A little spare time...and change?

So I'm blogging :) Mainly because it's summer, so I can. With out feeling super guilty. A little guilty still, yes. But not super guilty. This year has gone by so incredibly fast and it is so crazy to look back on it and think of how many areas of my life that I have grown in. When I think about it, I do see I've grown. Maybe not blatantly spiritually as I did in the last year of high school, but I think the Lord has been revealing other things to me this year. More responsibility and future oriented than the physical, tingly spiritual...stuff, if that makes ANY sense at all. Let's see if I can explain more.
Basically, I've been learning a lot about responsibility, especially financially, this year. I got my first real-ish job, had my first battle with an insurance company over my totaled car and money compensation, had to make a tough choice while purchasing a new car, took out student loans, got laid off from my job, and was expecting to be flat broke this summer and desperate. It's been an interesting ride and I am blessed beyond belief, when I really take a minute to think about all of this. God knew what he was doing. Go figure :)
So my first job, at the SDSU library was super convenient and I loved it, still do. It allowed me to realize that I am capable of taking at least 15 units and still work 20-25 hours a week (depending on other comittments such as ministries), and still have a bit of a social life and not be pulling my hair out. I was somehow able to save a good deal of money this way even though I was just making $8.00 an hour and working 20 hours a week. I really don't know how in the world I managed to actually save money. I don't know how it started, but I just didn't view paychecks as MY money, I suppose. Which is weird. I guess perhaps it's because I like working and I like being busy that I would have filled up my time with more ministry stuff anyway (which I never got paid for before). I mean, if we figure it like that...then my junior/senior year of high school I was "working" at a higher ground club, jr high group, and high school small group, as well as interning at a jr high school. Interning was 2.5 hrs a week, hg club was 1.5 hrs-ish, jr high group was (still is) 3.5 hrs, high school small group leader was 2.5 hrs plus an extra 3 hours once a month for a leader meeting. That's 11 hours a week I had already been used to working for free for at least a year. So perhaps this prepared me to view the money I earned at my real job as not really mine. Yet, during this year, I have been able to do most everything I've wanted to. It's been nice being able to, but still learning responsibility. Like...I COULD buy that super cute shirt at Macy's...but I'd rather not. Let's go to Ross instead! Or just not buy anooother shirt. I have plenty :P It just feels fantastic to not have to live pay check to pay check and to just be secure, because I'm being smart. But I am fortunate to still be living at home too. That would be an entirely different story.
It just amazes me what people my age spend money on. Maybe it seems rediculous to some people...like I'm not enjoying the college life or not really living...but I'm not saving for anything specific...except to pay student loans off, to pay my car off (which I can do now!), and to buy a house. I'm not saving to just go blow it all on clothes, or a vacation, or a macbook (even though I reeeeally really really want one...!). I'm just trying to be practical and responsible and I think it's crazy at how easy it's been for me. Like this has to be of the Lord. It is so much more freeing to know that I am building habits and even money now in order to be financially secure for the future.
And it's crazy that I still feel this way even though I'm out of a job right now. God has blessed me. At the rate the economy was going, I saw that this was a possibility a long time ago. I mean, frankly every one should right now. And even now I do feel way more at peace than I would have I not had the (unnatural) desire to save the bulk of what I earned. And God even used my car accident to bless me. I prayed and prayed, probably not even as much as I should have, but he still blessed me! And I wasn't exactly as expectant as I normally would have been because....after all, it was an insurance company I had to deal with. But now I am in a better position probably than I was before. I have an amazing car, yet reasonable. I really wanted the Volvo S40...but I would have had to over extend myself a little too far, and I didn't want that. But now I have my wagon, which holds kayaks, is super plush on the inside, more roomy, newer, and with all the insurance money I could now have it paid off if I needed or wanted to today and I might still have been making payments on my old volvo.
As of now, the money making has slowed. But the insurance money has more than covered what I would have earned over the entire summer had I kept my old job. And getting laid off from my job has even opened up more time to look into new, better paying ones. As I even write this I am amazed at how all of this has worked out throughout this whole year. I was so discouraged when I got in my accident, and so discouraged when I got laid off, but you know what...God provides! And I know he will continue to, even more so, as long as I continue to seek him and thank him and praise him.
More and more I've been seeing God as my Father. And in this sense I see his blessings being poured out on me...but when I'm responsible. It's like my own dad. He wants to be able to provide for me, but if I was just blowing all of his cash on little materialistic things, he'd probably stop helping out so much. I think God wants to bless us and fulfill our needs...but also our wants and desires, reasonably. Do I think that if I had gone out and got the $18,000 Volvo S40 that I really wanted that I would be able to pay it off right now and be at peace financially. No, not really. I didn't need that. And frankly, I don't need the car I have now. So I could have done even better probably. But I do feel blessed all the same. And I just pray I can keep it up and the return when I'm able to pay off my school loans and buy my own house someday will be great :)
I love that God's wallet is big, even now when people are struggling. I'm almost glad that now the economy is bad. Because it's teaching us all, I hope, to be more responsible and disciplined. At least that's what I'm learning. And I still pray that it will pay off by the time I'm 40 if I can keep it up. :)

Stepping Out...Alone

I am trying to trust here, so much. And have one of those stepping out of my comfort zone, experiences. What makes it hard here is that I'm forcing Matt to do the same. I know in my heart and my mind this is what God has for us right now, that we would go out alone and be open to what God has for us either way. So here I am seeking and asking between crying and that heart wrenching feeling I feel every morning, all day long, after I wake up. I hate this. It's not supposed to be like this I don't think. It was never supposed to be this difficult. We were all supposed to be so in tune with God, in such a close relationship with him that he would have told us what to do in the beginning. But we're fallen, so we go through these rough times. But we can use them to grow. And I am going to try so hard to grow. And not just say that, but actually do it. I am not going to lean on my own understanding, but be open to God's. I am going to pray that he leads my heart in the direction of his heart, his will for me. And then act on whatever that may be. But obviously this is a process and won't happen over night. I pray that this experience is one I look back on and am thankful for it, see the fruit of it, whatever might happen, later. 

I hate causing hurt, I hate not being there to comfort him. I hate hurting and I hate not having his comfort now. And I pray this really is where God was leading me. To be broken, but to be restored. 

Growth...it's a process.

I'm feeling it again. It's bubbling up and I'm bracing myself for the inevitable explosion. When I burst with awe and praise and joy. I'm feeling the growth starting to stir my atrophied bones. I'm praying for a good year. And I think the theme is growth. Eyes unveiled to more lies and a freedom and renewed trust in the Lord. I'm excited. I'm anticipating a lot here. But it's going to be difficult.
It's funny. I was writing on Tuesday and wrote down that I want to grow. I just want more. It's time for a spurt here. It's been too long. I will be forever stunted in physical growth (at 5'1) but I can grow so much in spirit and it's time. Way time.
But I've been learning, during this season where I've kind of been gliding by, watching life move quickly around me. And I'm learning that I love the church. I really do. I love that you see pieces of Jesus in the random people you know at church. You see pieces of the world too...but why focus on the negative? We live in the world. Of course there will be pieces. That doesn't mean we shouldn't go to church and just live in the world though. I'm realizing I need to get all that I can of Jesus. And part of that is people. I love that when I go to church, I see people and just seeing there face...whether it's smiling or crying out to the Lord in anguish for their sons and daughters--for America, it blesses me to see this. I love the church. I love the support I feel. Even when I know what's going on behind the scenes. Even when I know the politics. But guess what, that's family for you. You can't walk away from family. And we shouldn't walk away from the church. But because it's not our blood tying us to our church family (only Jesus's) it's so much easier to get fed up with it and leave. It's not right. It breaks my heart.
I'm learning I love to be busy too. Well, I knew that already. But I'm really solidifying this belief of myself. I love to always be doing something. But not just anything. I love to be learning and spiritually growing and I'm so not a good person when I'm not. I'm not happy, I'm always wishing I were growing spiritually...so why, I ask myself, don't I help myself out and just put myself in learning and growing environments. I love them.
I'm also learning I don't want an ordinary, everday Christian life. I want one that's busy. But busy for Good. Busy learning, growing, and serving the people who don't yet fully know how Good God is and what a blessing He is and how much more enjoyable life is with Him. I cannot seem to stress enough that I know now that I do not want an ordinary life. I do not want a wishy-washy life. I want an exciting life with lots of kids touched, with lots of knowledge stored and live out.
I'm also learning that not everyone loves what I do. That people grow, or don't grow, in different ways. And I'm learning which ways are the most important to me. It's a heart breaking but immensely exciting time.
I'm discovering the resounding truth of John 4...Jesus is tired after baptising a bunch of people and walking and all that jazz. Anyone would be tired. So he lets his disciples go off to get food while he rests...even though he's hungry too. As most people know...he ends up getting an opportunity to talk to this Samaritan woman about God and it's a moving experience. Afterward his disciples come back and offer him food. But he's so jazzed about just getting to talk with the lost woman that he's not even hungry anymore. The Holy Spirit is more fulfilling than earthly food.
I love that if I go to church exhausted, I almost always come back with a smile on my face and a pep to my step. Even if my feet were dragging as I was going. I love that God truly is fulfilling.
And I sooo desire to be passionate. No more apathy or passivity. I just want growth, and whatever it takes to get there.

Nonsensical

Sometimes a lot of the time--I am aware that didn't make sense--I want to be free and run and scream, fly by the seat of my pants and just GO and do whatever crazy things He wants. Whatever creative thing I feel like. Whatever crazy thing. Sometimes I just want to be crazy and be okay with that. You know? Sometimes I just wish someone was in my head and GOT these thoughts and feelings I have. Grab them, hug them, kiss them on the nose and GO with it.
I feel like hula-hooping.
And Running. But not for sport. Just for fun. Like a little kid. Just because I can. Because my legs are small and uncoordinated and the cul-de-sac is big. No time to waste between here and there. Too many exciting things to explore and do. Like jumping on bubble-wrap and being completely delighted by the pop-pop-popping. Yeah.

Sick Day

I've always loved the movie You've Got Mail.
I have searched for that pen-pal like guy that would email me back and forth and keep my anticipation high and my mouth in a constant, surprised cracked smile.
But you know the thing about You've Got Mail? They never say what happens after they meet face to face. After the written correspondence and witty flirtations cease. When Meg Ryan and Tom Hanks sit at the table eating lunch and there is a still silence. And sometimes it's a good, comfortable silence. But other times it's a silence that begs to be broken. But rarely is.
That's the problem with You've Got Mail.

That Time of Year

I'm sick.
Let's see how long it lasts this year.
askjdakdj
please pray I don't get bronchitis again? If you think about it :)

A Sigh of Sunshining Relief

Let me tell you,
This morning was positively resplendent. I cannot perfectly put into words why it was so.
But let me tell you,
it most definitely was.
And I think it had something to do with revelation. Epiphany. Finding myself in the clutter of life and thoughts and actions and to-do lists and dusty hard-wood floors.
Yeah. It hit me so hard this morning. So wonderfully hard right in my heart and I knew it all over again:
He loves me more than anyone else possibly ever could and he does it better than anyone, so sufficiently and wholly and unconditionally and unabashedly than anyone. Ever. Ever. Ever. And I don't have to wonder, and I don't have to question it. I can just relax. I can just remain, rest assured, in his presence there is all encompassing Love. Real live, moving, breathing, profound deep love, love, love. He wants me always. He's there always. And I love it. Oooh do I love it.
And it took all of this, everything, for me to really understand that there is no better love than this. That we need us some Jesus.
Yeah.
We do.


I asked You for Life

By: Kim Walker and Justin Byrne
I asked you for life, and you sent your son to die for me
I asked you for hope, you came in the night and gave me a dream
I asked you for freedom, you broke every chain and gave me the keys
I asked you for love never-ending and every day you surround me

And now my faith in you is a mountain that can t be shaken
Now my strength is found in you, it is joy that can t be taken

Praise spills from my lips, flowing onto the feet of you, my King
You deserve all the love and all the honor that I can bring

Here is my song, here is my heart, here is my love, all for you,
you, Jesus

Holy, Holy, only You are worthy

aksjdlaksjd

I always feel like the biggest joke. Like I say stupid things that mean things to me but just roll off other people like immature water globules. a;ksdjaksljd It's not right to keep everything in and not say anything but I'm too much when I say not even everything.
I don't even know what I'm saying anymore.
And it's only 10:19pm.
Usuall delirium doesn't hit till at least 12:30am. hah

Daddy, Daddy

I just realized something that has been brimming on the edge of my mind for months, maybe years, and effects the way I view things (what a vague word.)...
I never called my dad "Daddy".
Actually...I did. But he told me not to. Or at least that's how I took it.
"Why do you say that? You sound like a little girl."

Conflicted

I feel like I haven't been true to myself lately. I haven't let myself release anything tangible into the world in too long. I feel so bottled up and yet so dry at the same time. I need to paint or write something sweetly profound and sing. I haven't taken a meaningful picture in weeks, months? And yet now I feel like I don't have time. I feel like my creativity is disintegrating. And I'm not even trying to hold onto it. Maybe it was fake to begin with. Maybe it's just a life, theoretically I'd like to live. But when it comes down to it, I can't ever pull it off right. I can't ever be a creative mind, enough.
I'm staring at this cup I painted on my desk and it is empty. Shiny, but empty. Hmm.

Water

Once again God is faithful. He meets me when I try just a little bit. Even when I come with doubt in my heart.
I opened up my Bible last night and wonderful stuff happened. I was so filled with peace...and the feeling that yes, God knows what I'm going through, understands, and is on my side. Good feeling to have, yeah? Same this morning. At 6am when I was almost late to class because I was vigorously taking notes, taking in everything He's had to tell me lately, been trying to tell me, and I've been pushing away, unbelieving that He...the God of the universe, would care and understand petty me.
So good.

Dry

I feel completely creatively dry. I can't even write. I have no energy to write. To think about creative things. I have no motivation to pick up a pen and write when I'm sitting on the patio, watching the humming birds, listening to the wind chimes, and reciting potentially intriguing sentences about said things, in my head. I think about it. But I lie back down and relax into myself and revel in my deep, slightly depressing, and disturbing thoughts and I can't write about it. Because writing about it means sorting it out. And finalizing the truth. And I'm not making sense. But holy crap. This has been an intense week. So many conversations with people and insight into friends' lives that I don't know I really wanted to know...but know I needed to. Because I do live in this world and I need to know how to manage. And how other people don't do that so well. And how I can hopefully learn without experiencing.
I'm stressed out. I'm slacking on my devotions. I know I would be less stressed if I did my devotions. If I spent more time praying. Yet I don't. Because I have no motivation. Well, some. But not a lot. So I pray and that's all and I know that it's not a one way street.
My stomach has been funny lately. Food hasn't been sitting well. There has just been so much going on. And I'm not even at home for another week. And this dog that I'm watching has decided to start hating me. Because I mean that his mom and dad are gone. To him, I abduct his parents. So he gives me lots of presents. Except not the good kind. Just little surprises on the carpet whenever I leave and come home. Or in the morning. And he barks in the middle of the night at me. And licks my face when I'm sleeping. It's lovely.
My life seems bad from this post. But it's really not. It's exciting and different and it's not perfect. But I'm still loving it. A lot. Nothing is ever perfect. I'm not. I never have been. People aren't. Obviously.
Ayeee yi yi. I just wanted to write something, anything. To see what happened.
I'm just in a bad mood because I'm stuck here with no food that's satisfying and keep getting sick. And because I miss being able to creatively flow through life. And I miss Matt. And I miss Jesus. And I miss singing and writing songs and I sooo want my guitar right now. And my camera. And to not be stuck here with this dog that doesn't even like me right now. Maybe I'll go for a walk. Talk to God. But I forgot my walking shoes....

Hmmm.

I don't like talking.
I'm not good at it. Or opening up.
So I make sarcastic comments. And just sit there and laugh.
Or say "I don't know" because knowing means making a decision,
paying an opportunity cost.
And I'd rather someone else make that decision for me.
Because I am lazy,
and don't take on my own responsibilities.
Hmmm.
Thoughts. Ping-ponging around my coffee-ladden brain.
I don't sleep,
and I don't eat.
And neither is by choice these days.

I had a "vision" if you could call it that,
last night inbetween sleep and dreams
of sand filling up my mouth and eyes and I was
suffocating in it. Weird.
And then, tonight during worship,
I had an "unrelated" vision of a bag of sand breaking
and the sand pouring out,
no longer under pressure,
free, spilling out.
I guess it all means something to me.
And it was sand. Yellowish white.
Not dirt.
Because I'm not that dirty, right? Yeeeah, sure.
But sand is still coarse and frustrating and hard to walk in.
And I am coarse and frustrating and my walk has been hard.
God gets me, man. Even when I don't get me.
Haaaah. Life.

Lately

I can't even write here
because I don't know what to say.
I can't say.

Maybe someday. Soon? Maybe. Later? Maybe.
This is strange. So strange.

He makes me melt like a popsicle on the Fourth of July...
Darla, Little Rascals.

For the Lord is a Good God. A Weird One. But Good.

Every time the Lord gets me. I'm about to walk into something I shouldn't and he puts his hand on top of my head and gently redirects me. He's neat like that.

And I am thankful.

That He has done it again, said, Hey you, don't you know I have greater things for you than you could imagine right now? Why do you settle for just what is in front of you? Think BIG, think ME.

And what a simple thing. As simple as a simple conversation on the 4th of July. This whole roundabout can be.

Hmmmm He has plans. Plans I don't have to force into place. Sometimes they just fall. And while I don't think they're falling (or I'm falling) directly right now, who's to say, really? As is a running theme, always, Time will Tell.

In other words: We spent Independence Day with a couple of Brits. Isn't that ironic? But their accents were to die for. Hahhh

The Fergusons

My dad is doing a side job at the Ferguson's house. I've known them since I was probably just a few weeks old because they are friends of my grandparents' and attend El Cajon Wesleyan. Cathy has always been so sweet, as has John. But I have never really sat down and talked to either of them before.
My mom stopped by and I decided to tag along. And I'm really glad I did.
Cathy invited us in for iced tea. Best iced tea. I'm generally not a huge fan, really. And when she poured a tall class for me I was regretting saying I wanted some. But by the end of that glass I wanted more.
The four of us sat down at the round wooden kitchen table. We talked about my schooling, future plans, church, future quest, the youth at ECWC, my brother, the Bridge pool party, and Dorothy Robertson. I don't know how long we sat there and chatted but it seemed to fly by and I was kind of sad when we made our way out.
In the truck on the way home my mom said, She's such a sweet lady. Then, I want to be like her when I grow up.
And it's true. She's one of the sweetest ladies. I sat there listening and watching her. Because that's what I do. And what a humble, meek spirit. She makes you feel important, worthy of her time...even though the thought of time imposition never crosses your mind while in her presence. She has such a quiet, confident spirit that is so refreshing. She sat there just asking my mom and I questions. Simple, easy questions but the way she asked and the way she sat and looked at us and talked with us showed she really cared. I can't even explain it. But what a wonderful lady!
And this experience gives me hope. In the beginning of the day I was feeling slightly condemned. Just...a little more hopeless. A little more un-enough hah. But there I felt just fine. And I felt more like being a better person just by being there.
Does that make any sense? I don't know. But it was a great end of a turbulent day.

Part I

I wrote I'd say more.

Yesterday turned out quite differently than I'd planned.

Jesse and I went on a walk in the morning. He forgot his running shoes. But he brought me a nonfat 1 pump vanilla latte. The leprechaun house up the street got painted. Now it is a normal brown with maroon-ish trim and just the right amount of slate on the front. They even put up a nice little white fence. Cute.

We went home and had a conversation on the patio about public university versus Christian. He seemed to think we should all try to go to Christian college and trust the Lord for the means. I don't think I agree. Christians can be a light in a university left in the dark as well.

We talked about convictions and callings. And how I think I don't know what I think about some things. How I don't know where to draw the line when it comes to some things. If some "non-Christian" movies don't affect my beliefs, behavior, or the way people think of me (if I'm with people who are also on the same page as me) then is it that bad to watch? I understand that movies affect people more than me. That they may really be affected. But I'm not. And I know who, in my life, is, and that's how I draw the line. But biblically, when he backed it up, my retaliation was weak. But, biblically, then should every word that comes out of my mouth be praises to the Lord? I am not perfect and I walked away from these conversations packed into one sitting feeling acutely aware of this, my failings.

I'd planned to take the Kemps' daughter, Alyssa, out to Color Me Mine, but I was tired and drained and wondering. And hadn't gotten ahold of Alyssa the day before anyway. So I stayed home and then took Barbi's sergers to the sewing shop to see how much it would cost to fix them and if it was even worth it. The news didn't sound so good, but I'll find out in a few weeks.

And this is the end of Part I of my strange day.

Tea

I sat down for tea today.
It was iced.
But lovely conversation followed.
I want to be like that when I grow up.
My mom said the same thing.

More later.

Little Girls

I wonder when (if?) that day will come when I finally feel "all growed up". Hah. When I finally feel like I'm not that 12 year old, awkward little girl wondering what to do with her hands and arms. Put them in pockets? Fold them? Straight by the sides? Who knows? (Wait, does it matter?)

So when will that day come. And what will it mean? What would it mean to be grown up.

When I think about it, to me, being grown up, I suppose, would mean being self sufficient, being well off, being capable. But then I think deeper. And I know that no matter how old I am I will never be these things. And if I try to, it's like forever playing dress up--acting like someone I'm not. Putting on a face. Putting on this fake life and the ones who "have it all figured out" (the secret, that is) just look at me, sadly, and laugh. Laugh as I twirl in my perfect adult dress. Laugh as I live in my perfect, well-to-do house. Laugh as I drive my perfect shiny car.
Because they'd know the secret. They'd know that I was naive in spirit. They'd know that I was playing dress-up. They'd know that no one, even them, are ever fully capable or self-sufficient. That the secret of being grown up, really, is just admitting that I don't know anything, that I have no absolute plans, that my Jesus knows everything. That the Lord has better plans for me than I could ever imagine.

Humble.

Open.

Vulnerable.

Finding wisdom in the Lord.

I will never be grown up in the way that, as I was a child, I thought grown ups should look. No one is grown up.

And as I'm going along in this process, I'm finding I'm redefining a lot of things I've come to know.