a "cry box" in my throat. Shoot.
But the biggest blessing tonight was receiving wisdom, advice, and love from Lori. What an amazing woman of the Lord! During prayer time I went and asked her to pray for me, in particular for guidance when it comes to leadership opportunities (jr. high leader and high school small group leader as well as kids club--a third grade group all to myself...!). I'm struggling with knowing which ones to take and which ones to turn down. I am doing the Jr. High girls group, which I'm excited about. I met my girls tonight and they seem reallly fun! But anyway, Lori just had the words I needed to hear. And as she grabbed my hands I felt power and peace and love. It's still with me and it's so great. We talked about some other things that I likely won't disclose here, and honestly the things we talked about are what really helped me a lot. I just feel better. I feel lighter and more equipped. Ultimately, I just need to go pray. I'm craving time with the Lord right now, but I wanted to get a little of this down before this amazing night leaves me. All in all, I really love big sister nights and the words of wisdom and comfort God gives these women of faith to give to us. So amazing. So beautiful. So, so beautiful.

This is my theme passage of the week, maybe month, maybe year: James 1:2-8 "2Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. 4Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. 5If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. 6But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. 7That man should not think he will receive anything from the Lord; 8he is a double-minded man, unstable in all he does."

Draw Near and Hear Overview

Hey all,
A quick update of my Draw Near and Hear experience:

I had people prophesy over me that I am entering into/already have my foot in the door to a place of rest with the Lord. The man praying over me said he invisioned a featherbed. I know I am already experiencing this. The night before I had been frustrated with the Lord for not physically being present and not revealing things to me regarding my spiritual gifts, etc. He brought up 1 Chronicles 22...which was perfect beyond measure and beyond coincidence. The same couple praying over me brought up teaching and that they were receiving from God that I should teach young people. Wow. In just the last month I've let go of that idea and entered into editing/publishing but now the Lord is telling me he liked my first plan better? I kept doubting it, so I changed my career pathway. But maybe teaching is what I'm supposed to do. They said my spiritual gift is discernment, which I know I have had, yet I've been missing the reality that it is of the spiritual realm. So that was uplifting. The next couple who prayed over me kept saying there will be power coming from my mouth, and that a new sense of creativity will spring forth from me; that I need to protect myself, because I'm powerful. And to know that my heart is, indeed, aligned with the Lord's even if I don't think so a lot of the time (which is true). And he delights in that. That he's proud of me. They held truth as well. I have a real hard time with thinking the Lord is ever proud of me. That I delight him. I have a better time just serving him and doing what he says but not thinking that I am actually making him smile, making him happy. I guess that's not much of a relationship the way I had been thinking about it. So, that was, as well, really good.
Tonight Bill Wilson spoke and that man is amaaaazing. I decided to really step out, commit three years of my life to the jr. high girl's small group ministry tonight. It'll be time consuming, it'll make me feel more stressed and strung thin...but it doesn't matter how I feel. Bill said, "The ability to Finish is only acheived when your commitment is stronger than your emotions". The Lord didn't feel like dying for us...it hurt him. But he was commited. This commitment I am going to make is so much smaller, and it will bless me and I will bless those girls, God willing :) . This will be a good time. And I will be at rest, too.
Jesse reminded me tonight that I'm only seventeen, I have a lot of life left to live and I can't let myself be discouraged because I don't have all kinds of spiritual experience yet. I just officially started going to Foothills six months ago for Heaven's sake...I'm doing fine. But I'm not satisfied. I want more. Still. And it's an exciting ride.

Making Plans

Life has been a little unsettled lately--nothing major or bad...just, changing, again. In the next few days I have to make a decision about some commitments, in terms of school and ministry opportunities, that will shape the next year of my life-dun, dun, dun. No, I'm actually excited and prayyyying that tonight God will reveal his plan for the next year as well as some other things I've had on my heart for a bit now. At Foothills they are holding a three day conference, starting off tonight, called "Draw Near and Hear". Basically it's an intense time of worship and opportunity for us, as there will be many people with prophetic spiritual gifts, there to pray over us and talk with us. I've never been and I don't know the details yet, but I hear it's intense and the Holy Spirit will without doubt be very real and present. I'm anxious and excited and hopeful all at the same time!
This has truly been a month of spiritual growth and I am so loving it and feeling so much closer to the Lord it's amazing. In the next few days I really pray I take more leaps of faith and step out and praise the Lord.
Alright, more updating later! Happy Friday? :P

College Trip to San Francisco

Alright, so I got back from the College Trip last night and wow, I was not expecting it to be some amazing religious experience/revelation. But I feel like I completely grew in faith and character as a result of going.

I don't know if I have time or want to disclose here everything that happened in my head and heart but I'll still write and post losts of pictures. Overall it was a really fun and exciting time! I haven't really been to a big city or anywhere, really, like Santa Cruz/San Francisco and the surrounding areas.


But first, let's start with Saturday.

Saturday:

I got done packing and went to went to Barnes & Noble to get a good book, because I love to read on vacations. After searching and searching I finally found a book my mentor, Jenny, had suggested, Searching for God Knows What by Donald Miller. Then I went to church with my mom for the Saturday evening service instead of the Junior/Senior prom at the Bahia. Pastor Mark gave an amazing sermon about accepting the places God puts you in. Accepting the negative circumstances that result in disobedience, yet still allowing God to bless you in these times. The message just filled me up and gave me peace about my trip...like a good meal before leaving for a journey. I knew this trip would be interesting, I didn't know if I would be any good at protecting my time and devotions with the Lord for three days. I really needed some encouragment and I got it!

Sunday:
I woke up around 5:30, got ready, and headed to the airport with my dad. I've only been on a plane two other times, so I'm not airport or take-off savvy and I was a bit nervous about the flight, I'll have to say. But the take off and then landing was perfect so I really had nothing to worry about. The view was stellar and I liked it a lot.

When we arrived in San Jose we drove to Monterey to visit the Monterey Bay Aquarium which was pretty fun! It was really nice of Stephanie to plan little fun excursions here and there besides colleges. After about two hours, give or take a bit, we got to our hotel and I have to say I was a bit nervous at the area and real appearance of the hotel...it was really small. But everything worked out fine and I honestly enjoyed it a lot! About a minute from the hotel was the beach:

and then the board walk, with two or three roller coasters, bumper cars, miniature golf, and various places to eat and shop. We ate dinner at this little hole in the wall Mexican place...and I, for one, forgot we were in more of Northern California and quite a ways from the border. In other words, I didn't think anything was amazing and our rolled tacos frankly bit the big one. But Flick got a lot of burrito for his money:

Then we went shopping, I bought a Santa Cruz sweatshirt and Flick bought a Wilson volleyball with the Wilson handprint from Castaway on it. We went to the courts and messed around. I have to say I have not laughed so hard for a while. It was quite a work out and I was so tired.

But after telling everyone else how much fun it was, they all wanted to go for a late night session. We ended up staying down at the beach from around 6:00 till exactly 10:00 (our curfew) playing volleyball. The next morning y forearms were bruised. I haven't played vball since freshman year...ouch!

So after we got back to the hotel Stephanie came in andmade sure we were back from la playa and then told us lights out at 11:00, but until then we could do whatever we wanted on the premises, as long as we were behaved and quite--as there were actually other guests probably trying to sleep, though I'm not sure many kids got that :P

A group of the guys and girls all went upstairs to one of the girl's rooms to have a "dance party"...and I don't know what the heck they were doing but it sounded like elephants up there!! I opted out and decided to stay in the room Kayla and I shared to protect my time with the Lord. I have to say that was one of the best times I've had in my devotions and it was so much better than seeing some of the guys from class put on girls' pants and girls' bathing suit tops, though I'm sure that was hilarious :P haha.

After 11:00 when the girls came back in we had some interesting conversations to say the least and I got to know Amanda and Kayla even more than I already know them which was awesome too!

Monday:

I woke up around 7:00 to Stephanie's wake-up call and we all piled on the bus and went to Berkley and San Francisco State University.

I realized at Berkley that I really don't like the city at all. It drives me nuts and it's dirty and I just don't care for it whatsoever. But as I was walking through it, sickened by the people and the filth, I was kind of caught by this question: "Would you go here if I asked you to. They need help, too." Ouch. I got scared. The idea of me, a Christian conservative little girl, going up to this guy or that woman, with a completely liberal mindset was so frightening. But could I do it? Would I do it? I guess I would. But Lord, I'd rather not. And it wasn't like I felt him telling me to go to Berkley. It was just that I was walking through Telegraph Street completely disgusted and wanting to leave and reality hit causing me to see that those were still God's children and those people still needed him, they were still lost and he still cared and what right did I have completely bashing the place.

We got lost miserably on our way to San Francisco State University. The tension on the bus was high and I read a lot.

We also visited Santa Cruz University the next day, as well as San Jose State. Or something like that...it's been a week or so since we've been back and the facts are getting jumbled.

Anyway, to wrap this thing up, all in all I had some of the best times with the Lord. Just hanging out with him and realizing that he used to hang out by himself and pray also, when his friends were doing other things. On Tuesday morning I was up around 4 or 5 o'clock, took a shower, got ready, then just sat outside and it was...profound. Just sitting in the quiet. I hadn't gotten quiet for days. And I haven't gotten that quiet since...maybe December when we had "quiet times" at camp. It was just good to sit there, listening to the birds and taking in the ambience the morning offers; the stillness and God's grace and majesty. That's probably mushy. But c'mon...it's a great time of day and all too often I miss it.

On our way home I was freaking out a little bit. The plane was going in a circle and not going...well, up. That's what I thought it was supposed to do. I wasn't visibly freaking out...no, that's not me. But I was freaking out on the inside :) So I'm sitting in my seat, no one's sitting by me because everyone ditched me :) and I start thinking, Lord I don't want to go home yet, I really don't. There's too much to do, just...and then I swear to you he interjected: Are my Hands not big enough to carry you? Woa. Alright, touche. You win...whatever you want God. If I die I die, if I live, thank you :) You are enough. Then, the sunset that followed was AMAZING!! What a perfect way to end two great days of closeness with the Lord away from home. And it wasn't like I was at camp. It was just up the street...kind of :P. Anyway, that's my tale of our trip to San Francisco and what it meant to me. It was a pretty good experience, all in all.

Sorry if I repeated stuff, I wrote this in two non-consecutive sittings haha.

The Blind Man

You know those days when you just know it's going to be one of those days? Well, I had one of those days today. I woke up late, around 7:30 and rushed to get ready for my first class, which is swim, at Grossmont College. I'm driving there thinking, well, I'm late, yes, but I really am in the mood to swim. The weather was beautiful this morning and I haven't worked out in about two weeks. I was missing it! And getting pumped to go swim and exercise. So, I get to the pool and Larry tells me, there's good news and bad news: The good news, you get double work-out points today. The bad news: If you swim, you'll turn green. I guess yesterday they put too much chlorine in the pool and that meant no swimming. Fantastic. So I got in my car and drove home. I took my time getting ready, hoping I'd have time to do some devotions, but the time went so fast and I was, again, rushing out the door. Then, on my way out, my water bottle dropped and rolled down the driveway...and again...misfortune. I pull up to Santana for my chem class and realize the kids aren't outside at break like they out to be on a Tuesday class. Oh wait, that's because it's Thursday...block day...earlier start time. I'm 20 minutes late for chem. And, to top it off, we had a lab that I got to do all by myself because my partner, Matt, wasn't there. Perfect!
Then I go to Middle College and realize Kayla's not there and there is major drama going on, again, regarding the college trip. Now I tried my hardest today to keep my mouth shut and I don't think anyone realizes how entirely hard it was to not bite everyone's head off and tell them what I thought of everything. The drama that's going on is stupid. The students are asking for respect and fairness when Stephanie and Sue, the adult supervisors, laid down the law in the first place and the kids broke it. The kids disrespected their authority yet are demanding that they be treated with more respect, fairness, and tolerance? Something is wrong with that picture!! And yet, a lot of these kids are blind to this fact.
I was basically fuming when I left Middle College. Nearly wanting to cry because Stephanie and Sue jumped through hoops to accomodate us and do things in our best interest on the trip. Yet they got no appreciation, little thanks. Instead they got to feel crappy about the whole thing. They know people are talking about them negatively behind their backs and Stephanie knows she came across as the bad guy. Yet someone had to be the leader. And you know why? Because that's how life is. But man, don't we always crucify the leader. Literally and figuratively. Jesus tried to lead the blind and they crucified him. Stephanie tried to lay down the law and now she's getting injustly beat up for trying "to be a good mom", as she put it.
I sat down in my car before my next class and just vented to the Lord. It helped a little. I started reading my Bible and lo-and-behold this is what verse I happened upon: "...'Can a blind man lead a blind man? Will they not both fall into a pit? A student is not above his teacher, but everyone who is fully trained will be like his teacher'," Luke 6:29-40. Before I read that I had this question pop up in my mind: Does a man who has vision and can see describe the trees, the ocean, the beauty of nature, to a blind man, whose perception of the world is so much different and so far from the true reality due to darkness? Just now I read my daily bible verse that Google so kindly supplies on my homepage for me and read what it said: ""If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over,” Matthew 18:15. I know the kids weren't sinning against me. But I'm offended, frankly, and I really wish I could win them over and help them to see that no matter what the case is, Stephanie and Sue were our authority on the trip and we all really needed to just respect and submit to them. Even if it cost us a little bit of fun here and there. Right now, I'm not having to much fun mulling this over. Right now I'm feeling guilty on behalf of everyone for the ways they're hurting other people who honestly just wanted us to experience colleges and give us a nice gift. I guess I just need to let the whole thing go...But it really really hurts my heart and I really have a burden about the whole situation. But honestly, I learned a whole lot. I learned that I can not be "cool" to people if I'm going to really be a Christian. That means I will be alone in life. I will sit alone in my hotel room and do my devotions. I will keep my mouth shut and disappear when people are bagging on other people. Or, I will write something like this post, which goes against the grain of other people's lives and maybe start some fires here and there. But honestly, I'm just passionate. And my heart hurts. For Stephanie and Sue, and for the kids. I love everyone and just really want their eyes to be opened, in the end. For them to come out of this learning something about being kind to people. A smile, a thank you, a hug. They all go a really long way. But so do biting words and harsh looks.

Where I've Been...

Hey guys, I haven't posted in a few days, and I still don't have too much to say right now, but I figured I'd post some pictures from the past week or so.
These are the painting stages of Connor's room...
Peeling the remnants of wall paper off the walls and getting all the stickers off the walls and furniture was not fun...But once we got the Golden Gate pait on the walls and the primer for the back wall on, things were looking up!
I love the final result...

And, I finally found that perfect comforter I've been looking for! Before it was boring denim and I felt like a boy...haha...but I love this new one!

And I also got a new night stand, which can fit a lamp, so when I'm reading at night I can actually see!
Last Friday I missed Small Group again...which I really didn't want to do, but already comitted to dogsitting for this cute little puppy, Jack.

His family went to Knottsberry Farm for the night and the pup couldn't stay home so long by himself :) Lucky me...I got to hang out with a cute lil puppy and even got paid! Now that's what I'm talking about.

Then on Saturday I slept in, and when I woke up my parents and brother decided they wanted to go to Sea World. We bought year-long passes, so this summer when I have Connor all day we can go hang out there instead of sit around at home.

It was pretty crowded, but we still had fun...and Connor and Mom really loved the ride Atlantis. I have to say...I'm just not a roller coaster kind of girl. So my dad and I went and saw a show.
Anyway, this week was pretty busy. Tuesday was long, but the message Jeremy Miller gave at High School group really got to me. It was about having a sober spirit...more on that later, probably.

On Wednesday though, there was an event called One held at my old church, El Cajon Weslyan. After class I went straight to help out at Higher Ground, Jenny was there, so we meant to mentor at Starbucks afterward, then I went straight to the church to pick up Jesse and Nicole. Aaron Moreno who is in his 20's and one of our four adult leaders at higher ground, was there with Sam and ended up riding with me to the event since he didn't know where ECWC was. Aaron wasn't sure what the whole thing was about and was kind of stressed, thinking maybe he shouldn't go...he'd stand out too much since he was soooo old. Sam wanted me to stop the car and let him out on Greenfield to walk to his house. I locked the doors and told them all there wasn't an age limit on worshipping the Lord. Both the guys ended up being really moved, praying for high schoolers, and totally pumped up. Aaron kept saying, "Man, this is deep stuff..." It was great to hang out with some awesome people and be back on my old stompin' ground. Pastor Lisa is soooo pregnant, it's insane! And Tanya is so close to getting engaged...I'm so happy for her :) But anyway, this weekend I'm heading to San Fransisco to visit some colleges. Kayla, Amanda and I are going to have some serious fun rooming with eachother!! Then Kayla can decide if she really wants to live with me when we go to SDSU together hah!

Consumed

[Kayla, these were my "thoughts" from class today...]

I was getting ready this morning and thinking about some conversations I'd had with people lately regarding annoyances and people who did things that were annoying. I think God has given me a greater tolerance in the past year for things that annoy me...I used to have little compassion/patience/understanding for "stupid" people who did "stupid" things. Still, smacking gum is a major pet peeve of mine! That's not the point of this post though, thankfully.
I then started thinking about myself, and how, or in which ways, I seem annoying to other people. Im not other people, so I can't answer that, obviously. But, how and when do other people annoy me? I thought of my brother, firstly. He's completely consumed with R.C. cars right now. Before that it was baseball cards, motorcycles, then skateboarding, etc. Every word out of this kids mouth has been about R.C. cars for months now. I don't care about them, yet for some reason he doesn't seem to care that I don't care! He still talks my ear off about them. Finally he got me to try one out--they're actually kind of fun and do actually take a lot of skill to drive and keep running.
Another annoyance is people, usually women, occassionally men, who are always so consumed with weight, dieting, and being thin or fit. I used to be that person--it wasn't who I wanted to be or what message I wanted to tell the world, so I've been trying really hard to stop being so obsessed by working out a lot, eating nothing, and getting too thin. I just want to be healthy. Now. Yet, while I was obsessed, I would point out every calorie in every morsel of food I'd eat--people noticed. During this time I was hanging out, mainly, with a lot of guys. I even saw my obsession rubbing off on them. Some of them became, even if just slightly, more aware of their weight and their food consumption. But only because I brought it up all the time. Annoying!
Another annoyance is when someone, especially one of my friends or cousins, is in a relationship and all they talk about is their significant other and the realllly amazing things that are going on in their relationship. Sometimes it's uplifting to hear, and it gives me a hope for the future. But sometimes it just makes me want to throw away all my convictions to not date in high school and to seriously wait until I find the guy I could really see myself marrying. After I see or hear about great relationships, sometimes I just want to go pounce on (figuratively) the first guy who pays attention to me and, in terms of ministry and Godliness, looks good on paper.
So what's my real point to this post? Well, our obsessions, what we're consumed with, rub off on the people we surround ourselves with--whether we like it or not. It's an unconscious effort. Yet, through all our obsessions with materialism, physical appearance, and the need for physical and emotional affirmation from peers, we are making idols. If we obsess over R.C. cars--it's an idol. If we obsess over dieting--it's an idol. If we obsess over relationships and can not be alone--the relationship becomes an idol. And when we idolize these things we're preaching about them to the world, to people who need to hear the real truth. We're teaching people to worship our idols when we shouldn't even have them as it is. And it's not necessarily a conscious thing. But that does not mean that it does not happen. It does!
We were created to, and should, be completely consumed and outrightly obsessed with God.
If we were to turn all our mind--instead of learning so much about R.C. cars; our strength, instead of obsessing over going to the gym; our heart, instead of giving it away to relationships that won't last, over to God and use all these aspects of ourselves to delve into and study his Word, his Laws, and not the laws of mechanics of recreational toys, the laws of dieting, or the laws of romantic chemistry--what a different life we would lead! And what a different message we would send to the world. By just being ourselves, then, we would be great witnesses to those around us, 24/7. But until we really wrap our minds around this--I know I haven't been able to fully, we will continue to rub off on our friends and family and influence them to start participating in idolatry. Our actions and obsessions, whether they're good and Godly or not so good at all, don't just effect ourselves, but others as well. And, if as a Christian, our purpose is the further the Kingdom of God, then we have some serious renovating of the heart to do. Or, atleast, I know I do.

Basically I know everyone's most likely heard all of that before--I have many times in some way or another. I know I need to be reminded of it, and was this morning as it all just came to me in a nice little package of personal experiences and testimony.

Anyway, I still really want to post about what God's been revealing to me about the role my parents play in my life and what other people's parents play in their life, if necessary. Another day...

Oh, and please comment if you disagree or would like to refute any of my ideas, beliefs, and thoughts. As I write I often think the Lord reveals more to me, but he also uses other people to help lead and explain things more effectively. So let me know!

God Bless

College Plans

Life is falling into place my friends...faster than I expected...but it's really great. As soon as I really let go of it all, God started opening doors!

I intern at Pepper Drive Elementary School, and the fifth graders (My little brother included) were going on a field trip to SDSU. To get hours, and to see another campus, I decided to tag along. My mom ended up going also, which was fun! Anyhow, going on the trip I wasn't really expecting a change of heart: I didn't want to go to SDSU. I wanted to go to a Christian college.

Well, walking through the campus I was amazed, not only do they have three Starbucks locations on campus, but it's amazing. It's tidy, up to date...just really awesome! My parents have wanted me to go there from the beginning. I've never been slightly enthused. Now I am! My mom said, "This is a campus I can see you on". In other words, she got good vibes. My dad even called half way through the tour to ask how it was going and if I liked the school. As the tour went on I kept seeing myself sitting at the numerous available places to study. They have really nice grass areas. And they have a peaceful little fountain surrounded by trees, flowers, and bushes from all over the world in a courtyard area. This place happens to be right across from the Library, which is where I'll be working. You see, my mom already has a job set up for me there! She also might have a place for me to live. And not in my own house. She has a client named Alice, who was a neighbor of Andrea Sims when she was growing up. Alice is a conservative Christain widow with a 5-6 bedroom, two bathroom house who lives right next to the college. She's never opened her house up to college students to rent rooms because, as my mom put it, she has strict ground rules, "No guests, no cussing, NO drinking. What college student does that?!" I got excited and started smiling, Me! Me! Me! Oh, here's another kicker: Alice's son is the head honcho director of the SDSU Library, which is the pictures of the white building to the left. He's the guy who hires all the student employees and Alice has already talked to him about "Sharon's daughter". Apparently there's no need for experience for people he knows will be reliable. I can be reliable. If this all pans out, wow. We'll see, I'm trying not to get my hopes up, but I'm only human...

As schooling and college is going right now at Grossont, well they're going really well. Today I picked out classes for next semester with Stephanie, the school counselor. I'm taking all transferable classes, as I'm basically done with High School except PE, so I'm taking Bio, Math, Ceramics (maybe), and yoga next semester. Then for summer school I'm taking a weight training class at Cuyamaca and an online History class. I'm really stoked! Things are looking up :) I'll have a semester under my belt when I go to SDSU which will be awesome. And now that I'm fairly certain I'll major in English no matter what, I'll be taking a lot of English courses for General Ed also, which is why the Ceramics class may change. Anyhow, that's my life these past few days.

Another ironic thing I'll write about in my post or so, is what God's been revealing to me about the importance of leadership and parents. Funny that I'm getting this when I may be getting ready to think about moving out in the next year and I've never thought that was a possibility before, really.

I want More...

Lately I've been feeling God's works in my life. This is true. I've felt doors opening and closing and wisdom seeping into my life through situations and great Godly counselors. Yet...I want more. I want to feel like I did at camp. Abandoned to His love. Experiencing the Holy Spirit so powerfully I can't think about the worries of my day, I can't speak about my short comings, I can't stand on my own two feet. I just want to feel the presence of God in a bigger way in my life.
During a song in worship tonight we were sing "Come Lord Jesus Come...Holy Spirit Come" and I was crying out, I was trying my hardest to press in, be open and not let the people in the room distract me from my time with the Lord. Then I was asking, "Lord, why are hiding from me, why are you hiding your face? Come for me, deliver me here...I know I've made mistakes, but send me your Spirit..." Then, for some reason, I felt like the wait wasn't over. God made the Israelites wait years and years under their conquerers after they "forgot" God. I realize there was a time when I forgot God, there are many times in my single days that I forget God. The wait is not over. I think I need to prove to myself, to God, that I'm for real. That I will not let the things of this world conquer me. That I will not turn to earthly relationships for affirmation, or materialism for earthly gain. I need to continue to press in, through this desert time. Though there may be only the now regular mana to eat on my journey, where I'm at and what I'm taking in, it's a miracle still. And greater things are ahead if I just keep pressing on, keep rising up. Even in the desert, I have to keep walking. And I think God is slowly making this more clear.
Better things are coming...and I'll keep pressing on...because I want so much more.

Rainy Days

Alright, so this morning was great. I don't even know why. It was just amazing. I was driving to class, in the drizzle, thinking Today I am at peace with life! Then I immediately thought about all the things I had to do when I got home: Like clean the kitchen and my room. But hey, guess what, who cares? It'll get done and the world will keep on spinning.
My day was great.

I woke up a little late, got ready, and was off to Pepper Drive to intern for Mrs. MacIntosh, my old third grade teacher who I've kept contact with throughout the years. I'm going on a trip to San Francisco to visit some colleges (which I'm honestly not entirely interested in...but still want to go hah). Mrs. MacIntosh brought me a cute little carry on bag for the plane since I don't have one. How awesome is she? But in her class there's two particular kids right now, Dylan and Matthew and I seriously can't take them! They're too stinkin cute. That's beside the point though. I did my regular routine of grading multiplication tests, and then left for chemistry in an oddly chipper mood. Then I realized I'm always like that when I leave Pepper Drive. But do I really want to pursue being a teacher? I'm still not sure.
Tonight I got home and relieved my parents from watching Connor. It's their 23 or 24th wedding anniversary so they went out to breakfast this morning, and dinner tonight. While they were out I helped Connor with a research project on the liver that's due sometime next week. He better get an A+ man. Then we went in the garage and I got some canvases down from my closet and we painted for...hours. The time flew! It was so fun :) My painting, I'm afraid to say, is just not great. I lacked the vision while beginning and, well, it's just blah. Connor's is, of course, great. He painted a bowl of peanuts. Still, I have rekindled a passion and I'm so glad :)
Really great day...and, to top it off, I got the news late last night that Mrs. DeBarrows recieved the best report possible after her surgery...praise God or what? The best report possible? Are you kidding me right now...If that's not a God thing I don't know what is!

I also rediscovered Jars of Clay...love them!

Mrs. DeBarrows

So, I don't know why I haven't posted this...perhaps I already have but I just don't think so.

Mrs. DeBarrows was my old middle school P.E. teacher. I remember when I had her for homeroom in 6th grade. I was soooo scared! The lady is intimidating to say the least. However, as time progressed I really grew to love her! She's one of those women who has this intense strong-front about her, but when you break it down and crack her tough shell and make her laugh hysterically, you feel accomplished in life! Oh, and when you mention bumblebees too. She freaks. It's great.

Anyway, during spring break I heard the unfortunate news that she was diagnosed with breast cancer. Her husband, who wasn't fully in the picture all time anyway and there's a lot more where that story comes from, died just last year. Now, she's a single mom with a daughter in college and son who's my age as well. I was so broken for her. But I've been continually praying for her to see God's love for her through all these trials.

I've also been praying a lot for Mrs. Rolf, who lost her best friend to cancer around two years ago, then helped Mrs. D through her husband's death, and now is faithfully by Mrs. DeBarrow's side through her breast cancer. What an inspiration Mrs. Rolf is though, really. How she's hanging in there and giving a lot out of herself to help her friends. I love that woman!

Anyway, today was Mrs. DeBarrow's surgery, a double mastectomy I believe. I haven't heard any word yet...but I've been praying for her at random times throughout my day and I can't wait to hear the news that she's okay and they got all the cancer. She'll be back full swing soon enough. Just in time for my brother to enter middle school :) A little tough love to keep that kid in line wouldn't do a bit of harm haha. At any rate, keep Mrs. DeBarrows in your prayers if you know her or just feel led to. She's an amazing woman and I have faith the Lord is being her Rock and softening her heart even more through this...I'm praying for that at least.