Julian

The thing that makes me so sad about this whole fire ordeal is the land being burned. I'm selfish. I like the trees. I was so excited that they were going to begin to change color soon and the hills would be bursting with color. Now, I don't know if there are so many left. I care about people too...don't get me wrong. But things like hiking through random hills...I will miss. Hopefully it's not destroyed too much. But how can I know unless I go out and see for myself.

Last Saturday my family and I went to the Julian area...stopped at Dudley's backery and bought soooo many loaves of bread! But the awesome part was seeing a group of wild turkeys. There must have been about 20 of them! So we drove past, found an area to turn around, and the chase was on. I had my camera with me and I was determined to get me a picture of some wild turkey!

They run faster than you'd think.

I got a little winded running up that hill...but it was so worth it. And so fun! Although I never got my perfect shot of wild turkey running crazy toward me. It was alright.

Firestorm: The Witch Fire

Southern California is now on fire...again. It's dejavu. I love the mountains--my heart is in the mountains; now I look toward mine and wonder if it'll bring disaster in the coming days. Earlier there were about 8 fires burning, none contained. The Santa Ana winds are blowing them, giving life to the flames. Hot and insidiously the fire is burning away life as many people know it. All of us are glued to our televisions. Wondering who's next...? What town is on the fire's hit list? None of the people who's homes are destroyed tonight and right in the fire's line of distruction thought they would be. No one thought their house would be gone tonight.
For some reason I thought if I just took a nap, I would wake up and this would all be over. We would be able to claim that the media overexaggerated circumstances. Yet how can anyone deny that long, ongoing list of addresses, letting families know they had no home to go back to. Just a charred piece of black land.
As I slept I heard the wind, roaring. The wind that I love in all it's freedom--yet hate today, the catalyst. My mom came into my room about a half hour ago and gave me a heads up. Andrea called, her husband is working the fire and called home to tell her the firestation is talking about Rattlesnake mountain as a possible candidate for evacuation in the coming day. I haven't been as nervous during this fire as I was during the Cedar fire. We talked a bit about evacuation last time. But last time I didn't follow the blaze on the news and see all these people who had been in my shoes....kind of worried, but never thought the fire would reach their house. The wind is constantly changing and last night the winds picked up over night. I don't even know what I would bring...I have so many little things. Important things...my life stories.....pages after pages of rough drafts of poems and stories and...that's not even necessary, afterall. It would kill me to lose it all.
My heart is burning. And it looks like it's going to be a long road ahead...

I Wonder How Long I'll Love You...

I was sitting in bed a few nights ago feeling full of life. Just that overwhelming feeling of Love for the Lord. Appreciation, longing, desire, and love for Jesus. These days come over me and sometimes spread into weeks where I am just lost in his beauty, in awe of his greatness and grace. Yet I sat in bed wondering when it would stop. When the great high feeling of being so in love would dissipate. Evaporate. Cease in it's fullness and satiety. The next night I was hit with a migraine and emotionally attacked. Today my migraine lingers and I've lost the overwhelming love all-together. Today I'm stuck on myself and my own problems.
Why did the feeling go away? Was it when I realized it would? Did I subconsciously push the Holy Spirit out...in doubt; thus becoming vulnerable to attack. Oh, me...me of little faith. Holding on by my fingers, but in doing so, getting dragged along by a vehicle destined for great things. If I could only stop this teetering inbetween. If I could just fully grasp on, jump on the bandwagon and leave everything else behind. Then wouldn't I be fully on the highway to heaven, instead of half myself on the highway to hell. Figurately. The Lord's grace is amazing. And it will save me yet.

I had this vision during leadership retreat. It was Jesus in white robes and taking up my entire vision...and little me standing there. He was saying something like "cling to me" and I did. I couldn't see him in his entirety because he was so large and I was so small. I could only cling to a small portion of him...my physical surface area only matched about a 100th of His. And I got this sense that I didn't have to grasp or understand him fully, but he could understand me as he fully enveloped me in shining white. I often think about this. He's the only one who knows me fully. Maybe sometimes that's scary.

Prayer Meetings

So my school has only 34 or so kids in the senior class and senior class meets before junior class, from 9:30-12:20 in the morning/afternoon. We all have random classes at random other times of the day, except for Friday. So we chose Friday as a day when a group of about 6 of us would regularly meet at 9:00 to support, strengthen and build eachother, as well as our entire school, and Grossmont College, through prayer. We don't have a Christian club at our school, but we only have thirty students. I mean, yeah, we could pull it off...maybe we could get there at 8:30am instead and spend 15 minutes on a message and 15 minutes maybe even worshipping...someone (even me) could easily bring a guitar. Who knows, maybe it could happen. But the point of this post was to document a possibly great thing as a result of us meeting this morning. A kid in our class, who we'll call Stan...haha, is kind of...different. He has very strong opinions about things and, to my knowledge, is either atheist or agnostic. I think he told us once, but I forgot. At any rate, he walked up to us before we started praying this morning and we were all just chatting. But then I was like "...Hey, let's start praying! Does anyone have anything they need prayer for?" Stan starts to get up and says "I see, kick out the nonreligious kid" but I was like..."wait no way, you can totally stay! It's open to any and everyone!" He was hesitant and said "I'm not into the whole praying thing...I don't like it, never really tried it either" or something like that. Tyler, one of the regulars, was like, "Well, you might not want to come to class then...because I'm not gonna lie, I pray all the time in there" Stick it to the man Tyler! Stan sat down and was like..."Good point, I guess I'll stay." So he did. And he even gave a prayer request, for his cousin, Tenessa (I think) who's Grandma (a mother-figure) just passed away. It was awesome to at least indirectly lift him up and thank Jesus Stan came. I really think this kid is just searching for some kind of self validation, someone to look at him and think he's worth it, has a purpose. Basic self-discovery stuff that will really help him if he starts turning to God. So lift him up if you think about it...but his name's not Stan. But God knows that haha!

God is Faithful

I just got home from the high school small group I'm leading and it was amazing!
I have never given a message before to people my own age. I used to really be afraid to speak up, to talk to peers at all. Last year I grew a ton and completely came out of my shell. Tonight I was sooo nervous. I prepared this message that I just wasn't sure about (the notes are in the post below..."What Does God Think About Your Feet?"). I didn't know if it was too remedial or if the metaphor would go right over the girl's heads. I had no clue! But the verse I based it off of had really jumped out at me...as Allie reminded me tonight "The Word of God is alive...and sometimes it's freaking scary" (hah!). In other words, I knew it was a topic I needed to speak about, an idea I needed to convey...clearly! But that was the problem, I didn't know if I would be able to. But I think I did...and I wasn't even nervous.
My whole stress about leading this group is based upon whether or not I would be able to effectively give messages. I'm not perfect...I'll grow and need to, but God is faithful! He told me to do this group and I did not really want to. I did not initially have a passion for the girls, but doors opened and prophesies were given. I obeyed...and yeah, I had little faith...but I did have some. I went in trusting, knowing I had to be there for a reason.
After tonight I can really see this thing working out and I can really see myself learning more and more to let God speak to and through me, using this small group as an avenue. I'm thankful and really glad I'm doing this. God is good :)

What Does God Think About Your Feet?

My first high school group message notes...

What Does God Think About Your Feet?
October 11, 2007


Q: What do you think about your feet…do you like your feet? Do they gross you out? What do your feet look like…do you have a pedicure, or are your feet dirty?
Q: Do you like to have dirty feet? Or is it uncomfortable?
Romans 10:15: Background: Paul is talking, basically, about people going out and preaching to unbelievers so they can go out, as well, and spread the news.
15And how can they preach unless they are sent? As it is written, "How beautiful are the feet of those who bring good news!"[a]
I was reading through my devotions and found this verse and was immediately taken aback: Feet are not beautiful. For starters, they are dirty, gross, and just funny looking. I loved the thought of this oxymoron though...so, I looked up another verse…
Isaiah 52:7:
7 How beautiful on the mountains
are the feet of those who bring good news,
who proclaim peace,
who bring good tidings,
who proclaim salvation,
who say to Zion,
"Your God reigns!"
-How do you get up a mountain? You walk, hike, run. In those days it was a long journey. Has anyone been hiking up a mountain? You get dirty, sweat soaked socks…and
Men and women’s feet from biblical times were even worse…sandals, dirt roads; probably blisters and cuts. To spread the word of God people had to walk miles and miles on dusty roads, not always having the luxury of washing their feet.
--yet this was beautiful to God.
--to our standards, dirty, worn out and hard worked feet are not beautiful. But that’s a wordly mindset.
Today we don’t really like to get dirty, we go to the spa, get a manicure and pedicure, etc.
We like to be comfortable and clean…but God calls us to be uncomfortable, to get a little dirty.
Being a Christian means we are called to “bring [The] good news” to people…that means we’ve entered a fight, a battle.
(Eph 6:12 NLT) “12 For we[a] are not fighting against flesh-and-blood enemies, but against evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against mighty powers in this dark world, and against evil spirits in the heavenly places.”
--Battle of good versus evil, God’s kingdom versus Satan’s…
For this reason, following God’s will isn’t always pretty…it’s hard. Going and helping out the homeless isn’t always clean, tidy, and sheltered like church can be. Going on a missions trip to a place like Africa or Ecuador isn’t exactly clean. But it’s these things that are beautiful to God.
Now these messengers who decided to go out and preach the news on long journeys by foot in sandals didn’t have baby feet like ours. Their feet were worn in, callused, tough and rough to the touch from years and years of walking in sandaled feet. Their feet were trained for the hard work they were going to do. So I’m not saying that all of you have to go out and do something dirty like go chill with the homeless or take the next flight to the African planes. No, you’re in the process of toughening up your feet. If you go out there before you’re prepared, you’ll hurt yourself.
But, with every step you take you make a difference.
Proverbs 6:18 says:
16 There are six things the LORD hates,
seven that are detestable to him:
17 haughty eyes,
a lying tongue,
hands that shed innocent blood,
18 a heart that devises wicked schemes,
feet that are quick to rush into evil,
Wait, but I thought God loves feet? Thinks they are beautiful…? Well, God can hate your feet if they are running into the devil’s arms instead of His.
So, it’s where you go, what you do
When you use your feet are you going somewhere that blesses God or are you running to gossip with your friends, drink, smoke, do something illegal, or do something you know is wrong?
And if you’re tempted to do something wrong, to take that step away from God, look at your feet. How often, when someone is asking us to do something we know is wrong, do we look down—at our feet…it’s like a reflex. So let your feet be a reminder
Does God think your feet are beautiful or ugly?
Hopefully you’ll lead a life that is glorifying to God in all you do and your feet will be beautiful wherever you go.

Love

We have to write a sonnet for english...unrequited and undying love. I write constantly. But not about love anymore. I'd turned that tap off long ago and the juices just don't flow that way anymore.
As I'm having to tap back into it, I'm digging up all these past feelings and it hurts a bit. It makes me think that perhaps I'm so anti-relationships because turning it off means not getting hurt. Turning it off means no pain, no disappointments. No unrequited love. On one hand my mind knows that love at this age, whereas graspable I'm sure, is just not realistic and intelligent to seek after at all. It doesn't make sense for the now. But another facet may well be that I am truly holding back because I fear it as well. I want to be strong and leaning on someone else is not? I'm confused; and yes, love scares me.

Not-so Silent Whispers

I talk to myself constantly. I've been noticing it. I won't be able to tell you when I'm doing it, I just do it, and I never realize it. And you know what? It's always about important subjects that need to not be said. One of these days I'm going to be all figured out because someone will be standing behind me and I'll be whispering things to myself not-so-silently and completely unaware. Maybe it's my subconscience begging for someone to dig a little deeper. Maybe it's lunacy. At any rate, I'm a better writer when I'm insaneee.
So, as not to tarry on the subject too much longer, The Point: I just caught myself doing it. Whispering aloud, with my door open (literally and perhaps metaphorically), and with people in the house.
So I'm writing about it...wondering if I'm losing my mind--again.
I loathe regression. Sometimes I can understand the necessity, for growth purposes. But other times...it's just the devil's work.

I have to go clean something.

Fad Baker

I'm a bad friend. I don't call, I don't write, I don't feel normal feelings of detachment. Often. Then, there are those who are nearly overbearing with their caring. People who drive people like me away. So where is this happy medium of you're my friend, but understand that I can't be everyone's just one and everything all the time?
I don't really know where that came from. I'm just dreadful. I don't send birthday cards or buy Christmas gifts and I don't go to parties because they're uncomfortable.
I had a thought earlier, one of those deep ones that come every so often and now that I think about it, perhaps it's just all too simple...but...


People seem so often to be the only ones holding themselves back from being who they want to be. It's funny. We all go through deep stages in life where we feel so utterly fake and plastic, with happy smiles and fantastic facades...putting on the front for all these people--just make them happy, even if we're not. Even if we don't know who we are. Even if we're breaking. Yet the person we're pretending to be is the one person we truly want to be...really. And everyone knows this person, everyone sees this person and loves this person and wants this person to just see, gosh darn it just see how great you really are. And when we see it, when we break it all apart and build it back together, then perhaps we realize that we were what we wanted all along...we just didn't know it. Didn't know we had it in us. Really. And everyone watching is just dying for us to rebuild and realize. But we fight it. We search for other things, other people to be. Can't become our parents, can't become our church. Who should we be? For that matter, who are we for goodness sake? What if we could just be. Not that easy. It's unfortunate. I love how there are a select few who know me better than I know myself. And yet as I have become this person I'm growing comfortable with, I've grown apart from these select few and closer to the select One that really matters. And in Him I'm growing exponentially. I just had to break down and rebuild, find strength and my inner saving grace.
I feel like my thoughts just took shape of a wallyball and bounced all over four white walls, changing subjects as it went.
Sorry for the damage.

Small Group Update

Melinda Newkirk prayed about it and informed us she couldn't be the adult leader. Things were not looking good and I was giving up and giving it to God. Basically just thinking there would be no small group. Teale reminded me Friday night that things were going to happen last minute and this was still last minute.
I've been mulling it over and not knowing what to do but just letting whatever happens happen.
Allie called me tonight and said her mom, Charlotte, has been praying about it and wants to do lead and we can even have it at her house. The launch is tomorrow and I haven't made flyers or gotten a table set up or anything. So I don't think I'm going to...it's too last minute, actually. But then, if I would have been smart, I would have listened the first time and known that this was going to happen. Oh me of little faith. Yep.

Amazing Answer to Prayer through Prophesy!!

I've been giving this small group leadership position up to God, going back and forth between wanting to do it, being intimidated, and getting really stoked at the idea! But I still haven't been sure, 100% if I'm supposed to do this. I still don't know for sure if it's going to work out, but I think I need to try to make it work now.
We had senior lounge tonight, where seniors break off into a separate room and eat (Chinese tonight) food and a separate speaker comes to give a special message. I've never met, nor seen this guy before, but he's amazing--Kevin something or other. Anyway, he gave a message about David and Bathsheba and how David should have been at war and fighting a battle instead of at home twidling his thumbs, letting the other guys take care of it, and getting led into temptation. I applied this to my experiences lately. I feel like I could easily sit back at home Thursday nights and not lead a small group, I would have y Sunday night mandatory monthly leadership meeting freed up, not to mention the hours spent on follow up phone calls, preparation for messages, and separate meetings with the adult leader every week. I could let someone else fight this small group leadership battle. Easily. But that would leave me vulnerable to temptation, a lack of accountability, which I so desire and need as well.
Kevin's message was short and sweet, but then he just kind of stopped. Started looking around the small room with about 40ish seniors packing rows of chairs. He stopped at a guy with a red shirt on and started prophesying over him, telling him he'd dream dreams and get visions in his sleep. He started talking again, but stopped again and finally came to me. I was the second or third one, out of only four, to be prophesied over. He said he felt like I was going through something in College. Don't know where I'm going, am kind of confused. But God will use mentors and elders in the church to help guide my plans. That things will be very last minute, but seem to just fall together in the end. God works in just the right amount of time, basically, not too soon and not too late. Also, that I would be a light in this place, that God would fill my mouth with words, and when I open it, I will be surprised at what comes out because they won't be mine, basically, but God's.
I think this was my confirmation for leading this small group. I think the educational setting he meant for me was actually this small group. I think this for several reasons: 1) I have been looking for an older, wise woman to lead me. When I first met Melinda Newkirk (the potential adult leader of the group), I was drawn to her and had thoughts about a mentorship in the future. I would meet with her twice a week and she is going to have to help me greatly and guide me when it comes to this small group, since I haven't done it before. 2) This is all very last minute. I am the only group who still has virtually no one set up, yet slowly, things are working out. I found an apprentice tonight, hopefully and God has seriously layed her on my heart for a while now. Each time I think about small group, she pops in my head. Over the summer I got to know her better and have grown to really love and respect her, which is perfect! Looks like God's been preparing my heart. 3) My one fear about small group is that when I open my mouth my words will not be God's, but my own...and I know my words alone are not sufficient--at all. So knowing that God will be my mouth is extremely encouraging!
Basically tonight was awesome. I'm calling John Hoffman (P.J. hah!) tomorrow to tell him I'm on board if we can get a good day, place, and Melinda is for sure willing to help a lot!
This is working out, it looks like, though there are definitely some things that need to be ironed out still.
God is amazing. And I seriously love prophesy! I want the gift of prophesy! Maybe someday :)

Small Group

Pray for me!
I'm kind of stressed right now...which is mildly ridiculous.
The story:
Allie, Layne and I have been searching for a high school small group adult leader for months to no avail. Allie decided she feels God calling her to focus more on her Kid's Club ministry (plus school, and a job) and I don't know what Layne's story is but the point is, they aren't doing it anymore. I've never led a group before yet still feel like it may be something God wants me to do. John said Melinda Newkirk said she'd be an adult leader if need be and I need her! I don't know her well, but she's in her midforties or so and, so I've heard, is quite wise and will be able to help me out a lot...I'm intimidated, yes and do not want to go through with this if God is not going to be backing me up...if this is not a battle I'm supposed to fight I don't want to be left vulnerable and I don't want the girls in the group to suffer for it either! So please, if you think about it, pray that I would get a sense of clarity, understanding, and direction on where to go with this new leadership information. Am I really ready to take this on? Or is the devil just trying to get me not to? I don't know. I need the power of God here people--pray! hahhhh no but seriously...thanks ;)

Amanda and Emily

Today was an odd day. It was one of those where I just didn't much care for anyone or want to see anyone all that much or talk or be a friend. Isolation was what I felt I needed. My room's a mess, my car's a mess, and I just felt discombobulated. Not a good feeling :) But I was looking forward to the gym, a nice hour swim, maybe more. But then my mom asked me to keep an eye on Connor while they went to his parent night for the new incoming 6th graders from 5:30-6:40 or something like that. I was planning on leaving for the gym at 6:00 to do some lap swimming and was bummed I couldn't leave till 6:30. Turns out it was perfect timing though. While at the gym I ran into some 7th grade girls who recognized me as "Darbie's cousin's best friend" (a.k.a Jessica's besft friend). They were in the lane next to me and we chatted about the PE department (since I may be interning there soon) and they said I should definitely come spend some time on the field. I kept swimming, as did they, and then got out and went to change. While in the locker room, the girls meandered in to change themselves and stopped by to chat again. They asked where I went to school, if I'd graduated. I explained the Middle College experience and my current desire to be a PE teacher. They thought that was awesome. The most talkative, Emily, told me she swam for Heartland, as did I, so we talked about that some, and I told them both to never stop swimming because it's great for you and helps keep you healthy. It was just fun to talk to these girls and listen to what they had to say as well and if I could do that for a living, encourage kids to stay healthy, active, and in school, how satisfying would that be?
My mom thinks I'll get bored being a PE teacher, and who knows, I might. My dad, on the other hand, actually thinks it'd be an awesome job. Eh, I have years to decide still.
But tomorrow, our Jr. High girls small group is going to play WallyBall! How excitiiiing :)

Wedding

I have never been the kind of gal who's dreampt of her wedding day. I know I'd rather it be small and outside...but I haven't pictured it, seen myself in white...blah blah blah. But I come home today and my mom has a bridal magazine out on the kitchen table. So I sit down and skim it through while eating a bowl of cereal and find THE dress. I mean, it's me. I've never liked the idea of a wedding dress or spending tons of money on a dress that isn't even "me". But this dress is me! And I slightly wish I were ready to get married...yeah right!
So, I decided to post a picture of it. I also think it will be interesting to look back, when I do get married, and see if I even like this dress anymore, when the time comes.

p.s. click on the picture to make it bigger... :)

Mistakes

I don't want to be a woman who knows a lot about what's right and better in life as a result of experiences doing wrong and bad things that have taught me a lesson. I want to look back on my life and give encouraging and positive advice on the basis of knowing what is right because it has worked for me...not knowing something is wrong because it has worked against me. Does that make any sense?
In short, I don't want to learn the hard way, perhaps.
Today I went to Starbucks with an old friend, Tommy. Man, we have a ton of memories, hardships, and humorous and complex circumstances that we've been through together in the 13(!) years we've known eachother. Wow...that's quite a while, hadn't realized that. At any rate, it was great to sit around and laugh our heads off and say some things without even having to say anything at all because we just knew what we'd been through and how hilarious it was. I love that. And it encourages me. That there are people out there and future people who I will be able to sit around and just be myself with and talk about life with...being sarcastic, funny, deep, spiritual, and serious all at the same time. I was beginning to think that that kind of relationship/friendship didn't exist for me anymore and wouldn't ever again. But it does and will and it's great.

On another note, summer is four days officially over. College classes start on Monday, so it's just half days this week, but still--summer is kaput. Well, this is the last year before life happens...hah!

Attack

I've had numerous people prophesy over me that I have a heart of God...a heart intertwined with the Father's. And also that I have to believe this, because sometimes I don't. Often times I don't, actually. I think that my heart is so far from God's and it's just my feelings doing the talking or writing. So I don't talk much and I'm embarrassed and scared to sing my songs, write my books, and share my thoughts with people. But if I have the heart of God beating in my chest and producing truths...the enemy is not going to dig that! In fact, he'll try to do anything to not let God's heart be released in this world.
I'm, we're, under attack everyday. And sometimes I get weak and fall, stumble, can't seem to muster strength enough to flee. But we're under attack because we're a part of something so powerful and amazing. And that ought to be worth fighting for.

I took a walk this morning, a prayerwalk. It was so excited. I feel good and energized, but refreshed in spirit as well. I was sitting in my room this morning wondering if I should go on a prayerwalk or not, my parents were still asleep and I couldn't do much till then but I was being lazy...then it hit me. If I don't do anything, make time for God, how am I expected to receive him and what he has to reveal to me and do in my life? So I went and it was good.

EDIT
I took my car into the shop yesterday because it was making funny sounds, like an airplane going over head, when I braked. Well, they just called and said it's going to be $800. Now I know my parents don't just have $800 lying around so I really need some prayers here. Atleast that I can find a job soon and repay my parents in time. Plus making my car payment as it is. I probably wouldn't have taken this so well had I not gone on my prayerwalk this morning. Hah, funny :) Anyway, prayers much needed and appreciated.
Have a great Saturday

Flashback

"The picture on the veil I see is flat
It hides my eyes behind it's lies
That this all I'm supposed to be
Uncover me--
Give me eyes to see Your reality
All I'm really missing out on
Sweet beauty--
Truth unfold Yourself
As You unravel this blinding veil
Give me clarity
Restore my sight
And breathe Your breath of life
In me
Sweet release
Bring Your freedom"
8.2.07

Have you ever had flashbacks of your life. You're just standing somewhere and a vision of the past pops up in your head? It's happened a lot this past week or two. Not good flashbacks though. Feelings of being alone and tired and on the edge of two worlds. But mainly I find that all these flashbacks are silent. Other people talk, but I'm always silent. Maybe it means something. Maybe not.
Today was a good day :) Jr. High group went well...except I felt awful all day and was seriously wondering if I was going to make it at all. Seeing the girls was an encouragement though. It hit me today, as it does at so many random points in my life, that God is so much bigger than me. That he cares is amazing. But I also realized that I am a part of something, something extraordinary. Something that, in and of itself, sets me apart, causes people to do a double-take. I can't steal the glory from my God. He deserves it, when I am so small.
I was in Michael's today, buying a drawing pad and pencils (I've started sketching again and rekindled a lost love!), but I was at the check out line and couldn't help staring at this woman with three young children. She was average height and so thin. Too thin. I didn't take note of her because she was glowing, because she was a good mom, because she had a good character and had the heart of God on her sleeve. No. I noticed her for worldly reasons. I don't want to be that person. I want to exude God's grace, goodness, beauty...the list goes on! God sent his Son...a perfect imitation of himself and he sent him having, "...no beauty or majesty to attract us to him, nothing in his appearance that we should desire him," (Isaiah 53). And people, yes, rejected Him, but also flocked to Him and follow Him still today. Not for how He looked, but how He simply was all that is good. And yeah, I was created in God's image, thus the image of Jesus, if he is the exact representation of God...so yes, I'm not perfect on the outside, I'm not supposed to be. The inside is what counts. And my oh my have I gone off on all the trains of thought racing through my head wildly...all trying to reach the single station that answers the question Who am I and what am I supposed to do with my past and future? Interesting. I just want to be seen by the world as this woman describes her friend: "At the time I first saw Jennifer, I simply would have told you something was wonderfully different about her...she had a knowing in her eyes that seemed unusual for one her age...I know now that I was seeing Jennifer not so differently from how Jennifer sees most all of the time--with eyes of the Spirit. I saw the invisible hand of God on her. And I have never failed to see it since." (Beth Moore from her Foreword in Jennifer Rothschild's book Lessons I Learned in the Dark) I want God to be written so deeply on the tablet of my heart that it can't help but rub off on the outside and spill out. I don't want pain, sorrow, sickness, and frailty to be written on my face. I want the supernatural light, strength, and beauty of the Lord.

Casting Crowns new music:

This is exactly how I feel this week, month, year, two years...but especially early this morning as I layed awake at 3:30am and never went back to sleep. And later this morning when I went for a walk and felt like I was floating...caffeine, lack of sleep, low iron (?). Then I get in my car at 6:30am and hear this song for the first time and almost cry.

"East to West"
Here I am Lord and I’m drowning
In Your sea of forgetfulness
The chains of yesterday surround me
I yearn for peace and rest
I don’t want to end up where You found me
And it echoes in my mind
Keeps me awake tonight

I know You’ve cast my sin as far
As the East is from the West
And I stand before You now
As though I’ve never sinned
But today I feel like I’m just one mistake away
From You leaving me this way

Jesus, can You show me just how far the East is from the West?
Cause I can’t bear to see the man I’ve been
Rising up in me again
In the arms of Your mercy I find rest
You know just how far the East is from the West
From one scarred hand to the other

I start the day, the war begins
Endless reminding of my sin
And time and time again
Your truth is drowned out by the storm I’m in
Today I feel like I’m just one mistake away
From You leaving me this way

Jesus, can You show me just how far the East is from the West?
Cause I can’t bear to see the man I’ve been
Come rising up in me again
In the arms of Your mercy I find rest
Cause You know just how far the East is from the West
From one scarred hand to the other

I know You’ve washed me white
Turned my darkness into light
I need Your peace to get me through
To get me through this night
I can’t live by what I feel
About the truth Your word reveals
And I’m not holding onto You
But You’re holding onto me
You’re holding onto me

Jesus, You know just how far the East is from the West
I don't have to see the man I’ve been
Come rising up in me again
In the arms of Your mercy I find rest (mercy I find rest)
You know just how far the East is from the West
From one scarred hand to the other

(Just how far, the East is from the West, Just how far)
From one scarred hand to the other
(You know just how far, the East is from the West, Just how far)
From one scarred hand to the other


God is bigger than my issues.

Note to self:

I really like the name Grayson...

Perfection

So I'm having a funky day. I just don't feel good. I'm questioning a lot of things, doubting a lot of things and people and myself. I don't like this feeling. At all. It's this, cloud.
So I sat down with my guitar and started playing the basics, G D Em C...
and words came. And it was great and brought me to tears a few times. It's a simple song. But it's really just what I needed today:



I'm the painting on the fridge
The drawing
Colors out of lines--an endless story
Of a mess

And You Lord, You're
the Mother, the Father
Who adore it.

Lord You,
Turn imperfection around
Into perfect pictures of perfection

To You,
It's a masterpiece in the making
I'm a masterpiece of God's creating

You say, "Hey can't you just see
I delight in you
I'm so proud of you,
My son, my daughter"

Lord You,
Turn imperfection around
Into perfect pictures of perfection

And You take the songs of my heart
and even when they're out of key
You love me
You love me
And that, that's true beauty.