Fad Baker

I'm a bad friend. I don't call, I don't write, I don't feel normal feelings of detachment. Often. Then, there are those who are nearly overbearing with their caring. People who drive people like me away. So where is this happy medium of you're my friend, but understand that I can't be everyone's just one and everything all the time?
I don't really know where that came from. I'm just dreadful. I don't send birthday cards or buy Christmas gifts and I don't go to parties because they're uncomfortable.
I had a thought earlier, one of those deep ones that come every so often and now that I think about it, perhaps it's just all too simple...but...


People seem so often to be the only ones holding themselves back from being who they want to be. It's funny. We all go through deep stages in life where we feel so utterly fake and plastic, with happy smiles and fantastic facades...putting on the front for all these people--just make them happy, even if we're not. Even if we don't know who we are. Even if we're breaking. Yet the person we're pretending to be is the one person we truly want to be...really. And everyone knows this person, everyone sees this person and loves this person and wants this person to just see, gosh darn it just see how great you really are. And when we see it, when we break it all apart and build it back together, then perhaps we realize that we were what we wanted all along...we just didn't know it. Didn't know we had it in us. Really. And everyone watching is just dying for us to rebuild and realize. But we fight it. We search for other things, other people to be. Can't become our parents, can't become our church. Who should we be? For that matter, who are we for goodness sake? What if we could just be. Not that easy. It's unfortunate. I love how there are a select few who know me better than I know myself. And yet as I have become this person I'm growing comfortable with, I've grown apart from these select few and closer to the select One that really matters. And in Him I'm growing exponentially. I just had to break down and rebuild, find strength and my inner saving grace.
I feel like my thoughts just took shape of a wallyball and bounced all over four white walls, changing subjects as it went.
Sorry for the damage.

Small Group Update

Melinda Newkirk prayed about it and informed us she couldn't be the adult leader. Things were not looking good and I was giving up and giving it to God. Basically just thinking there would be no small group. Teale reminded me Friday night that things were going to happen last minute and this was still last minute.
I've been mulling it over and not knowing what to do but just letting whatever happens happen.
Allie called me tonight and said her mom, Charlotte, has been praying about it and wants to do lead and we can even have it at her house. The launch is tomorrow and I haven't made flyers or gotten a table set up or anything. So I don't think I'm going to...it's too last minute, actually. But then, if I would have been smart, I would have listened the first time and known that this was going to happen. Oh me of little faith. Yep.

Amazing Answer to Prayer through Prophesy!!

I've been giving this small group leadership position up to God, going back and forth between wanting to do it, being intimidated, and getting really stoked at the idea! But I still haven't been sure, 100% if I'm supposed to do this. I still don't know for sure if it's going to work out, but I think I need to try to make it work now.
We had senior lounge tonight, where seniors break off into a separate room and eat (Chinese tonight) food and a separate speaker comes to give a special message. I've never met, nor seen this guy before, but he's amazing--Kevin something or other. Anyway, he gave a message about David and Bathsheba and how David should have been at war and fighting a battle instead of at home twidling his thumbs, letting the other guys take care of it, and getting led into temptation. I applied this to my experiences lately. I feel like I could easily sit back at home Thursday nights and not lead a small group, I would have y Sunday night mandatory monthly leadership meeting freed up, not to mention the hours spent on follow up phone calls, preparation for messages, and separate meetings with the adult leader every week. I could let someone else fight this small group leadership battle. Easily. But that would leave me vulnerable to temptation, a lack of accountability, which I so desire and need as well.
Kevin's message was short and sweet, but then he just kind of stopped. Started looking around the small room with about 40ish seniors packing rows of chairs. He stopped at a guy with a red shirt on and started prophesying over him, telling him he'd dream dreams and get visions in his sleep. He started talking again, but stopped again and finally came to me. I was the second or third one, out of only four, to be prophesied over. He said he felt like I was going through something in College. Don't know where I'm going, am kind of confused. But God will use mentors and elders in the church to help guide my plans. That things will be very last minute, but seem to just fall together in the end. God works in just the right amount of time, basically, not too soon and not too late. Also, that I would be a light in this place, that God would fill my mouth with words, and when I open it, I will be surprised at what comes out because they won't be mine, basically, but God's.
I think this was my confirmation for leading this small group. I think the educational setting he meant for me was actually this small group. I think this for several reasons: 1) I have been looking for an older, wise woman to lead me. When I first met Melinda Newkirk (the potential adult leader of the group), I was drawn to her and had thoughts about a mentorship in the future. I would meet with her twice a week and she is going to have to help me greatly and guide me when it comes to this small group, since I haven't done it before. 2) This is all very last minute. I am the only group who still has virtually no one set up, yet slowly, things are working out. I found an apprentice tonight, hopefully and God has seriously layed her on my heart for a while now. Each time I think about small group, she pops in my head. Over the summer I got to know her better and have grown to really love and respect her, which is perfect! Looks like God's been preparing my heart. 3) My one fear about small group is that when I open my mouth my words will not be God's, but my own...and I know my words alone are not sufficient--at all. So knowing that God will be my mouth is extremely encouraging!
Basically tonight was awesome. I'm calling John Hoffman (P.J. hah!) tomorrow to tell him I'm on board if we can get a good day, place, and Melinda is for sure willing to help a lot!
This is working out, it looks like, though there are definitely some things that need to be ironed out still.
God is amazing. And I seriously love prophesy! I want the gift of prophesy! Maybe someday :)

Small Group

Pray for me!
I'm kind of stressed right now...which is mildly ridiculous.
The story:
Allie, Layne and I have been searching for a high school small group adult leader for months to no avail. Allie decided she feels God calling her to focus more on her Kid's Club ministry (plus school, and a job) and I don't know what Layne's story is but the point is, they aren't doing it anymore. I've never led a group before yet still feel like it may be something God wants me to do. John said Melinda Newkirk said she'd be an adult leader if need be and I need her! I don't know her well, but she's in her midforties or so and, so I've heard, is quite wise and will be able to help me out a lot...I'm intimidated, yes and do not want to go through with this if God is not going to be backing me up...if this is not a battle I'm supposed to fight I don't want to be left vulnerable and I don't want the girls in the group to suffer for it either! So please, if you think about it, pray that I would get a sense of clarity, understanding, and direction on where to go with this new leadership information. Am I really ready to take this on? Or is the devil just trying to get me not to? I don't know. I need the power of God here people--pray! hahhhh no but seriously...thanks ;)

Amanda and Emily

Today was an odd day. It was one of those where I just didn't much care for anyone or want to see anyone all that much or talk or be a friend. Isolation was what I felt I needed. My room's a mess, my car's a mess, and I just felt discombobulated. Not a good feeling :) But I was looking forward to the gym, a nice hour swim, maybe more. But then my mom asked me to keep an eye on Connor while they went to his parent night for the new incoming 6th graders from 5:30-6:40 or something like that. I was planning on leaving for the gym at 6:00 to do some lap swimming and was bummed I couldn't leave till 6:30. Turns out it was perfect timing though. While at the gym I ran into some 7th grade girls who recognized me as "Darbie's cousin's best friend" (a.k.a Jessica's besft friend). They were in the lane next to me and we chatted about the PE department (since I may be interning there soon) and they said I should definitely come spend some time on the field. I kept swimming, as did they, and then got out and went to change. While in the locker room, the girls meandered in to change themselves and stopped by to chat again. They asked where I went to school, if I'd graduated. I explained the Middle College experience and my current desire to be a PE teacher. They thought that was awesome. The most talkative, Emily, told me she swam for Heartland, as did I, so we talked about that some, and I told them both to never stop swimming because it's great for you and helps keep you healthy. It was just fun to talk to these girls and listen to what they had to say as well and if I could do that for a living, encourage kids to stay healthy, active, and in school, how satisfying would that be?
My mom thinks I'll get bored being a PE teacher, and who knows, I might. My dad, on the other hand, actually thinks it'd be an awesome job. Eh, I have years to decide still.
But tomorrow, our Jr. High girls small group is going to play WallyBall! How excitiiiing :)

Wedding

I have never been the kind of gal who's dreampt of her wedding day. I know I'd rather it be small and outside...but I haven't pictured it, seen myself in white...blah blah blah. But I come home today and my mom has a bridal magazine out on the kitchen table. So I sit down and skim it through while eating a bowl of cereal and find THE dress. I mean, it's me. I've never liked the idea of a wedding dress or spending tons of money on a dress that isn't even "me". But this dress is me! And I slightly wish I were ready to get married...yeah right!
So, I decided to post a picture of it. I also think it will be interesting to look back, when I do get married, and see if I even like this dress anymore, when the time comes.

p.s. click on the picture to make it bigger... :)

Mistakes

I don't want to be a woman who knows a lot about what's right and better in life as a result of experiences doing wrong and bad things that have taught me a lesson. I want to look back on my life and give encouraging and positive advice on the basis of knowing what is right because it has worked for me...not knowing something is wrong because it has worked against me. Does that make any sense?
In short, I don't want to learn the hard way, perhaps.
Today I went to Starbucks with an old friend, Tommy. Man, we have a ton of memories, hardships, and humorous and complex circumstances that we've been through together in the 13(!) years we've known eachother. Wow...that's quite a while, hadn't realized that. At any rate, it was great to sit around and laugh our heads off and say some things without even having to say anything at all because we just knew what we'd been through and how hilarious it was. I love that. And it encourages me. That there are people out there and future people who I will be able to sit around and just be myself with and talk about life with...being sarcastic, funny, deep, spiritual, and serious all at the same time. I was beginning to think that that kind of relationship/friendship didn't exist for me anymore and wouldn't ever again. But it does and will and it's great.

On another note, summer is four days officially over. College classes start on Monday, so it's just half days this week, but still--summer is kaput. Well, this is the last year before life happens...hah!

Attack

I've had numerous people prophesy over me that I have a heart of God...a heart intertwined with the Father's. And also that I have to believe this, because sometimes I don't. Often times I don't, actually. I think that my heart is so far from God's and it's just my feelings doing the talking or writing. So I don't talk much and I'm embarrassed and scared to sing my songs, write my books, and share my thoughts with people. But if I have the heart of God beating in my chest and producing truths...the enemy is not going to dig that! In fact, he'll try to do anything to not let God's heart be released in this world.
I'm, we're, under attack everyday. And sometimes I get weak and fall, stumble, can't seem to muster strength enough to flee. But we're under attack because we're a part of something so powerful and amazing. And that ought to be worth fighting for.

I took a walk this morning, a prayerwalk. It was so excited. I feel good and energized, but refreshed in spirit as well. I was sitting in my room this morning wondering if I should go on a prayerwalk or not, my parents were still asleep and I couldn't do much till then but I was being lazy...then it hit me. If I don't do anything, make time for God, how am I expected to receive him and what he has to reveal to me and do in my life? So I went and it was good.

EDIT
I took my car into the shop yesterday because it was making funny sounds, like an airplane going over head, when I braked. Well, they just called and said it's going to be $800. Now I know my parents don't just have $800 lying around so I really need some prayers here. Atleast that I can find a job soon and repay my parents in time. Plus making my car payment as it is. I probably wouldn't have taken this so well had I not gone on my prayerwalk this morning. Hah, funny :) Anyway, prayers much needed and appreciated.
Have a great Saturday

Flashback

"The picture on the veil I see is flat
It hides my eyes behind it's lies
That this all I'm supposed to be
Uncover me--
Give me eyes to see Your reality
All I'm really missing out on
Sweet beauty--
Truth unfold Yourself
As You unravel this blinding veil
Give me clarity
Restore my sight
And breathe Your breath of life
In me
Sweet release
Bring Your freedom"
8.2.07

Have you ever had flashbacks of your life. You're just standing somewhere and a vision of the past pops up in your head? It's happened a lot this past week or two. Not good flashbacks though. Feelings of being alone and tired and on the edge of two worlds. But mainly I find that all these flashbacks are silent. Other people talk, but I'm always silent. Maybe it means something. Maybe not.
Today was a good day :) Jr. High group went well...except I felt awful all day and was seriously wondering if I was going to make it at all. Seeing the girls was an encouragement though. It hit me today, as it does at so many random points in my life, that God is so much bigger than me. That he cares is amazing. But I also realized that I am a part of something, something extraordinary. Something that, in and of itself, sets me apart, causes people to do a double-take. I can't steal the glory from my God. He deserves it, when I am so small.
I was in Michael's today, buying a drawing pad and pencils (I've started sketching again and rekindled a lost love!), but I was at the check out line and couldn't help staring at this woman with three young children. She was average height and so thin. Too thin. I didn't take note of her because she was glowing, because she was a good mom, because she had a good character and had the heart of God on her sleeve. No. I noticed her for worldly reasons. I don't want to be that person. I want to exude God's grace, goodness, beauty...the list goes on! God sent his Son...a perfect imitation of himself and he sent him having, "...no beauty or majesty to attract us to him, nothing in his appearance that we should desire him," (Isaiah 53). And people, yes, rejected Him, but also flocked to Him and follow Him still today. Not for how He looked, but how He simply was all that is good. And yeah, I was created in God's image, thus the image of Jesus, if he is the exact representation of God...so yes, I'm not perfect on the outside, I'm not supposed to be. The inside is what counts. And my oh my have I gone off on all the trains of thought racing through my head wildly...all trying to reach the single station that answers the question Who am I and what am I supposed to do with my past and future? Interesting. I just want to be seen by the world as this woman describes her friend: "At the time I first saw Jennifer, I simply would have told you something was wonderfully different about her...she had a knowing in her eyes that seemed unusual for one her age...I know now that I was seeing Jennifer not so differently from how Jennifer sees most all of the time--with eyes of the Spirit. I saw the invisible hand of God on her. And I have never failed to see it since." (Beth Moore from her Foreword in Jennifer Rothschild's book Lessons I Learned in the Dark) I want God to be written so deeply on the tablet of my heart that it can't help but rub off on the outside and spill out. I don't want pain, sorrow, sickness, and frailty to be written on my face. I want the supernatural light, strength, and beauty of the Lord.

Casting Crowns new music:

This is exactly how I feel this week, month, year, two years...but especially early this morning as I layed awake at 3:30am and never went back to sleep. And later this morning when I went for a walk and felt like I was floating...caffeine, lack of sleep, low iron (?). Then I get in my car at 6:30am and hear this song for the first time and almost cry.

"East to West"
Here I am Lord and I’m drowning
In Your sea of forgetfulness
The chains of yesterday surround me
I yearn for peace and rest
I don’t want to end up where You found me
And it echoes in my mind
Keeps me awake tonight

I know You’ve cast my sin as far
As the East is from the West
And I stand before You now
As though I’ve never sinned
But today I feel like I’m just one mistake away
From You leaving me this way

Jesus, can You show me just how far the East is from the West?
Cause I can’t bear to see the man I’ve been
Rising up in me again
In the arms of Your mercy I find rest
You know just how far the East is from the West
From one scarred hand to the other

I start the day, the war begins
Endless reminding of my sin
And time and time again
Your truth is drowned out by the storm I’m in
Today I feel like I’m just one mistake away
From You leaving me this way

Jesus, can You show me just how far the East is from the West?
Cause I can’t bear to see the man I’ve been
Come rising up in me again
In the arms of Your mercy I find rest
Cause You know just how far the East is from the West
From one scarred hand to the other

I know You’ve washed me white
Turned my darkness into light
I need Your peace to get me through
To get me through this night
I can’t live by what I feel
About the truth Your word reveals
And I’m not holding onto You
But You’re holding onto me
You’re holding onto me

Jesus, You know just how far the East is from the West
I don't have to see the man I’ve been
Come rising up in me again
In the arms of Your mercy I find rest (mercy I find rest)
You know just how far the East is from the West
From one scarred hand to the other

(Just how far, the East is from the West, Just how far)
From one scarred hand to the other
(You know just how far, the East is from the West, Just how far)
From one scarred hand to the other


God is bigger than my issues.

Note to self:

I really like the name Grayson...

Perfection

So I'm having a funky day. I just don't feel good. I'm questioning a lot of things, doubting a lot of things and people and myself. I don't like this feeling. At all. It's this, cloud.
So I sat down with my guitar and started playing the basics, G D Em C...
and words came. And it was great and brought me to tears a few times. It's a simple song. But it's really just what I needed today:



I'm the painting on the fridge
The drawing
Colors out of lines--an endless story
Of a mess

And You Lord, You're
the Mother, the Father
Who adore it.

Lord You,
Turn imperfection around
Into perfect pictures of perfection

To You,
It's a masterpiece in the making
I'm a masterpiece of God's creating

You say, "Hey can't you just see
I delight in you
I'm so proud of you,
My son, my daughter"

Lord You,
Turn imperfection around
Into perfect pictures of perfection

And You take the songs of my heart
and even when they're out of key
You love me
You love me
And that, that's true beauty.

Wow

Okay, so God is so good. I'm laughing thinking about it, actually.

The last few days I have spent with Allie we have talked a bit about her mentor Gail and how much I like Gail's best friend, Laurie. So tonight Allie asked Gail to talk to Laurie about maybe the two of us getting together and talking once in a while. I was getting ready for church tonight, thinking about it and her and wondering if I'd done the right thing but ultimately, I just gave it to the Lord. If it wasn't meant to be, it wouldn't happen.

So I went to church with my family and it was still in the back of my mind. But, I'm not going to lie, I just feel kind of held back when I worship around my family, like they're scrutinizing me when I just let go and worship because all my life I've been so reserved and quiet. Anyway, today's message, given by Dave Hoffman, was about getting over it. Humbling yourself, admitting that you need the Lord, and going for it, seeking Him all the way. There was one worship song before Dave invited people to come down to get prayer, and lo-and-behold, it was Fall On Me, a song by Rita Springer that acutally reminds me of Laurie on account of Rita Springer reminds me of her and the song itself reminds me of small group. Well, after that I went forward and got prayer and I forgot who prayed for me. But she did well :) Then I went and knelt down at the altar and just gave everything up to God, as I have to do daily since I so just want to control everything! When I was walking back, nearly in tears, who do I see sitting in the row behind me but Laurie Ibanez. She waved at me and I waved back and then fought tears as I worshiped the Lord and was taken aback at how Good he Is! After the service I went up to her and flat out asked if there was anyway she would be interested in meeting once in a while here and there, as she put it, "when you need an old person...I get it!" haha How great! So I got her phone number and she told me to call any time at all that I wanted to talk or get together or pray, even over the phone. That's pretty awesome and God is Great :)

I leave for Big Bear tomorrow and this is an awesome way to leave, at peace with everything, knowing I have everyone I need to back me up, including Jesus.

Oh, but Allie, Layne and I still need a small group adult leader for next year. So if anyone feels led to pray for that, we would all greatly appreciate it!

The Ocean, The Lord.

Today I went to the beach with over twenty teens from Foothills. Somehow, between Jesse and I, we all managed to invite people and they actually came. We played all day, then had a bonfire and some really good worship, led by Jean (he's my new favorite, even though I don't really have favorites per say haha!). Only about oh, ten or so, people stayed for worship. But it was amazing. Truly. Some guys ended up coming up to us and asking what we were doing with the music and arms and hands raised. He probably thought we were a cult or something...but one of the guys took care of him I think. Anyway, earlier in the day I was sitting on the beach wondering why people come. It's rather comical to look up and down the shore and see all the bodies, doing the same types of things. But why? I came home and wrote a letter to God because I think I found my answer.

Lord,
Thank you for your ocean, your beaches, and shores. It’s funny, though, how people are drawn to them. Why? Why do people come in hordes to the beach. It’s almost like they’re expecting something. They come, they claim a spot, they relax, they play, they expect. But what do they expect? They desire the heat of the sun, warming their cold bones. They desire nice tanned skin to make them feel better, healthier, more active. They are drawn to the ocean’s peacefulness, and at the same time, its power. The ocean is beautiful, romantic, captivating. It’s something you can sit and look at all day and still find yourself in awe of its power, its unexpectedness, its changing tides. And people are drawn to this. Funny, it’s almost…spiritual.
You created the ocean, the beaches, and shores. And I thank you for shining your light, love, and grace, through it. If people were just drawn to you they would feel your light warming their cold bones, they would feel your breath of life making them healthy and desiring to actively seek you. They would feel a deep peace as they hand over their work, life, school, and desires, to you and give you control, because you are more powerful than them, than us. If we were drawn to you like we are to the ocean, we would find that you are fully captivating, fully romantic and beautiful beyond measure. Someone we can sit with all day, or our whole lives and just be with, talk to, experience, and be blessed by the changing circumstances that come our way.
People are drawn to you and don’t even realize it. The things they love, crave, and desire, are all in you. And it’s something they can carry with them always, if they would just come to your shores of grace and receive.

The Life Book

Alright, so as I was journaling my conversation with Lori in my personal journal last night I remembered some things that I think might be prevalent to everyone. It's one of those things that I've heard forever but never really grasped and appreciated until now. So, so many things have been like that lately. I feel like, as a result of growing up in a Christian home, I have become numb and desensitized to certain things so stressed in the church because of its importance, yet they just became "normal" and I never really took the time to understand the truths spoken to me.

What I realized last night will change my perspective when I read the Bible. All Lori had to say was, "You know the Bible is your life, right?" She went further and explained that everything in there I should experience in my life in order to be complete. It's my life. All the trials, blessings, worship, everything in there is my life played out for me with different scenarios and characters. I'm supposed to dance, I'm supposed to sing because they did. I'm going to go through rocky times, desert times, dry seasons. I'm going to mess up, lie, cheat, steal, fall to my lowest low, because just like God did for them, God will bring me up again. God is the same today as he was then and I forget this so often. I am so blessed to have my life right before my eyes. The blessings, the joy, happiness, and delight along with yes, the pain, suffering, persecution, trials and ultimately growth.

So often I read a book and slow down when I get to the end. Not at all because I'm getting tired of reading it, but rather because I want it to never end. I want it to last. Praise the Lord (!) that His book never ends. That my Book never ends! I don't have to rush through it, because I will surely miss things. But I don't have to slowly drag it out either, because it will always remain and always beckon me to dig deeper. I love it! My Life Book. Completely and Perfect.

Big Sisters

Oh my goodness, God is amazing. I feel overwhelmed tonight with his love for me and my love for him. It's the greatest feeling. Just that feeling of being filled up. Oh Lord I love itttt!
Today was an interesting day, I ended up feeling really really sick earlier in the day. I had a border-line migraine from about 12:00-5:00 and really was not feeling up for anything. I took a nap for a long time, woke up to eat yogurt mill, then went right back to sleep. As a result of eating then sleeping I got this stomach ache that was a drag on top of the nausea from the head ache. And this was a day I have been looking forward to for two weeks. Our last small group at the Aubrey home with Heather Hoffman and Kayla as our leaders. Plus, our favorite big sisters (in Christ), Gale and Lori (who are in their 40's--thus having so much more wisdom than us youngin's) came to eat with us, pray for us, and just hang out. It was so awesome and I would have been devastated had I not made it. But by the Lord's mercy my headache went away (!) although I was still just feeling a bit shaky, nauseous. But compared to what I felt like earlier it was great!
It was sad too, though. I know I hadn't been in the small group as long as all the rest of the girls, but this was an enormously big year for me and I would never ever have grown as much as I have if I had not met these girls and given the opportunity to join the family they'd made for themselves. They were all truly the biggest blessing in my life. To not see them every Friday will be difficult and as Heather was fighting back tears as she announced that she felt God calling her to a different ministry, I think we all shared the fight with her. I know I had a "cry box" in my throat. Shoot.
But the biggest blessing tonight was receiving wisdom, advice, and love from Lori. What an amazing woman of the Lord! During prayer time I went and asked her to pray for me, in particular for guidance when it comes to leadership opportunities (jr. high leader and high school small group leader as well as kids club--a third grade group all to myself...!). I'm struggling with knowing which ones to take and which ones to turn down. I am doing the Jr. High girls group, which I'm excited about. I met my girls tonight and they seem reallly fun! But anyway, Lori just had the words I needed to hear. And as she grabbed my hands I felt power and peace and love. It's still with me and it's so great. We talked about some other things that I likely won't disclose here, and honestly the things we talked about are what really helped me a lot. I just feel better. I feel lighter and more equipped. Ultimately, I just need to go pray. I'm craving time with the Lord right now, but I wanted to get a little of this down before this amazing night leaves me. All in all, I really love big sister nights and the words of wisdom and comfort God gives these women of faith to give to us. So amazing. So beautiful. So, so beautiful.

This is my theme passage of the week, maybe month, maybe year: James 1:2-8 "2Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. 4Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. 5If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. 6But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. 7That man should not think he will receive anything from the Lord; 8he is a double-minded man, unstable in all he does."

Draw Near and Hear Overview

Hey all,
A quick update of my Draw Near and Hear experience:

I had people prophesy over me that I am entering into/already have my foot in the door to a place of rest with the Lord. The man praying over me said he invisioned a featherbed. I know I am already experiencing this. The night before I had been frustrated with the Lord for not physically being present and not revealing things to me regarding my spiritual gifts, etc. He brought up 1 Chronicles 22...which was perfect beyond measure and beyond coincidence. The same couple praying over me brought up teaching and that they were receiving from God that I should teach young people. Wow. In just the last month I've let go of that idea and entered into editing/publishing but now the Lord is telling me he liked my first plan better? I kept doubting it, so I changed my career pathway. But maybe teaching is what I'm supposed to do. They said my spiritual gift is discernment, which I know I have had, yet I've been missing the reality that it is of the spiritual realm. So that was uplifting. The next couple who prayed over me kept saying there will be power coming from my mouth, and that a new sense of creativity will spring forth from me; that I need to protect myself, because I'm powerful. And to know that my heart is, indeed, aligned with the Lord's even if I don't think so a lot of the time (which is true). And he delights in that. That he's proud of me. They held truth as well. I have a real hard time with thinking the Lord is ever proud of me. That I delight him. I have a better time just serving him and doing what he says but not thinking that I am actually making him smile, making him happy. I guess that's not much of a relationship the way I had been thinking about it. So, that was, as well, really good.
Tonight Bill Wilson spoke and that man is amaaaazing. I decided to really step out, commit three years of my life to the jr. high girl's small group ministry tonight. It'll be time consuming, it'll make me feel more stressed and strung thin...but it doesn't matter how I feel. Bill said, "The ability to Finish is only acheived when your commitment is stronger than your emotions". The Lord didn't feel like dying for us...it hurt him. But he was commited. This commitment I am going to make is so much smaller, and it will bless me and I will bless those girls, God willing :) . This will be a good time. And I will be at rest, too.
Jesse reminded me tonight that I'm only seventeen, I have a lot of life left to live and I can't let myself be discouraged because I don't have all kinds of spiritual experience yet. I just officially started going to Foothills six months ago for Heaven's sake...I'm doing fine. But I'm not satisfied. I want more. Still. And it's an exciting ride.

Making Plans

Life has been a little unsettled lately--nothing major or bad...just, changing, again. In the next few days I have to make a decision about some commitments, in terms of school and ministry opportunities, that will shape the next year of my life-dun, dun, dun. No, I'm actually excited and prayyyying that tonight God will reveal his plan for the next year as well as some other things I've had on my heart for a bit now. At Foothills they are holding a three day conference, starting off tonight, called "Draw Near and Hear". Basically it's an intense time of worship and opportunity for us, as there will be many people with prophetic spiritual gifts, there to pray over us and talk with us. I've never been and I don't know the details yet, but I hear it's intense and the Holy Spirit will without doubt be very real and present. I'm anxious and excited and hopeful all at the same time!
This has truly been a month of spiritual growth and I am so loving it and feeling so much closer to the Lord it's amazing. In the next few days I really pray I take more leaps of faith and step out and praise the Lord.
Alright, more updating later! Happy Friday? :P

College Trip to San Francisco

Alright, so I got back from the College Trip last night and wow, I was not expecting it to be some amazing religious experience/revelation. But I feel like I completely grew in faith and character as a result of going.

I don't know if I have time or want to disclose here everything that happened in my head and heart but I'll still write and post losts of pictures. Overall it was a really fun and exciting time! I haven't really been to a big city or anywhere, really, like Santa Cruz/San Francisco and the surrounding areas.


But first, let's start with Saturday.

Saturday:

I got done packing and went to went to Barnes & Noble to get a good book, because I love to read on vacations. After searching and searching I finally found a book my mentor, Jenny, had suggested, Searching for God Knows What by Donald Miller. Then I went to church with my mom for the Saturday evening service instead of the Junior/Senior prom at the Bahia. Pastor Mark gave an amazing sermon about accepting the places God puts you in. Accepting the negative circumstances that result in disobedience, yet still allowing God to bless you in these times. The message just filled me up and gave me peace about my trip...like a good meal before leaving for a journey. I knew this trip would be interesting, I didn't know if I would be any good at protecting my time and devotions with the Lord for three days. I really needed some encouragment and I got it!

Sunday:
I woke up around 5:30, got ready, and headed to the airport with my dad. I've only been on a plane two other times, so I'm not airport or take-off savvy and I was a bit nervous about the flight, I'll have to say. But the take off and then landing was perfect so I really had nothing to worry about. The view was stellar and I liked it a lot.

When we arrived in San Jose we drove to Monterey to visit the Monterey Bay Aquarium which was pretty fun! It was really nice of Stephanie to plan little fun excursions here and there besides colleges. After about two hours, give or take a bit, we got to our hotel and I have to say I was a bit nervous at the area and real appearance of the hotel...it was really small. But everything worked out fine and I honestly enjoyed it a lot! About a minute from the hotel was the beach:

and then the board walk, with two or three roller coasters, bumper cars, miniature golf, and various places to eat and shop. We ate dinner at this little hole in the wall Mexican place...and I, for one, forgot we were in more of Northern California and quite a ways from the border. In other words, I didn't think anything was amazing and our rolled tacos frankly bit the big one. But Flick got a lot of burrito for his money:

Then we went shopping, I bought a Santa Cruz sweatshirt and Flick bought a Wilson volleyball with the Wilson handprint from Castaway on it. We went to the courts and messed around. I have to say I have not laughed so hard for a while. It was quite a work out and I was so tired.

But after telling everyone else how much fun it was, they all wanted to go for a late night session. We ended up staying down at the beach from around 6:00 till exactly 10:00 (our curfew) playing volleyball. The next morning y forearms were bruised. I haven't played vball since freshman year...ouch!

So after we got back to the hotel Stephanie came in andmade sure we were back from la playa and then told us lights out at 11:00, but until then we could do whatever we wanted on the premises, as long as we were behaved and quite--as there were actually other guests probably trying to sleep, though I'm not sure many kids got that :P

A group of the guys and girls all went upstairs to one of the girl's rooms to have a "dance party"...and I don't know what the heck they were doing but it sounded like elephants up there!! I opted out and decided to stay in the room Kayla and I shared to protect my time with the Lord. I have to say that was one of the best times I've had in my devotions and it was so much better than seeing some of the guys from class put on girls' pants and girls' bathing suit tops, though I'm sure that was hilarious :P haha.

After 11:00 when the girls came back in we had some interesting conversations to say the least and I got to know Amanda and Kayla even more than I already know them which was awesome too!

Monday:

I woke up around 7:00 to Stephanie's wake-up call and we all piled on the bus and went to Berkley and San Francisco State University.

I realized at Berkley that I really don't like the city at all. It drives me nuts and it's dirty and I just don't care for it whatsoever. But as I was walking through it, sickened by the people and the filth, I was kind of caught by this question: "Would you go here if I asked you to. They need help, too." Ouch. I got scared. The idea of me, a Christian conservative little girl, going up to this guy or that woman, with a completely liberal mindset was so frightening. But could I do it? Would I do it? I guess I would. But Lord, I'd rather not. And it wasn't like I felt him telling me to go to Berkley. It was just that I was walking through Telegraph Street completely disgusted and wanting to leave and reality hit causing me to see that those were still God's children and those people still needed him, they were still lost and he still cared and what right did I have completely bashing the place.

We got lost miserably on our way to San Francisco State University. The tension on the bus was high and I read a lot.

We also visited Santa Cruz University the next day, as well as San Jose State. Or something like that...it's been a week or so since we've been back and the facts are getting jumbled.

Anyway, to wrap this thing up, all in all I had some of the best times with the Lord. Just hanging out with him and realizing that he used to hang out by himself and pray also, when his friends were doing other things. On Tuesday morning I was up around 4 or 5 o'clock, took a shower, got ready, then just sat outside and it was...profound. Just sitting in the quiet. I hadn't gotten quiet for days. And I haven't gotten that quiet since...maybe December when we had "quiet times" at camp. It was just good to sit there, listening to the birds and taking in the ambience the morning offers; the stillness and God's grace and majesty. That's probably mushy. But c'mon...it's a great time of day and all too often I miss it.

On our way home I was freaking out a little bit. The plane was going in a circle and not going...well, up. That's what I thought it was supposed to do. I wasn't visibly freaking out...no, that's not me. But I was freaking out on the inside :) So I'm sitting in my seat, no one's sitting by me because everyone ditched me :) and I start thinking, Lord I don't want to go home yet, I really don't. There's too much to do, just...and then I swear to you he interjected: Are my Hands not big enough to carry you? Woa. Alright, touche. You win...whatever you want God. If I die I die, if I live, thank you :) You are enough. Then, the sunset that followed was AMAZING!! What a perfect way to end two great days of closeness with the Lord away from home. And it wasn't like I was at camp. It was just up the street...kind of :P. Anyway, that's my tale of our trip to San Francisco and what it meant to me. It was a pretty good experience, all in all.

Sorry if I repeated stuff, I wrote this in two non-consecutive sittings haha.

The Blind Man

You know those days when you just know it's going to be one of those days? Well, I had one of those days today. I woke up late, around 7:30 and rushed to get ready for my first class, which is swim, at Grossmont College. I'm driving there thinking, well, I'm late, yes, but I really am in the mood to swim. The weather was beautiful this morning and I haven't worked out in about two weeks. I was missing it! And getting pumped to go swim and exercise. So, I get to the pool and Larry tells me, there's good news and bad news: The good news, you get double work-out points today. The bad news: If you swim, you'll turn green. I guess yesterday they put too much chlorine in the pool and that meant no swimming. Fantastic. So I got in my car and drove home. I took my time getting ready, hoping I'd have time to do some devotions, but the time went so fast and I was, again, rushing out the door. Then, on my way out, my water bottle dropped and rolled down the driveway...and again...misfortune. I pull up to Santana for my chem class and realize the kids aren't outside at break like they out to be on a Tuesday class. Oh wait, that's because it's Thursday...block day...earlier start time. I'm 20 minutes late for chem. And, to top it off, we had a lab that I got to do all by myself because my partner, Matt, wasn't there. Perfect!
Then I go to Middle College and realize Kayla's not there and there is major drama going on, again, regarding the college trip. Now I tried my hardest today to keep my mouth shut and I don't think anyone realizes how entirely hard it was to not bite everyone's head off and tell them what I thought of everything. The drama that's going on is stupid. The students are asking for respect and fairness when Stephanie and Sue, the adult supervisors, laid down the law in the first place and the kids broke it. The kids disrespected their authority yet are demanding that they be treated with more respect, fairness, and tolerance? Something is wrong with that picture!! And yet, a lot of these kids are blind to this fact.
I was basically fuming when I left Middle College. Nearly wanting to cry because Stephanie and Sue jumped through hoops to accomodate us and do things in our best interest on the trip. Yet they got no appreciation, little thanks. Instead they got to feel crappy about the whole thing. They know people are talking about them negatively behind their backs and Stephanie knows she came across as the bad guy. Yet someone had to be the leader. And you know why? Because that's how life is. But man, don't we always crucify the leader. Literally and figuratively. Jesus tried to lead the blind and they crucified him. Stephanie tried to lay down the law and now she's getting injustly beat up for trying "to be a good mom", as she put it.
I sat down in my car before my next class and just vented to the Lord. It helped a little. I started reading my Bible and lo-and-behold this is what verse I happened upon: "...'Can a blind man lead a blind man? Will they not both fall into a pit? A student is not above his teacher, but everyone who is fully trained will be like his teacher'," Luke 6:29-40. Before I read that I had this question pop up in my mind: Does a man who has vision and can see describe the trees, the ocean, the beauty of nature, to a blind man, whose perception of the world is so much different and so far from the true reality due to darkness? Just now I read my daily bible verse that Google so kindly supplies on my homepage for me and read what it said: ""If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over,” Matthew 18:15. I know the kids weren't sinning against me. But I'm offended, frankly, and I really wish I could win them over and help them to see that no matter what the case is, Stephanie and Sue were our authority on the trip and we all really needed to just respect and submit to them. Even if it cost us a little bit of fun here and there. Right now, I'm not having to much fun mulling this over. Right now I'm feeling guilty on behalf of everyone for the ways they're hurting other people who honestly just wanted us to experience colleges and give us a nice gift. I guess I just need to let the whole thing go...But it really really hurts my heart and I really have a burden about the whole situation. But honestly, I learned a whole lot. I learned that I can not be "cool" to people if I'm going to really be a Christian. That means I will be alone in life. I will sit alone in my hotel room and do my devotions. I will keep my mouth shut and disappear when people are bagging on other people. Or, I will write something like this post, which goes against the grain of other people's lives and maybe start some fires here and there. But honestly, I'm just passionate. And my heart hurts. For Stephanie and Sue, and for the kids. I love everyone and just really want their eyes to be opened, in the end. For them to come out of this learning something about being kind to people. A smile, a thank you, a hug. They all go a really long way. But so do biting words and harsh looks.