2.26.2008

Lesson #1: Crazy Hair and Quirky Kids




I wrote this paper for my creative writing class last week and am posting it just for the heck of it. It seemed to be well recieved by the folks in my workshop group and the professor (who's this rad guy with a mini-faux? hawk and signature converse shoes).



Lesson #1: Crazy Hair and Quirky Kids



I could feel the fresh evening air floating through the old rickety screen door. I couldn’t wait to feel it on my warm skin which seemed to suffocate me. I hadn’t seen the light of day for 72 hours, except through windows with blinds that mostly remained closed. I just wanted to sleep. I just wanted to die. And I’d felt like I was dying a slow death for two weeks, each day slipping more into oblivion, disregarding all responsibilities and disappearing, falling into the four constraining walls of my home. Okay, it may not have been that severe…I’d just battled a bout of the flu for a few weeks. I’d simply felt awfully unwell, like I should be wearing a sign around my neck, hunched over from coughing so much, that read in bold, capital letters, “UNCLEAN!” But, the illness seemed to be dissipating and I knew I was still wallowing in it. So, this was the end. I was rising above it—out of it…a phoenix from the ashes. Only to burn again.
“Courtney, Courtney!” Quinn precariously pedaled toward me on her hot pink bicycle, the training wheels freshly removed. As she neared she stopped and looked up saying, “Courtney…you have crazy hair…” Burn. Do I really look that bad? I thought to myself as I pushed my blonde stringy hair away from my face and glanced down at my big white sleep shirt and two-sizes-too-big gray sweatpants. But, three year old Quinn just stared at me, big brown eyes smiling, with a grin displayed on her dirty face that suggested she didn’t just think my hair was crazy, but that I’d gone completely off my rocker as well. I wanted to retort, “Well your hair’s crazy too jerkface,” but that would have been immature, although not far from the truth. Her short blonde curly locks, pulled up in a messy pink ponytail looked as if they hadn’t been washed in days. And yet, she was the bright light that had guided me out of the house; her childlike charm sweetly coerced me out of my cave of three days.
I couldn’t think of anyone else that could have gotten me up and out of bed besides her—and Baxter of course, the clumsy yellow Labrador retriever that came bounding up to me slightly knocking me off balance. “You love him or Honey better?” Quinn asked, pointing to her other dog, an older and wiser yellow lab mix.
“Well…Baxter...” I admitted, though I knew it was obvious. He and I were thick as thieves. Even if there was a stranger walking around our family friendly cul-de-sac, he’d always come running up to me, disregarding the opportunity to make a new friend and smell new smells. It was fantastic. He was definitely my favorite bundle of uncontrollable fur.
“I love Baxter best, too. He’s so pretty,” she replied tugging on Baxter’s droopy ears as he licked her arm. I laughed, though I didn’t think she’d fully grasped the concept of favoritism yet. One day she’d say Baxter was her best, the next she’d say Baxter was soooo stupid and Honey was super smart and Honey was just the greatest, isn’t she great?
Quinn was one of the most entertaining, strangest children I’d ever met. She was a year old when she moved in with her two brothers, Gavin and Nolan, and her sister, Chandler. I don’t remember Quinn talking much when she was younger, which, I suppose isn’t so strange, seeing as she is only three years old. But the things this kid would do seemed to be years beyond her capabilities. For instance, by the time she was two she was riding one of those razor scooters in circles around the little boys of the neighborhood. She was a kamikaze, fearless, and would very rarely cry if she made a face plant on the asphalt. However, if she didn’t get her way, well then the floodgates would open on up and she would really show us what her vocal chords were capable of.
Quinn was pretty spoiled like that. She had three brothers and sisters to do most everything for her, including talk. She didn’t really speak much at all for a while, and then it seems something in her clicked and suddenly she was talking all the time. Almost as if the words were all locked up inside and now they all come tumbling out in spurts of energy at the same time. But they aren’t necessarily things you’d expect to hear from a three year old. Or from anyone, really.
Take the crazy hair thing she’d said to me. Who would say that? No one besides a child simply being brutally honest, I suppose. And that’s the thing about Quinn, she’s just honest. She just tells it how it is, or, at least, how she sees it. And this captivates me…and cracks me up all at the same time. It’s wonderful.
As I write this, Quinn, clad in a magenta shirt with matching boots, just came knocking on our front door, well, it was more like pounding, with her grandma Helen and asked to stay with us while Grandma goes to pick up the big kids from school. Helen said, “Hey, this was all her idea…she didn’t want to come with me.”
“I just wanted to come check on you…I never stay with you, c’mon let’s go!” Quinn says, racing to see our dog, Rylie…whom she has affectionately decided to call “Carly”, instead.
I suppose Quinn calls things whatever she wants to partly as a result of the way she’s grown up so far. I think she may be a little confused about how names work. Her parents used to call her a little sing-song name: Quinner-Quinner-Chicken-Dinner, which, a la carte, became the nickname, Chicken. If you ask her now whether she likes to be called Quinn or Chicken better, she’ll tell you Chicken. The girl is a riot.
So, she really was just the person to cheer me up and bring me back to a state of living after being sick and miserable for far too long. “C’mon Coooourtney, let’s go play,” She giggled as she pulled at the sides of my big shirt, twisting the white fabric in her small grubby hands. This child had no sense of personal space either. She was always all over the place; pulling on clothes, hanging on jean pockets, wrapping her arms around my waist and pushing and pulling me. Oh, and she’d always possessed this weird fixation for earlobes. She’d randomly come up to just about anyone she knew, sit on their lap, and caress their earlobe. Odd. I knew I couldn’t wear hoop earrings anymore.
That day she tugged and pulled me into the garage and we sat and talked for a bit about some randomness. Then she proceeded to pull out some ping pong paddles and a tiny rubber ball that didn’t bounce nearly at all. “Here, let’s play,” she handed me a paddle, the blue one, and she took the red one and sat down two feet away. At first she made me throw the ball to her so she could hit it with the paddle, but, as I was saying, she’s always all over the place and slightly uncoordinated in doing so, thus she couldn’t hit the ball. We decided to play a rolling game instead. She sat down on the ground and I sat on the step in front of the garage door to the house and spread my legs in a V shape, creating a mock goal area. The object of the game, we decided, was to roll the ball, using the paddle, in between my legs. I had to guard the created goal and would roll the ball back to her. Nolan, her six year old brother, wanted in on the fun after a while. One time I had asked Nolan what the days of the week were, to which he replied, “Well, there’s Monday, Tuesday, Threesday, Foursday, and Fivesday…” He didn’t proceed to “Sevensday”, as I had cut him off with my burst of laughter. This kid was just as entertaining and enlightening as Quinn, so we let him in on the game.
For the next half hour, we all sat in my garage and played the roll-goal game. It was as if, by just watching the energy they were exerting as they chased balls and jumped over one another laughing their heads off, I was breathing in their excess and taking some of their life into my body that had felt so worn out and dead. I hadn’t laughed so hard in weeks.
I sat there and watched them in all their enthusiasm, getting lost in my own thoughts now and again, letting a little blue or yellow ball buzz past my paddle into the goal. I couldn’t believe what I had been missing out on: the simple pleasures that I had slowly begun writing off because I had real business to attend to; school, finances, my future. And yet, I was getting nowhere chasing these goals except sick and tired and stressed and unhappily apathetic towards my life. What a bright future, eh? I should have wanted to go back to my life. I should have been ecstatic that I didn’t feel like crap anymore.
So, it was by chasing a ball around my dirty garage floor with a three year old girl called Chicken and her brother Nolan, that my spirit was rejuvenated. If these quirky kids could get so excited by playing a simple made-up game directed by a pajama-clad girl with crazy hair, I realized that surely I had a thing or two in my life that I could be a bit more passionate about and look forward to going back to tomorrow. But for the rest of that night, we kept playing our simple game with a few paddles and a couple rubber balls. We even added a cardboard box to the mix by the time we were through.

2.22.2008

Cynicism v. Truth

Sometimes I think I, and maybe others can relate, mistake seeking the truth and wanting to live in truth, as cynicism. I know it may sound strange....even oxymoronical, but hear me out.
I know this person who is always wanting to seek the Lord's heart...in doing so, they don't like to do a lot of things that maybe a group of us want to...like they won't go see a movie they know is probably not good. I have mistaken this, before, as them just being negative and stubborn. On other occassions they have interrupted a converstation by saying, "Hey, isn't there something better to talk about?" when a group of us are talking about someone that isn't present. I have previously mistaken this for the person wanting to control conversations and only talk about things that interest that person...or I've taken it as an isult that our conversations aren't "good enough" for that person. I've found, also, that in everything, my friend analyzes and digs deeper...sometimes shooting down ideas or theories I think are right and refuting them with principles I hadn't thought of. I've been known to take this as flat out criticism of my lack of knowledge....istead of this person providing or reminding me of valuable truths.
I have possessed this notion that this individual was just cynical...no fun...boring and dull and stubborn and judgmental as they make me feel like crap sometimes. But that's not the way they are at all. That's my flesh, my earthlyness talking. And that is a testament to that person standing up and really saying, "Hey, I'm going to be counterculture...I'm going to live differently than you." This person is being stubborn: stubborn as to persevere through everything to know the truth deeper and not be afraid to point out false ideas, theories, or beliefs people possess when it comes to the written word.
And my feelings getting hurt was just me being prideful and stuck in my ways...which aren't always necessarily the Lord's. But it's hard sometimes to really have that drive to seek the truth fully. It is so easy, on the other hand, to just listen to what someone tells you is right...maybe a college-aged leader, or pastor, or respected elder in the church, or even peers, and just trust them to tell you the truth without putting up a fight.
It's harder to form a counterargument...it takes effort. But, I suppose in order to know the truth fully, we're going to have to get pretty good at forming counterarguments. Because the only way to find out if something is really irrefutable, is to make sure there are no counterarguments. Sure, there are some situational things...but everything has to be taken into account when deciding if it's right or wrong to go to this movie, or listen to that music, or hang out with these people, or talk about such and such or so and so. Sure, we're never going to get it all right. But if we just blindly accept the things we hear from the group we are much more likely to not be living in the right, I think, because true Christianity in whatever state you or I are presently at, is still the minority.

So, when it comes down to my personal situations, I was the one being cynical. I was the one looking at the bad instead of being absolutely blessed by the example of someone who would stand up for the Lord.

2.20.2008

Dry...Not the Weather


So I've been sick for a while, and stressed (which has probably prolonged my ailments...eh?) and just feeling distant from everything and everyone--including God. I've just lacked the motivation to do anything besides sleep, eat, and sleep some more. I've been dry. Part of it, yes, is because I've been sick. Another part is because I've just been tired. For some reason I think I need to do it all all the time. Like God is not proud of me when I take a moment for myself, to breathe. To be "selfish". But I guess it's not selfish, taking care of myself. Taking time to listen. Between school and ministries I just feel bogged down. I'm always going, going, going. And on one hand I love this! I love being busy because it leaves less time to sit and think about life and where I'm really at on my marathon with God.

Walking with God, lately, has felt like a marathon. Yet I'm not even to the actually marathon process. I'm just in the intense training part that is the vast majority of what it takes to actually part-take in the activity. I'm tired a bit. I just want to stop trying and just sleep. Rest. And I have...for two weeks of being sick. Now it's time to get back on the horse...but maybe, get back on the horse and be still and silent and maybe not start running, maybe not jump the gun and feel the thrill of busyness.

I've decided to stop doing one of my ministries, the after school club, Higher Ground, for Jr. Highers. I don't know 100% if I really need to quit it. If I'm really being asked to, or if it's me saying I just can't do it all. But that's not me...I always want to be the best. I'd love to be able to do everything on my own strength. I don't know. I don't stinking know.

I don't know where to draw the line. I don't know what balance is. I don't know when it's me not trusting God enough. I don't know if it's wrong that I really need money, a job, and that I can't find a way, yet, to make enough and still do all these ministries and go to school. I get so discouraged and so confused when I know people somehow think I'm less holy, or less Godly because I say I need a job, I need money..."Well you don't really NEED it...you could just trust God a little more". But am I expecting for Him to just hand me a lump sum of cash on a monthly basis without me working for it at all? I don't know. Should I expect that? Should my faith be that high? Because it's not. And I don't know what I think about all this. I'm just tired of not feeling like I'm enough. And you know what...I'm not. I wish people would see that more. That I can't do everything and what I can do in excellence I should do...and put all of me into it...not into these random things that, now, people are just expecting me to do. If it's for me....then it's not good for me to be walking in it. I kind of feel like screaming right now. Torn between people and a divine guidance that I'm not entirely sure is, in fact, divine.

Maybe I'm just lazy. Maybe I just need to step it up. I know in lots of ways I do need to step it up. But right now I'm just confused at what to do and what to focus on.


On the other hand...I had been feeling really dry, as I may have already said, and I was putting off reading my Bible and putting off praying because I was just tired. I just didn't want to do anything anymore. So I picked it up a few nights ago and opened to Hosea--about the Israelites turning away and God accepting them nonetheless. That's me on so many occassions. It's what I need to hear...being drawn to the desert. Taking everything away...and being restored.

It was a filler-upper.


2.19.2008

State




I got accepted to college today. San Diego State University. The state of my mind, on the other hand, is disarrayed.

2.18.2008

18

Sorry for the 18 rant but...my mom got married this year of her life. When she turned 18 the church bells rang. Isn't that crazy? When you, or if you are 18...can you even imagine. Hers was a different world than mine though. And I am blessed for that. She had to grow up way too fast...

18

Sorry for the 18 rant but...my mom got married this year of her life. When she turned 18 the church bells rang. Isn't that crazy? When you, or if you are 18...can you even imagine. Hers was a different world than mine though. And I am blessed for that. She had to grow up way too fast...

2.17.2008

Older.

I turned 18 three days ago. I don't know how I feel about this. I don't really care, I guess. "It's just another day". My motto. But that day does signify time passing. This year I have changed so much. I was sitting in Starbucks reading on my birthday and...I made some careless motion. Completely insignificant, haphazard. Yet it was my mother. It was the way I moved my chin...I can't even explain it. But as soon as I did it, I knew that my mother does that. That's her mannerism. And now it's mine? I have always been the miniature Sharon, which has mostly just been an annoying thing people say. But within this year I have so much seen my mother in myself. My mom is an amazing woman. But she's my mom and I am the way I am largely because of her. And yet, other people live differently than my mother lives. So, just because I haven't come to realize that before I've slowly morphed into her, does that mean I am stuck on the path of Her? I don't think so. Not necessarily. I have also realized this past year that I am entirely different than my mom. I have unrealistic desires and passions that I really do want to pursue, even if it takes spurts of effort here and there...I'd love to record a cd. I'd love to purchase a professional camera and capture everything I see. I'd love to be the kind of mom mine is...the kind that stays home all the time because she truly like us--she'd rather spend time with us, my dad, brother, and myself, than spend time with her girlfriends (her ya-ya's). But I so desire to be the mom someday who's constantly capturing these moments with film, with words, with songs. I really want to inspire my kids to be artistically freeeee. It's a weird thing. But I have a passion for this. A desire...that I think my grandmother always had. But her life was ladden with her own issues, problems, financial, relational, etc. Let's face it--they were dysfunctional. I want to be functional, and supportive of my kids. If I have any. I guess I have to work on the whole husband part first. Which oh my goodness I can hardly imagine. Still. My mom, at the birthday dinner, said that next year "she [I] will be blowing us off for her boyfriend". I haven't had a Valentine date ever. Why would next year change that? Just because my commitment to stay single will be over doesn't mean I will miraculously fall for someone when I haven't had nearly the slightest inclination to do so in the past four years. Part of me wishes it would happen. Another part of me screams NO NO NO!!! I like myself just the lonely way I am...free to think and write and support myself just fine...without that potential worry of "What does he think about what I just wrote, or sang, or painted".

I don't know what I want. I am torn between two worlds. Each has it's ups and downs...and yet neither really matter so much at all because, after all, they are just worlds. For now I will stick here...with those dashing fellows up there...my family.

The future looks bright though. Scary...frustrating...positively unpredictable...but beautiful.

2.13.2008

Why Hellllloooa There....

I've been thinking a lot lately. About life. Jazz like that. And about the undeniable crazy cat lady in my night class who has bright red in-a-box-from-Target hair, with thick bangs, wrinkly skin, hot pink striped socks, and old beat-up, worn-out, old, old, old dusty white reebok sneaks from the 90s. Thinking thoughts like that. And about how the best chips are the ones I save for last; the ones that are all folded over and extra crunchy. And how elbows are often so pointy and good for jabbing people when they least expect it. Maybe in the jugular so I can get that last folded over, extra crunchy chip at the bottom of the crinkly bag.
I miss my great grandmother and I miss my great aunt. And I miss my voice and I long for the times I only hear about: The whole family of 16 crowded around the old organ with someone strumming away on guitar, someone plucking away at the old bass, someone humming away on the harmonica, and countless cool kids singing under my great grandfather's instruction.
But I only hear about it and I only wonder how different my life would be if I were a part of then.

1.24.2008

Retraction, kind of.

Sorry for the last post. I had a personal vendetta against the media that day.
I still kind of feel the same way...but toned down a bit :)

1.22.2008

Dead Celeb.

I think I'm being cynical.
I think I'm having a downright cynical day.

I sign into myspace a half hour or so ago to find all these bulletins posted "Heath Ledger is Dead!!!???!!" yada yada.
My first thought was, yes, sad. Death is sad. I looked up a news story and he died of a drug overdose...supposedly. For all I really know he's partying in Tahiti right now. For all any of us know. Yet people seem to really care. And it's rather ticking me off. Perhaps that's wrong. Perhaps we should care and feel compassion for every single one who dies that we hear of. But if, in a few moments, I posted a bulletin that my great grandpa died and I was seriously distraught, no one would repost that. There would be no flood of bulletins, no flood of compassion. And they would know my grandfather just about as much as they know Ledger...a figment of their imagination...a man made up in their own mind. Because the man they see on the screen isn't Heath Ledger. That man was conjured up by multitudes of writers wanting people to peek into the window of their mind. And the Ledger we all saw was a pretty face. I dare say. Let the dead bury the dead. Go talk to your kids and brothers and sisters about overdosing and why you ought not do drugs to be "cool" because being dead isn't so cool. Really.
That is just the thing. Folks think he is the cream of the crop. He's hott, so that of course obviously signifies he's cool, and thusfore is worthy of being idolized. No. No no no no.
It's sad that he did die the way he did...but idolizing the man is ridiculous. He died by overdosinging (likely) and that is not glamorous or cool or worthy of being idolized. Jesus died on a cross, for us, and that is worthy of being worshipped. People get things so confused. They didn't know the man. I get things confused too. All the time. I know I do idolize and put things before the Lord who so amazingly died for me. Who gloriously died. To save me from the very things I idolize. The very thing that, if I let it, will be my destruction. Yes. I get confused too. Don't we all.

Another celebrity died today
Lower his body down into the grave
One night's drug over-dose
And now we're one down to look up to now
And idolize and expand our litany of shrines

Don't look down
Don't follow him now
Look up
Don't look down
A body lowered to the ground
Look up
To the one riding on the clouds
Reigning over all of us
Look up
Forever on a throne he sits
Brighter than Hollywood's shining awards
You, oh Jesus, are worth so much more
Than what we've been looking at.
Than who we've been looking for.

Untitled--Latest Religion?

The children are playing in the yard
Since when do we feel like
They ought to be accompanied by armed guards?
What has this world come to
Do you hear what I’m asking you
What do we subject our young ones to
There’s drugs, sex, and rock and roll
When do you plan to tell them
That they can all takes their less than pleasant toll
Without asking politely
Without asking their permission (at all)
You see
They can slip so easily into the world’s latest religion


While I was on my way to class today, Quinn (3 years old) ran out her front door yelling Sharon, Sharon! Then, Courtney, Courtney! After she could see who I really was...and she came up and she gave me a huge hug. That girl is the sweetest thing. She is so uplifting, even at just 3...I know she will be a great encourager to so many around her when she's older. I can see part of her gifts at just 3 years old. But if those gifts are hindered by the enemy in her life...by not knowing the Lord at all...by just slipping into the world's latest fads, religions, mindsets, etc....she would be so cheated. As would all of us.
I just sat down with my guitar and started playing that Am, C, G, D picking pattern. It's not going anywhere immediately, so I guess that's all for now. But I thought I'd post it for kicks.

And to say that I'm having a slightly melancholy, minor-chord kind of day. Hah

1.18.2008

So much to do....

I want to do so much. And yet I have no idea what to do.
Life is fast approaching. On one hand I feel like I have to start making decisions. On the other hand I just want to push them under the rug for as much longer as possible...those awkward things I keep stepping on but am just too lazy to pick up and sort out and place in their rightful places. I don't want to decide whether those dreams I happen to prance upon from time to time might have to go to the trash bin or might be more proudly displayed on the actual path of my life instead of hidden under a (shag) rug.
I've thought I wanted to teach for a while now. But perhaps it's a cop out. It's easy...something that will be waiting when I get out of college. I'll know where to go to get a job. Some district out there. I'll have benefits, retirement. But I don't want to settle because I'm scared of going to college and not knowing what I'm going to do with my life afterward.
I'm the kind of gal who makes lists, you know. The kind who sticks to the list just because it's a list. And if I made the list, that girl, the one in the past, she had to have known what she was thinking, therefore, the list is set in stone, the list is absolutely positively, and unswervingly correct and I have got to follow it. Even if, while that girl was making the list, she said to herself, "I must have forgotten something". I have this mindset that if it's on the list, I cannot stray. I think I have psycological issues. I'm partly kidding...
College is on my list...as is having a plan in general. But maybe I don't have a plan. Maybe I don't know where I'm going to end up. I was dead set on going straight to SDSU and now I don't even know the state of my acceptance. I was dead set on getting a job in the library, but maybe I don't want to stick around school any longer than I have too. Maybe I have no clue what I'm doing....and maybe that's the point. Maybe I don't need my list. Maybe.
Had I gotten accepted last month, like most of my friends, I wouldn't be thinking about this right now. I feel like I have come out of my shell even more this past month and discovered things about myself that I may not have. If I would have gotten accepted right away I would have focused entirely on school and been driven to get in and get everything over with. But now I'm branching out...opening up new ideas in my mind. It's scary and so foreign.
I want to write, this is true. But maybe I like writing songs and poetry more than writing essays. Maybe I don't want to teach. Maybe I'm not passionate about it. Would you like to know what I want to do?
I want to be a publisher. I want to publish my grandmother's book of poems, Nubbins, that she no longer has the energy to see published for herself. I want to write songs and learn how to play the guitar better, and the piano. I want to open up my own cafe and make my own ceramic coffee cups, bowls, and plates, and hand paint them in all sorts of fun styles. I want to sell an eclectic mix of books in a room right off the cafe. I want to sew bags and spend time creating new, fun, exciting, better designs. I want to spend a few hours making simple dress patterns in fun patterns with patches and things and maybe someone would buy one someday. I want to make jewelry; earrings, necklaces, braclets, and wooden things. I want to write books. I want to be a graphic designer and create banners and posters and covers and random, neat, creative things for people. I want everything to be earthy and me. I want to be passionate. I want not to be constrained and confined to societies ideas of success and happiness. I want to be completely random and successful because I am passionate. And I want to do all things through Him. The funny thing is...all these things I want to do...the things that are simply on my "dream" list. They could all possibly tie together someday. I could be random and passionate and it could, theoretically, really work.
I still don't know what to do.
Right now, since I had a 45 minute nap, two consecutive grande starbucks drinks, and teramasu (sp?) and am thusfore wideawake....I will draw out some potential dress and purse patterns before reading, and then going to bed.

What do you want to do with your life?

1.12.2008

The Line

We went to Big Bear and I will write a ton about that later, I'm sure...but right now I don't have the pictures, or that kind of motivation...so I would like to pose a question instead....

I have been thinking a lot lately about the things we do daily that we can play off as being unspiritual and insignificant to our personal spirituality. Things like listening to that kind of music, or watching that kind of movie, reading that kind of book, going to that kind of place...so many things we do and just don't necessarily think all too much about it. But what does God think? Does he care all that much if I go see a PG-13 movie that has some vulgarity and inappropriate things that apparently aren't "of God"? Does every movie I see have to be like Facing the Giants? I mean...if we really get down to it, even the cartoons are vulgar these day. Like Shrek...there are many allusion to not so nice things. And music, if I turn on 102.1 am I disappointing God because the people aren't exactly singing His praises? Also, smoking and drinkning...if I smoke a cigar or cigarette, or have a drink...but I'm not addicted by any means, is that sinning? Is that so wrong? Is that so ungodly?
Where is the line? I don't know?
The way I have lived seeing it thus far is that if I don't struggle with the things these movies or music promotes, then it is okay. If I don't struggle with cussing, drinking, sex, etc. then it doesn't affect me all that much, or my spiritual walk, if I go see a movie that isn't so Godly afterall, or if I listen to music that contains some subjects that aren't all that great or moral. Is this a wrong way of taking it? Am I condoning all these things and is that wrong? Am I supposed to watch nothing and listen to only Christian music, read only Christian books, and talk about only Christian things? In a perfect world, how great would that be. But we don't live in a perfect world...we live here. Unfortunately. So what to do? I truly don't know.

I don't drink or smoke...because I have no personal desire to, but maybe someday will, who knows...I do not think I watch awful things, but I don't watch the best things (not that there are bests out there anymore)....I don't think I listen to awful music....but some of it isn't the best....
But where is the line? Is the line the same for everyone? Or does it move according to personal conviction and how things affect people's personal walks with the Lord? I don't know...but I would love your opinion. Really.

1.06.2008

Prayerwalking

I decided to really start prayerwalking as one of my several new year's resolutions this year. I went on a lovely walk yesterday and felt refreshed and filled up a bit as I arrived home. But today it was raining and I couldn't walk in the rain...I mean, I could have. But I most likely would have gotten chastized by my mother, we're going to Big Bear for three days, starting Wednesday, and I can't get sick, afterall. I want to write about camp....but I'm just not up for it. What I'm really up for, is some food...I don't know what kind yet. Perhaps oatmeal. Maybe chicken salad sandwiches...maybe both hahh.

12.30.2007

Dream Person

Random thought:
Do you ever have dreams with random people in them and you've never met them or came across them before, to your knowledge? Do you ever wonder if those people really exist out there somewhere in the world? Perhaps not their character or personality or mannerisms, but their bodies? That somewhere in this vast world they are walking about...not only in your dreamland, but in reality as well?

I suppose I will likely never know.

On another note, I just spent the last two days with amazing people. Tommy, Jesse, Allie, and James came over last night and we sat by a fire pit in my front yard, guitar-ed, guitar hero-ed, played cards, and ate food. Then today I went to church with Tommy and then met up with James and Allie at James' house...then we went shopping for about 4 hours...probably more. We're hardcore. No, James is hardcore. Finally we went back to James', put in Phantom of the Opera...then James and I got bored, so we put it Friends and played cards. Theeen Sharon made dinner and man she packed my plate full and I could not even begin to finish it. That was funny. She yelled at me to sit back and finish my plate and flustered, I started to sit back down and she just started cracccking up and saying just kiddding. Yeah, good stuff. I don't care much for dinner at other people's houses for that reason :) haha. But it was a fun night....fun couple of days. And tomorrow I'm hanging with Allie and James again since it's New Year's Eve and then camp!! Rad...it's going to be so cold in Big Bear :)

12.27.2007

Not Good Enough

Here are my feelings, without the blatant whining.

Sometimes I just don’t feel
Good enough
There are so many other better
Writers and singers out there
And I just don’t feel like people really care
What I have in my heart

But I know
You put Your words inside of me
To sing and present to the world
Even when I can’t see
That people really are receiving
Pieces of You, through me

I will go on
With your plan for now
Though I don’t know
What the future holds
And I can’t see
Beyond these four constraining walls

And, I’ll find my confidence
In the faith I place
In Your words when you say
Your plans for me are good

So I’ll wait
For your blessing to fall
So I’ll wait
To see what your promises will bring
When I sing
Despite it all.

12.22.2007

Stand up Straight

My family and I were at the neighbor's house all day learning how to make tamales. It was a lot of fun. But their family is completely different than ours. They kept downing the beers and pouring glasses of wine and cussing like sailors. It was all great fun though....and hilarious. Maybe that's bad to say. But whatever :)
Marion's sister, "Tia" I don't know her real name, actually...was a bit...well, drunk all night and kept talking and talking about random things and some relevant things. But she kept talking about posture, and standing up straight, and putting your shoulders back, and sucking in your stomach (That's why we have stomach muscles after all...) and yada yada. She came up to me once while I had my head on my mom's shoulder, just relaxing, and hit me on the back and said...."Are you slouching?" And stood me upright and said, "Raise your chin, your chin, suck it in, that's why we have stomach muscle, up straight up straight," and I just looked at her like she was crazy. Then I slouched on purpose. Yes, to tick her off. haha. Anyway, the point was...we weren't out. We were in. We were hanging out at Marion's house like we do all the time...chilling out, watching TV, relaxing and enjoying eachother. We were dressed to impress...infact I don't think anyone was there to impress anyone else. Except perhaps Tia. It aggrivated me that when we were supposed to be relaxing, we couldn't even do that...according to Tia. We had to continually stand up straight, continually suck it in, hold our heads high. Why?
So I came home a few minutes later to make cookies for Sean (Marion's husband)...because he wanted some and I was thinking over this whole situation and a song came out instead of real solid thoughts.

Mess

Stand up straight
Suck it in real tight
Watch your life being taken right before your eyes
Because this person isn't really you anymore

With your forced body frame
And your plastered on smile
You can't ever relax
Not even for just a little while

But is it worth it?
Sucking in the real you
Because

Who do you have to prove it to
Who do you have to impress
Who do you have to convince
That you're not a complete mess?

And I'm sorry to digress
But I have news for you my friend
Something you may not like to accept
But Jesus loves your mess

So who do you have to prove it to
Who do you have to impress
If Jesus loves your mess?

You don't have to be glamorous
Don't have to have sparkles and glitter
And flashes of silver and gold
For him to want to hold you
A precious mess in his big strong hands

You know how they sometimes say
One man's trash is another man's treasure
Well, Jesus he sees you as treasure everyday
So don't throw it all away
For weak thin plastic things
That will fade away and break

'Cos you can't keep this up forever
Peel the plastic off your life
And move in freedom
Dancing in broad daylight

Because
Who do you have to prove it to
Who do you have to impress
Who do you have to convince that you're not a complete mess

Who do you have to prove it to
Who do you have to impress
If Jesus really loves your mess?



I guess it's probably not original...but it does seem I always get words about just being yourself, myself, because that's who God created us all to be...and he loves us that way. Not the world's way with rigid restrictions on how things ought to be. Malarky.

12.16.2007

My Music

Is posted on Myspace...at www.myspace.com/cdayband
if anyone is interested...
I'll warn you, the sound is really really low, so you'll have to turn up the volume quite a bit, most likely.
And probably be in a really quiet place.
And I can't edit the songs at all...so there are definite mess ups :)

The Ballad of a Blessed Old Man

This was nearly a year ago...and completely random.



The Ballad of a Blessed Old Man

Well I used to know an old man
Named Moe
And he sailed down the river
In an old row boat

And I know I know I know
He’s just so Old
But he ain’t grown cold.

He used to talk to Jesus
In his head or out loud
But he’s the happiest fellow I ever did know
And sometimes I just wish I could be

And I know I know I know

He’s just so Old

But he ain’t grown cold.

Oh Moe,
He’s got his river and his Jesus
And he seems so free
But Oh No,
Moe, What does this mean

If I don’t have a river of life
Running through me…?

Will you let me take a ride
For a while
in your Life boat?


3/24/07

12.11.2007

The Beginning of Music

I didn't do anything today besides find old poems or songs I'd written and record them with my guitar and this old microphone I found and plugged into my laptop. I didn't do any studying (though my college finals are all through and high school finals don't start till Monday). I went to church, too...and I can't help but wonder.
I've always loved to write lyrics and poems. I've been in love with music for a few solid years now. I never thought I would switch schools and go to college a year and a half early with people I didn't know at all. I never thought I would lead a high school small group and give lessons just fine. I never thought I'd be able to speak, to meet new people. Now, I never think I'll be able to sing or share my thoughts with the world via songs...but who says it's impossible? If I would have stuck to my belief that it was impossible for me to leave high school early, I wouldn't be where I am today. If I would have stuck to my belief that it was impossible for me to articulate biblical principles to folks my own age, I wouldn't be leading a small group. If I would have stuck to my belief that I would never be able to meet new people and introduce myself to strangers, I never would have met the best friends I have today. So why ought I stick to this belief that it's impossible for me to sing and play my guitar and share my messages through songs? It's not impossible. Well, it is. It has been because for years I have been so reserved and won't sing or play infront of anyone. Perhaps it's time to just let the Lord use me, even here. I suppose he can use me in any way...if I just let myself be open to it...and so very vulnerable. Which scares the living daylights out of me. My songs and poems are my heart laid bare. This is terrifying!
There is alsoalways that little looming possibility that I could just entirely suck at singing and no one would tell me....blast. :P
~cday