I'm a bad friend. I don't call, I don't write, I don't feel normal feelings of detachment. Often. Then, there are those who are nearly overbearing with their caring. People who drive people like me away. So where is this happy medium of you're my friend, but understand that I can't be everyone's just one and everything all the time?
I don't really know where that came from. I'm just dreadful. I don't send birthday cards or buy Christmas gifts and I don't go to parties because they're uncomfortable.
I had a thought earlier, one of those deep ones that come every so often and now that I think about it, perhaps it's just all too simple...but...
People seem so often to be the only ones holding themselves back from being who they want to be. It's funny. We all go through deep stages in life where we feel so utterly fake and plastic, with happy smiles and fantastic facades...putting on the front for all these people--just make them happy, even if we're not. Even if we don't know who we are. Even if we're breaking. Yet the person we're pretending to be is the one person we truly want to be...really. And everyone knows this person, everyone sees this person and loves this person and wants this person to just see, gosh darn it just see how great you really are. And when we see it, when we break it all apart and build it back together, then perhaps we realize that we were what we wanted all along...we just didn't know it. Didn't know we had it in us. Really. And everyone watching is just dying for us to rebuild and realize. But we fight it. We search for other things, other people to be. Can't become our parents, can't become our church. Who should we be? For that matter, who are we for goodness sake? What if we could just be. Not that easy. It's unfortunate. I love how there are a select few who know me better than I know myself. And yet as I have become this person I'm growing comfortable with, I've grown apart from these select few and closer to the select One that really matters. And in Him I'm growing exponentially. I just had to break down and rebuild, find strength and my inner saving grace.
I feel like my thoughts just took shape of a wallyball and bounced all over four white walls, changing subjects as it went.
Sorry for the damage.
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- Courtney Day
- So, this blog is basically to keep up with people and serve as a sort of release for writing.
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6 comments:
Hey I'm so sorry about tuesday. I didn't have my phone, and I thought I would have it by the end of the day at least. Then, to top it off, Ms. Blais said I had to come in for tutorial or she wouldn't count my test grade, so that sucked.
P.S.
I don't think you caused any damage
P.S.S.
I didn't get your title at first; I was thinking, why would somebody only bake when it's cool?
hey no big deal about tuesday. it actually worked out...tues and thurs are the days i get out early and get to come home and hang out by myself, so i played guitar a lot that day and almost lost track of time when i realized i had to meet you...which i didn't. soooo it worked out dandy :) when no one's home I can sing...so i like those days haha
andddd my title was spontaneous :)
haha I still would like to hear you sing!
Wow...I love this post because it is exactly...no lie...exactly what I have been going through these past years...I feel like others know me better than I do...and over the summer I really just tried to think about myself and try to see what I have done and see who I am...I changed dramatically over summer and I was hoping that when I came back to school (because school I think is what made me change for others and not be myself) I was hoping that others would notice and you know praise me, but no nobody noticed...I feel like I did not accomplish anything by trying to become a better person...I dont know...can you tell me what you think???
well, for one, i think that when people still rely on other people noticing, then that really isn't changing too much...the person is still being fake. ya know?
just being you will come naturally and an attitude of, if they notice, they notice, if they don't, they don't, will come over you because you will finally know who you are and be confident in yourself and realize that you being who you really are and not having to stress over being fake is so much better than worrying about what people think of you.
in my opinion, of course :)
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