Dream Person

Random thought:
Do you ever have dreams with random people in them and you've never met them or came across them before, to your knowledge? Do you ever wonder if those people really exist out there somewhere in the world? Perhaps not their character or personality or mannerisms, but their bodies? That somewhere in this vast world they are walking about...not only in your dreamland, but in reality as well?

I suppose I will likely never know.

On another note, I just spent the last two days with amazing people. Tommy, Jesse, Allie, and James came over last night and we sat by a fire pit in my front yard, guitar-ed, guitar hero-ed, played cards, and ate food. Then today I went to church with Tommy and then met up with James and Allie at James' house...then we went shopping for about 4 hours...probably more. We're hardcore. No, James is hardcore. Finally we went back to James', put in Phantom of the Opera...then James and I got bored, so we put it Friends and played cards. Theeen Sharon made dinner and man she packed my plate full and I could not even begin to finish it. That was funny. She yelled at me to sit back and finish my plate and flustered, I started to sit back down and she just started cracccking up and saying just kiddding. Yeah, good stuff. I don't care much for dinner at other people's houses for that reason :) haha. But it was a fun night....fun couple of days. And tomorrow I'm hanging with Allie and James again since it's New Year's Eve and then camp!! Rad...it's going to be so cold in Big Bear :)

Not Good Enough

Here are my feelings, without the blatant whining.

Sometimes I just don’t feel
Good enough
There are so many other better
Writers and singers out there
And I just don’t feel like people really care
What I have in my heart

But I know
You put Your words inside of me
To sing and present to the world
Even when I can’t see
That people really are receiving
Pieces of You, through me

I will go on
With your plan for now
Though I don’t know
What the future holds
And I can’t see
Beyond these four constraining walls

And, I’ll find my confidence
In the faith I place
In Your words when you say
Your plans for me are good

So I’ll wait
For your blessing to fall
So I’ll wait
To see what your promises will bring
When I sing
Despite it all.

Stand up Straight

My family and I were at the neighbor's house all day learning how to make tamales. It was a lot of fun. But their family is completely different than ours. They kept downing the beers and pouring glasses of wine and cussing like sailors. It was all great fun though....and hilarious. Maybe that's bad to say. But whatever :)
Marion's sister, "Tia" I don't know her real name, actually...was a bit...well, drunk all night and kept talking and talking about random things and some relevant things. But she kept talking about posture, and standing up straight, and putting your shoulders back, and sucking in your stomach (That's why we have stomach muscles after all...) and yada yada. She came up to me once while I had my head on my mom's shoulder, just relaxing, and hit me on the back and said...."Are you slouching?" And stood me upright and said, "Raise your chin, your chin, suck it in, that's why we have stomach muscle, up straight up straight," and I just looked at her like she was crazy. Then I slouched on purpose. Yes, to tick her off. haha. Anyway, the point was...we weren't out. We were in. We were hanging out at Marion's house like we do all the time...chilling out, watching TV, relaxing and enjoying eachother. We were dressed to impress...infact I don't think anyone was there to impress anyone else. Except perhaps Tia. It aggrivated me that when we were supposed to be relaxing, we couldn't even do that...according to Tia. We had to continually stand up straight, continually suck it in, hold our heads high. Why?
So I came home a few minutes later to make cookies for Sean (Marion's husband)...because he wanted some and I was thinking over this whole situation and a song came out instead of real solid thoughts.

Mess

Stand up straight
Suck it in real tight
Watch your life being taken right before your eyes
Because this person isn't really you anymore

With your forced body frame
And your plastered on smile
You can't ever relax
Not even for just a little while

But is it worth it?
Sucking in the real you
Because

Who do you have to prove it to
Who do you have to impress
Who do you have to convince
That you're not a complete mess?

And I'm sorry to digress
But I have news for you my friend
Something you may not like to accept
But Jesus loves your mess

So who do you have to prove it to
Who do you have to impress
If Jesus loves your mess?

You don't have to be glamorous
Don't have to have sparkles and glitter
And flashes of silver and gold
For him to want to hold you
A precious mess in his big strong hands

You know how they sometimes say
One man's trash is another man's treasure
Well, Jesus he sees you as treasure everyday
So don't throw it all away
For weak thin plastic things
That will fade away and break

'Cos you can't keep this up forever
Peel the plastic off your life
And move in freedom
Dancing in broad daylight

Because
Who do you have to prove it to
Who do you have to impress
Who do you have to convince that you're not a complete mess

Who do you have to prove it to
Who do you have to impress
If Jesus really loves your mess?



I guess it's probably not original...but it does seem I always get words about just being yourself, myself, because that's who God created us all to be...and he loves us that way. Not the world's way with rigid restrictions on how things ought to be. Malarky.

My Music

Is posted on Myspace...at www.myspace.com/cdayband
if anyone is interested...
I'll warn you, the sound is really really low, so you'll have to turn up the volume quite a bit, most likely.
And probably be in a really quiet place.
And I can't edit the songs at all...so there are definite mess ups :)

The Ballad of a Blessed Old Man

This was nearly a year ago...and completely random.



The Ballad of a Blessed Old Man

Well I used to know an old man
Named Moe
And he sailed down the river
In an old row boat

And I know I know I know
He’s just so Old
But he ain’t grown cold.

He used to talk to Jesus
In his head or out loud
But he’s the happiest fellow I ever did know
And sometimes I just wish I could be

And I know I know I know

He’s just so Old

But he ain’t grown cold.

Oh Moe,
He’s got his river and his Jesus
And he seems so free
But Oh No,
Moe, What does this mean

If I don’t have a river of life
Running through me…?

Will you let me take a ride
For a while
in your Life boat?


3/24/07

The Beginning of Music

I didn't do anything today besides find old poems or songs I'd written and record them with my guitar and this old microphone I found and plugged into my laptop. I didn't do any studying (though my college finals are all through and high school finals don't start till Monday). I went to church, too...and I can't help but wonder.
I've always loved to write lyrics and poems. I've been in love with music for a few solid years now. I never thought I would switch schools and go to college a year and a half early with people I didn't know at all. I never thought I would lead a high school small group and give lessons just fine. I never thought I'd be able to speak, to meet new people. Now, I never think I'll be able to sing or share my thoughts with the world via songs...but who says it's impossible? If I would have stuck to my belief that it was impossible for me to leave high school early, I wouldn't be where I am today. If I would have stuck to my belief that it was impossible for me to articulate biblical principles to folks my own age, I wouldn't be leading a small group. If I would have stuck to my belief that I would never be able to meet new people and introduce myself to strangers, I never would have met the best friends I have today. So why ought I stick to this belief that it's impossible for me to sing and play my guitar and share my messages through songs? It's not impossible. Well, it is. It has been because for years I have been so reserved and won't sing or play infront of anyone. Perhaps it's time to just let the Lord use me, even here. I suppose he can use me in any way...if I just let myself be open to it...and so very vulnerable. Which scares the living daylights out of me. My songs and poems are my heart laid bare. This is terrifying!
There is alsoalways that little looming possibility that I could just entirely suck at singing and no one would tell me....blast. :P
~cday

Black Cat

I found this poem that doesn't have a title or a date...but I know what it's about and I know when I wrote it. And I like it. I don't know why. I just put the first part, because it's my favorite...from here on you could tell I was losing what, if your opinion merits any, passion I had to begin with. Hah...here you are :) Remember this?

You're talking about the weather
And I'm closing the windows up
Sipping green tea
From a round gold cup
Warm going down,
Unlike the frigid wind's sound
And
There's a black cat on the cold dark cement
Illuminated by the street lights
And the fireflies,
That should be in hiding
For winter's come and's now residing--
But they're in my stomach now
and coming out my mouth
The words fall out the window
And the black cat just meows.

Lyrical Legos

I played with Legos yesterday.
It felt good…
Reminiscent of childhood…
Doing things, physically, not just abstractly.
But really getting in there, touching pieces,
And making things.
So much of what I do is not solid.
So much of what I make cannot be touched.
Thoughts remain unreachable.
Words are but an essence…not physical.
Lyrics float on invisible lines in the air…
I wish I could touch them.
I wish I could form my hands around them and hold them and caress them and put them in their rightful place…
That thought means this word there, not here. And this melody here, not there.
But it’s all in the air…
A breeze, a spirit, a vapor, a wind.
Intangible.

Book

One day, I will write a book, and blow everyone's socks off...and it will be the most scary thing I will have ever done, and yet I will feel so free.
Everything will be an open book; my life.

Out of the Mainstream Beauty

I want to take
Photographs
Of life’s great schemes
Toss them around in a big wooden bowl
With salad dressing the taste of beauty

Would you come with me
On this out of the mainstream
Journey
To forever

We can write everything down
The odd little sounds
The door makes on our way out
The sound of the morning dew on the grass
And the last sip of coffee that will just have to last

Along our journey
To forever

Would you come with me
On this out of the mainstream
Journey
To far beyond
What the eye can perceive
in a glimpse of grotesque reality

We can take notes
On the palates of our hearts
To keep for eternity
And share with the souls
Intertwined with freedom
As we are

Along our journey
To forever
And so much more.

-----------

All I've wanted to do lately is sit and write. Or draw. But mostly write. And sing and play guitar.

This poem came from the thinking that people don't see beauty. It's everywhere...life is a never ending process of beauty. You don't have to travel over seas to see something exquisite. Use your imagination--don't just walk by life not realizing that you are held captive, in this vast universe, by beautiful things all day--you are intertwined with it, whether you like it or not, and yet you are free to see it whenever you please. The ugly things can be beautiful. Something so simple can be poetic and come alive!--as long as you don't write it off as artistically dead to begin with.

Sometimes I wish people saw life through my eyes.

Other times I know they'd think I was constantly insane.

So come on this journey with me...if you dare...to twist things a little and see them as beautiful.

The Hide-and-Seek Darkness

So I wrote this song last night, on a whim. I picked up my guitar and started picking some random stuff and words actually came out and I was able to continue picking.
I just wrote what I said, tweaking a few words here and there.
But I think it's how I feel sometimes...in those low places, where I just want to be all light-happy-and-joyous appearing but I just don't feel that way. I wish, often, that I can just pull that "good attitude" out of my pocket. Like that's what a Christian is supposed to do. I know this isn't human-nature and it's not normal to be perky and happy all the time. The Lord lets us feel down. We do go through peaks and valleys. Sometimes I feel like it's a game of hide-and-seek...the happiness, lightness, and brighness of life goes away, so we have to seek it again, and in doing so we seek the Lord.
The song is in wont of more...which will likely come eventually. Right now I'm just excited at my first "full" picking song hah! This is the gist of it:

The Hide-and-Seek Darkness

I walk through life
Wondering where to find you
Where are you hiding
How about you come and find me

With your hair the same shade as mine
And a deeper shimmer in your eye
A laugh but an echo of mine
And a bigger more sincere smile

Where can I find you
My other self in warmer hue
A spirit so divine
And entertwined with heaven's light

Come shine through
The hide and seek darkness
12/02/07

Sugar, Sugar--Russshhhh

Who knew I would be working with Jr. Highers--and enjoying it. Tonight "my" Jr. High girls group came over. We were supposed to play the game "bigger & better", while looking at the sporadic displays of lights already adorning houses in the neighborhood. We were then supposed to stay outside, light the fire pit, and I was going to give a message, then we could worship back at the church. However, God decided to be funny and made it rain. And I'm not talking a light drizzle where running around and dancing in the rain would still be a quite plausible and even enjoyable way for an 11 or 12 year old girl to spend an alotted two hours. No, this was a down-pour. A constant, yet unpredictable down-pour all day. It would stop raingin for literally two minutes, then pick up again by the time I could run across the street to borrow a single egg and run back, un-jacket-ed and get soaked, hah! The point is, I never before realized how small our house is. We have had multiple Christmas parties--with adults, who take up much more space than the 20 or so people here tonight. Yet the house immediately shrunk, honest to goodness, as these awkward young girls started flooding the doorway, not exactly sure what to do with themselves and flailing all over the place like wild monkeys on 3-week-old bananas bursting with sugar molecules. Except their sugar-bananas of choice were actually massive amounts of sugar cookies and graham crackers all heavily coated with multiple colors of frosting.

Insanity!

And yet....I wouldn't have had it any other way, really.

It amazed me :)

This is what we're here for...to not worry about how much frosting or chocolate is getting ground into the carpet. To not worry about how there's probably apple cider spilt in places we couldn't currently imagine. We're here to get these girls together, watch them in their awkward stages all the way until their blossoming fully into beautiful, mature young women of Christ, and maybe even beyond. We're here to lead them into a quiet place, teach them truths of the Word and worship our Maker.

I gave an adapted message of the "What does God think of your feet?" topic I also gave at my high school group about a month or so ago...perhaps longer. They actually calmed down and I have no idea how receptive they were. I have no clue if they got anything from it, if it made a lick of sense...but that's not of my doing or fulfillment to know, I suppose. They were, I do hope, the Lord's words and his to wriggle into the hearts of those moldable girls.

It does remind me that this is what I want to do. I do love to teach...to explain and shed light. Yet I sometimes doubt it...that it's just this idea I have and that, infact, I am no good at articulating truths at all...I suppose I will find out someday, where my road will lead. Whether it be teaching, or not.

For now, I have pictures :)

Tiana and Mariko...the red nose reindeer?

Hayley, Tiana, Mariko...decorating their sugar cookies

The crew, making graham cracker houses :)

Time to settle down and have a message....about feet. Hah

These girls truly are a blessing and tonight was crazily wonderful.

2 cups of coffee that did me no good while they were here (as I was still apparently dragging and wiped out from baking all afternoon) is now taking a grip on my system and doesn't seem to want to release me to the comfort of my bed and a deep, much desired and needed, sleep.

Perhaps in a few hours...

Paintings and Poetry

Paintings are like poems without words. Beyond the surface they can mean so much more. Yet to most it is easier to express oneself using words and metaphors--things we can understand rather than...see and then comprehend. In black and white, often, it is easier to come to a result. I have the utmost respect and gratitude to those who use their art to convey a sense of meaning where people can see it and feel it at the same time. Using their imagination, putting themselves in the picture...painting, drawing, photograph. I wish I had more of a gifting like this. I wish I had more of a motivation to paint life, as I see it, on a blank canvas. Perhaps my view of life is currently skewed. Nonetheless...someday.

I'm Still Alive

I haven't posted in quite a while, for me, although it seems like such a short while. Funny how life passes quickly when your life is packed full of things to do and accomplish.
From Wednesday till Sunday I spent re-doing, re-painting, re-decorating, and re-furnishing my bedroom. Before that, all extra time was spent on church, school, and finding floors. I now have hard-wood-like lamenent IKEA flooring and white "decorative" closet organizers as well as a new desk...well, soon to be desk. It isn't finished. My dad and I are going to make a top for it...that doesn't make sense now. But I will post pictures of our tiresome weekend and the products of our labor later :)
Hope everyone had a swell Thanksgiving...


It feels good to be organized...in an OCD kind of way though.

Cleared Out

God is funny...I think. Or mean. I haven't decided (...joke...) .

He managed to completely clear out my day today and handled everything that I did end up having to do, quite well. Surprise, surprise at his perfect-ness.

For the past few weeks my days have been leading up to this one...and it's been stressful.

Yet today He showed me how easily all of it can be gone. How he can truly change the tides and how He can truly take care of everything. And the everything we know is just doesn't compare to what He has for us. What can mortal man do to me? Can I add a single hour to my life by worrying? Can the Lord calm the storm? Can I take refuge in Him when things are going crazy...when my emotions are up and down just as much as my hectic schedule? Of course. Praise the Lord. Seriously though. Praise Him for being able to take your plate and dump it...make it crystal clean and sparkling. Praise Him for being capable and compassionate. I have today. He works things out for good. Tis true. And it takes a climax like the last few days to make a person realize that she just has to depend on Him, that she can't do it alone...this whole lifeboat thing.

I feel like these merchants I read about in Psalms 107:23-32. They went out to sea and saw the wonderful works of the Lord...but the Lord brought about a storm at sea. Even in the midst of his beautiful work, the merchants began to be fearful, they lost courage. They didn't know what to do...but then they cried out the the Lord and he delivered them. He completely stilled the storm and the crew praised the Lord with all their hearts as the Lord lead them to their destination.

I'm in the midst of the great things God is doing in my life...his great workmanship. I'm in a great school, a fantastic opportunity with some of the best people. I'm a leader, as I have, deep down, always longed to be, just never had the courage or avenues as I do now. Yet even here, I am hounded, I am hit by storms, projects building up and ministry duties piling high...I feel like I'm sinking...I don't know what to do and I am fearful at failing. But the last two days I have been crying out to the Lord and he has helped me...erased my worries and my stress level has plummeted. It's great! And I know that this is just a part of the journey...this is a part of growth. The Lord cannot perform in his power if I don't fall short--there would be no need. And I do fall short, just by being human, and just by not having enough hands, arms, legs, ears, mouths, and hours in the day, for that matter.

He has cleared the weather and, although it is not going to always be, it's smooth sailing...for now...

Next I just pray he'll just clear out my sinuses...achoooo

-cday

Sick

I am sick today and sound like a frog. Just thought

Talk, Talk, Talk and So much Listening.

People like to talk about themselves. Or not even themselves, but their life. And what they're going through. Or what they know about someone else. Or an experience of someone else's that they just want to talk about. It's funny. People like to talk. But few take time to Listen.

I suppose it may be because I have grown up listening for so long, that I have decided I don't prefer talking too much. A good deal of the time the words that spout out of people's mouths are hypocritical, vain, or just plain stupid. I'm not trying to be mean here. Observe and you will see yourself. A woman on survivor this season (my family is addicted and when I'm home, it happens that I watch it haha) told a man who wasn't very social, a gravedigger, that if he's forced to have a conversation, to just keep asking people about themselves because people like talking about themselves. It's so true.

Sometimes I listen so much to people that I just can't formulate my own thoughts anymore. Does that ever happen to anyone else? It's like...numbness. You're listening, you can retell to the person what they've just said, but it hasn't had any time to sink in because they just keep going and going. Then they pause, want your thoughts, but you can't deliver because it's just ongoing. Consequently, they keep going because no one likes a pause to let things settle down. We all like business. We all like to fill the space with something.

There are those times that I so desire to get something in edgewise but I can't. There is no room once I come too. Sometimes I would really like people to care. Sometimes I would like to care more. All of the time I would like it to just not be about me. When I make it about me is when the problems arise.

Anyway, I have really seen this lately. How time is filled up with other people's words and little is left for mine. It doesn't matter or hurt my feelings so much because I do actually like to listen. It is possible for me to just listen. I do things like this to release. I write, I sing, I draw, I paint, I swim...and I pray.

I've been thinking about this and, as well, thinking of the reasons why it is so necessary to worship God and trying to formulate it into a way I can clearly understand it. On one hand I know why I worship the Lord, he is always faithful and always so good to me. On the other hand, he is the Lord and I have this picture of a humble Jesus in my mind that doesn't need my halfhearted praise. For real, what is man that the Lord cares for me...I'm like a breath; my days are fleeting (Psalm 144: 3-4)...I am insignificant. He doesn't need me.

Yet he does care. Though I don't deserve Him too. And I do come to him in prayer. And it is mostly petition. Lord, help me with this...Lord come touch me here. Lord be with me, strengthen me, sustain me, change me, be everything and more...to me. I ask, I vent, I pray, I petition, I talk and talk and talk and talk and talk some more to the Lord...and he never grows weary of listening. He never stops listening. Because he can listen forever. And what's more, his feelings don't get hurt. But how good does he feel when we stop. When I stop and just realize...Wow. How good are You, Lord? How amazing are You? Praise Your name Lord. You are bigger and better than anything. You are Everything. Words cannot begin to express how amazing You are! I cannot tell You enough how Great You are! But just because I can't put it into words...just because I can't say it enough...does that mean that I don't say it at all? No. That means I do all that I can to get my point across because He deserves it! Like no other.

He listens to us all day long, filling up space with talk, talk, talk. Pointless sometimes. Drama other times. Hypocritical the rest of the time. Yet he still listens, he still listens. And we talk and talk and drown Him out. The poor guy is here with us and we're talking and venting and we are not being the good Friend who let's him get a word in edgewise. We are, probably, one of the worst friends to Him because we expect Him to just listen. But he doesn't want to just listen anymore than you or I want to just listen all the time. He wants to give His thoughts too. He wants to tell us about Himself and the plans He has for us too and what's going on in His day and where we can help Him...by stepping out in faith and talking to someone, or praying for something that hasn't yet crossed our mind and won't until we stop talking for a second and listen.

Listening like this can be so hard. I realize that I can listen endlessly to a person talking, physically, to me. But listening to God...being silent and still before Him is just harder. Not filling that silence is difficult.

I don't know why I wrote this. I don't know why I've been thinking about this more lately. I think it's because I've been talking a lot to God about myself lately and not so much about the important things, like my family, friends, small group, jr. high group, etc. It's been a lot of me talking about myself and little time talking on behalf of others. So, I think I really need to change that. And it's going to start now...

-cday

Better than Any Drug

God is crazy! He's hilarious! I love how I come into his chambers with certain expectations and he blows them out of the water.


For our high school small group leadership meeting today, the healing center and prophesy team came in to pray for us. I love that. I get so anxious, anticipating what the Lord has to say to me and if he will at all. We began worshipping and the team started circulating in between us, scoping us all out and seeing where the Holy Spirit was leading them. A lady came up to me, early on, and began praying over me...I forgot her name. She prayed that the Holy Spirit would come, fall on me, dwell in me, and uncover spiritual gifts. Nothing happened when she prayed. I was slightly discouraged, but still open to what God had for me. She left and I continued to worship. Within a song or two the air started to thicken around me...I could no longer sing, I could no longer sway. I was still, my legs didn't seem to want to work and my mouth just wanted to be still. It was as if the Lord was taking all the energy from me and I was still and silenced before him. Shortly thereafter, as I was still in a state of stillness, two ladies came over. I think one of them was the first lady. She had said she felt led to me in the beginning and I suppose she felt led again. I could definitely feel the Holy Spirit surrounding me and my goodness is it powerful and amazing. I cannot put it into words. I can hardly even try. A lady spoke behind me "Precious", she said and began laying hands on me, speaking in tongues. The first lady, as well, laid hands. Between the two of them I was surrounded and the power radiated. My hands were lifted, as they had remained throughout, and I soon got this heat sensation in them. But it was strange, it was just in a circle in the center of my palm...this warm light pulsing feeling. I began to shake. First my hands, then my whole body. Then I was calming down and twice almost fell. Had not the ladies held me up I would have gone down. The power was amazing.


The last prayer session like this I was filled with fire and heat and yet, at the same time, a sense of floating and complete peace. I went into wanting to shake.


This time I went into it rather expecting to be at peace and not to shake. This time I shook.


The Lord is funny like that.


And the Lord is so fulfilling.


I am realizing I have not been doing the best job for this small group. I have not been inviting the Holy Spirit to come and dwell with us. I have not been expecting and earnestly desiring. I have been going along with the motions, forgetting that allowing the Holy Spirit to work, giving the Lord time to actually come is the most important part. Not my message, no matter how annointed I think it may be. The Holy Spirit needs room. Those girls deserve a leader who will allow it. And I need to step it up and draw nearer to the Lord.





Nights like these are the best.


Refreshment, rejuvenation, Hope.


Man, the Lord is Good.

Me

This is the stupidest (w/c? hahh) blog ever lately.
It's all about me.
And you know why?
Because I was feeling fake...or something like that.
I started looking through all my old things, reminiscing on the person I used to be and feeling like I was cheating myself. Like I'd strayed too far from the person I really am.
But that person was never the person I wanted to be in the first place. The person I am now, the leader, the God follower, a prayer warrior, a vessel, a testimony, a changed person. New-- reborn, and improved--by God's restoration. That is the person woman I have always wanted to be. I need growth still and will forever...but I do not need to retreat because I'm changing.

In the past few days I've really realized some things. It's funny how someone can say something and not know how much you relate to them, or how much, in that simple idea or experience, your eyes have opened to see your own self and circumstances in a new light.

I was on my way to prayer on Tuesday and thinking of all the things I really needed prayer for, but which ones I would actually say. I decided that all my problems are likely spawned from one: My devotions and alone time with the Lord have been lacking. I have been so tired lately when I have the house to myself that I am lazy and nap. I have been hit with so many headaches lately that when it comes time to do my devotions at night, I can't focus on the physical words, much less generate any emotions or spiritual strengthening from them. Do I rebuke the headaches? Well no, I'm too tired, of course. Is that the biggest cop out ever? Well yes, of course. Anyway, I'm going too indepth here. I made my way to prayer and met up with Sammie who, true to form, had the same prayer request as me. Her devotions and alone time with God, as mine, were pathetic. Then she said it...she felt disgusting. Dirty. Ugly. Gross. Hey, I thought to myself, I feel that way too. Hey, I thought again, as puzzle pieces collided and a fuzzy picture came into focus, it all started when I stopped pursuing the Lord as fully. When I got busy. When my schedule changed. When I took that baby step away from my Jesus to focus on other things that, while they are important, can and never should be as important as the Lord.
Jesus is perfect, beauty, light. He is in me, reflected outward. When I am in his presence. Whilst I had stepped away the beauty faded. As the beauty faded I began to feel worse. It got darker, yes. And the darkness is simply depressing. I receded. More beauty left me. The light grew dimmer. I was left with ugliness. Guiltiness at not being able to be everything. Failure. Didn't I remember there is no condemnation for those in Jesus Christ. But then, hadn't I stepped out of Him. Wasn't I, then, vulnerable, unarmed, to attack by the Enemy's condemnation, lies, and deception which I then allowed to penetrate and dictate my actions. Malarkey.
There will be valleys and mountains and learning experiences. I have had an experience and it has been illustrated for me. Unfortunately I am a visual learner. I can see all these things happening, in the aftermath. But initially, I did not see them panning out as they would. As they, now have, of course, and yes, the Lord uses it for His good. Because He is Good.

Steven Curtis Chapman God Follower Lyrics

My heart is restless as I wander through this jungle
The trees above refuse to let the sunlight through
And somewhere deep inside I hear the whispered longings
That tell me I was made for more than this

A blinding flash of light falls down into the darkness
Slowly I notice strange new markings on the trail
The crimson drops are calling out to me come and follow
"I am the God who made you, let Me show you how to live"
And I cry…

I want to be a God follower
I want to go wherever He leads
I want to be a God follower
I want to walk the trail He’s marked for me
And be a God follower
(More than anything)

And now I journey on with purpose and with passion
Just like a dead man who’s been given breath again
And though this path can still grow dark with tears and sorrow
I know He will never leave me
So with everything I am I will say…

And when I reach God’s place
I will look into His face
And then I’ll look for you
Will I find you there?
Can you say with me…
I want to be a God follower
I want to be a God follower
I want to be a God follower
I want to be a God follower

Balance

I'm not gonna lie. I'm having a hard time. I watch all these shows, I go to this class, I read these books about nutrition and how it's so important and people are aging their bodies and dying so much sooner and in a lot of cases it's all preventable by exercise and nutrition. Yet I come home and my mom and I have a conversation about it all and she says she's worried this nutrition class is making things worse, that I need to not be so picky about eating healthy and that one piece of pizza or one chicken wing or one cheeseburger is not going to cause a heart attack. I know this. But shoot, one leads to another. I have plenty of "ones". But I feel better (!) when I'm eating healthy. It's good when I exercise. It gives me something to do. So just because I'm being "too picky" means we can't have healthy food? She basically said it's irrelevant and "not about that" because she used to have a greasy cheeseburger and brownie ice cream at Frostyz everyday when she was in high school. It did make some sort of difference. She just can't see it yet. I wish I could control the cupboards and shop myself at Trader Joe's or Whole Foods or Henry's or somethingggg. But Trader Joe's, being the only one my mom will shop at, stresses me out. It's such a small store and I never feel like I can look around before I start freaking out.
What spurred this post was Oprah. Hah! Dr. Oz is on and took a servey of the audience's health. The healiest woman in the audience cooks nearly all her meals herself (no eating out/fast food/ processed/ preservatives) and she runs three times a week with a friend and swims two other days of the week. That is amazing! I want to do that! At least the exercise. The eating too, actually. Maybe I should take a culinary class next semester so I can cook dinners. I am really awful at cooking. But I need to learn how if I'm ever going to truly be a healthy person. I am so clueless when it comes to cooking...I burn grilled cheese for heaven's sake.
Anyway, I've really been wanting to go running. It's like this itch I've been having. But not just running. Prayer running. I think I need to do it. But I'm a girl and my parents are worried about me running around the neighborhood alone in the mornings. Especially since there have been a few early-morning break-in's to cars and garages lately.
Other than that, I really want to, sometime in my lifetime, participate in a triathalon. I think that would be amazing. And it's not so much the triathalon part. It's the training that takes place months and months before. The discipline to realize there is really a goal at the end. I don't know if my body would even be able to hold up. I've had knee and back problems since middle school. But part of the problem, my doctor said, may be that I don't have enough "core strength"...abs. And I just haven't used my legs in years so perhaps if I start slower I could gain strength and build them up.
I read this book over the summer called Prayerwalk by Janet Holm McHenry and it was seriously amazing. I recommend it a lot. It makes you want to get up and do something, for your community, for your healthy, and, most importantly for God--to see him released by prayer throughout your community and personal life. It's goood. :)