Hmmm.

I don't like talking.
I'm not good at it. Or opening up.
So I make sarcastic comments. And just sit there and laugh.
Or say "I don't know" because knowing means making a decision,
paying an opportunity cost.
And I'd rather someone else make that decision for me.
Because I am lazy,
and don't take on my own responsibilities.
Hmmm.
Thoughts. Ping-ponging around my coffee-ladden brain.
I don't sleep,
and I don't eat.
And neither is by choice these days.

I had a "vision" if you could call it that,
last night inbetween sleep and dreams
of sand filling up my mouth and eyes and I was
suffocating in it. Weird.
And then, tonight during worship,
I had an "unrelated" vision of a bag of sand breaking
and the sand pouring out,
no longer under pressure,
free, spilling out.
I guess it all means something to me.
And it was sand. Yellowish white.
Not dirt.
Because I'm not that dirty, right? Yeeeah, sure.
But sand is still coarse and frustrating and hard to walk in.
And I am coarse and frustrating and my walk has been hard.
God gets me, man. Even when I don't get me.
Haaaah. Life.

Lately

I can't even write here
because I don't know what to say.
I can't say.

Maybe someday. Soon? Maybe. Later? Maybe.
This is strange. So strange.

He makes me melt like a popsicle on the Fourth of July...
Darla, Little Rascals.

For the Lord is a Good God. A Weird One. But Good.

Every time the Lord gets me. I'm about to walk into something I shouldn't and he puts his hand on top of my head and gently redirects me. He's neat like that.

And I am thankful.

That He has done it again, said, Hey you, don't you know I have greater things for you than you could imagine right now? Why do you settle for just what is in front of you? Think BIG, think ME.

And what a simple thing. As simple as a simple conversation on the 4th of July. This whole roundabout can be.

Hmmmm He has plans. Plans I don't have to force into place. Sometimes they just fall. And while I don't think they're falling (or I'm falling) directly right now, who's to say, really? As is a running theme, always, Time will Tell.

In other words: We spent Independence Day with a couple of Brits. Isn't that ironic? But their accents were to die for. Hahhh

The Fergusons

My dad is doing a side job at the Ferguson's house. I've known them since I was probably just a few weeks old because they are friends of my grandparents' and attend El Cajon Wesleyan. Cathy has always been so sweet, as has John. But I have never really sat down and talked to either of them before.
My mom stopped by and I decided to tag along. And I'm really glad I did.
Cathy invited us in for iced tea. Best iced tea. I'm generally not a huge fan, really. And when she poured a tall class for me I was regretting saying I wanted some. But by the end of that glass I wanted more.
The four of us sat down at the round wooden kitchen table. We talked about my schooling, future plans, church, future quest, the youth at ECWC, my brother, the Bridge pool party, and Dorothy Robertson. I don't know how long we sat there and chatted but it seemed to fly by and I was kind of sad when we made our way out.
In the truck on the way home my mom said, She's such a sweet lady. Then, I want to be like her when I grow up.
And it's true. She's one of the sweetest ladies. I sat there listening and watching her. Because that's what I do. And what a humble, meek spirit. She makes you feel important, worthy of her time...even though the thought of time imposition never crosses your mind while in her presence. She has such a quiet, confident spirit that is so refreshing. She sat there just asking my mom and I questions. Simple, easy questions but the way she asked and the way she sat and looked at us and talked with us showed she really cared. I can't even explain it. But what a wonderful lady!
And this experience gives me hope. In the beginning of the day I was feeling slightly condemned. Just...a little more hopeless. A little more un-enough hah. But there I felt just fine. And I felt more like being a better person just by being there.
Does that make any sense? I don't know. But it was a great end of a turbulent day.

Part I

I wrote I'd say more.

Yesterday turned out quite differently than I'd planned.

Jesse and I went on a walk in the morning. He forgot his running shoes. But he brought me a nonfat 1 pump vanilla latte. The leprechaun house up the street got painted. Now it is a normal brown with maroon-ish trim and just the right amount of slate on the front. They even put up a nice little white fence. Cute.

We went home and had a conversation on the patio about public university versus Christian. He seemed to think we should all try to go to Christian college and trust the Lord for the means. I don't think I agree. Christians can be a light in a university left in the dark as well.

We talked about convictions and callings. And how I think I don't know what I think about some things. How I don't know where to draw the line when it comes to some things. If some "non-Christian" movies don't affect my beliefs, behavior, or the way people think of me (if I'm with people who are also on the same page as me) then is it that bad to watch? I understand that movies affect people more than me. That they may really be affected. But I'm not. And I know who, in my life, is, and that's how I draw the line. But biblically, when he backed it up, my retaliation was weak. But, biblically, then should every word that comes out of my mouth be praises to the Lord? I am not perfect and I walked away from these conversations packed into one sitting feeling acutely aware of this, my failings.

I'd planned to take the Kemps' daughter, Alyssa, out to Color Me Mine, but I was tired and drained and wondering. And hadn't gotten ahold of Alyssa the day before anyway. So I stayed home and then took Barbi's sergers to the sewing shop to see how much it would cost to fix them and if it was even worth it. The news didn't sound so good, but I'll find out in a few weeks.

And this is the end of Part I of my strange day.

Tea

I sat down for tea today.
It was iced.
But lovely conversation followed.
I want to be like that when I grow up.
My mom said the same thing.

More later.

Little Girls

I wonder when (if?) that day will come when I finally feel "all growed up". Hah. When I finally feel like I'm not that 12 year old, awkward little girl wondering what to do with her hands and arms. Put them in pockets? Fold them? Straight by the sides? Who knows? (Wait, does it matter?)

So when will that day come. And what will it mean? What would it mean to be grown up.

When I think about it, to me, being grown up, I suppose, would mean being self sufficient, being well off, being capable. But then I think deeper. And I know that no matter how old I am I will never be these things. And if I try to, it's like forever playing dress up--acting like someone I'm not. Putting on a face. Putting on this fake life and the ones who "have it all figured out" (the secret, that is) just look at me, sadly, and laugh. Laugh as I twirl in my perfect adult dress. Laugh as I live in my perfect, well-to-do house. Laugh as I drive my perfect shiny car.
Because they'd know the secret. They'd know that I was naive in spirit. They'd know that I was playing dress-up. They'd know that no one, even them, are ever fully capable or self-sufficient. That the secret of being grown up, really, is just admitting that I don't know anything, that I have no absolute plans, that my Jesus knows everything. That the Lord has better plans for me than I could ever imagine.

Humble.

Open.

Vulnerable.

Finding wisdom in the Lord.

I will never be grown up in the way that, as I was a child, I thought grown ups should look. No one is grown up.

And as I'm going along in this process, I'm finding I'm redefining a lot of things I've come to know.

On New Writing and Night-Dreaming.

I started writing again.
I haven't written in a while.
Haven't, I don't know, felt led to.
Or wanted to.
Wanted to write about what I was feeling
or thinking
or believing
because I didn't know what I thought.

I guess I really still don't.
Except that I can't sleep anymore,
because my mind runs rampant,
unless I am in that state of utter exhaustion
where you just want to say
"I love you bed, isn't this the best bed?
Oh, bed," And it envelops you,
recieves you,
floating and suspended
and takes you immediately away
to a safe nest of
soft dreams you won't
remember in the morning.
And those are the best.
It's the ones you have--
still considered day dreams--
before you actual conk out,
that are trecherous and keep
you up all night.
The wheels turning
on that slippery slope of a road,
from worse to bad to good
to horrendous to just jolly
turn-outs of those circumstances
awaiting some kind of conclusion.
You know.
Don't you? Maybe?
Or perhaps it's just me,
the past two nights.
Creating my future realities
behind my eyelids.

Big Bear

We are back from Big Bear and now I have a lot of pictures. 1500 and a few more, to be slightly exact. It was fun and peaceful. I read a lot. This book called Quaker Summer (which is a whole lot better and funnier than it sounds).

A fresh, honest voice in Christian Fiction to be sure.
Honest. There's that word again. That concept that I struggle with. Even being candid and honest with my own self. (But I digress).

On our last day, we went kayaking in Boulder Bay around 5:00 in the evening. We lathered up bug spray sunscreen, loaded up the yaks, and went on a last minute adventure. Before long we were all putting our feet in the water. Brian started it. He went knee deep, and then dove under. And then I surprised myself and did the same. I'm not a big lake swimmer, but I'll have to say, it is wonderful. I wanted to swim to the boulders and back. But I didn't. Because that mossy sea-weedy (lake-weed?) stuff freaks me out. I didn't even touch the bottom the whole time I was in there because I hate touching the bottom. Soon Shelby got in. It was great fun.

We hiked too, and went jeeping/trucking (hah...so not as much fun or adventurous when you're in a gigantic truck). We went back to the little roads that lead to landmarkish type things. An old cabin:

Hang man's tree:

It was fun.

Back at camp we played cards:

and watched the birds eat a watermelon we'd accidental left out. The squirrels probably broke the skin and then the birdies started in.

Speaking of Birds...Connor found one. He named it Petey. Mom, Dad, Brian, and I were playing cards and Connor comes trapsing into the camp from the general direction of the "woods" and he's got this thing in his hand he's carrying sort of delicately-like. My mind registers and I realize it's a baby bird. So I say this and my mom, naturally, freaks out. Telling him to put it down, wash his hand, the momma bird will never take care of it now, what did you do. I say hold on, wait, wait, wait! The damage has already been done...let me go get my camera. So I do. And look how cute Petey is. May he Rest in Bird-like Peace. Poor fella.

We did so much at the Lake this year. Usually we don't. But we fished one night. I didn't bother getting a fishing license because fishing in Big Bear isn't that great. I prefer stream fishing better, actually. But, I sat on the rocks by the dam reading my book and taking in the magnificent view. It is times like these when I am thankful for God's handiwork. When that feel washes over me and I know. I know. I know that there is Someone else who did this. Someone else who treasures beauty.

We also went to breakfast at Grizzly Manor, but I don't have any of those pictures yet, because my camera battery died. And then, on Thursday we went shopping in town. I got a really rad shirt at one of the places, and a ring and journal. I'll post that later. And we went and tried on hats in a hat shop. My dad finally found one he liked, after 3 years of looking. That sounds ridiculous. I also found one I liked...but it was crazy and too big and looked like a bird nest.

Here's mom's part in trying on hats:

The weather was really great the entire time, too. Which was a plus. Never was it too hot or too cold.

All this time we were so busy. Usually on these trips I have time to recollect myself, spend time in the Word, and just revel in God's goodness, peace, and grace. But even on vacation I couldn't get away from being too busy. I still feel tied down to things. Vague. That word. And I still feel on the edge of two worlds. Do you ever feel comfortable, completely, on one side or the other?

Dream

I had a dream about high school last night.
All of us middle college kids were sitting around in a circle.
I was dozing off, but kids were talking and writing things on the board.
The lights were turned off.
Legg was lying on his belly near me.
Sam Spevack started to lecture us in Japanese and then he started mumbling
and I was losing it.
He noticed and pointed it out.
Then Flick starts talking about Courtney A.
Except I felt like he was talking about me.
And he starts crying and saying all this stuff about God, too.
And I just kept eating my lemon cake.
The lights were still turned off.
Cathy sits in front of me.
It's more like a sit/stand because I can't tell the difference
in this dream.
She starts backing up what Flick had just said,
as he wipes his eyes.
And she says stuff about God and how Courtney's little brother
has been impacted, too.
And I just ate my lemon cake,
thinking that all this applies to me,
but I don't want to be vain.
He wrote Courtney A. on the board.
Or...wait? Was it a J?
So I keep glancing behind him to see if it's an A.
or a J. and I'm looking past him and not at him.
And Cathy leans down and starts picking up the crumbs
that are dropping from my lemon cake
and she's picking them up off the floor and
putting them on my stockings.
I totally had stockings on.
They were black with a red and greenish 80's pattern on them.
She smeared them into my stockings and I sat there
and nervously laughed
and told her twice that I would clean my own mess up
she didn't have to worry,
I'd take care of it.
And it was so embarrassing because I was gorging my face out
with this cake
and I didn't see the crumbs, but she did.
I was making a mess, and I didn't see it.

Rachele was sitting in the corner knitting and shaking
her head to all this.
She was losing it now.
And then the dream ended and I have no idea what,
if anything, it meant.
But I woke up missing Legg and Cathy
and Middle College.

It hit me, I think, 2 weeks late.

Dreams are something so we never have to say goodbye.

The Pursuit of Being Pursued.

It's called being pursued. To pursue her. Not pursue him. Pursue is already losing it's meaning because I've used it 5+ times.
I just want to be pursued, maybe.
Is that selfish?
That I don't feel obligated to strike a conversation or walk across a room?
I'd rather be lonely.

We are two lonely people with lonely conversations.
Honestly.

The truth never makes it out of these lips.
Only fake smiles and cheery voice inflections.

There's more than this.

Company. Just Keep Going.

The past week has been insane. I have done more than I ever remember doing and yet not a lot at all and this makes me happy. Even okay.

Saturday was the beach with Allie and James for a few hours. Jeff's Burgers, Rubios, and James' house accompanied this.
Sunday was I can't really remember but I'm sure it was exciting. Maybe Alyssa's graduation party?
Monday mom and I dropped off a bunch of letters to all the teachers at Pepper Drive school explaining our gift for Mrs. MacIntosh's retirement. Einstein Bagels was next. Then it was the gym for the first time in a month and a halfish. Small class. But still alright. Then a 4 mile walk/jog in Mission Trails Park. Good stuff.
Tuesday I met with Shelbi, Allie, and James at Starbucks for an hour or so. Then Shelbi and I left to go thrifting for cheap sweatshirts that we could cut up to make stuffed animals the next day. We went to two or three thrift stores before trying Target. I found a fuzzy brown jacket at the Salvation Army which was perfect for my monkey. Shelbi got a $4 sweatshirt at Target that was green, yellow, and teal.
After thrifting we went to Yogurt Mill and I was 25 cents short and they don't take plastic but she said that's okay. While there we decided Shelbi should just try spending the night and we should go rent Donnie Darko and Lars and the Real Girl. So we did and both movies were funny.
Wednesday was spent sewing in the morning after filling out Shelb's grad invites.
Then James came over and I gave him a hair cut. He has curly hair and it was long and he wanted it short. Well, Allie wanted it short. So it was a bit tricky. Especially since I don't cut hair. But it actually looked decent and I liked doing it. I'm cutting Shelbi's bangs soon. But not until after she graduates tomorrow. Anyway, after cutting James' hair we ate lunch, then they all dispersed. They came back later, around 8:45 to play cards, Phase 10. And then left around 10:30-11:00. Allie was going to stay the night and we were going to go to James' to pick up Steele Magnolia, but Alyssa had a seizure again and she's a good sister so she went home to console and I cleaned my room and thought about people and things.
Today Connor and I rented Cloverfield and Enchanted, I went to the school to drop retirement gifts off, then Shelbi came over to finish sewing Lars, her lizard, and we watched some of The Nightmare Before Christmas because it's on my list of movies I haven't seen but should. We also made cup cakes. She made the cake, I frosted. After almost finishing my monkey we decided we should go to small group, the last one, but I got Starbucks first. So now I'm wired.
At small group we talked about boys and then played Phase 10, ate Caesar salad, Costco everything-on-it pizza, and cup cakes, of course.
After almost everyone left, Shelbi, Alexia, Allie and I decided to go re-rent the movie Wristcutters: A Love Story, because Allie said she'd seen part of it and it was quirky good. That's my kind of movie, so I drove. The movie really was good. So strange. But good.
Now I am finally home and there's no one here but it wasn't bad being with people all week. I don't know how people do it all the time and I don't think I could, but I'm not worn out of it quite yet. Allie and I kind of hang out in heavy spurts. We get all our hanging out over with in the span of 5 days and then we don't hang out for a few months. But I think this summer will be different.
I learned what happens last time.
Tomorrow is Foothills High School graduation at 6:30 (?) and I'll be going to that for Shelbi and Jesse. But around 2:30 I might go to Kayla's to have some girl talk time because we haven't done that in over a week and I think (hope) we're trying to make a habit of it. It'd be a good one to have, I think.
After the graduation the plan is to have another movie night with whoever.
It's been a crazy, fun, exciting, really spontaneous (in my terms), week.

Good times.


And tonight my girls helped me have a revelation:

I've never thought of being honest.
Saying when I don't feel well. When I'm having a bad day. When I just want to talk about something that actually matters.
I always keep the walls up because, well maybe I thought that's what you're supposed to do. And I guess maybe I make it worse this time versus with other people because this one actually matters. So I try too hard. We both do. And it doesn't work. Because who are we? And then how am I supposed to know?

This has the potential to change things.
But probably not over night.

Again.

I feel like I am always teetering on the edge of insanity.
On the edge of two worlds.
One that is not exactly a world, but a lifestyle, a realm; spiritual.
The other that is actually a world.
The world with it's gravitational pull--
pulling, tearing me down toward it.
And I'm standing on the edge,
turning my head this way,
then back that way,
and I'm torn.
I'm split.
And sometimes I don't know if I'm strong enough,
if I can fight the downward spiral
and swim my way up and out to freedom again.

Sometimes I let my mind go.
And then my body follows.

Truth #1

Sometimes I just want to be completely honest.

Just say everything that is on my mind.

Everything I think about everyone--

and worse:

everything I think about myself.

But I don't.

Because once you say something you can't take it back.

Not that you can take thoughts back either.

And I hate thoughts sometimes, too.

I just want to speak.

But not so bad that I do. Or will.

I guess even more I'd rather keep it inside and never let anything out.

That's Truth #1.

College

I might not be going to State because of a stamp.

A freaking stamp.

This stamp, to be exact.

This 1 cent stamp.

Job Searching

I need a job. A real one now, I think. I don't have the motivation, at home, to sew a lot and then sell. It's not happening. Therefore, I applied at Starbucks yesterday. Not sure how that's going to turn out. I wasn't having any great feelings about it when I dropped off my application.


I went to Jamba Juice next and as soon as I walked in I got a good feeling. I hadn't even gone there to get an application. I just wanted a drink. So, we'll see. I'm turning that in today and everyone working seemed enthused about it (: I'll also stop by Old Navy and grab an app. there too. And maybe Bath and Body. Who knows.


Santana's graduation was last night and I went. In the slightly sweltering heat. I now have the slightest hint of a farmer's tan. ( : It was great to see everyone one last time. It's weird that I will definitely never see some of them again. And others I will keep in contact with, though things have changed.


How can a heart be so happy, yet so sad, and yet feel like it's really not letting itself feel at all?


I don't know.


There were some surprises at this graduation. Not so much good ones. I didn't get to see everyone that I thought I would. And part of me knows why but doesn't want to believe it. Part of me keeps reading and re-reading the program over and over again, searching, eyes tearing into the paper, burning names into it in purple ink. Nothing. It's the same everytime. Just like opening the refrigerator, after having just looked 10 minutes ago. Still hungry, still wanting that satisfying feeling, but still there is nothing new in there. Nothing you haven't already seen. Nothing that evokes the kind of feelings you wanted to be evoked.


Eh.
The world spins madly on.
And it'll keep spinning no matter what.
For me, for you.
No matter where life, God, you, take yourself.
But I hope it's somewhere good.
I hope it's somewhere you're supposed to be.
I hope you let yourself live the life that's waiting for you.

List: Post Graduation

I am no longer in or affiliated with anything "high school" anymore. Well, for two more weeks I will still lead a high school small group. But after that...no mas. Until I get my teaching credentials and go back to high school. To teach. Hahhh why am I so bad at moving on?

No. I am quite...detached (?) from all of this, this moving on, new phase of life beginning, thing.

Thoughts:

1) I need to be stronger. I think I'm always sick because I'm not where I'm supposed to be. But being sick causes me to not be where I want to be. It just causes me to want to be in bed.

2) I wish I would have taken a day. Just a day. To think about what all this graduating mumbo jumbo means. To reflect. To let it sink in and actually let myself get over the hype that I wanted to push down and to just realize the accomplishment, realize the change that was/is going to occur.

3) I wish I would have gotten a picture with the staff in my cap and gown to be more sentimental.

4) I wish I would have signed Rachele's year book. I feel bad. Rachele, if you read this: You made me laugh on a daily basis. I admire your boldness, your bluntness, your honesty, and your amazing red, firey hair that totally matches your personality. I remember one day you said in class "I don't lie, I don't!!" And I was thinking, "She is so full of it. Everyone lies." But truly, I don't think you do. You say everything that is on your mind in one way or another and that is something I stinking love. You are transparent. And it's great (: Best swim partner too. Thanks for the good times and have fun cleaning teeth for the rest of your lovely life. Love, Courtney Day Johnson.

5) People are really leaving and moving (Amanda) and that bums me out, but excites me too. Because I know it will be good, and I know they will grow and it will be amazing to see the changes when they visit and reappear and whathaveyou.

6) I have never settled. Okay, I have. But not completely. I have been good about not letting myself completely settle. I have always known what I've wanted. Sort of. But that was before I knew myself. Now I know. And just because I am done with high school and looking at this silly dolled up photograph on my desk doesn't mean I'll settle now. I will grow. People will grow. Time will tell and I refuse to settle. I'd rather live alone. Maybe.

7) Sometimes I think it's just me being stubborn. That I can't look seriously serious people in the eye and reciprocate because that means something. And meaning something is dangerous. Crosses the line. That invisible one. Looking that stinking huge gray, wrinkly, yet slightly loving Elephant in his knowing eye. Grrr.

8) Maybe I run too much. Or maybe I'm just smarter than everyone else. How do you, I, know? :P Of course I want to go with the latter. Who wouldn't? Seriously.

9) My mom has dreams. Not like dreams for my future. But dreams of my future. And, well, her track record is good. How do I know if this is a figment of her thoughts and desires or if it's a major factor and what I'm supposed to take into serious consideration?

10) When will I ever be ready? But deep down I know, I do...I remember...that when it's the right time I will be sooo gone I'll jump. I just need to trust. I just need to wait for it. Keep going, take George Michael's advice and "have a little faith"...okay I think the Bible says that too...just in a more appropriate way? Ugh. We'll see. Life is full of all these crazy uncertainties and I'm finally getting used to it and just going with the flow.

21 Days

twenty-one
Originally uploaded by astrocruzan

I don't know if I could handle seeing anyone 21 days straight.
Except my family.
But someday that anyone will be my family.
But how do you know?

Brilliant Day

The plan was to hit the hay at 11:11 tonight. Because that is precisely what time I looked at the clock, looked at my mom, and said "Good night" and turned to walk to my room to plop right in bed. But, as I was walking, mum decided to start one of her big, hour long (which is actually short) God-talk-people-talks. They are always great fun. So my sleepiness quickly departed and my feistyness set in. Now I am in a feisty mood. A picture editing mood. Contemplating our conversation, and thinking about reading the book of Mormon.

Since I am still tired I will just post some pictures for tonight and tell you a few things, list style:

1) Coffee/lunch with Kayla equalled great fun, minus the mayonaisse. Two "n"s in mayo? I don't know.

2) Compiling my writing portfolio makes me want to scrap book and beautify/funkify everything I can get my hands on this summer. Experimentation here I coooome.

3) Kids, car seats, gas stations, Panda Express, 60cent cookies, feeling like a mommy in my volvo.

4) "Why do you take pictures so much?" "Why do you play with R.C. cars all day?" "Touche kid, touche".

5) Car ride conversations: Nat-"Will you give me money?" "Why?" "So I can buy stuff." "What kind of stuff." "Boy stuff." "Do you wish you were a boy." "Yes."

6) Puppy dogs.

7) Fruity Pebble cereal

8) Bed time prayers and tuck-me-ins.

9) Reality.

10) Motivation.

2 days left of high school and I'm loving it. Hasn't hit. Really.